Silence after argument?

[Saltandvinegar86]

Hi, 1st time poster here but longterm lurker. I’m posting because I’m quite upset and want to process what’s going on- basically I’m interested in what you would do in my situation.

I’m a 33 year old woman who has been in a relationship with a man I met online at the end of October. He is 43 and has never been married or had children- neither have I, but I have lived with two previous long term boyfriends. He hasn’t, and I don’t think he’s had a relationship that has lasted more then a year. We have been seeing each other for about 9 months but didn’t see each other at all from March to the end of June due to lockdown. We see each other about once a week for 24 hours- both of us have very demanding jobs and we live an hour apart. So I guess in that respect it isn’t that serious. However he does call me his girlfriend, we’ve met some of each other’s friends and family and he is normally very attentive, affectionate and reliable. A week ago we went away for four days and had an amazing time- I was a bit worried it might be too much given how little time we have spent together previously but it was lovely and I felt we got a lot closer.

Anyway, last night I met him after work and we went for drinks/dinner in central London. We were having a nice time until we got to the restaurant when a woman he used to work with came up. He mentioned that she was attractive and I don’t know why, it really wound me up. I’m not a child and I understand people are attracted to others even in a relationship but it played in to my insecurities- I guess about how I don’t really know where this relationship is going. I don’t feel secure about his feelings for me (he isn’t very emotional or vocal) and I don’t want to waste time and get attached to someone who might not be able to commit. Also this woman is 22 so half his age and 11 years younger then me! This escalated in to an argument about whether we should bother continuing (driven by me and probably partially driven by alcohol). He was upset and seemed clear he wanted things to continue but I guess in a clumsy way what I was looking for was reassurance of his feelings which I didn’t get. I know I went the wrong way about this but couples do fight. It seemed almost like he didn’t understand that.

I was supposed at stay his but it was clear when we left the restaurant that he was very angry (he didn’t do anything but physically it was obvious(. I have never seen him like that before. He said he thought it would be better if we spent the night separately, which I was upset about because I think it is always better to try and talk things through. Despite this he held my hand on the way to the station. When we got there we went our separate ways. I was upset because nothing had really been resolved.

I called him twice this morning (we both have today off work) and he didn’t pick up. I know his phone is on because he has been on WhatsApp. I didn’t want to keep phoning as I thought he probably needed to cool down so I sent him a quick text saying ‘I’m sorry I upset you last night. I would like to talk. Let me know when you’re ready.’ The message has been delivered but he hasn’t been on WhatsApp since before I sent it and he hasn’t read it. That was 5 hours ago. I just don’t know what I can do now. I don’t want it to be over but even if it is, I don’t want it to end like this. I’m worried I’m never going to speak to him again ☹️. Thanks for taking the time to read this novella and I’d really appreciate any advice.

Way too much drama for a new relationship. It was crass of him to say a 22 year old was attractive in front of you, as if the 22 year old would even consider him! he may continue to do this as a way of lowering your self esteem.

The silent treament is a recognised form of abuse. He wants you to suffer, then wring your hands and grovel with apology when he does deign to talk to you.

Sorry, meant add - throw this one back!

Silent treatment is a power play. You've reached out. Your part is done. Now wait. Here is what's happening. You've had an argument. He thinks he is in the right and is now waiting for you to beg him for forgiveness. Don't fall for this so early in the relationship. I did with my ExH and it took years to get out of that dynamic. You can apologize when you're wrong and ask to talk about it, but you don't have to beg and grovel for forgiveness. I know it's hard but you just have to wait for him to come around now.

Exactly what @TwentyViginti said. What he said was inappropriate, and the silent treatment is a manipulative way of trying to gain the upper hand. IF you want him back he will 'deign to speak to you' when you've humiliated yourself by grovelling enough, and he will note that this is a very effective way of getting what he wants from you. You have to ask yourself if being in such a manipulative relationship is what you want. The silent treatment is page one from the Narcissist's playbook, you might find this useful: survivingnarcissism.tv/the-narcissist-silent-treatment/ It is never an appropriate way of showing you disagree with someone in a relationship, it is incredibly manipulative and controlling.

I'm sorry OP but he commented on how attractive a 22 year old was, you got upset, called him out and you're apologising to him ... Why?

You also mention he isn't very emotional or vocal, though he managed to voice how attractive this girl was, to you!

I don't think you have anything to apologise for, it should be him for being insensitive to your feelings, and by trying to phone him and apologising you are giving him the impression he is right and you will put up with this kind of insensitive behaviour from him.

Just leave it, OP. You’ve apologized for getting angry (when provoked by his crass comment) and now he needs to reach out to you.

If he’s not capable of doing this at 43, he’s emotionally immature and not worth your time. Whatever you do, don’t grovel. If he values your relationship, he needs to build bridges now.

If he does and everything works out, perhaps explain that your feelings were hurt and ask him how he’d feel if you mentioned a buff 22-year-old at your workplace? I’m sure he wouldn’t like it either!

I think a man commenting on someone's attractiveness is perfectly fine, why be upset about it.
It is perfectly healthy and normal to appreciate a persons beauty, at least positive. If he hadn't I bet you would've wondered if he found her so?
I disagee his behaviour is what others say
He is processing what happend and how you where, he must need space and how is that wrong. You sent a message let him be for now.
If and when he speaks to you tell him your feelings
Not all men are open and is he right for your wants and needs.
Respecting each other's differences and opinions.

He's male remember!

I think there are a lot of very good reasons why he hasn't had a LT relationship or lived with anyone, or got married, or had kids.
Stop contacting him, as of right now.
Don't beg or plead for forgiveness. You did nothing wrong.
I think this may be a lucky escape.

@hellsbellsmelons

I think there are a lot of very good reasons why he hasn't had a LT relationship or lived with anyone, or got married, or had kids. Stop contacting him, as of right now. Don't beg or plead for forgiveness. You did nothing wrong. I think this may be a lucky escape.

This! He's 43 and has never had a committed long term relationship... it's not looking good.

I think he struggles with relationships/ communication but to be honest I disagree with many PP.. You were in the wrong... He made a random comment about someone being attractive (who wasn't there, isn't really a threat) and you got wound up about it and turned it into a row which continued.

He may be using silence as a tool or he may just be really busy and not really sure what to say yet... So therefore no reply.

You can either judge him on this or your normal relationship. He will be doing the same about you I'm sure. I'd leave it now and see what happens....

Personally I just think you are not well matched.. He obviously struggles to deal with your insecurities to a level you are happy with.

Its good that you've apologised and a shame he hasn't sent a quick reply like 'let's talk later' but perhaps your argument makes him think he doesn't really know you that well and can't be bothered.... Sorry...

I agree, this silence thing is an abuse in a pure form.

@happytoday73

I think he struggles with relationships/ communication but to be honest I disagree with many PP.. You were in the wrong... He made a random comment about someone being attractive (who wasn't there, isn't really a threat) and you got wound up about it and turned it into a row which continued.

He may be using silence as a tool or he may just be really busy and not really sure what to say yet... So therefore no reply.

You can either judge him on this or your normal relationship. He will be doing the same about you I'm sure. I'd leave it now and see what happens....

Personally I just think you are not well matched.. He obviously struggles to deal with your insecurities to a level you are happy with.

Its good that you've apologised and a shame he hasn't sent a quick reply like 'let's talk later' but perhaps your argument makes him think he doesn't really know you that well and can't be bothered.... Sorry...

I agree. I think the row was uncalled for. It could just have been a throwaway observation which you pounced on, and now the silence could be him thinking "What the hell have I gotten into?"

Meh, my DH doesn’t comment on attractive 22-year-olds, just as I don’t comment on attractive slimmer men ( DH needs to lose weight). We both notice them, of course, we’re human.🤣
I still think he was crass, especially as you were clearly upset.

I don't understand why he needed to comment on that much younger woman's attractiveness at all, she's a work colleague, not a piece of meat - what's her attractiveness got to do with anything ? Unless he was telling a story about her and her appearance was relevant to the story. Unless part of a story, it's a bit creepy to be voicing it, considering she's basically young enough to be his daughter! I would worry whether he's ideally wanting a much younger woman to be in a relationship with and therefore having unrealistic expectations of you, especially considering he's never settled down before. Either way the prolonged silent treatment is an overkill and a red flag.

Opinion seems pretty divided! I agree that I didn’t handle myself well in the situation and caused an argument that didn’t need to happen, but I think that he isn’t handling himself well now. He text me back last night (7 hours after I text him) and said let’s meet on Saturday and talk then. He is working the rest of this week but I don’t understand why we can’t talk on the phone after work, or meet on Friday night (which we normally would). I can’t help but think one of two things is going on: 1. He’s still angry and needs more time to calm down/think or 2. He’s planning on breaking up with me and wants to do it face to face, not on the phone. Either way I don’t feel good about this, and I hate the fact I have to wait 3 more days for any kind of resolution.

In previous relationships I’ve had big arguments and resolved them quickly. I think sometimes I find it difficult to express myself so I repress feelings and then arguing is a way to express them. I know it’s not healthy. I don’t think he is used to any kind of conflict- maybe because he hadn’t ever really gotten close to anyone.

Silent treatment is a form of control, as is him now saying he will talk, but he says when that will be.
Hard to say without being there, but his original comment could have been thoughtless but harmless, but more likely crass/provocative.
I would certainly see red flags in him not having had a significant long term relationship at his age.
Don’t bend over backwards to appease him, you’ll be on a slippery slope

It was crass of him to comment on the 22yr olds appearance and a bit creepy coming from a 44yr old. However, no you didn't react appropriately or well in the situation and it's never good when you try to get reassurance in this way.

Maybe he just needs time to process it. Some people do, I'm not sure if he's doing this to punish you, if so I'd say dump him, or if he just needs time to process things, in which case - fine.

In the next few days contact him as you would do normally and see how he is, but no chasing or grovelling

Few things here, I kind of agree with posters who say that the attractive comment did not warrant an argument. We dont know the context of the descriptive but in any case I dont think that should mean let's have a drunken argument in a public arena.
As you have mentioned op, you are fully aware that your reaction stems from your insecurity about your relationship with this man, but you do go on to say he reiterated that he wanted to continue the relationship, so maybe from his pov he did all he could to answer those insecurities. Realistically this is a 9 month relationship, 4 of which there was no physical contact so still quite new in all honesty. That doesnt you wanting more emotional reassurance is wrong, it just means that maybe he just doesnt feel he can give you anymore at this point
.
Trying to play devils advocate, with the limited info we have:
If I was seeing someone for a few short months and then had to park it during lockdown.
After lockdown, things were getting a bit more normal and we had meet for dinner. During which I made a throwaway comment about someone I work with being attractive, relevant to the conversation we were having (talking about Darren the young bloke I work with, he is a nice looking lad but a bit of a twat, he loves himself) for example.
This comment then leads to partner making a big deal out of it about whether we should finish things
I told them that I didnt want to end things but because they had been drinking it all got a bit heated, all a bit worrying as we were in public too

Well, if that had happened as above I think I would be reacting similar to him too. I probably wouldve acknowledged your apology and left it there to process the details and put some serious consideration in until we could meet again. I dont like having conversations like that over the phone or via text. I understand that its shitty for you but if he needs time to think and would rather discuss it face to face then, in your circumstances, I dont think that can be helped. If you lived closer with different schedules a quick coffee after work to have a chat may be possible but unfortunately it isnt.

On the other hand I would always be cautious about someone who has got to 43 without a relationship that is longer than a year. It may just be that he is an extremely self sufficient but unlucky in love man. Or it could be that he struggles to form emotional connections with people deep enough not to just walk away from when the going gets tough.

This is what dating is all about. It’s to a series of tests to see how you get along. For both of you there were chances to pull back from the argument and stalemate before it got out of hand. I’m not going to over analyse it. But this is were you need to think whether you work as a couple. Which he might be doing but you aren’t.

A healthy argument or disagreement is part of good relationship. But when they get angry and pointless they are destructive.

Hmmm no matter what the rights and wrongs of the argument he’s not handling it well at all. Mature intelligent adults communicate, they don’t sulk or freeze the other person out. As for making you wait until Saturday to talk to you that is definitely a control thing. He is dictating how and when this will be resolved, he’s making it clear that he calls the shots. Red flag!

He's got you exactly where a controlling man wants you, thinking about him, wondering what you did wrong and how you can fix it, everything on his terms so far. He's not desperate to keep you is he? If you want to talk to him, do it, but have your eyes wide open, don't just be grateful he has "forgiven" you for getting pissed and upset he's letting you know he finds 22 year olds attractive. Red flags everywhere. Read why does he do that as part of your preparation for the big talk on his terms

Thanks to everyone for the advice. Although it is slightly divisive I do agree with pretty much everyone! I don’t want this to end but I’m not going to force anything. I’m going to go and meet him on Sat and just explain it as I have here- but I certainly have no intention of trying to persuade him to stay with me. I know I am culpable here but I don’t think it is quite that clear cut- he is much more reserved and emotionally restrained then I am used to. Not that that’s wrong, just different. And maybe not right for me. I also think that although I am very independent and successful in my career, I am quite emotionally immature. I’d never really noticed the age difference between us but it has become increasingly apparent this week. It’s lovely to be able to confide in people who don’t know you so can be objective. Thank you all 😊

Please don't go and apologise. Like others I've never commented on how good looking a bloke is in front on my dh, if I did he'd have every right to be upset.
You called him out on his behaviour
He shut you down and ended the evening
You text the next day to sort it out
He ignored you for most of the day
Pushed back your next meet
He didn't apologise

Tbh he seems quite controlling

I think that the perfect stance to take op. If he doesnt want discuss it Saturday then you're better off to part ways. I always follow 3 rules acknowledge it, accept it, move on from it. Good luck.