Is it me or do I have mental health problems?

[Mintypylonsfryingsurplus]

Hi
I posted on here a while back re. family problems but cant find previous post.
To quickly recap, I had a very abusive marriage, where my ex led a double life. (Prostitutes etc)
I did have a very bad break down and was very poorly. Was diagnosed with PSTD and dissasociative amnesia.
I had therapy and also lived abroad for six months in a retreat centre to heal.
I remarried to a wonderful man and seemed to be on a good path.
However, ( as my previous posts state) I have zero tolerance for abuse towards me now. I have boundaries as high as the moon but this has caused a lot of problems.
I am now wondering if I have gone too far the other way, or if I am still unwell.
For example several of my single 40+ bitter friends refused to come/ acknowledge my wedding. So I dropped them.
3 ( who I believed to be good friends), dropped me when I refused to be used for their cheeky fuckery
My own abusive parents who still continued to triangulate me and sibling/ gaslight deny abuse. I went LC with them
My husbands family see me as an extension of him, are now ignoring me when I put boundaries up with them for bullying myself and DH.
For context both me and DH have been very ill with post Covid symptoms for 4 months. Neither families have been supportive but will see other family members/ call to see how they are etc.
We have retreated into our own bubble.
We both have very good relationships with our grown up children, 2 very good couples. I have 3 very close friends still who I see as does DH.
I was abused badly as a child and have only put boundaries up the last 3 years.
My DH had a reasonable childhood but is the 'scapegoat' role and is also sick of being ignored or bullied.
I am also perimenopausal.
I am fed up with everyone and everything.
I was fed up with going to DH family 'gatherings' and being ignored or bullied, so I refused to go.
I got sick of the truly toxic dynamic of my own family, so I refused to stay in it.
Am I just intolerant or ill?
I am a bit low due to lockdown/illness/money problems. Worrying about getting a job etc.
But not depressed? I still find joy in the few people I actually like and like me in return.
I find boundaries really hard as not having any before really attracted abusers to me.
But now have I gone too far?
I have an issue in particular with self obsessed people.
My DH family will ignore me now as if they talk non stop at me bragging/bitching I walk off. In my brain if they do not talk to me/ ask questions then I may as well go?
A family member did this at weekend so in the end I picked up my phone and ignore them ( couldnt walk away) it caused a really bad atmosphere.
In a way I am glad I am not people pleasing anymore but am I coming across as a bitch? Is it me?
Sorry this went on a bit long

Sounds like you're doing really well. Boundaries are difficult and need to be flexible. It's very easy, when you're unsure of boundaries, to go too far the other way. You are coming across to me, as a tad inflexible.

However, I could be wrong. It is common to be surrounded by toxic people and to see that toxicity when your mental health gets better. It's perfectly acceptable to cut toxic people out of your life and to keep them out. It's also perfectly acceptable to look after your own mental health and wellbeing.

My alarm bells are ringing at some of your descriptions - 'bitter' 40 somethings for example. Being fed up of everything and everyone, makes you sound somewhat intolerant.

You're not unwell and it's common to second guess yourself when you come from an abusive background. I would suggest counselling to work specifically on building self esteem and working on boundaries. Perhaps reflecting these thoughts and doubts in a safe space would be helpful.

I would suggest just keeping away from abusive, scapegoating family members, no one needs that in their life.

If it was me, I would feel I'd have gone too far the other way if I was doing your behaviours. Your tolerance level is unique to you.

Write down your behaviours as if they were someone else (eg your ex) doing them.

I think you need to use your own experience to ask yourself whether you would tolerate your behaviour if it was your DH doing this. Specifically, are you enforcing your boundaries onto him? I think that might be your answer.

I totally understand where you're coming from and why you're making the decisions you are, however I would see you as quite rude and selfish.

I don't get all with all of DH's family, but sometimes you just have to suck it up for a couple of hours and do things you don't like.

I can see this affecting your relationship with your DH otherwise and you just pushing everyone away

@heartache590 had some good advice- write down examples of your current behavior and consider how you’d feel if someone behaved that way towards you. That’ll give you an idea of whether you’ve gone too far boundaries-wise.

I agree with PP’s that we all need to be somewhat tolerant and flexible with difficult people, especially family members. My Dad, for example,can be a right pain, self-centered and makes cruel digs and comments when he’s on a bad mood. I’ve learnt to ignore his barbs because he’s still my Dad and I love him. I let it wash over me...although we occasionally get into arguments!

People aren’t perfect, OP. Definitely cut out the really toxic ones, but perhaps not all the flawed people, or you’ll be v. isolated.

You will inevitably lose people when you start having good boundaries from being a people-pleaser/having low boundaries.

With the family member you ignored, did you try saying something like "can we talk about something else?" or did you just go straight from apparently listening to pointedly ignoring them?

With the friends who didn't acknowledge your wedding, did they give any reason? Were you formerly close?

It's difficult to tell if there's a middle road you could be taking or not, but there's generally pushback from others when you change from pushover to no-nonsense.

You still sound incredibly angry. Could that be possible?

My mother was similar to you. She also felt she had 'strong boundaries ' but as a teen I could see that in fact she was extremely judgemental and deliberately found fault with people so she could push them away. She also had a very difficult childhood. Noone lived up to her self imposed 'rules' and she had no understanding of people's flaws.

She was also a bit narcissistic, in that everytime anyone did anything she didn't like, she would assume it was a deliberate attack on her, rather than the other people just having busy lives.

Your line about your friends being too "bitter" to come to your wedding sounded just like her. It's actually pretty unlikely that a whole bunch of friends were "bitter".

Thank you all so much for you input, its really good to get unbiased opinions too.
People close to me have told me their own opinions, but I worry that they come from an agenda bias?
Yes, I worry I am becoming intolerant and pushing people away too but its really hard to find balance.
The comment I made about bitter friends does make me sound unkind 😔
I guess its just that these ex friends knew how ill I had been, but rather than be happy for me I got punished for getting a chance of happiness. I did not rub in their faces it was a quiet wedding, but the level of toxicity I received made it impossible to continue these friendships?
Yes I also hear the point about it affecting relationship with DH regarding his family, do I will discuss with him how much is reasonable to attend as couple or him go seperately.
I am still undertaking DBT therapy to understand my own behaviours too.
I do not overreact anymore or react in the moment, I just walk away, block, ignore etc.
Maybe if I spoke up at the time it would be healthier? I think I might need to be assertive instead of passive aggresive?
I just find it so hard, and so hurtful when I still get abused and rather than react or people please just retreat?
I am really struggling with this now apart from people mentioned above I have become very insular as I only feel safe with them.
My mother Still refuses to acknowledge abuse from my Father, so I still feel gaslit or it my fault?
I am finding it easier to not have relationships with people at all?
My people pleasing mode sickens me, but for example in a conversation if I get ignored/ not asked questions or talked over I walk off but that is still a reaction isnt it?
Sorry I find it so confusing and really difficult.
I wish I could be normal with people. I wonder if I have BPD 😪

To be honest, I think you're doing great, and I think you're a very strong woman. Yes, some people may see you as rude or unkind, but does that matter to you? I would definitely work on being assertive rather than passive aggressive, as you say, but aside from that, as long as you're happy with your life and your boundaries I don't think it matters.

PP saying you need to be flexible and 'suck it up' for family members I feel are coming from their own unconscious 'people pleasing' place. There's no reason to do that if you don't want to. You don't even need a reason to cut someone out of your life, you can just do that if it's better for you. There's no people pleaser police. You don't need to justify yourself, although it does sound like you have valid reasons.

The only worry I would have is how its affecting your husband. If he wants more support with his family and wants you to be more present, then I would try to find a balance and make adjustments for him. If he's happy, and you're happy, then really, who gives a toss what others think? They aren't your responsibility, you are.

Thank you all again, it is really interesting to hear the perspectives and I am taking it on board and thinking about this very hard.
@category12 with the family member in question, she wasnt doing any harm but will talk non stop about herself. To ensure the art of conversation I asked questions and showed genuine interest. Congratulated her on new job told her how good it all was. I then over a period of 3 hours tried to interject some of my own news nothing terribly exciting to be fair but I wanted to slow down her monologue.
When she was finally running out of things to say, but still going pretty strong, I waited for a pause while she stroked my cat and began telling her about his cat fight injury. She picked up her phone then jammed a picture in my face of her friends cat and started talking over me again. It was at this point I picked up my phone and ignored her as I simply did not know what to say/ do. I was truly out of my depth.
Regarding the wedding. One of them did a no show but then posted on fb her day at seaside. When I asked her if she was ok said she didnt feel well. Another refused saying seeing couples happy upset her. Thats fine but she then sent messages after of things like hope he not like last one 🤔
Other person was my own sister. She refused to come, would not send a card and then when my mum showed her pics said it all looks a bit shit. So yes, I do feel a bit angry at people being so hurtful for no good reason.

You might be coming across as a bitch, that's possible. But in real life I might well presume that was your intention, and you were a tough woman.

@BoxhillBertha your mum does sound hard work.
Perhaps I am too?
I work really hard to not judge anyone ( all though of course we make snsp judgements all the time)
My DH family are incredibly rascist so when we challenge this we are bullied for this with really vile comments, so yes I do judge them because if I am truly honest, they are very different to me and DH and we do not want to be around toxic people who crave material stuff which is wasteful, are told we are 'pikeys' and people like us let immigrants in etc?
There is no easy answer is there? I just cant agree with that viewpoint at all although I respect it is their choice to think and feel that way?

Well, only you know if people are truly toxic or not.

I never have these polarising conversations with people in RL (racist conversations etc).

Sorry pressed send...obviously if they are calling you names then that's not acceptable. If you were more confident perhaps you could dismiss their rants without letting it get to you so much?

One thing I’ve had to accept with some family members is that they have MH problems that cause/influence some of their behavior ( my Dad) so even though I don’t like everything they do, I know they don’t completely realize how hurtful their comments are. It’s not a case of people-pleasing, more making allowances . Is this the case with any of yours?

Re. Being ignored/talked over. I’d definitely walk away in that situation! I can’t stand racism either so would want to distance myself from those people- but if your DH wants to have some sort of relationship with them, it’s his choice.

It’s so difficult when people aren’t pleasant, I’ve definitely got picky about my friends, I only bother with nice people now!

Your not ill OP but intolerant off people's bull shit, I would say live your life cutting the toxic deadwood strangling you away from you.

DBT is perfect for what you are describing OP and it sounds as though you are really putting strategies in place and working hard on yourself. Take a look at C-PTSD and see if any of that resonates with you.

I think you're being a little hard on yourself to be honest. Have you learned how to work out problems in relationships? This sounds silly but when you come from an abusive background, Adult Children aren't taught these skills, they get hit or ignored instead.

Passive Aggression is not ideal when it comes to dealing with people. It may be better to read up on assertive communication skills and take it from there. In the meantime, learn some stock phrases for when you're triggered and stuck on what to do.

In the situation when you are with someone overbearing, make an excuse and exit, rather than looking on your phone and ignoring the person. 'Excuse me, I'm just refreshing my drink/going to the loo/need to get my jacket etc are all perfectly polite ways of excusing yourself from a difficult situation and wandering off.

I believe you're being triggered. When you're triggered you revert to childhood responses such as fawning (people pleasing) or freezing (not knowing what to do). It helps to have stock responses for those types of situations.

'Let me think about that.' To an offer or request.
'Please don't talk to me like that.' To someone being obnoxious to you.
'It's been great talking now, if you'll excuse me.' To someone shoving cat photos in your face.

@BoxhillBertha its very hard when at a gathering as a collective they will start these conversation only to then say "minty loves all (insert offensive racial stereotype)
I do now ignore these heckles altogether, but now 75% of DH family are blanking me totally as I do not fit in and agree with viewpoints?
Are they toxic? Well we are all made of good and not so good qualities I guess but I can only go on how I feel around them
For example disrespected, unworthy, anxious, icky etc
Now I am limiting time around them I am now aloof, not interested in family, not one of them?
I clearly need some support with this as being quiet is wrong, speaking out is wrong. Whatever I do seems wrong ☹

why do you care so much about whether they think you are right or wrong?

Crossposted
Thank you all! There are some really useful suggestions on how to be more assertive/ make sense of the dynamics.
Yes I still have so much to learn and I did not have these skills growing up! Wish I did my life would have been much easier.
As I child my Mum would fawn over my dad, treat him like a child/ distract him if he was getting violent.
I learned very early on to people please might sometimes save me a beating. I have a lot of anger towards her for that as I never challenged people in a healthy way with good communication as didnt understand that.
But you are all so right assertiveness and better communication is needed.
I will try to start doing this and see if my anger and resentment fades.
I also will only spend time with people where I am valued and respected to preserve my mental health 😊

@BoxhillBertha its not so much right or wrong, its trying to not be at the centre of confrontation/ a scene etc. As a poster said above it does trigger me, which then makes me question my mental health. I am working on becoming less sensitive and more grounded. But I spent over 45 years in this state, it takes an awful lot of time and work to find a healthy ground?
Believe me I want a simpler life, its been hard on everyone but I do not want a mental health crisis again. I worked very hard to just.put up boundaries and stopped attracting the users and abusers

I think you sound fine, @Mintypylonsfryingsurplus.

As someone with BPD/C-PTSD, i would point out that the biggest lesson is acceptance and making allowances.

I actually talk to the perpretator of my circumstances still (father) because I recognise the reasons for his behaviour in the past and accept he will have flaws. By focusing on his positives, he actually has more of those than flaws, it has just taken time for me to see those due to anger/hurt.

It is a common abuse victim pattern, where as a defense mechanism, we focus on blaming the person vs blaming the behaviour. It has taken me 15yrs with intensive therapy to reach this point in fairness.

@heartache590 It is wonderful you have navigated this so well! I spoke to my dad reguarly until recently, he can't be violent to me now but still abuses me emotionally. When I challenge him he rants and raves, my mum then says I provoked him and should keep the peace!
I have accepted them if I am honest and given their lack of awareness are unlikely to change so its easier to detach?
But yes excellent point I have been doing some work on mindfulness and not being so negative?
I think trying to see more good in people will stop being triggered. Thank you for your input its good to look at myself and realise I may be writing people off as 'all bad'
I need to find a middle ground, but also accept where situations are unlikely to change too.

As i say, write down your boundaries. Basically, you are constructing an instruction manual for you, so if someone wanted to know 'how does @Mintypylonsfryingsurplus work?' then youd have a clear, flexible but consistent view.

I am actually in the process of writing a relationship agreement (like Sheldon from Big Bang Theory) under instructions from my own therapist, and it is remarkable how predictable it makes every argument/disagreement to navigate. It is substantially easier.