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Relationships

I’m absolutely petrified of online dating now / feel quite shaken by this experience

87 replies

Chasingstars9 · 11/08/2020 11:38

I’m 25 and have been on online dating for a couple of years on and off. Haven’t had a “serious” relationship since I was around 20 but have enjoyed being single, focusing on my job, family and friends. I’ve been on a couple of dates over the last year but they just haven’t worked out for one reason or another, normally because we just haven’t clicked.

Anyway, I started speaking with a guy (24) a month ago. We seemed to really hit it off. He made me laugh, we were able to talk for hours about random silly stuff. He seemed genuinely nice and interested in looking for a relationship. We had phone conversations everyday and did facetime. He was honest with me and explained that he’d been to jail for 6 months when he was 19 after getting into a fight with his uncle. Due to getting into a bit of debt when he was in jail he was also not in the best financial situation hence why he only rented a room and didn’t have a car or much money. Despite all of this I wanted to give him a chance as we all make mistakes and he told me that he wasn’t that person anymore, that he was trying to make a better life for himself. He had a full time job (earning more than me so he was definitely doing well given the circumstances).

We met up two weeks ago for the first time and it went really well. We went for a meal and for a little walk and he showed me around his town. He explained that he hadn’t seen his parents for nearly four years as they had practically disowned him after being in jail. He also told me that a lot of his close friends were big drinkers and that he’d got into the habit of going to the pub every night after work/every weekend but that he wanted to change and he thought by me coming into his life that would help as I have “my head screwed on”. I’m not a big drinker and rarely go to the pub, it’s just not my thing. Things were going really well between us but the 2nd date took a bit of a left turn. I turned up to his house and he was asking me to go to the pub with him to meet all of his friends. I explained that I didn’t feel comfortable meeting his friends so early on and just wanted to spend time with him and get to know him. He wouldn’t take no for an answer and kept putting me on FaceTime with them. I eventually decided to go home and later that evening he sent me multiple messages apologising for his actions and said that he only wanted me to meet his friends because he felt so comfortable around me and felt that he was “falling for me”.

He explained that he struggled to understand boundaries because he’d never really dated before (he’s been single since he went to jail 5 years ago). He said he wanted to see me again and promised we could just take things at my pace. I decided to give him another chance and drive down there again (an hours drive there and back). That morning he was sending me multiple messages telling me how he couldn’t wait to see me, that he missed me and couldn’t wait to spend the day with me, “just the two of us”. When I got there it was a completely different story, he hadn’t got dressed and his room was a mess with rubbish all over the floor. He was very cold towards me, wouldn’t even give me a cuddle or a kiss. I asked him what was wrong and he said he was just depressed and that his life was shit. I tried to reassure him that he was doing well, that he had a lot to be grateful for and that he had a lot more than some people. At least he had a job and a roof over his head. He kept telling me to “run a mile” and that I shouldn’t be with him because “I’ve got my shit together with my own car, flat and job” and that he doesn’t have any of that. I suggested that we could go for a walk, try and get some fresh air which might lift his mood, maybe go and get something to eat and his response was “I’m not made of money”. This comment was hurtful as I certainly wasn’t dating him for his money, I work full time myself and have my own money. Slightly frustrating though as I know he’d been in the pub the night before and bought a Chinese (I think he spends a lot of money on alcohol).

We argued a bit as I asked him to explain how he was feeling and he just said he couldn’t. He said that no one (not even me) could make him happy, that he didn’t care about me and that all he wanted was “friendship”. At this point I decided to leave and go home as I felt he was just in a bad mood and I was basically his punching bag. I’d only been there for an hour and already felt drained and deflated. I’m generally a very happy person and I just felt my life had turned very negative. We didn’t speak for the rest of the day but he messaged me that night saying he felt awful for “ruining things between us” and that he would come down to see me on the train once he got paid. I said that I felt things weren’t working out between us and that it should of been the “honeymoon phase”. We’d only met twice and we were already arguing etc. I told him that I was quite upset that day (crying on my way home) after the way he treated me, especially since I’d driven all that way to spend time with him and he apologised. I just said that the situation wasn’t normal (and I guess he took my message the wrong way) as he flew off the handle and started sending me messages asking me “if he’s normal” or “should he just kill him self tonight”. I told him to stop being silly and that’s not what I meant at all but that I thought it would just be best to wish each other well but part ways as obviously it wasn’t working (and imo because it was evident he was not ready for a relationship as he had some deep rooted issues to work on).

He then asked me if I thought he needed professional help and I said that if he was feeling suicidal or had intrusive thoughts then it might be best that he seeks medical help or tries to speak to someone. Again I think he took what I was saying the wrong (perhaps thought I was insulting him or taking the piss) and he started sending more messages saying I was pathetic for crying (apparently this means that I fall for people too quickly - 100% not the case and this is coming from a man who wanted to introduce me to his friends on the 2nd date). He also said “he didn’t need help just because he didn’t want to be with me” 🤨. Apparently “he didn’t give a fuck what my opinion was anyway because he had his mates”. At this point I just wanted to diffuse the situation and move on so I said that was great and wished him all the best. In response he told me to “fuck off and delete his number”. I respected his wishes and did just that on Sunday night.

I didn’t hear anything from him all day yesterday so assumed that was the end of it, but at around 8pm I was bombarded with messages saying “he was going to end his life tonight”. I didn’t want to encourage the conversation but also didn’t want to completely ignore him just incase he did take such drastic measures. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself so I sent him the number for the Samaritans in an effort to help him. I was only trying to do the right thing but in response he said “it was on me, that he hated me and that I was a fucking cunt among other things”. I’ve also apparently ruined his life and it’s all my fault. He then blocked me and I haven’t heard anything since. I’ve felt on edge all morning and just really down about the whole situation. I don’t think I’ve done anything wrong and all I’ve tried to do since meeting him is help him and give him a chance to be happy with me but he threw all that back in my face. My mum said it’s not normal to put all of this onto someone after only knowing them for a month and he obviously has many problems that he needs to work on. He saids everyone has a problem because he went to jail when in fact I think he’s the one with the problem. I think he’s bitter about his own life. I’m not sure if he was just annoyed that I did move on, didn’t chase him or give him any attention so perhaps that’s why he threatened to take his own life last night.

I’m trying to not give it any more headspace and forget about it but I just feel incredibly down about it all. I just can’t understand how he could hate me so much when I’ve not done nothing wrong. I’ve never experienced this before with anyone so it’s just quite difficult to process. Thanks for reading if you have got this far x

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QualityFeet · 11/08/2020 12:13

It is very upsetting to be confronted by People who are scary. This man’s inability to regulate his emotional responses and his impulsivity ans aggression are awful to be around.

The scary part is that most of this was signposted very early on and You still kept giving extra chances - this incident doesn’t matter in the long term but you need to work on your boundaries and standards to keep you safe. No second chances on dates and no driving to the houses of men you don’t know that well. The first time someone seems mean, is thoughtless, is selfish, is critical, is demanding, is needy then that’s them done. You don’t want these people in your life. You can build a life full of great people or you can be someone who has to buffer yourself against the ways they disappoint you.