Suffocation by being ignored

[threesecrets]

I need some help here. My DH has issues and tends to be unnecessarily Abusive with language. He does it in a sort of passive aggressive way eg if I'm cleaning the bathroom "why are you so bloody loud are you dropping bombs in there" in an angry tone. TBH that's actually nothing. He's called me stupid mummy in front of our 3 year old and much worse but don't want to bore you. The crux is, I need help raising this with him. I try to and say " I felt uncomfortable with what you said" etc and he will actually completely ignore me. He will just sit on the sofa or wherever we are and not respond. It doesn't feel like we've communicated or got anywhere. What should I say or do when he just ignores like this?

I've decided the one thing I can definitely do is to make sure that I am always using kind and positive language. I will never resort to sweating and abuse. It says more about the person using the language than the person it is aimed at.

This will not be enough for your DD if you stay. Your praise and kindness is diminished because, well mummy is stupid too. And it's getting you nowhere with your DH. Trying something different might work like "You're a nasty cunt. Change your fucking attitude or change your address."

It's not a conversation, but he's not conversing with you anyway and it may be the cold sharp shock he needs. Anyway stop being pleasant to him. It's a dangerous lesson for your DD to learn. Good luck OP.

I agree with @DioneTheDiabolist . If you really don't feel that you can or want to leave, or you think he will change, then don't for a second think that anything will get better while you're being polite and kind in response to his outbursts. Next time he says something like you're stupid, they'll him he's a fucking idiot. Point out something that he doesn't do well that you can do with your eyes closed, and tell him you think he's pathetic. Throw all the same disdain back his way. Show your daughter that you're standing up for yourself and for her, and show her how to defend herself against verbal attacks.

The problem is, most people would look at that and say that's terrible advice, and that's because it is. You really should be leaving. But if you sincerely can't or don't want to, please give as good as you get. Put him in his place and show him he can't expect to tread all over you both any more.

Your argument for staying is extremely weak. I think you should explore the real reason you won't take your daughter out of this. Is it financial? Fear of being alone?
Speaking positively, but keeping her in this atmosphere will not help her.
Please don't have any more children with him.
Have you any friends of family you can discuss this with?

Honestly why am I not leaving him.... because last week I found a piece of paper with notes about various 2 bed flats in our area. He is clearly thinking of leaving. I would much rather that he leaves.

....but he's also a coward who doesn't really act on things. He doesn't have any friends or hobbies but it's always my fault. It genuinly isn't! He just doesn't take initiative. He wants to take up canoing. I've told him that's fine but if he wants to buy a canoe he will need to sort out a roof rack etc and some sort of storage for the canoe when not being used. Because I haven't sorted this out for him, it's my fault that he doesn't have hobbies- that's his mindset.
So, if he decided to move out then that's fine, but I don't think he will.

Your life can't always be a reaction to his. If you want him to leave, can't you tell him that?

Is it because you don't want him to paint you as 'the bad guy' when he leaves? Honestly, it won't be bad if that's what you're feeling. But you know, he'll paint you as the bad guy no matter what the circumstances are. If he leaves you, he'll say it's because you're toxic.

I can't make him leave because we own the house together. Actually because he put more equity in he tells my daughter it's his house (!) but legally it isn't.
It's hard to explain what a conversation with him is like but his silence means it isn't conversational tennis at all. Last time I tried to wait for his response after a question and I wanted over 20 minutes in silence. He wants me to fill the gaps and say things that make me come across as bossy etc but he won't do anything or make decisions. I suppose it's gaslighting

There's nothing to stay for, even in the unlikely event you get him to talk and he agrees to change, it won't last more that a few days because that's not who he is.
You will still need to support your dd because he's probably going to want access and you won't be there to protect her then.

It's always hard when a relationship ends and there's inevitable heartache but in a year from now when you've got your freedom back and confidence this will feel right but it takes time and strength and I think you're brave, just don't let him talk you into what's best for him and make sure you have a good support network who know the truth and can help you emotionally.
It's about you now and dd.

Do you think he left that bit of paper with the thing about flats on deliberately for you to find? So you'd be scared he might leave and therefore change your behaviour towards him?

He sounds very emotionally illiterate. It may not be his fault, but that doesn't mean you have to stay and be trained like a dog into never challenging him (which is what he is doing by never replying to your requests to talk about his behaviour. If he never responds, you will stop asking and he will have his desired result).

OP, you say he's a victim of his mothers' abuse, well then your DD is going to be third generation. Sit with it a bit. I know it's terrifying but you're going to have to be brave for your little girl.

You're not going to be able to fix him with cheery words and reason.

You have my first LTB. At best, he doesn't like or respect you, at worse it's abuse.

This is a man who tells your three year old that you're stupid, she's stupid and that it's more his house than yours. He tells children shit like that. He's a nasty cunt, you can't be nice enough to outweigh the damage that does - that isn't how it works.

I'm sorry to be tough on you but it's so upsetting as she is so tiny and now is a chance to get out before more damage is done to her self image and self esteem.

You're doing her such a disservice by staying and I feel bad saying that because you're a victim too but you have a choice, she doesn't.

You are setting her up for a lifetime of dysfunctional relationships with men who call her names and humiliate her because she is learning that is acceptable and normal when it's neither.

You need some serious outside support with this because your plan to use positive language while he continues to be such a vile bully, bullying you AND your three year old child, is a sign of how disconnected from reality this relationship has made you.

Please, seek help for your daughters sake if not for your own.

You need to get your DD away from this or it roll ruin her. Do you want her to be in an abusive relationship when she's older because she thinks it's 'normal'?

You know how his mother was so awful and now he's like he is?

He's going to do exactly the same to your daughter. She's going to grow up a tyrant like him, or vulnerable to abuse by a tyrant like him.

Leave now ...
Do not look back
Your life will be infinitely better without him , as will your daughter's

It's hard to explain what a conversation with him is like but his silence means it isn't conversational tennis at all. Last time I tried to wait for his response after a question and I wanted over 20 minutes in silence.

Silent treatment is a classic emotional abuse tactic. He knows you desperately want a conversation in good faith and he is deliberately refusing to give you what you want. What a wanker. Honestly, don't bother falling into his trap by even trying anymore.

Read Lundy Bancroft's book "Why does he do that?". One of the emotional abuser profiles he discusses will definitely fit your OH. You'll be happer without him and so will your DD.

I've decided the one thing I can definitely do is to make sure that I am always using kind and positive language. I will never resort to sweating and abuse. It says more about the person using the language than the person it is aimed at.

It is very, very usual in an abusive relationship for the abused to hang on for dear life to the small illusion that they are a better person for being able to be 'nice'. It is SO common that almost all abused women will recognise this in some way in themselves. It is a trap because it makes you have something to feel good about yourself in a relationship where you and your feelings are otherwise almost completely unacknowleged and never validated. It is the beginning of a toxic co-dependancy.

Honestly why am I not leaving him.... because last week I found a piece of paper with notes about various 2 bed flats in our area. He is clearly thinking of leaving.

From everything you have said about him, he is classic, textbook passive-aggresive. He left this for you to find. You do not have to be passive in waiting for him leave. You can leave because YOU want to.

I know it's awful. But somehow if I try to leave, he will have the upper hand. If I leave he will tell my daughter that everything is falling apart because of me and blame me. It's not just the language it's the way he blames me for everything.

Why are you so frightened by what you think he will tell your daughter about you if you leave? Can you actually look at that 'in the face' so to speak, and see exactly why this worries you? Is this 'upper hand' that so worries you a real thing in the real world of people getting on with their lives? Or just an unreal ghoulie in your fears?

Do you think you give your daughter the right tools to deal with life if every time someone calls her or her mum an idiot (and worse) that you need to be kind and positive about it? Is this why you fear that she cannot tell right from wrong and will believe her father?

This fear that she will somehow believe him is because you are so unclear about your own boundaries. You are pushing back at your husband on his terms. You will never win. You need to find what YOU need.

Stop living in his life. Find your own.

He isn't leaving. You have to leave.

You are not protecting your daughter. Untold damage is being done to her and yet you stay like this is some sort of fucked up competition about who holds the moral high ground.

@threesecrets

I can't make him leave because we own the house together. Actually because he put more equity in he tells my daughter it's his house (!) but legally it isn't. It's hard to explain what a conversation with him is like but his silence means it isn't conversational tennis at all. Last time I tried to wait for his response after a question and I wanted over 20 minutes in silence. He wants me to fill the gaps and say things that make me come across as bossy etc but he won't do anything or make decisions. I suppose it's gaslighting

Honestly @threesecrets this man is pond life.

I mean who tells a 3 year old child, his daughter, that he owns the house.

Pathetic.

Hopefully some of the posts on here give you some sense of validation that you need to get out with your DD and leave him to it. Neither you nor your DD need scum like that.

When he stays silent for ages instead of responding to you, do you get up and walk away? Or do you ask him if he intends to say something?

Sometimes this happens with my partner. He stays silent and I get so anxious. Sometimes he looks like he's thinking the whole time, so I wait. Then he picks up his phone and starts browsing SM, so then I realise nothing was going to happen, which is depressing. If I ever say 'aren't you going to say something?', he says 'I didn't think there was anything left to say' or 'I was waiting to see if you were finished talking' - when he says the latter it's because, in his words, I don't let him get a word in edgewise. It makes me feel so confused and frustrated, because I wonder if I was rambling so much then how was it silent for half an hour?