Fed up

[summerfruitz]

I've been with my Boyf 5 years, we've split a couple of times over him being moody
We've never got to the stage of living together coz I have a lo from previous relationship I wanted to be sure as we split a couple of times ....
Know it sounds like a long time but the thing is, even though his moods got better and they did ( begged me back after leaving twice, said he would change, loved us etc ) I sort of see him slipping back

Can't put my finger on it but we've also had the best time in our relationship lately, which is good - talking about moving in, marriage in the future, lots of family days out BUT he will sometimes be in a bad mood and I just feel he ruins it
Like today, I just sensed he was is in a bad mood
Huffy puffy, really little patience, eye rolling, rushing about....it just makes me anxious

When I've tried talking to him he isn't very understanding or empathetic

I'm questioning if this is normal or not ? Just don't even know anymore
All I know is i am fed up and have that feeling I wish I could turn back time and not have taken him back !

Feel so silly, sad, deflated, I just don't know what to do......or if I am even being too harsh?

Some advice would be nice if anyone can talk to me
Xx

@differentnameforthis @Year2020
Yes you're both very right - i feel so silly
But I do also feel strong enough to stop this is that makes sense
I've been waiting and looking out for any signs since the last time. Not because I didn't want it to work, because I told himself he won't get me down again
I was rock bottom last time
Now I just feel fed up and yes you're right my lo doesn't need that
He will not like it at all.....breaking up with him isn't nice. He's like a child. But he's got himself into this. And it is his personality, he can't help it.

"Is this done for us now?"

That will be for you to make that decision knowing that he will not change, is likely to get worse and your anxiety will not go away. The fact that you have split several times and gone back , he is in debt and has these strops will not make for a good partner to live with. I truly understand how difficult this is to separate and move on. However, I witness a good friend of mine who has constantly taken back her abuser and its not a good picture at all. Before you get trapped into the trauma bonding, which makes it even more difficult to leave, I would just perhaps tell him to stay at his house for a while longer so you can have some space to think and make decisions.

[quote summerfruitz]@Wondersense you are spot on
Sadly but you are
His mum has wrapped him in cotton wool his whole life [/quote]
The relationship will most likely need to end. This type of behaviour took me to breaking point in my own relationship.

The character I described can be a person who grew up in a neglected household too. They just haven't developed the maturity to process, talk about their emotions and ask for help in a mature manner. They ask for help by behaving like a toddler. They sulk because what they want is for a wonderful, caring person to swoop in like a mother and sooth them. It a toxic dynamic, one that you most likely have been contributing towards without you really noticing it. It eventually massively depletes and greys the days of the other person. It's hard work.

You need to break that pattern and I think the only way here is to separate, especially thinking about your daughter. The hill you face is insurmountable because he's had years of this conditioning from his mother and she will likely reinforce the idea that his behaviour is totally acceptable and normal.

What are his living arrangements? Do you ever stay with him?

No need to feel silly, OP. Unless you stay with him.
I think your gut has been shouting “Leave him!” loud and clear, for a long time. But your heart has been clinging to an illusion of a happy relationship, trying to ignore the red flags, hoping it will all magically get better and he will suddenly turn into the man you wish he was.
Your head needs to resolve this impasse. I think you’re nearly there, you just needed some encouragement from us here on MN, and reassurance that leaving is the right thing to do, for you and your child. You are role modelling a terrible example of what emotional abuse women should put up with in a relationship- and your child is unconsciously absorbing that. Please don’t wreck her future by grooming her to accept an emotional abuser as a boyfriend.
If you won’t dump him for your own wellbeing- do it for hers.

Life’s way too short for this kind of crap relationship OP. You’re in a good, independent position, hold out for a cracking person who actually adds something to your life instead of making it all harder work.

Don’t overthink it, he’s not bringing anything to the table and he’s dragging you down.

Yeah I was thinking after his days away he has planned anyway, I just say I need some space. In my experience that's going to be easier and less dramatic then a big 'we are done' statement that will affect both myself and lo.
No i don't stay with him as he lives with his mum. He moved back from he split with his ex wife 8 yrs ago and hasn't been able to move out since due to getting in debt.
It's why he's able to help me so much as he doesn't pay her rent. He just has the normal bills and he helps his mum too just not rent as such.
I agree he has issues and hasn't and isn't able to have a mature conversation
It just feels like too much work and I'm just fed up and tired with it

Being with someone who is moody is draining , you end up watching what you say and do so as not to set them off and that's no way to live and why should you anyway ! Also your daughter should be able to be herself not be thinking mummy's bf might be in a mood today so I should be extra quiet/good.

Well god, no wonder he’s talking about marriage and stuff - you’re his meal ticket OP. He’s his mum’s cock lodger and he’s eyeing you up next. Sack him off.

8 years is a long time to be living back with a parent and to be clearing debt. He's got quite a good situation going on really, living at home with his mum and staying over with a long term girlfriend who's doing everything for him. He's got no incentive to change really and certainly doesn't seem to have anything to offer you.
I think you know deep down how you feel and what you need to do. I know it's tough but I think you'll thank yourself further down the line. I think some space to sort your head is a great idea just don't let him bully you out of it, do what's best for you and your dd.

Well actually you say that but he's financially worse off living with me ! He's on better money than I am even though I take a good wage home, and as i am on tax credits I manage well, so In fact he has to pay much more living here to cover rent / bills then he does living at his mums! As I will have to come off them. Yes he had 20k to clear and he's just over 3/4 through paying it off so he can't physically move in until it's gone. So by Xmas he will be debt free. I've seen it all coz it was a factor we split last time. His credit score has gone from poor to excellent and he actually has savings but that means nothing then he acts like he does
Just feel a bit like he has jumped through hoops and he's throwing it away

And he HATES the fact he can't stay all the time, has to bring a case / bag so the incentive is actually there as he says he cannot wait to move in

Of course he can't wait to move in! you'll look after him like his mummy does.

He's working hard at improving himself and his life. Perhaps if he had therapy and you saw a difference? He's at his mums till Xmas so could try and you could see how you feel later?

Your option could be to sit down and explain how he behaves (he may not have amazing self awareness) and how seriously it impacts you, and how it's likely to be impacting all of his relationships and tell him he needs to get (effective) help immediately and then you will maybe have a future.

If you let it go on you'll start to resent him but he does not sound abusive and you do not sound like you are completely ready to call it a day. So why not communicate that to him, see if he takes action, and if it helps and go from there?

I don't know - if someone like this wants to change and gets help can they? Is there any specific kind of therapy they can do?

Oh and before you move in you need long discussions about money and housework! Don't assume anything! Sit down like adults and divide housework etc up!

I don't think that, I mean I agree with everything all have said but it would be cheaper for him to stay at home! And she looks after him much more than I do / would.
I mean I wash clothes but she irons, puts them away, makes dinners from scratch, she completely mothers him and he says he hates it. She's a fusser.
By moving in he will be much worse off financially and he knows that.

Mothers gonna mother

@Vodkacranberryplease sorry my last list was to previous reply not yours

Yes that's a good option I guess
I do feel for some reason I'm not ready to completely call it a day but I'm also not prepared for his behaviour and I can't see it changing

We've already said we would sit down and discuss all that, we've done the finances side on a budget calculation just not the household stuff

I'm sure its easier two people living together as we have no routine and I feel I'm home most the day and will do most of the chores which as I say I don't really mind that, it's just when he gets moody then I become resentful for all I do and for how I treat him which is respectful

I'm just going to give it a few days and stay off my phone
Normally we would be messaging- calling all the time but he hasn't contacted me since yesterday so I'm not going to worry or stress anymore and let him have his strop
It's summer holidays and I'm too tired to argue

I think you should be clear and assertive rather than saying nothing and feeling resentful.

Also you being home most of the day does not equal you being his mum/slave and even you you might not 'mind' doing it all it sets up the wrong dynamic between you - he's then another child.

I appreciate that it's a way to show your love but a much healthier way is to divide tasks up fairly so you are not spending all of your time doing stuff. I find men are often very good at ironing (shirts!) and have been known to coo over their superior ironing ability in order to get out of it. They also seem to not mind vacuuming (I hate it!) many are keen cooks (don't be left with a kitchen full of pots!) etc etc.

He's a grown man and needs to step up - and probably wants to. Acting like his arms and legs fell off at work does you no favours.

And of course money - what you expect and how you can end up not worse off. Plus planning for a split - many women on here get left in the shit by taking on some bills but not others and then having no money. Plus the man does the 'easy' bills eg power, gas, and the woman is left with the food shopping. Not fun.

Yes I know what you mean

I don't mind the house work at all in fact I enjoy it, I just want him to pull his weight in general when he is here which sometimes is a lot.

I know I should talk to him but I just feel so exhausted I'm literally feeling like I have no energy. I just want to concentrate on lo over the next few days. I work from home
So once I finish my work I just want to do something nice with Lo

Then come the weekend I'll see how how feel when find the energy to have a chat with him once lo goes to her dads