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Original poster

WWYD - moving when my teens don't want to

26 replies

sundaysundaes · 09/08/2020 12:51

I'm really torn about this and would appreciate outside views. Im a lp, still living in what was my matrimonial home, exh left over a decade ago when dcs were young. Exh EA and has made life difficult over the years, still pays the mortgage under a court order.

Now I'm in a position where I can move to a 3 bed flat and buy it outright with no mortgage. I would be staying in the same area.

My current place has had no end of problems over the years - nightmare neighbours, mice, damp and loads of maintenance. I feel like a flat will be easier, it will end me having to be so financially reliant on exh and will be a fresh start.

The problem is, dcs don't want to move. One will be at Uni soon and the other is in yr 10.

The thing is, sooner or later I will have to move anyway. I'd like to do it ASAP. I feel so guilty though, that they don't want to WWYD?

OP posts:

beautifulxdisasters · 09/08/2020 12:58

What's their reason for not wanting to move if it's the same area? I assumed we were talking moving schools etc but it doesn't sound like it?

Sssloou · 09/08/2020 13:07

Have you spoken with them to understand their concerns and look to ways that you can address them?

I would jump at the chance - you have done all of the grunt work of raising DCs alone - time to put yourself first in a new chapter - sounds exciting and freeing.

Planterlifer · 09/08/2020 13:08

Definitely move!

pinkyredrose · 09/08/2020 13:08

It's not their choice. You're the adult.

user1493413286 · 09/08/2020 13:09

As you’re staying in the same area I’d move anyway; you’ve got valid reasons and I imagine it will be freeing to move to somewhere that is yours and nothing to do with your ex

zafferana · 09/08/2020 13:10

Just do it OP. You're the adult and it's your decision. If one is off to uni soon s/he won't have to live there long and neither will the Y10, for that matter. It's time to start afresh, free from your EA ex once and for all. If it were me, I'd say 'Sorry kids, but it's my decision. When you're the homeowner and you pay the bills, you get to decide where you live. Okay?' And let that be that.

Bargebill19 · 09/08/2020 13:11

Move. But explain to them why. Try to preempt any concerns they have - will the university student still have a room/place to come home to? Can friends still visit, Will schools have to change etc.
If all else fails - explain your bills will be less and you will have more time/energy/£ to do things as a family or help the university life !

Dragonsanddinosaurs · 09/08/2020 13:12

Them not wanting to is not a good enough reason not to do what is best for all of you. It sounds like the right decision, but at their age they don't have enough life experience to see the big picture. I'd imagine they just want to stick with what is familiar to them, however impractical that is.

nolovelost · 09/08/2020 13:12

Would he move back in or sell it? Would it make a difference if you did it up a bit? But at the end of the day it's your decision to make, and a happy mum = happy kids!

Timeforabiscuit · 09/08/2020 13:12

God no! They're of an age where they'll be flying the nest anyway, your sticking in the same area, your reasons are absolutely sound!

Definitely move.

Iloveacurry · 09/08/2020 13:16

I’d move if I was you. It’s not like you’re moving out the area and they have to change schools is it? Plus the older one is going to uni soon.

Original poster

sundaysundaes · 09/08/2020 13:50

Thanks so much for all the replies, it means a lot. It's hard because I know I'll have two unhappy teens on my hands, although hopefully they'd adapt. Their reasons for wanting to stay is mainly familiarity, they like their rooms and they've lived here so long, they're not keen to move to a smaller place. They know I don't have to move.

They'd still have a room each, it would be in the same area and no school changes or anything like that.

I do feel like I would have more energy and that this place is dragging me down. Have tried redecorating and all that but I do have some bad memories here (as well as some good ones with dc of course) and I've always felt like it's mine and exh place.

Till now I've never been in a situation where I've had to go against what dcs want, so it feels selfish, and I know moving is stressful so that will be extra hard if they don't want to. But I really want a fresh start and to move on. So grateful for MN as an outside perspective has helped!

OP posts:

Sssloou · 09/08/2020 13:55

It’s not selfish - you are moving to release the emotional and financial load so that they have a lighter happier Mum. Go for it. It will also be a good lesson for them to face their fears and learn to adapt to new environments.

Opentooffers · 09/08/2020 13:56

Just a thought but your youngest being in year 10 could mean that you can get another 2 years of saving for your next home where your ex is paying the mortgage. However, if you will be receiving some of the equity from the sale, and the flat is something that doesn't come up often in your area, I'd be tempted to move.

WiltedWillows · 09/08/2020 14:00

Move OP fresh start for you, your DC will obviously be attached to their childhood home, but this is to make your future happier!

JudyGemstone · 09/08/2020 15:27

I'd definitely move, kids like most of us are just resistant to change, it doesn't mean it won't work out for the best.

soruff · 09/08/2020 17:44

Support you and all that has been said, but if you are moving from a house to a flat, it might be more unsettling than another house.
No loft area for stuff, no garden, no shed.

user1294625849274 · 09/08/2020 17:57

Their reasons for wanting to stay is mainly familiarity, they like their rooms and they've lived here so long, they're not keen to move to a smaller place.

Not suggesting it would change their minds completely, but I suspect a key way to manage this then is to find ways to give them some control over the situation and put some effort into combining that with re-establishing familiarity and a sense of home/safety somewhere new.

Even if it's just setting up a Pinterest for them to plan their new rooms with a budget each for decorating them. Give them something that is theirs in all this and a way to be in the driving seat for it, rather than all of it being imposed with no power to influence any of it.

Change is hard, especially when you have no control over what's happening.

I don't think it's selfish to want to move and I don't think it's selfish to be the one to take the tough decision, especially given the context. However I don't think it's acceptable to tell them "I'm the adult, I decide, tough luck" without doing anything to make it more manageable for them or to give them any input on anything. They're still part of the family and it is their home too even if they're not adults. We all need to feel we have a secure base; it's natural they'd have difficult emotions about leaving the only home they've ever known.

Floralnomad · 09/08/2020 17:59

You are the adult , you pay the bills , it’s the same area just move .

user1294625849274 · 09/08/2020 17:59

The only part that gives me pause is whether a flat would genuinely be easier.

EarlGreyJenny · 09/08/2020 18:18

Having moved endlessly as a child I have this mindset of wanting my kids to stay in one place but reading your situation, I think you should go for it. They're old enough to suck up a smaller space, they won't be there for much longer, it's still their own area. Most importantly, it def sounds like the best thing for you and if it's good for you, you'll be better for them. Go for it, and I hope you are very happy

Original poster

sundaysundaes · 09/08/2020 18:33

Thanks earlgreyjenny

It's true that moving into a smaller place will definitely be harder than if we were moving to the same or bigger. They never go into the garden, and I don't enjoy gardening, my heart's just not in it. I'm hoping I can get some outside space eg a balcony when we move.

I will definitely involve them in the new place, choosing it and how they want their rooms and everything, but I know it will be hard for them to uproot from the childhood home.

OP posts:

Bananabread8 · 09/08/2020 18:58

Your child that’s going to Uni soon will they really be that bothered? Your not going far OP. They will have to get used to the idea of a new bedroom and new neighbours. I agree it’s better for you to move now.

rvby · 09/08/2020 19:03

If there was disruption to schooling or existing friendships I might have said yabu but honestly - they will get over it. You are going to have to downsize eventually anyway. And the kids will fly the nest shortly.

I also really relate to wanting to make a clean break from exh. I lived near my ex for 3 years as a convenience to him... in the end it affected my mh. Moving to a house in an area of my choice (not far at all, but a couple of neighborhoods away in an area more suited to me for various reasons) was huge. Having a garden after he had refused to allow me to grow things, being able to decorate etc. Its a huge deal.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/08/2020 19:04

Go for it. Your reasons are sound and you deserve to live somewhere you’ll feel more on top of things, that it’s truly yours and where you’ll leave the past behind and be happy.

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