I don’t want to carry on and don’t know what to do to make this better

[Whaytodo]

I turned 35 last week and ever since I have been in a state of total darkness. I am lost.

I’ve always wanted to settle down: hasn’t happened. I’ve done so much dating, travelling, taken up hobbies, joined groups, progressed at work, taken breaks from dating, learnt to live alone and independently, formed great friendships, spent many free evenings to myself enjoying the time alone. And now I just think what the fuck is my life? I enjoy my job but wow, I don’t want to be living in this house forever commuting the same way day in day out and so it goes on! A hobby on a Wednesday and a catch up with friends on a Monday then travelling every week or so with work or pleasure...sounds great on the tin but I’m so fucking over it.

Then I think about moving back to where my family are...I like this idea but then what? Be there thinking the same thing, just in a different place.

I just want to meet someone. Having a family alone isn’t what I want and isn’t for me. But I haven’t met anyone so far in life, nobody significant anyway. Life feels shit.

I don’t want a future full of holidays and spare cash and hobbies. I want something meaningful with someone and I don’t think I can take one more day waking up to the same walls feeling like my life is just stagnant.

I’m so unhappy. I don’t know what I’m asking really. Just want someone to talk to.

OP, I think chickensmightflys comments are really pertinent. Many people with the kind of set up you aspire too actually still feel pretty similar deep down, partners can frequently disappoint, however amazing they may seem at first, jobs and responsibilities remain the same, or even increase, you need that commute and job day in day out to have a nice home, nursery etc— except now with extra pressures, these aspects don’t disappear for most who don’t marry a rich guy but still want a ‘nice life’ . Therefore I think to improve MH you have to build on what you have already , diversify a bit in interests and maybe meet new people generally who you aren’t meeting just to date. Look at volunteering or mentoring or walking groups or anything where you have skills or interest , maybe get a dog, - vary life up a bit more- make the odd date part of the mix- not the whole mix.

Sounds like you're having some kind of early midlife crisis (also maybe your bio-clock is ticking?)
I get the way you feel about the "emptiness" of your current routine.
I felt very much like that a few years before having my kids.
(I already lived with my current partner then, but not TTC or married yet)

Finding a soulmate would probably bring you happiness, but it's not something you can control. Also kids are not guaranteed.
Or you could look specifically for someone who wants a family too, even if they don't feel like "the one" (just good enough father material). Still, kids may or may not happen (fertility is not something you can fully control)

Maybe that "quest" alone could make you happy, regardless of whether it succeeds or not.

And/or maybe you should try and find happiness and meaning within yourself. Your hobbies sound so far they are about consuming (mostly), maybe creating or nurturing would be more fulfilling? (e.g. something artistic, or gardening)
Or connecting with other people, e.g. through volunteering or other community activities?

@Whaytodo

madamk was it clear to you when you met the right one?

honeyroar that is a nice story (obvs not the break up part). I honestly can’t imagine meeting someone at all in any context now. It just doesn’t seem possible. How did you meet him in the end?

I also have this fear that I am not perfect...I’m older now, there’s lots of younger people out there. I get dates easily but I am so aware of ageing now I’m 35. I can see it in my face and also in my attitude that I just want a quiet life with someone who wants that with me too

He was a genuine kind hearted guy who I was attracted to and who I got on with really well. For me once you meet someone with a good heart and you get on, everything else falls into place, especially when you are thinking about the long term aspects of marriage and life stressors such as kids, work etc.

I remember feeling the same at certain stages in my life and I am sure that the current situation with all its restrictions has perhaps brought this to a head with you and maybe sharpened the feelings more than it would have at an ordinary time.
It may not mean much but in my early fifities I can tell you that 35 is YOUNG!!!! it may not feel like it but it is! You have so much ahead of you and so many opportunities but sometimes we feel that life is closing in.
There are many things that you cannot control, eg meeting Mr Right, and if you read Mumsnet so many women are with Mr Crap and are much much better being single. However I know it can be distressing when you feel you are not meeting someone nice.
It sounds like you have recognised that you are yearning for some kind of change. The very fact that you want change means that change will probably come. Take this feeling and use it to identify how to improve the things you can control. Don't just accept that this is as far as you can get because you are 35 - its not. I don't know what your particulars are but you can make one or two changes at a time, even small ones, step by step and see if that makes you feel better. If therapy isn't working try retail therapy as I know that does make you feel better ( sorry to therapists if that sounds trite) I'm sure you will Also if you are surrounded by people giving you the Negs, give them a big bodyswerve and see more of the people who are kind and nice to you. and best of luck.

Thanks. Where would you start making a change though? I just don’t know which way to turn. But I want to turn somewhere as I’m totally lost and unhappy where I am

If it was me, I would travel, it massively expands your horizons, gives you a fresh perspective and gets you out of a rut. I don't know if your work situation allows that, and immediate covid restrictions might mean you spend some time planning it for a while. Maybe it isn't your thing, you've given us so few clues about what floats your boat, but that would be my suggestion. I don't know anyone who has done some travelling who hasn't come back renewed one way or another.

Incidentally, I think the thing you are yearning for is really worthwhile, and I'm equally puzzled why therapy is so quickly suggested when an ache for a life partner is so natural. But, all you can do is channel all that energy into something constructive because, annoyingly, like winning the lottery, you can't do much else. So whether you plough yourself into a dating mission as a pp suggested, or you change your activities so you are meeting new circles of people, or you travel, or help others or whatever it is, any of that kind of thing is better than coming home each night feeling lost. Any positive action will make you feel a little more empowered, a little stronger and ultimately make you a more attractive mate so if you do meet someone you are more likely to catch their eye.

Obviously just being single isn't a reason to go into therapy but when someone starts saying that they want to go to sleep and not wake up again then that person needs some sort of therapy/support surely.

Maybe start by signing up on BorrowMyDoggy - www.borrowmydoggy.com/ - as dogs are a big commitment and can hamper freedom - hobbies/dates/holidays. On this site you can hook-up with dog owners (so potentially meet new people) and look after their dog for a period of time that suits you.

Puppies, especially, can be soul-destroying and disrupt life (& destroy homes) for quite some time. Dogs need care and can't be left for hours while you work so you'd need to pay for that - doggy-daycare or dog walking services.

That said, if you are in the right circumstances they can enhance life. X

And why not look into having some of your eggs harvested and frozen OP - that might take the pressure off and buy you some time. And give you some focus or routine. Or, if having a child is that important to you, (though it sounds like you want the full package) there are ways of making that happen without a partner. Maybe really think about what you want and aim for that. Make it happen. Don't wait for someone else to provide it.

Please find your mojo again though OP. You have one precious life - that's it. Live it. Don't waste it. You are young and have options. Many people - on MN and in life generally - are in terribly difficult situations (not to minimise yours) and are powerless because they depend on someone else. You have agency. Travel. Move. Get a new job. Have a baby. Date. But please enjoy this precious life you've been lent. X

@PornStarOvaltini is right. I was just about to mention borrow my doggy. I joined it 5 years ago when I was left by my long term partner. I couldn't commit to full time dogs due to my job. I have been taking care of Pickle once a week for 5 years now. I also belong to the Cinnamon trust that needs people to either short-term foster or walk dogs for elderly people who are in hospital or have mobility problems at home. I now have Buster I see every week. These dogs have been an incredible boost to my mood over the years of being alone. I have made friends with the owners and its a great way to chat and talk to other dog owners without the responsibility of a full time dog. Try and get up everyday, shower, make up on and attempt to change your mind set. I know it is difficult when you feel in this rut, believe be I do. If it gets too difficult then a trip to the GP may be in order.

Thanks.

I am thankful for the posts.

I can’t seem to get out of this sadness. I fear what I ultimately want will haunt me forever. No matter how much travel, friends, hobbies I have, the loneliness is there every day and gets deeper and deeper.

You asked how to make a change...

Moving is one thing you could do. If you want to be nearer to family and old friends, then why not move back home. Big changes in one respect tend to force bigger changes in other ways too - almost like your mind gets rebooted. It won’t automatically change everything of course, but it will give you a new and different perspective.

I can understand that it must really suck.

heyday fair point.

Therapy was suggested not because the Op is single but because she is miserable and the thing that she really wants may not happen. Therapy could help her look beyond a man and 2.4 kids or galvanise her to be more ‘aggressive’ (play the numbers game) to increase her chances.

I am happy being single and it took a bad relationship for me to appreciate all the great things about being single.

I moved, I lived in fab little city but was very lonely, I struggled to maintain female friendships (another story), I moved, life got better. Also get yourself out there, Covid gives less options but take every invite, get yourself to things that you wouldn’t normally go to? I say that someone who nearly didn’t go out the night I met my husband, I couldn’t be bothered, was cajoled into it. Turns out he was too, he was tired from work, nearly sacked it off. We nearly never met

Chickens might fly and porn star ovaltini said it well, you probably need to think outside the cliche of get a partner, a dog, a child, or even a new house, to solve your life. Sounds as if you have plenty of ability and resource, so you will thrive on different plans, such as the borrowing of a dog, or getting involved with something worthwhile. Bear in mind others are in need of the intelligent interest you could give. Maybe not the cliches, again, because something about your post sounds as if you are suited more at the out of the ordinary. If everyone around you knits scarves, wouldn't you be one of the first to sign up to knit a willie warmer for the nude statue? A third of adults in hospital never have visitors, a lot of older people need help from non existent grandchildren to manage modern tech. There's a world needing you, as well as the dogs and the nude statues!

Have a serious think about the dog suggestion. Our dog filled a loneliness that I wasn’t even aware of in my life. I can’t imagine the positive change they must make to a lonely person’s life. We met so many friends through him. Get researching and having some adventures with a furry pal and I’m sure everything else will fall into place. You’re still so young.

Have to agree with the dog suggestion -assuming you at least like dogs of course.
Totally changed how I feel about my life (DH WORKS 12 hours every day, travels a lot, new town, children away). OMG they give you a reason to get up and out every single day - over the top love every time they see you and soooo many new friends from walking! And believe me I’m fairly reserved and don’t find it easy to make new friends at places like yoga etc.
Sounds stupi but dogs can change your life xx
Hope you find a way forward ...

I was introduced by an old friend. He fitted into my life, rather than me bending over backwards to fit in with men in the past.

Of course you’re not perfect, nobody is, not even the younger models you are worried about. Just keep telling yourself you’re worth a lot, have tons to offer, and if someone can’t see that then they’re not worth your time. I know that’s easy to say, but it really is true!