Fed up

[summerfruitz]

I've been with my Boyf 5 years, we've split a couple of times over him being moody
We've never got to the stage of living together coz I have a lo from previous relationship I wanted to be sure as we split a couple of times ....
Know it sounds like a long time but the thing is, even though his moods got better and they did ( begged me back after leaving twice, said he would change, loved us etc ) I sort of see him slipping back

Can't put my finger on it but we've also had the best time in our relationship lately, which is good - talking about moving in, marriage in the future, lots of family days out BUT he will sometimes be in a bad mood and I just feel he ruins it
Like today, I just sensed he was is in a bad mood
Huffy puffy, really little patience, eye rolling, rushing about....it just makes me anxious

When I've tried talking to him he isn't very understanding or empathetic

I'm questioning if this is normal or not ? Just don't even know anymore
All I know is i am fed up and have that feeling I wish I could turn back time and not have taken him back !

Feel so silly, sad, deflated, I just don't know what to do......or if I am even being too harsh?

Some advice would be nice if anyone can talk to me
Xx

Sounds like an arse hole to me.
Ive nothing more constructive than that to say lol

@Dogssox ha thanks for your reply
My thoughts exactly- but you begin to question
Things is things are so good in everything else it's literally just that but it's bloody exhausting
He talks about the future and moving forward yet I honestly feel I don't know if I want that when he is like he was today
Now I'm getting silent treatment yet I haven't done anything
All because I called him out on it!

Just give him the silent treatment back. Some moodyness I can put up with but when it's making me feel anxious then it spoils the fun of the relationship.

Silent treatment! Run!!

Does he realise he's moody? You have to think whether he's who you want to be with for life and if your little one would be impacted by these moods.

I mean everyone is allowed an off day?

Yep he is allowed an off day. Thing is, this has split up up twice before as his moods really affected us.

A few weeks ago same thing happened and it took a whole day of silent treatment then when he finally wanted to talk as he knew he was in the wrong, it took a lo exhausting conversation to explain his moody ness really isn't nice to be around and yes I have a lo so we should be setting an example for her! If she was to behave like he did which she doesn't he wouldn't like it! So why's it ok for him to behave that way....who's the child

I feel exhausted I have to keep doing that

Always remember that silent treatment is a form of abuse. Once you know that you can make good decisions on behalf of yourself and your little one.

You don't need or want this male role model for your LO - you really don't.
Moodiness tends to get worse as people get older.
Does he smoke weed?

Google 'stonewalling abuse'.
It's horrible.
But ruining days out etc.... is not nice and it is abusive and you should end this for your own MH and your LO's!

The problem is that you probably end up walking on eggshells because of his moodiness. He hasn't changed so leave him.

Yes i think I was just ignoring the signs and playing happy families because that's what I long for! It's been this way since we've been together - like a nasty vicious cycle I feel

Horrible to feel that I wish I never took him back. But I do know I have the power to decide that and I guess I'm just really sad.

He's not here for a few days thanks god so I think I'm just going to have some me and lo time. She's a sensible lovely little girl and she does love him BUT she's also aware he has moods....so no that's not great and I don't want her growing up thinking mummy stayed with someone who does that.

I know I read much worse on here and I always play it down but if I'm honest I feel quite anxious and it's making me feel shit

No he doesn't and hasn't smoked weed
He's 40's I'm late 30's no spring chickens are we?!
He's got much better, he used to be quite nasty to me in arguments but he isn't now, just this moodiness huffy behaviour rushing round saying things like ' I'm bloody late now' just coz I've asked him to do something that I need help with as I bloody do everything
after I left him twice and he ' couldn't live without me ' stories and ' I've changed 'pfff

He hasn't changed and he's not going to change. It's part of his personality.
He makes you anxious and unhappy, you feel relieved when he's not going to be around.... I think this tells you everything you need to know.
Cut your losses and move on before you end up committed and tied to him. You're in a good position in that you live separately, in fact the fact that you are still in this position after 5 years also says a lot.
Listen to your gut, get rid and don't let him try and emotionally blackmail his way back in.

@keepingbees sounds awful doesn't it
I just mean it's good he's not here to make me feel uncomfortable and give me silent treatment, especially in front of little one!
He's done it before, so I ask him to leave and he says I make him feel like he doesn't belong here !coz I make him go! Never his fault or realise why I'm asking him to go in the first place
We've talked about moving in but where he is in debt and trying to get out of it ( which he is, he works hard and is paying it off) I want it cleared before being financially tied.
Yes exactly 5yrs down the line and we haven't been able to move forward because of him

Because he has made very bad money choices over the years over failed businesses is why he is in debt

Just to confirm, he no way sponges of me
I work and can get by on my earnings to pay bills but he is generous towards me in that way. Meals out/days out holidays I do contribute but he never lets me pay hardly
He even pays towards my bills as he is hear a lot - food shop etc but I managed before him as a single mum and I can manage again
It will definitely be right as I say he does help me out

You've taken him back twice, so he knows you'll take him back again and again, and he can continue to enjoy his strops.

You say you do everything. Do you do all his cooking/washing/ etc; when he's with you?

Being bad with money isn't great either.
What does he actually bring and add to your life?
I don't mean that to sound harsh, I know it's not easy when your involved with and attached to someone.

Yep I do all the cooking, washing, housework. All of it. But problem is as he doesn't live with me, I do it all anyway. I cook for lo, on top of housework so for me it just feels the norm if that makes sense? He often brings stuff over and has clothes here so yes I do his washing, can't remember the last time he took it home. I sort of didn't mind at first, but it's when he's moody then it starts to grate on me if that makes sense in anyway.

He will maybe wash up once we've had dinner or take the bin out but that is it. I will do washing and hang it over 2 airers
It will only come down when I take it down

He will only do stuff if I say can you make lo bed which to be fair I almost do everything myself but when he's with me for a few days at a time, sometimes he's even at mine on a day off why shouldn't he muck in?

Exhausting to have to keep having these talks when nothing changes

This type of person doesn't deal well with stress and sometimes really enjoy the coddling attention of someone orbiting around them when they are going through something. It's like they regress to being 3 years old again and cannot communicate or sort out their emotions in an adult way. They want to be soothed and rocked back to calmness because they've outsourced that to someone else their whole lives. The source of their stress can be quite small, so many days can be moody days because something might not go exactly according to plan etc.

They're hard work to be around.....in fact you will eventually feel like a doormat if you don't already. You'd be surprised how easily some can switch off this behaviour when they need or want to, but unless they really care about or seen the problem, it won't last.

The being bad with money is why I split with him the first time

No it's not great, I always hated that aspect because iam complete opposite

But he has payment plans, has shown me he has got his debt under control and hammering away at paying them off
He said his debts was one of the main reasons he feel stressed hence why he has been in moods so sort of gave I'm allowance on that as don't wanna sound harsh

And I do love him, his good side is loving lo so much like his own, takes her out and gives her a good life. She adores him
He helps me financially
He is funny and get on well and have an amazing connection
This is all when he doesn't have moods mind

@Wondersense you are spot on
Sadly but you are
His mum has wrapped him in cotton wool his whole life

@Wondersense so what shall I do? Is this done for us now ?

OP, things will not get better. Either you are happy to put up with his behaviours for the little benefits that he gives you or cut your losses and move on. I often ask myself, why do women stay in abusive relationships? You're only given one life, use it properly and tell yourself every day that you do not want to walk on eggshells due to someone's else behaviour.

The worst part of it is that you have children witnessing such behaviour from a man child.

His moods make you anxious so you spend your time walking on eggshells...

is that anyway for you, and your LO to live long term?

Also, giving you the silent treatment is abuse.

He's got much better, he used to be quite nasty to me in arguments but he isn't now, just this moodiness huffy behaviour

2 things

1. he is biding his time until you are more committed and will once again be nasty
2. swapping one form of abuse for another is a tactic. You think he isn't bad now, because it's "just silent treatment" but he is as bad. And he will get worse.