I don’t want to carry on and don’t know what to do to make this better

[Whaytodo]

I turned 35 last week and ever since I have been in a state of total darkness. I am lost.

I’ve always wanted to settle down: hasn’t happened. I’ve done so much dating, travelling, taken up hobbies, joined groups, progressed at work, taken breaks from dating, learnt to live alone and independently, formed great friendships, spent many free evenings to myself enjoying the time alone. And now I just think what the fuck is my life? I enjoy my job but wow, I don’t want to be living in this house forever commuting the same way day in day out and so it goes on! A hobby on a Wednesday and a catch up with friends on a Monday then travelling every week or so with work or pleasure...sounds great on the tin but I’m so fucking over it.

Then I think about moving back to where my family are...I like this idea but then what? Be there thinking the same thing, just in a different place.

I just want to meet someone. Having a family alone isn’t what I want and isn’t for me. But I haven’t met anyone so far in life, nobody significant anyway. Life feels shit.

I don’t want a future full of holidays and spare cash and hobbies. I want something meaningful with someone and I don’t think I can take one more day waking up to the same walls feeling like my life is just stagnant.

I’m so unhappy. I don’t know what I’m asking really. Just want someone to talk to.

I'm so sorry to hear this u sound so sad and lonely. perhaps moving back near ur family would give u a change of scenery, some new people to meet and different things to do? Maybe try a dating site? I know that's not much help but l
do empathise with how u r feeling and l hope u find a way back to happiness xx

Thanks. I have dated a lot. I never feel that familiar home feeling that people say they have.

I honestly wish I could fall asleep and not wake up. I would totally take that option as I don’t want another however long living how i have lived so far.

You're still young. People are settling down and having families later these days. It does sound tough when it's something you really want but you can never know what's around the corner and life can change very quickly.

2 years ago I was sooo unhappy. Unhappily married, knew I had to do something but was afraid to and afraid of the unknown but my MH was just going down more and more and nothing brought me joy.

2 years later I'm divorced and have a new partner and everyone has told me that I'm like a different person and they've never seen me like this. If you'd told me back then where I'd be in 2020 I'd never have believed it.

Don't give up. I'd try dating again. Or can you ask a friend to set you up? I've known couples who have met in that way and it's worked out.

ohyeah how did you manage it? How did you get from one place to another in two years...I don’t know where to begin. I don’t know if moving house is the right thing. I don’t know what to do next all I know is I hate how things are and don’t know how they will be better.

I’d say start with therapy ASAP, you could be depressed and CBT can help with managing negative thought patterns.

I’m in therapy. It helps keep my afloat but I am deeply sad about life and bored too. I hate it.

Honestly, this might sound patronising or silly and it really isn’t intended that way - but get a dog. I can’t explain how much my life has changed for the better since getting one (well, I jumped in the deep end and got two at once!)

I’m in a similar situation I’m 31, been single for almost 10 years save for a few flings that didn’t work out. I’ve never met anyone who really wanted to be with me for the long haul. I’m largely at peace with it now but do have moments of internalising it and thinking “what’s wrong with me”. But seriously, dogs. I can’t overstate how brilliant they’ve been and I’ve made loads of new friends too because other dog owners talk to you - perhaps that might be a way to meet a partner

Sorry to hear that OP. I used to think the same about myself a few years ago. I wanted to be settled down by a certain age (the age I am now) so I began constantly online dating until I found someone I really liked. We are now married with a 3 month old. I know that approach is not for everyone and it was difficult but the way I see it is that you have to be "aggressive" sometimes if you really want something. I do hope you feel better soon.

Without trying to be insensitive, if you can afford it, do you need to be in the relationship to have a baby/ child. IVF/ fostering/ adoption can all be done as a single woman.

Thanks what dog did you get?

I am willing to try anything to get out of this state. I’m just in a hole.

madamk what do you mean aggressive? As in carry on dating? If so I think I know what you mean. I’m just so out of hope now that I can barely bring myself to get dressed let alone go out to meet someone. I don’t want stupid dates in bars I just want to settle down.

I got a chihuahua first as I live in a flat and wanted a small one then I found out about a pug being rehomed and needing some medical treatment and felt so sorry for him I adopted him too. They’re fairly low maintenance exercise-wise - I live in London so needed dogs that would be happy with a run round the local park rather than miles of trekking through countryside! They’re the most hilarious and loving double act and I really wouldn’t be without them. I also have depression and mental health issues and have found my mood lifted too with them around

OP I’m even older than you, also want a man and a family very much and have had some VERY dark and hopeless moments.
What I’ve found to help, and will sound trite I know, is counting my blessings. Every day, ten things I am grateful for. In as much detail as possible. It has an amazing way of turning things around. It does get rid of the sadness but gives a new perspective. Please try it for a week.

*doesnt get rid of the sadness

A life feeling like you are on a meaningless treadmill isn't satisfying in a deep-in-the-soul way. There are many ways to be miserable and some of them look a bit like what you aspire to.... However, it all depends who you are doing it with, and what you as a person desire...
The one thing you really want, a wonderful Life partner is the one thing you can't really control. You can improve your chances but you can't make it happen as, of course, you know.
So in the meantime, is there anything, at all, thinking a bit left field, that could add deeper meaning to your life that you could initiate?Such as being a mentor to a young person, helping out at the local animal rescue place (two trite examples maybe, something that resonates with you instead... but you get the gist, something which is not about pursuit of personal pleasure like a hobby is, but about something bigger than yourself).
There are lots of ways to make your life feel more meaningful, they might be a plan B but it's better than feeling hopeless?
I hope things get better.

@Staringpoodleplottingrottie

Honestly, this might sound patronising or silly and it really isn’t intended that way - but get a dog. I can’t explain how much my life has changed for the better since getting one (well, I jumped in the deep end and got two at once!)

I’m in a similar situation I’m 31, been single for almost 10 years save for a few flings that didn’t work out. I’ve never met anyone who really wanted to be with me for the long haul. I’m largely at peace with it now but do have moments of internalising it and thinking “what’s wrong with me”. But seriously, dogs. I can’t overstate how brilliant they’ve been and I’ve made loads of new friends too because other dog owners talk to you - perhaps that might be a way to meet a partner

My advice to single men who want to meet wimen in 'real' life is get a dog. Perfect excuse to talk to someone.

I had a nasty breakup and a cancelled wedding at 35. I did move back to the area where my family lived. I bought a horse with the wedding money and had a great time with her. I then got introduced to my husband. 15 years later I still love him - and the horse!

Only get a dog if you really want one and can look after it properly.

@Whaytodo

madamk what do you mean aggressive? As in carry on dating? If so I think I know what you mean. I’m just so out of hope now that I can barely bring myself to get dressed let alone go out to meet someone. I don’t want stupid dates in bars I just want to settle down.

Yes aggressive as in 2-4 dates per week. I know it's exhausting and emotionally draining. I tried to see the dates as having a bit of fun and tried to enjoy the process of getting ready having a drink etc so I wouldn't be so reliant on each date being amazing if that makes sense.

@Honeyroar

Only get a dog if you really want one and can look after it properly.

Well, yes. If you don’t like dogs then ignore my suggestion!

madamk was it clear to you when you met the right one?

honeyroar that is a nice story (obvs not the break up part). I honestly can’t imagine meeting someone at all in any context now. It just doesn’t seem possible. How did you meet him in the end?

I also have this fear that I am not perfect...I’m older now, there’s lots of younger people out there. I get dates easily but I am so aware of ageing now I’m 35. I can see it in my face and also in my attitude that I just want a quiet life with someone who wants that with me too

I do find it interesting that so many people on these forums think that a) single people must need therapy (because that's why they're single in the first place and the fact that they're unhappy about it must mean they need therapy)

and -

b) that therapy would be helpful. Unless it's a psychoanalyst, councillors mainly listen. Helpful maybe, but doesn't involve the deep analysis required to help someone in my opinion.

I know the OP is in therapy, but seriously, what someone really needs sometimes is a life partner, not therapy!

staring I really like the dog idea. I am desperately lonely and without purpose so this would probably help. I wouldn’t know where to begin with what type to get and whether to get an older one that needs less time outdoors etc ! Might look into it thanks for the suggestion

wonder thank you for saying this. I know the other poster meant well but I do sometimes wonder why the therapy card is thrown around on these boards when people are single. Makes me feel like there’s a reason with me as to why I’m single (there may well be but the assumption always feels quite critical)

@Wondersense

I do find it interesting that so many people on these forums think that a) single people must need therapy (because that's why they're single in the first place and the fact that they're unhappy about it must mean they need therapy)

and -

b) that therapy would be helpful. Unless it's a psychoanalyst, councillors mainly listen. Helpful maybe, but doesn't involve the deep analysis required to help someone in my opinion.

I know the OP is in therapy, but seriously, what someone really needs sometimes is a life partner, not therapy!

I see what you mean but I think it’s more nuanced than that. For instance, with me, a lot of short relationships didn’t work out because I’ve got attachment issues which I didn’t realise until adulthood and (psychoanalytic) therapy is proving very helpful for me. Therapy can also help you develop another perspective - meeting a life partner may never happen and ultimately isn’t in your control, but changing your mindset is.

But no, not ALL single people need therapy. Plenty are perfectly happy!