Silence after argument?

[Saltandvinegar86]

Hi, 1st time poster here but longterm lurker. I’m posting because I’m quite upset and want to process what’s going on- basically I’m interested in what you would do in my situation.

I’m a 33 year old woman who has been in a relationship with a man I met online at the end of October. He is 43 and has never been married or had children- neither have I, but I have lived with two previous long term boyfriends. He hasn’t, and I don’t think he’s had a relationship that has lasted more then a year. We have been seeing each other for about 9 months but didn’t see each other at all from March to the end of June due to lockdown. We see each other about once a week for 24 hours- both of us have very demanding jobs and we live an hour apart. So I guess in that respect it isn’t that serious. However he does call me his girlfriend, we’ve met some of each other’s friends and family and he is normally very attentive, affectionate and reliable. A week ago we went away for four days and had an amazing time- I was a bit worried it might be too much given how little time we have spent together previously but it was lovely and I felt we got a lot closer.

Anyway, last night I met him after work and we went for drinks/dinner in central London. We were having a nice time until we got to the restaurant when a woman he used to work with came up. He mentioned that she was attractive and I don’t know why, it really wound me up. I’m not a child and I understand people are attracted to others even in a relationship but it played in to my insecurities- I guess about how I don’t really know where this relationship is going. I don’t feel secure about his feelings for me (he isn’t very emotional or vocal) and I don’t want to waste time and get attached to someone who might not be able to commit. Also this woman is 22 so half his age and 11 years younger then me! This escalated in to an argument about whether we should bother continuing (driven by me and probably partially driven by alcohol). He was upset and seemed clear he wanted things to continue but I guess in a clumsy way what I was looking for was reassurance of his feelings which I didn’t get. I know I went the wrong way about this but couples do fight. It seemed almost like he didn’t understand that.

I was supposed at stay his but it was clear when we left the restaurant that he was very angry (he didn’t do anything but physically it was obvious(. I have never seen him like that before. He said he thought it would be better if we spent the night separately, which I was upset about because I think it is always better to try and talk things through. Despite this he held my hand on the way to the station. When we got there we went our separate ways. I was upset because nothing had really been resolved.

I called him twice this morning (we both have today off work) and he didn’t pick up. I know his phone is on because he has been on WhatsApp. I didn’t want to keep phoning as I thought he probably needed to cool down so I sent him a quick text saying ‘I’m sorry I upset you last night. I would like to talk. Let me know when you’re ready.’ The message has been delivered but he hasn’t been on WhatsApp since before I sent it and he hasn’t read it. That was 5 hours ago. I just don’t know what I can do now. I don’t want it to be over but even if it is, I don’t want it to end like this. I’m worried I’m never going to speak to him again ☹️. Thanks for taking the time to read this novella and I’d really appreciate any advice.

Thank you. That is very reassuring. I’m not an egotist and I know I didn’t behave at all well in the argument, but I think that may be as a result of my quite difficult relationship history. I know I have problems with attaching myself to the wrong people. Simultaneously I really don’t want to make excuses for myself. You are what you do, not what you say.

Sounds like you have an Anxious Attachment style, op, and this man has an Avoidant Attachment style.

I think you were completely in the wrong and if I was him I wouldn't be responding yet as I would be working out whether I would want to see you again or not.

But you have apologised and now the ball is in his court. There is not a lot you can do.

Thank you to everyone (apart from the last poster, who just seems a bit angry and mean). You have all given me a lot to think about. I don’t know how this is going to go but I really appreciate the support. X

@Saltandvinegar86 sorry I didn’t mean it to come across as angry or mean I was just saying how I felt and put myself in his shoes. Sometimes on MN men cant do anything wrong.

You say he mentioned she was attractive, so he didn’t go on and on about it. And then you admit that it wound you up and you felt insecure. Which then turned into an argument which was driven by you and alcohol. - I’m can’t see how he’s done anything wrong.
And if it was a reverse and the man got wound up and started an argument everyone on here would be saying to not call him again because he sounds jealous and insecure.

I'd say his behaviour has narc traits written all over it. Admiring someone else who is younger than you- prob to make you insecure. Not apologising or accepting any part of the blame. Then the silent treatment because you objected. Prob why he hasn't held down a serious relationship.

The silent treatment is really cruel. My dh wouldn’t point out he found someone attractive and if he did I’d feel insecure too. I’m not daft, I know people in relationships still find other people attractive but I don’t see why he would tell you that?! I wouldn’t and my dh would be very hurt if I did. You behaved badly driven by alcohol but honestly most people have handled things differently drunk than they would have sober. Neither of you covered yourselves in glory but you’ve apologised now, him giving you the silent treatment is a tactic to keep you in check. He’ll take you back and you’ll be so grateful he’s got in touch you’ll apologise more, forget his part in this, accept less from him in the future and then when something like this happens again you won’t dare say a thing because you’re afraid he’ll give you the silent treatment again. It’s paving the way for more abuse. I know it hurts now and it will hurt more but if I were you I wouldn’t say anything more to him now and when he does get back in touch I’d be ending the relationship. I wish someone had given me that advice when I was in a relationship with a monumental narcissistic sulker. He used silent treatment for any little disagreement (often to do with me feeling insecure when he openly flirted with other women in front of me, told me he wanted to cheat etc) and then eventually started using physical “punishment”. By the end he was beating me up daily, financially and sexually abusing me and had isolated me from everyone. It took me 3 years to leave that relationship. I would never ever date another man who used the silent treatment now.

Quick update: he has asked to meet me tomorrow lunchtime in a park in central London (sort of midway point between our houses). I don’t feel good about this at all as I am pretty sure he is going to end it and I don’t fancy going in to town to be dumped. We have had minimal contact the past three days, limited to making arrangements to meet tomorrow. The park seems to me to be an odd choice unless he wants to breakup. I understand that after Monday he probably doesn’t want to meet in a cafe, restaurant or pub and that we need to have a private conversation. He already had plans for Sat night/Sunday (he’s going out of town to see friends- this was arranged prior to our fight) so lunchtime makes sense, and he probably wants to be central so he can get a train after to his friend’s house BUT I just have a really bad feeling about this.

I don’t know what to do. I want to see him if he genuinely wants to talk things through and try and work them out, but if he wants to breakup TBH I’d rather do it on the phone. I’m scared of how I will react- I don’t want to get upset or try to persuade him to give things another go but I’m not confident I’ll be able to stop myself. He obviously doesn’t want to talk on the phone so I don’t see how I can establish his intentions prior to meeting. I have felt sick for the last three days- not knowing is very hard and I just feel like he is going to be cold and detached when we meet.

I’m not even sure that my sadness is about him- I just really don’t cope well with rejection. I also had quite a traumatic breakup two years ago. I was seeing a man for about four months. We didn’t have much in common but we were very attracted to each other and were having fun. There was no conflict so I really didn’t expect him to end things. One Sunday we meet up us normal, went out for lunch, had a drink in a pub and went for a walk. Everything seemed normal, we were laughing, kissing, holding hands etc. We went back to his, watched a film and had sex. Afterwards he was really quiet and seemed cold and like he wanted me to leave rather then stay the night, which I always did. He didn’t say anything but I could just sense something was off. I asked him what was wrong and he said nothing but it was very obviously not true. So I asked him again and he said he wanted to break up, that we had nothing in common and that he found me physically very attractive but boring. He told me this as I was lying naked in his bed an hour away from my house at midnight on a Sunday when I had to get up and go work in the morning. It took me months to get over. I don’t why this is relevant but the sadness and sickness I felt then gave all come rushing back over the last three days. I have a tendency towards depression and I really don’t want to go through that again. I just don’t know what to do for the best.

Don’t go to the park!! I think he’s definitely going to end it. I had this done to me but it was in the food court of a very busy shopping mall. I strongly suspected what he was going to do and I shouldn’t have agreed to meet him. It’s very humiliating for this to happen in public, I remember crying and trying to get out of the mall and getting lost!
Tell him you can either talk it over on the phone, or he can come over to you, or you pick where you will be most comfortable. Ask him outright if it’s all over, he can’t really lie.
Put yourself in charge.

You would think if he was going to end it he would just say. Can't see the point in arranging to meet when you both have to travel just to say it's over to your face. Ask him straight if you are sorting this or ending it. Good luck

I don’t think you were culpable . Why did he have to mention to you that this woman was attractive . As others have said she’d probably have cringed at that anyway , being half his age etc . Could easily come across as creepy old guy .
You didn’t like it , you told him , he went into sulky mode and told you it’s better you dont stay over . Sigh!! Like a teenager having a tantrum .
The fact he’s never had a LTR at 43, I’d say that was red flag territory . Certainly would make me very wary , I’d wonder what the problem was . That could just be me tho ,
If he does meet you and decide to end it , let him . Don’t beg him for another chance , or worse still , tell him you can change , you’ll never question him / be jealous / whatever else , ever again .
You told him how you were feeling , he copped a strop , sent you home , ignored your calls , then finally tells you where and when he will meet you . These are early days in your relationship , to chase him is to be chasing more of the same and worse . Life’s short , find someone who is more emotionally developed and less controlling

I would just ring him up and end it over the phone tbh. If he won't answer that phone him at the park when you've arranged to meet.

I would normally think this too but early in our relationship I told him that if I was going to end a relationship I would do it face to face and I would want someone to show me the respect of doing the same. So I’m wondering if he is meeting up with me out of a misguided sense of loyalty to that conversation. I think he considers himself to be quite a moral person. But I can’t work out whether he would care about my preference if it’s over. Unfortunately the reality of a face to face breakup just seems unbearable! The fact he won’t take my phone calls makes me think he doesn’t want to work things out but simply wants to let me know it’s over.

Ex was an absolute dick and anyone would have been upset by that.

This guy wants it all his way. I'd send him a text as it's the only way you'll get anything off him.
"Hi, I'm not getting a great vibe off you since our last meeting. I regret our argument and have said so, however you didn't apologise for commenting on another woman. I was enjoying our relationship but your silence isn't attractive, if you have something to say I'd appreciate it if we could talk over the phone as I'd don't want the journey into town if it won't be a happy occasion, hope to hear from you soon"

I think it's important to point out his shortcomings, and not start apologising. You already did that, and if he's a gentleman he wouldn't need it repeating.

My concern is that he's going to blame it on you for being insecure and upset over his cheap comments about the woman.

Then not let you say your piece.

I'd be tempted to not go tbh. Phone and if he won't answer tell him it's done via voice message. Get in there first and take control.

Then you never have to see him again.

@forrestgreen

Ex was an absolute dick and anyone would have been upset by that.

This guy wants it all his way. I'd send him a text as it's the only way you'll get anything off him.
"Hi, I'm not getting a great vibe off you since our last meeting. I regret our argument and have said so, however you didn't apologise for commenting on another woman. I was enjoying our relationship but your silence isn't attractive, if you have something to say I'd appreciate it if we could talk over the phone as I'd don't want the journey into town if it won't be a happy occasion, hope to hear from you soon"

I think it's important to point out his shortcomings, and not start apologising. You already did that, and if he's a gentleman he wouldn't need it repeating.

Excellent response and approach also.

I couldn't wait another day, never mind the three you've already been waiting to find out where his head's at, it's disrespectful of him, I agree with previous poster, take charge!.

I would call/text him and say you'd like to speak on the phone today rather than meet tomorrow and for him to be honest with you as to what's happening between the two of you, why should he be the one holding all the cards and making you feel like you do when you've done nothing wrong?! If he's not prepared to do that I would be saying that you don't feel it's working and walk away, if he lets you, he's not the guy for you.

Good luck x

Lots of good advice here. I think I am going to meet him because TBH I’m going to be upset either way. I’ll let you know how it goes... it really has made me think twice about online dating though. It just all feels so disposable. I’m having a nice meal out with my parents tonight and have arranged to see friends tomorrow evening- just trying to distract myself. It’s really nice to have such a supportive community of women here- it helps to feel less alone when all my friends are happily married and I sometimes think see my dating/relationship disasters as amusing anecdotes rather then actual pain 😂

Good luck OP. Let us know how it goes.

The thing that strikes me about your OP and subsequent posts is the level of insight and maturity you have for the whole situation.

For sure you deserve someone on your wavelength/ intelligence level
Take care

Good luck, hope it’s not what you fear but even if it is it sounds like you deserve so much better anyway

Good luck op. I think you’re very strong and brave, rejection hurts. I wonder if he’s baiting you, is he making you meet face to face knowing he’s probably going to end things to goad you into ending it first so he doesn’t have to? Just a thought. Hope you’re ok

Ok, so... I went to meet him today and it went well. He explained that he hadn’t been in touch because he was angry and wanted to calm down/think about the relationship. He said he had feelings for me/felt we’d got close/could see a future but was hurt by my behaviour. I explained it as best I could (as I have on this thread) and he said he did really want to be with me (I think we know how I feel about this!). I I also told him although I plan to be less combative/more mature in future we will inevitably have arguments and he can’t just ignore me for four days after to make a point. He seemed to understand. We had a lovely walk, lunch and then went to see a 4d film (wouldn’t recommend for anyone who suffers from motion sickness). Thank you guys so much for all the support and general niceness. I will stick around and try to give some back in return x

You see him once a week ? Bin him - he's not worth the hassle.

Thanks for that. I see him once a week minimum because we live over an hour a way from each other and both work 60+ hours a week in quite stressful jobs. It would be the same whoever I was dating, unless I was living it working with then.