Dating someone with a DC

[lemonaid1993]

Hi mumsnetters, I'm looking for some outsiders opinions on my situation and well, some advice as I'm new to this. I'll try to keep it short!

I am 29 with have no DC but want them. I left a verbally abusive relationship with a man who was Dead beat and started OLD. I met up with a lovely man who made it clear from the start he has a three year old so isn't wasting time with hook ups and would like more children in future. He was open about the break up with ex and the relationship they have now is co parenting. He has never slagged ex off which I found attractive.
He says he split with ex because the relationship was on the rocks years before splitting, then the baby came along and he stayed for the baby. They both would smoke weed in the evenings but he chose to come off it and she kept doing it. This caused arguments so he chose to leave, he threatened to take full custody if she didn't stop. He says she has stopped now and he see's his DC four times a week. He pays her maintenance and spoils the DC, says he will always care about ex but there's no love there.
When we have had days out, he has called ex to speak to DC, they sound civil and they way he speaks to his DC melts my heart. He knows I'm cautious about the situation and says he will do anything to reassure me. He's told his Mum about me and said I can speak to his Mum to get someone else's point of view on his situation to help me feel more relaxed about it.
I hate feeling like this, I keep thinking I wish I met him before DC because he's so good for me, I've never felt this connection before. I want someone to be 'firsts' and I've told him this. He says his DC isn't going anywhere and will never make me feel like number two (I know I will be number two)
He has told me I should make a decision about what I want to do soon because the more we see each other, the harder it will be.

You say "I hate feeling like this" but you don't actually say how you feel. A lot depends on that.

If you feel a bit nervous or unsure then that might be easily overcome in time, by meeting his family and having him reassure you etc.

If you feel resentful of the child, however, then you might not ever get over that, as you would need to accept you are number two. In that case you might be better leaving.

It's a tough situation but of course there are lots of people who have very good relationships with people with children. You just need to be honest with yourself and communicate with your partner. I also agree with him - the longer you wait, the harder it might be.

So you are doubting the relationship just because he didn't have kids with you first? Sorry if I sound harsh but that is quite a childish attitude. But if its really how you feel then you should end it now. If I met a guy who said that to me I wouldn't be keen ton continue anyway. If I was him i would worry you would always resent his child.

@anotherdisaster it's not childish to think carefully before entering a relationship with someone with a child! I would say that the mature thing to is think carefully and explore your feelings on in before committing, just like the op is doing.

Op my dp has two children and it works well for us. I was also anxious about it. In fact, before I met him I'd have never considered a relationship with someone with kids.

I think you need to see his child as part of him, rather than a rival for your affections.

It is hard to date someone with kids especially when you dont have any of your own. But not because of firsts, but because of time, emotional, financial reasons. Problems in the future when they are teens, ex being involved etc. But lots of people do it. It is up to you to decide whether it is worth it.

@KylieKoKo yes absolutely but perhaps be clear on that before starting anything. I wonder if she has thought that carefully if she is still unclear!

He's not wrong. You need to consider your feelings.

Decide now if him being a parent is going to be something you can handle going forward. If not, then walk away.

You can't change his past. You can't be the first. But you have a chance to have something great with someone loving. What's worth more to you?

Feeling like what?

"I hate feeling like this, I keep thinking I wish I met him before DC because he's so good for me, I've never felt this connection before. I want someone to be 'firsts' and I've told him this. He says his DC isn't going anywhere and will never make me feel like number two (I know I will be number two)"

OP - why are you focused on the fact that you won't be having firsts with him, when everything else seems to be going so well?

Yes, there are certainly complexities in a relationship with someone who already has children with someone else but from what you say he has shown himself to be a loving and responsible father. You could see that as giving you an advantage if you are looking for someone to have children with - most of us don't get to see our co-parents in action as parents before we have children together.

Of course, there may be other reasons why this relationship isn't right for you which don't come across from your OP. But you do sound as if you've got a slightly fixed view of how things should be - e.g. you can only make a life and have children with someone with whom you're sharing firsts, and you're in danger of sabotaging a happy and fulfilling relationship with a really good guy because of it.

Or is that you want a partner who will put you first before their child? That's an unreasonable thing to want and in fact I would suggest you should run a mile from a man who willingly puts any other adult before his child. That's not how proper parenting works. But if that is how you feel, then yes - you shouldn't be in a relationship with someone who has DCs.

If you met him first he wouldn't be the man he is now. Possibly not even as nice as he seems, as his child seem to have made him a better person (eg giving up the weed).

Thanks everyone for the replies. I think I just find the whole thing scary IYKWIM? He's doing everything right but it's my own thoughts that are making me worry.
Kylie, I had also never considered dating a man with children. I just love his personality so much and the fact he's so loving to his DC attracts me more but also scares me!

Dery, I agree it's nice to see how he is a co parents.

Do remember that taking on him includes taking on his DC. It's not just about firsts. You will be a step mum before you are a mum. And you will need to be able to love the DC and be happy to include them in your life.

If you really like him and have feelings for him then don't end it, carry on seeing him, there's no rush to meet his son and have him in your life yet, just enjoy your dates with him. It's not easy to find a connection with a man who wants a committed future. If it did become a serious future with him, it should happen over time, naturally, being introduced slowly to his son, he doesn't live with him full time so you would still get child free evenings with him.
Really depends on if you like him enough to accept him having a son.

Notcool
I do have to keep reminding myself he has a DC because when we're together, it's like it's just me and him then he calls ex to speak to DC and the reality is he's a Dad. I love hearing him talk to DC but also scares me as I don't have any DC. I can do what I like but he has a massive responsibility.

Crystal Thanks for the advice, I definitely am enjoying his company and have a connection. He has said he won't ever let a woman meet his DC quickly and it would be slowly if things got serious. I suppose I also worry what if DC doesn't like me or the EX gets funny.

please don’t write him off just because he has a child

I just think you need to be clear you can.m handle that before you run the risk of developing feelings for him. From what you said you have just thought about firsts with him but you will be having firsts with his DC. And it's important you don't resent the child for that. Or not want to be engaged with the child in the same way when you have your own. Reading the step parent board on here shows how tough it is to be a step parent. And it's not something to enter into lightly. I think if I was young and Child free I wouldn't want to go down that path.

He's got a commitment towards that child, so you will have to plan your life around his childcare duties to that child, depending on the shared custody of that child with the ex this will affect date nights, weekends away, holidays, Xmas, birthdays, this gets even more complicated if you have kids together where every one spends bdays/Xmas and holidays, there is also the issue in future with his kid growing up and you moving in together, you are all ready aware that you will allways be second, his kid may stay/live in the same house as you but you will have no say in how it is brought up, there is also a greater chance of trouble in their teens when parents have split as apposed to a stable family. At some point later on down the line you may start to have to sacrifice your free time to look after his kid if he is busy, taking/picking them up from activities. If he has them for the weekend you will have to goto child friendly places like animal adventure parks for the day and eat out at places which are child friendly, in my experience this means eating at places like hungry horse where food is pritty rubbish and having to listen to kids running around crying and screaming. I'm sure some people will come along and say it worked for them but if they had a second chance they would probs not go with someone who already had a child, you will be the one who has to make the most sacrifices as you have no commitments.

@lemonaid1993- it’s not the “firsts” that count- it’s the “lasts”! It’s hard dating with DCs- especially if you don’t have your own yet. 💐

I think anyone who tells you it is a walk in the park dating a man with DC would be lying OP. It does have its challenges and they will be different for everyone. Sometimes it's the ex, sometimes it's the kids not reacting well to you, sometimes it's a lousy partner etc etc... And sometimes even if everything is fine, it can still be hard.

However, you have to weigh up if he is worth this commitment. I am now married to a man with DC, my DSC and yeah it's been tough at certain moments, I was quite lucky in that the kids took to me really well from the off, I've never had any problems with his ex and DH is a great dad, but there have still been times when we've had to cancel plans or where I would have liked to come first but had to accept I didn't, where we've disagreed on certain things etc... but our relationship is worth it and I'm happy that I chose it.

One thing I will say is don't be made to feel like you have to love his DC like your own and all of that (I see you've already had a sort of comment like this on here). There is often an unrealistic expectation placed on women who's partners have children to love them straight away, like their own etc... And I don't think it's helpful because I think it doesn't always work that way. If love comes later then great, but it may not and you do not have to play 'mum'. Being a friendly, welcoming adult is all that is required.

If it makes you feel second-best that he's had a long term relationship before and a child, then it might be worth trying to unpick what's going on with you with a therapist. Because he hadn't even met you, presumably?

But at the end of the day, if having "firsts" with your partner is important to you, you're with the wrong guy.

My DH has an older DD; looking back the main thing I’d always say to someone is to go into a relationship with your eyes open knowing that the DC will always come first (as they should) but also the DCs mother will have an impact on your life; if she changes contact times it effects you and if there are issues between her and your DP it effects you and any future children you have. I completely underestimated that impact although for all the trouble it has been more than worth it to be in DSDs life.
I do understand where you’re coming from about not being the first person to have a baby with someone; my DH has always said that having his first DD and then having our DC has been very different due to our relationship and living with our DC full time has also made it very different. Although he has a DD it doesn’t change the fact the children we have together are our first together and each child, his DD included, is special on their own way. He was also very aware not to always say “we did it like this when DSD was a baby” and actually the fact that he’d done the newborn stage before came in quite useful.

I really disagree @FrootTheLoot If you don't think you can love his DC you have no business to get involved with a man with children. The child is 3. It's not their fault their parents split up. The OP clearly wants children and if she can't love (not immediately but through time) his child will always be aware of this and feel second best. I speak as someone raised by a step parent. And as someone who has chosen not to be involved with a partner whilst my kids were small and my marriage broke down. I never wanted them to feel second best in their own home. I'm now dating a man with a younger child and if I didn't feel I had the capacity to grow to love them and care for them I wouldn't carry on dating their dad.

Some of the posts on the step parenting board are so sad. I read a post the other day asking for the positives of being a step parent and so many people replied there weren't any. Those children deserve better. They were there first.

I think it's unrealistic to expect every step parent to love their DSC as much as they would their own child. I'm not saying you wouldn't develop some form of love but I think it puts an unrealistic pressure on people when they end up thinking 'am I doing something wrong because I don't love my DSC like they were my own'.

There's been plenty of threads about this subject before. The general consensus has always been that it's an unrealistic expectation. Some will, lots don't. It doesn't make them bad or wrong so long as they don't treat the children any differently because of it.

And yes I agree the step parenting board can be sad but you're not going to get very many posters posting about happy blended family situations.

Just like the relationships board isn't conclusive evidence that all relationships are hard/destined to end. It may seem like it if you just look at the posts here but we know there are plenty of people who do have good relationships who just don't post.

Hi OP I'm a similar age to you but several years down the line dating someone with one child from a previous relationship (we now have a daughter together too) so I thought I'd offer my two cents. I honestly never dreamed of dating someone with a child.

I must caveat this post with the acknowledgement that being a step parent is a really hard road, and if I found myself single I would probably wouldn't date someone with children again. Having said that however, it can be a really rewarding journey and I'm grateful I have my SS in my life. I wouldn't change things now.

As others have said, one of the most important things I think is to let go of the idea of the importance of 'firsts' etc. You have to do away with being idealistic. I used to be hung up on this but now realise it's a complete waste of energy.You could be a man's first everything and he could turn our to be a complete bastard.

What Froottheloot said about not feeling pressured to 'love' them is also really important. Your job is to be a kind, respectful, welcoming and accepting friend/mentor to them, not their mum. I remember feeling like a monster because I didnt feel like I loved my SS from the off, but now I see that love takes many years to grow and you can't just force yourself to love someone else's child.

The age of the child also makes a difference; a 3 year old is much different to trying to win over for example, a 14 year old who's hurting from a divorce.

The fact he has a good relationship with his ex is really really important because it says something about his character and also will make things a lot easier for you. If the child doesn't live with him full time it helps as you still get plenty of couples time and it isn't so intense.

One thing I would say is to make sure he really does want more children and a similar amount to you. I've read many posts on here where people don't get the family they wanted because their partner with DCs is happy to stop at just the one more etc, when the woman envisagned their own large family.

Anyway, my SS is a really funny and loving little character who has accepted me without question, making me see how unquestioning and open-hearted children can be. Sorry for the essay and I know I've repeated what lots of people have already said, just wanted to offer my perspective.

If you’re feeling like this now I’d walk away.

How long have you been together? How long before you met his daughter?

I’m many years down the line, married, have a child together who is my first. My step kids are great and I haven’t worried about firsts because DD is our first child together, I was married before so while it was a second marriage for both of us it was obviously our first together and it’s very happy and stable. But I wouldn’t recommend step parenting. Especially not if you haven’t been together very long and already feel unsettled about things like firsts and him having had a serious relationship and a child before meeting you.

He’s being sensible. If this isn’t for you then set him free so you can both find what you want.