Suffocation by being ignored

[threesecrets]

I need some help here. My DH has issues and tends to be unnecessarily Abusive with language. He does it in a sort of passive aggressive way eg if I'm cleaning the bathroom "why are you so bloody loud are you dropping bombs in there" in an angry tone. TBH that's actually nothing. He's called me stupid mummy in front of our 3 year old and much worse but don't want to bore you. The crux is, I need help raising this with him. I try to and say " I felt uncomfortable with what you said" etc and he will actually completely ignore me. He will just sit on the sofa or wherever we are and not respond. It doesn't feel like we've communicated or got anywhere. What should I say or do when he just ignores like this?

We still haven't discussed the time he called me and DD "deaf and congenitally stupid"

You should leave him. Because he is verbally abusing you AND your daughter. You have a choice in this, she doesn't. She needs at least one parent to put her first and as he certainly isn't, it's going to fall to you. You're showing her that it's ok for a man to call her stupid in a relationship, that's the blueprint for relationships that you two are teaching her. It sounds harsh and I understand you're being victimised too but hopefully it will help you accept that you need to leave if you realise that unfortunately you're being complicit in his abuse currently. He knows full well he is being cruel, nasty and insulting. He just doesn't care enough about you or his daughter to stop doing it. Please start trying to accept you can't stay in this relationship, it's not healthy for anyone involved.

Tried again tonight. After a lengthy silence he said "I need to be up in 8 hours and turned off the light". All I want is a meaningful apology. He is heartless.

@threesecrets

Tried again tonight. After a lengthy silence he said "I need to be up in 8 hours and turned off the light". All I want is a meaningful apology. He is heartless.

You shouldn't just want a meaningful apology, you should want to find a way to leave this relationship for your daughters sake if not for yours. I don't know if you had a chance yet to read my previous post but you're teaching her that this is acceptable. Do you want her to be in a relationship like this when she's an adult? That's just one of the things at stake if you don't leave him.

He's a nasty prick.

How can you bear to be with someone who would speak about your daughter like that.

He is horribly abusive.

Protect yourself and your child.

Every day the tales of abusive men appear on these boards without one single reason why the women put up with it. If anyone called me or my daughter "congenitally stupid" he'd be out on his arse.

People who love you don’t try to hurt you with horrible words.

You and your dd deserve so much more.

Do t think about how you feel about it for now, it makes it muddy. Think about how you would feel if your daughter was completely unconfident at school, coming home saying she shouldn't bother because she's not good enough. No mother wants to see her child like that. That's how your husband is going to make her feel, and you can stop it

*don't

You are worth more than this. A man who treats you with so little respect or just plain decency does not deserve you. Show your dd that you value her and yourself by getting out of this relationship. He actively ignores you when you raise an issue, he has no interest in changing his behaviour.

He sounds vile- nobody who loves you would treat you like this. I’d be horrified if my DP told me I’d upset him regularly with the way I spoke to him. You can’t make him care OP- I was with someone much like this who I had my DS with- I was terrified of the thought of raising DS in a home where he thinks this is a “normal” way to treat people so I left. It was hard but it’s so worth it to not raise your DD in a toxic home x

As I read your OP I could see that you are minimising this so that you don't have to leave him. If strangers on the internet can tell in a couple of seconds that you won't leave, he sure as hell knows it. He has no reason to change. It's his personality. He doesn't want to be kind to you, or heal your pain with an apology. You and your daughter are going to have to cope with this somehow. Other people have already asked you to think of your daughter as she'll be hearing this at an impressionable age. Even if you separate, he'll still do it to her on days he has her. But you might mitigate the damage with reinforcing that that's why we don't live with daddy - he says unkind things and it isn't acceptable.

This is awful op.

Have you got anywhere you could go to give yourself a break and have the chance to think this over properly? It sounds like you are having difficulty in realising how unacceptable his behaviour is.

He sounds nasty and clearly thinks he can treat you like this. I’d be out of the relationship.

This is who he is and he doesn’t care to change, which means that it has gone past the ‘the convention’ as means of fixing it.

He is an abusive twat and DD being a witnesses to her mother’s abuse will harm her. What age will your DD be before he starts calling her names?

I know it's awful. But somehow if I try to leave, he will have the upper hand. If I leave he will tell my daughter that everything is falling apart because of me and blame me. It's not just the language it's the way he blames me for everything. I think he is depressed. He assumes the worst about everyone

I've decided the one thing I can definitely do is to make sure that I am always using kind and positive language. I will never resort to sweating and abuse. It says more about the person using the language than the person it is aimed at.

The prospect of leaving an abusive marriage is often terrifying - because you have been conditioned to believe you are not capable of standing on your own two feet. You are.

He will not change.

His behaviour will escalate.

You made a mistake with this one. Don't beat yourself up about it. Get help and get out.

(I have been in your shoes.)

His mother is really horrible to him and always has been. No unconditional love. Sarcastic comments. She is a narcissist. Makes ridiculous demands and tries to take the divide and conquer route with her sons and their wives. DH has been taking some sort of counselling but o don't think it's working. Well maybe it is making him feel better perhaps but outwardly he is still angry.

Op, you can't sacrifice yourself and your dd to a lifetime of abuse because you fear he will blame you for it falling apart.

Your dd will end up with a downtrodden, broken mother and an awful abusive father.
You're all she has that can change this situation for the better.

It's not an easy decision to make and my heart goes out to you but
he's a misery maker and you can't make him better or cure him.

If you stay with him, you are subjecting your child to the same treatment as his mother meted out to him.

Why do you stay @threesecrets?

It can't, surely, be love for each other as there just doesn't seem to be any.

There's compliance and tiptoeing on eggshells from you, whilst you do what you can to protect your daughter (but she's already being affected by the aggression and tension in her home).

There's anger, disrespect and dismissiveness from your husband to both of you - especially sad where your daughter is concerned as you should both (not just you) be positive role models for her.

How long will you be able to tolerate this situation you are all in? Which will be the stronger message for her, do you think?

Yours: "I've decided the one thing I can definitely do is to make sure that I am always using kind and positive language. "

His: "We still haven't discussed the time he called me and DD "deaf and congenitally stupid""

If it's a case of not knowing how you'd survive financially, maybe do some research as you'd at least know your options.

Check out your local Citizens Advice or Women's Aid (check online for contact details) and/or

Possible Benefits:
www.entitledto.co.uk

And

Child maintenance:
www.gov.uk/calculate-child-maintenance

And

Solicitor (Family Law/Relationships)
solicitors.lawsociety.org.uk/
Just put in your postcode to find a few local ones. Call and ask them for a typical quote and see if they'll give you an initial 30mins free. Or if there's someone you absolutely trust see if they can recommend a good solicitor.

Make an appointment and take as much financial information with you as you can, eg details of your/his salaries, pensions, savings, mortgage details, estimated value of house, etc. to maximise the value of your initial appointment.

DO NOT let your husband know you are making these enquiries as he's likely to make your life much more difficult in the interim.

You don't have to act on any of this information OP (though you should even "just" for your daughter's sake). But just knowing what to do when you can't take any more will help you I think.

Good luck. 🌹

Its awful and you don't have to put up with it. If I was being VERY generous I would say it is learnt behavior as his mother is similar but the key is him recognising it and wanting to change.

If he can't even have a discussion about it then you have little hope of him changing.

He won't change because he doesn't love you, or his child. He knows you won't leave and he's like his mother. You do realise personality disorders can be genetic dont you?

He will destroy your child and you. He will never get better and if counselling hasn't worked this far he will probably give up and in his mind blame you for his unhappiness.

So you will continue to do what you're doing and he will too. Your daughter will grow up hating you both - you because you didn't protect her and on some level because she's internalised what he's said about you and him because he's a nasty prick.

That is the reality of this situation.