I’m absolutely petrified of online dating now / feel quite shaken by this experience

[Chasingstars9]

I’m 25 and have been on online dating for a couple of years on and off. Haven’t had a “serious” relationship since I was around 20 but have enjoyed being single, focusing on my job, family and friends. I’ve been on a couple of dates over the last year but they just haven’t worked out for one reason or another, normally because we just haven’t clicked.

Anyway, I started speaking with a guy (24) a month ago. We seemed to really hit it off. He made me laugh, we were able to talk for hours about random silly stuff. He seemed genuinely nice and interested in looking for a relationship. We had phone conversations everyday and did facetime. He was honest with me and explained that he’d been to jail for 6 months when he was 19 after getting into a fight with his uncle. Due to getting into a bit of debt when he was in jail he was also not in the best financial situation hence why he only rented a room and didn’t have a car or much money. Despite all of this I wanted to give him a chance as we all make mistakes and he told me that he wasn’t that person anymore, that he was trying to make a better life for himself. He had a full time job (earning more than me so he was definitely doing well given the circumstances).

We met up two weeks ago for the first time and it went really well. We went for a meal and for a little walk and he showed me around his town. He explained that he hadn’t seen his parents for nearly four years as they had practically disowned him after being in jail. He also told me that a lot of his close friends were big drinkers and that he’d got into the habit of going to the pub every night after work/every weekend but that he wanted to change and he thought by me coming into his life that would help as I have “my head screwed on”. I’m not a big drinker and rarely go to the pub, it’s just not my thing. Things were going really well between us but the 2nd date took a bit of a left turn. I turned up to his house and he was asking me to go to the pub with him to meet all of his friends. I explained that I didn’t feel comfortable meeting his friends so early on and just wanted to spend time with him and get to know him. He wouldn’t take no for an answer and kept putting me on FaceTime with them. I eventually decided to go home and later that evening he sent me multiple messages apologising for his actions and said that he only wanted me to meet his friends because he felt so comfortable around me and felt that he was “falling for me”.

He explained that he struggled to understand boundaries because he’d never really dated before (he’s been single since he went to jail 5 years ago). He said he wanted to see me again and promised we could just take things at my pace. I decided to give him another chance and drive down there again (an hours drive there and back). That morning he was sending me multiple messages telling me how he couldn’t wait to see me, that he missed me and couldn’t wait to spend the day with me, “just the two of us”. When I got there it was a completely different story, he hadn’t got dressed and his room was a mess with rubbish all over the floor. He was very cold towards me, wouldn’t even give me a cuddle or a kiss. I asked him what was wrong and he said he was just depressed and that his life was shit. I tried to reassure him that he was doing well, that he had a lot to be grateful for and that he had a lot more than some people. At least he had a job and a roof over his head. He kept telling me to “run a mile” and that I shouldn’t be with him because “I’ve got my shit together with my own car, flat and job” and that he doesn’t have any of that. I suggested that we could go for a walk, try and get some fresh air which might lift his mood, maybe go and get something to eat and his response was “I’m not made of money”. This comment was hurtful as I certainly wasn’t dating him for his money, I work full time myself and have my own money. Slightly frustrating though as I know he’d been in the pub the night before and bought a Chinese (I think he spends a lot of money on alcohol).

We argued a bit as I asked him to explain how he was feeling and he just said he couldn’t. He said that no one (not even me) could make him happy, that he didn’t care about me and that all he wanted was “friendship”. At this point I decided to leave and go home as I felt he was just in a bad mood and I was basically his punching bag. I’d only been there for an hour and already felt drained and deflated. I’m generally a very happy person and I just felt my life had turned very negative. We didn’t speak for the rest of the day but he messaged me that night saying he felt awful for “ruining things between us” and that he would come down to see me on the train once he got paid. I said that I felt things weren’t working out between us and that it should of been the “honeymoon phase”. We’d only met twice and we were already arguing etc. I told him that I was quite upset that day (crying on my way home) after the way he treated me, especially since I’d driven all that way to spend time with him and he apologised. I just said that the situation wasn’t normal (and I guess he took my message the wrong way) as he flew off the handle and started sending me messages asking me “if he’s normal” or “should he just kill him self tonight”. I told him to stop being silly and that’s not what I meant at all but that I thought it would just be best to wish each other well but part ways as obviously it wasn’t working (and imo because it was evident he was not ready for a relationship as he had some deep rooted issues to work on).

He then asked me if I thought he needed professional help and I said that if he was feeling suicidal or had intrusive thoughts then it might be best that he seeks medical help or tries to speak to someone. Again I think he took what I was saying the wrong (perhaps thought I was insulting him or taking the piss) and he started sending more messages saying I was pathetic for crying (apparently this means that I fall for people too quickly - 100% not the case and this is coming from a man who wanted to introduce me to his friends on the 2nd date). He also said “he didn’t need help just because he didn’t want to be with me” 🤨. Apparently “he didn’t give a fuck what my opinion was anyway because he had his mates”. At this point I just wanted to diffuse the situation and move on so I said that was great and wished him all the best. In response he told me to “fuck off and delete his number”. I respected his wishes and did just that on Sunday night.

I didn’t hear anything from him all day yesterday so assumed that was the end of it, but at around 8pm I was bombarded with messages saying “he was going to end his life tonight”. I didn’t want to encourage the conversation but also didn’t want to completely ignore him just incase he did take such drastic measures. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself so I sent him the number for the Samaritans in an effort to help him. I was only trying to do the right thing but in response he said “it was on me, that he hated me and that I was a fucking cunt among other things”. I’ve also apparently ruined his life and it’s all my fault. He then blocked me and I haven’t heard anything since. I’ve felt on edge all morning and just really down about the whole situation. I don’t think I’ve done anything wrong and all I’ve tried to do since meeting him is help him and give him a chance to be happy with me but he threw all that back in my face. My mum said it’s not normal to put all of this onto someone after only knowing them for a month and he obviously has many problems that he needs to work on. He saids everyone has a problem because he went to jail when in fact I think he’s the one with the problem. I think he’s bitter about his own life. I’m not sure if he was just annoyed that I did move on, didn’t chase him or give him any attention so perhaps that’s why he threatened to take his own life last night.

I’m trying to not give it any more headspace and forget about it but I just feel incredibly down about it all. I just can’t understand how he could hate me so much when I’ve not done nothing wrong. I’ve never experienced this before with anyone so it’s just quite difficult to process. Thanks for reading if you have got this far x

[Whathewhatnow]

Extricated....

[Whathewhatnow]

The PP who mentioned Cluster B upthread is bang on I suspect. Drug and alcohol abuse are often comorbid with those disorders.

You have had an incredibly fortunate escape.

And you saw it and extricate yourself very quickly. That is great. All you need to do is learn to trust your own instincts in future. They are always right. In my experience.

[katy1213]

You're too nice for your own good. The first mention of prison would have ended it for me. Block him. He is not your responsibility. Don't waste time wondering about him. If he wants to end his life - and he won't, trust me, it's all manipulative bluster - well, let him crack on. Put it down to experience and next time you meet a man who needs mending - walk away.

[whishtyournoise]

Delete, block, count blessings that he showed you who he is so early on. Nobody needs that level of crap/drama in their life!

[thecatsarecrazy]

If he ever contacts again just block. Him saying hes going to kill himself is all on him, don't let it get to you.
I met a guy on tinder once, turned out we were at school together but I didn't recognize him.
He started bombarding me with messages before we had even met saying he had feelings, would message at 3 am asking where I was, why I wasn't replying. If his messages weren't showing as received because I was out and had data off he would start being funny, he started saying it was best we didn't meet because he wanted more, started staking my twitter and being rude to people replying. Then he threw in I've got a year to live. All utter madness. I stupidly met him and he was very disrespectful. I ended up just walking away and blocking him on everything before I even got to the end of the road. Some people are just messed up

[Peridodo]

I’m sorry you had this experience OP.
You sound like a really lovely person.
I’m glad you are safe and have walked away at this early stage. You did nothing wrong, you weren’t to know that this guy has what seem like serious mental health issues.
I think you are right to take a break from dating, take some time to recover from this.
Good luck for the future.

[Midnightoil2020]

Just my two cents worth. I work in a prison with offenders. He would most likely only be in debt in prison for drugs (usually spice )

His mood swings sound like someone with drug and alcohol issues and or a mental health issue. Bipolar , depression anxiety BPD. Prisons are full of people like this whose mood swings wildly one extreme to the other interspersed with suicide threats over the smallest perceived slight. That’s their default coping mechanism is to kick off basically.

Yes people can change and reform but he doesn’t sound like one of these people. Generally it comes when they are much much older have spent years in and out of jail and lost / missed everything good in life that they want to give up coming to jail

[Zaphodsotherhead]

This has obviously shaken you badly, and you needed to offload it here. You went on two dates with this man, well, one date and then you went to his house (which could have ended so much more badly - you may want to keep your dates in public places for a wee bit longer than that, until you are sure the man is who he says he is). I've had more interpersonal contact with my postman and I'm fairly sure I don't owe him anything or to 'fix' him.

You made a mistake. That's fine. You got away, you realised what was going on, it's all good. You got a nasty shock, but it's over now.

But maybe give the OLD a rest for a bit.

[LilyWater]

Wow you handled this impeccably well OP! What a scary person - would be sheer hell to get tied up with him any further. He could see you were not up for manipulation and more running after him so he threw an entitled hissy fit in an attempt to reel you in for more abuse. Instead of taking responsibility for his behaviour, he chooses instead to abuse others by using them as scapegoats and punching bags. As others have said, BLOCK him immediately on everything for both your sakes.

[scoobydoo1971]

You picked a bad lad, but learn from it. We all make mistakes, some people don't repeat the same error of judgement. Read up on dating red flags...jail, assault of relatives, family alienation, pushing boundaries, abusive language...you should have run a mile, but no lasting harm done. Be careful!

[Bodgedboxdye]

If you can block him, I’d do so.

Leave him where he is, he sounds like a right weirdo. You don’t speak to someone like that after a month, you’ve had a lucky escape.

Please block him so he can’t get in touch when he decides. And now take the steps to move on.

You deserve way more than this and not all men are like this, he’s just a bad apple.

Xxxxx

[AuntyPasta]

You need to set the bar higher. The world is full of men and you’re only 25. Excluding those who’ve done time in prison and who’re broke but managing to go to the pub every night wouldn’t really limit your choices!

[backseatcookers]

And OP even just to show yourself that yes you missed seriously big red flags (as you seem unsure of this even now) I would google his name and sentence to see what he really did. Assuming you have his real name.

Because six months for a teen offender is a hugely lengthy term, it means he was sentenced to more and that it was a serious offence and almost certainly not his first offence. Not common for a 'fight' as such, more so for an attack with serious injuries to the victim. And as someone else says accumulating debt at that age in that situation screams drugs. As do his mood swings.

It is not the job of all 'good' women to fix broken men. Please, please don't think that seeing the good in everyone is a helpful trait. That sounds negative to you I'm sure but you need to realise that seeing the good in people to the detriment of your boundaries, safety and sensible precautions is not a gift it is a problem. A dangerous problem.

He could have turned on you in his home, you were totally vulnerable. And you know he is a violent offender. You should not have been there. I'm worried you seem to think this revelation of his character was a surprise when so many red flags were there from day one and you must try to learn from this.

You sound lovely, don't fuck yourself over by investing that loveliness in the wrong places.

I hope some of that made sense?

[TheQueef]

Yup bullet dodged.

Why do you think you were willing to take on a project like that?!?

[justkeepgoing1188]

Have you googled his name and his local court? If not I think you should because there will likely be articles from local newspapers.

6 months for a one off family fight doesn't result in that sentence.

You've not experienced this type of behaviour before and are a nice person so it's understandable you have tried to be understanding and taken what he has said at face value.

I speak from experience - block and move on before it gets any worse. He's a grown man and can get help himself if he chooses. He has a decent job (or perhaps he doesn't and is talking rubbish/or isn't a legitimate job) so is capable of sorting other stuff out.

You sound like too decent a person to get caught up in all this emotional blackmail...not that anyone should! Run and don't look back.

[justkeepgoing1188]

@inthebleakmidwinteriwouldsing

Six months in jail is a hell of a long time for getting into a fight with his uncle. I'm just saying. There's a lot going on there that we don't know about.

Completely agree.

Block.

[Tinsellball]

Friend had similar - we chatted to a homeless guy outside a supermarket and I went inside, I came out and was surprised she'd given him her mobile number.

He tried to make a move on her at a later date, put her down as his girlfriend and NoK on a form and she woke up one morning to find armed police surrounding the house. God knows what he'd done.

You're far too nice OP but protect yourself a little more, you don't want to put up with that. You deserve better!

[Helmetbymidnight]

oh op, im so sorry this happened to you.

what a horrible horrible fella.

you walked into it though- please be more discerning in future. if his initial circumstances didnt put you off (why not?) then his appalling behaviour on the 2nd date - the 2nd date!- really should have. you have no obligation to give people chances in your dating life, no obligation to be kind to aggressive men.
keep safe.

[Northernsoullover]

Here's a tip. If you use social media don't just block him change your details. For example if you are Amanda Jane Clarke turn it into Jayne Mandy. I've done this AND removed my profile pic.

[sqirrelfriends]

Op you sound lovely, I probably wouldn't have seen the red flags either so don't beat yourself up about it.

Chalk it up to experience and remember that you can't fix people or make them happy. It's not possible and it's also not your responsibility.

[Chasingstars9]

Thank you all for your amazing advice and support... really appreciate it.

I think I'm going to take a break from dating for a while. I enjoy my own company anyway so not sure what the rush is to find the perfect guy just yet, but I'm sure he'll come along one day

[starskey80]

You sound like a lovely young lady with your head screwed on. I don't think you need the freedom programme for giving someone a chance. You left as soon as he showed his true colours.
Block him now though, as he may try the suicide stuff again. And you don't need that. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

I'd agree with a previous poster that is sounds like drugs, possibly a coke binge. Would explain the debt.

Bullet well and truly dodged.

I think you handled it with great maturity so don't worry about dating again, but maybe not anyone with as colourful a past.

[justanotherneighinparadise]

There were red flags waving from the very beginning OP so treat it as a learning curve. Block him on all platforms and hope to god he finds someone new to harass.

[OhCaptain]

He doesn’t know where you live or work does he?

The second he unblocks you (he will) you need to block him. Don’t respond to threats of suicide attempts etc.

With all due respect, I suggest you seek help yourself. It’s truly bizarre that your boundaries were SO off throughout this entire thing. It really, really is.

It’s not just about seeing the good in people. Your own behaviour went beyond that, IMO. And you really do need to get boundaries in place.