Dating someone with a DC

[lemonaid1993]

Hi mumsnetters, I'm looking for some outsiders opinions on my situation and well, some advice as I'm new to this. I'll try to keep it short!

I am 29 with have no DC but want them. I left a verbally abusive relationship with a man who was Dead beat and started OLD. I met up with a lovely man who made it clear from the start he has a three year old so isn't wasting time with hook ups and would like more children in future. He was open about the break up with ex and the relationship they have now is co parenting. He has never slagged ex off which I found attractive.
He says he split with ex because the relationship was on the rocks years before splitting, then the baby came along and he stayed for the baby. They both would smoke weed in the evenings but he chose to come off it and she kept doing it. This caused arguments so he chose to leave, he threatened to take full custody if she didn't stop. He says she has stopped now and he see's his DC four times a week. He pays her maintenance and spoils the DC, says he will always care about ex but there's no love there.
When we have had days out, he has called ex to speak to DC, they sound civil and they way he speaks to his DC melts my heart. He knows I'm cautious about the situation and says he will do anything to reassure me. He's told his Mum about me and said I can speak to his Mum to get someone else's point of view on his situation to help me feel more relaxed about it.
I hate feeling like this, I keep thinking I wish I met him before DC because he's so good for me, I've never felt this connection before. I want someone to be 'firsts' and I've told him this. He says his DC isn't going anywhere and will never make me feel like number two (I know I will be number two)
He has told me I should make a decision about what I want to do soon because the more we see each other, the harder it will be.

If I’m honest if someone I was seeing expressed that it was a disappointment that I had a son because they as an adult would miss out on a few firsts I would end it. It would make me worry that they were jealous/resented my son and those feelings would only become stronger, I’m not willing to expose my son to that.

You as the child free person have to be really honest with yourself about what you want and what you’re willing to give up without being resentful etc. Having a child together is a big decision as you cannot treat the new child any differently to your partners child.

I have a son (recently turned 5), my boyfriend is child free and only in his late twenties. It isn’t easy dating someone with young children, proper dates are few and far between because you can’t leave a young child home alone, weekends away are a no go as are holidays unless they include the child/ren.

We have managed to have one child free night away, the weekend away we had wasn’t child free so after 8pm it was a case of staying in so my son could go to bed. Equally we were meant to be going on two holidays together this year, so again I would be in from 8pm every night so my son can sleep.

You can still be spontaneous, but in a different way, so while we can’t decide with an hours notice to have a night out, you can still quickly plan something but it has to of course be child friendly.

We’re living together now and that has of course come with its own set of challenges, usually if you move in with a partner you develop your own little routine together, when theres a child involved the adult has to slot in to the routine that already exists. Even things like kids getting up really early, I know my boyfriend would usually get up around 11am at the weekend, that doesn’t happen with a five year old in the flat! Wake up is normally 4am because thats when he usually wants to get in my bed.

You do have to take on some form of parenting/supervision of the child/ren, as much as I live here and I’m the parent, if I’m in the bathroon, taking the bins out or whatever he then becomes responsible for my son.

It hasn’t been easy, it also hasn’t been a disaster. But he had no idea how tiring it would be, he was asleep by 9pm most nights for the first three weeks of living here 😂 He’s not here at the minute as he had surgery last week, his main review so far is the fact that he can sleep in, doesn’t stand on any lego and apparently there is this thing called quiet.

I have a DS. My DP is younger than me and doesn’t have kids, he doesn’t want his own kids either. He is AMAZING with my little boy and they adore each other.

The thing is DP knows he’s 2nd in my life. He’s knows DS comes first at all times. He’s accepted that that means I do things that he’s not keen on, like giving my ExH the use of my car before he’d bought his own. I did it purely for DS, but it might have seemed I was helping ExH. DP has to stand back and let me and DS effectively run the show, he doesn’t ever discipline DS, he has accepted that DS is an extremely early riser (which sounds like no big deal but getting up at 5 every day is not fun), he accepts that I will drop anything for DS, he’s the first thing in my mind. If DP couldn’t cope with that it wouldn’t work. I’ll be totally honest and say I couldn’t do it the other way round .

You’ll still have firsts with your partner and his DS. I think maybe look in to the reality of always knowing you’re not your partner’s number 1 priority and see how you feel.