Am I an awful person?

[RunBoyRun]

I’ve been living with my DM for all of lockdown. She’s ok most of the time but we had an argument last night over something that I thought was very minor and she freaked out. Literally I had been watching the tv for 15 minutes and I picked up my iPad to quickly check my emails. She asked if I was watching it and I replied that I was and that she wasn’t going to get control of the remote to inflict her terrible programmes on me. This last part was a 100% a joke but she didn’t take it well at all.

She called me all the names under the sun. I’m a fucking bitch, an old bag, a fucking stuck up cow who irritates her just by breathing. I’m trying to control her by forcing her to watch my programmes on the tv. If anything happens to her it’s my fault due to stress etc. I asked her to calm down and she shouted she doesn’t want to calm down she wants to bully me and make my life a misery.

Anyway I apologised largely to keep the peace. Things were ok last night and this morning but now she has taken to her bed with a terrible headache and is shouting again at me.

Am I a bad daughter? Like would anyone else treat their adult daughter like this?

It sounds like she wants her own space back!

Your comment sounds like the kind of teasing people do all the time; nothing awful at all, as long as you didn't actually mean it. She sounds like she is miserable, ill, a PITA or all three?

Are you acknowledging the fact you're living in her house and behaving accordingly?

It’s actually my house. However, I’m very considerate of her. I don’t go out late (or actually at all atm). I try to please her as much as I can but nothing ever seems to be good enough. I’m actually exhausted by it all .

might be time for her to move out by the sounds of it....

That sounds like a comment I would make to my mother in a joky way..only I would probably add "...like Doctors". I often tease her about Doctors!
Her reaction does not sound normal.
Are you ok?

she has taken to her bed with a terrible headache and is shouting again at me
Well if she is shouting she doesn't really have a 'terrible headache'
Could she move out?
Does she have her own place to go to?
Her reaction was OTT.
Does she have a TV in her room?

She doesn’t have anywhere else to go. She sold her house literally the day of lockdown.

I’m ok, just fed up of waking on eggshells and anxious waiting for the next attack. I never know what will trigger her.

That sounds very difficult. What were her plans pre lockdown? Was she always going to stay with you? Is it time for her to rent her own place?

Stop trying to please her, do your own thing and if she says she isn't happy, offer to organise new accommodation.

Time for mum to move out!

Was it her intention to move in with you?.

I would be asking her to move out and as soon as possible. That likely will have her taking to her bed with a headache as well. You are not responsible for her and what you're seeing from her is abusive behaviour. Has she always been like this towards you?. Do you have siblings?.

You do not mention your dad at all here; is he still in your life?.

Walking on eggshells is code to my mind for the phrase "living in fear". You do not have to live like this and the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

What was her plan after selling her house?

My dad is no longer with us. She has always tried to control me through fear. Telling me I’d never amount to anything without her, hitting me (but not for a few years now) and reacting disproportionately to minor things.

I think she wants to live with me for a while. It’s convenient for her because I can drive her where she needs to go.

How old are you both?

I’m in my 30s, she’s in her 70s.

Have you posted about this before?

Yeah, she needs to leave!

I haven’t posted about her before no. I am a long time poster though so has N/C’d

It's not working out. You need to look after you.
I would say to her that she is clearly unhappy so it's time for her to find her own place.
If this was a partner you would think the same. I know she's your mother but you deserve dignity and respect.
You are not responsible for her life choices.
You need a safe environment.

She is still very much controlling you through fear isn't she?. She was not a good parent when you were growing up and she has not changed fundamentally since those days. She now further controls you by words.

re your comment:-
"It’s convenient for her because I can drive her where she needs to go."

I would think that you feel very much used by her and receive no thanks for driving her about either. She probably has you marked down now as her carer seeing as dad is no longer around. She knows how to push your buttons, she is the one who installed them.

Do read the website called "Out of the FOG" and read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward. It would also be an idea for you to get some counselling re this whole matter too due to your fear, obligation and guilt re your mother.

Your house = your rules. She needs to go. It sounds like she has long outstayed her welcome and needs to make other arrangements. You don’t need her speaking to you like that, especially in your own home