Fiancé walked out on me and 11 week old baby

Hopefulmama123 · 2020-08-09T07:36:50+00:00

I really would love to talk to someone that has been through this or similar... My partner was literally my world, I thought were were perfect for each other. He was an amazing partner in life until around 6 weeks ago.. He has been progressively been feeling more and more down and become more withdrawn. Working longer hours secretly going to the pub after work and barely seeing our daughter. Things came to a head last weekend when we were meant to try and spend the day together with our son and he disappeared off for 6 hours to do one of his hobbies. I phoned and said if he could not come home ASAP apologies then to just not bother coming home for that one night, as I didn’t want him to just give me the silent treatment all day and walk on eggshells. He had a very challenging upbringing being in care and went through a lot of abuse, one of his catch phrases used to be ‘i wouldn’t Have changed anything, it’s made me who I am today’ it’s like through having our son and lockdown something has suddenly clicked in his brain. I think he is depressed but he will not admit to this. He seems mentally veer unstable and says that he has never felt more down. He has been staying with friends all week as he has no family. What do i do?! On one hand I’m so angry that he has left me, looking after a newborn can be so overwhelming as a 24/7 job, I had an emergency c sec and a few health issues and I would really appreciate some help from him. On the other hand does he just need time to have a think and then possibly return?? So I have to be kind and not put on too much pressure? Or am I just getting my hopes up for no reason? I feel so lost, this is not the life I had imagined for our family unit! Any help would be appreciated 😓

AllsortsofAwkward · 09/08/2020 08:38

Are you sure hes staying with friends?

Original poster

Hopefulmama123 · 09/08/2020 08:46

@AllsortsofAwkward

Are you sure hes staying with friends?

Yes, I have spoken to the couple and they have confirmed he is there.

OP posts:

TeddyBeans · 09/08/2020 08:54

It does sound like he's suffering from PND. Maybe a few days away will help him? Try reassuring him while he's away and see if he comes to his own conclusion that he loves and misses his family. If he comes back then you can try to work on him getting to the GP for help and if he doesn't come back then you're better off without him

My son's dad made it to just shy of 16 months. A year down the line and my son and I have never been happier. Sometimes it works out for the best to split up

Techway · 09/08/2020 09:05

Sadly I think the clue is in your post..he was your world but now you have a baby, who I assume is taking up all your time and attention PLUS you have needs now.

He may not be able to process or articulate why he feels like he does but I bet he is feeling pushed out, angry and missing the focus you had on him. It is very common for emotional unhealthy/immature men to cope badly when a baby is on the scene. They become angry/abusive or just take off...sometimes a combination of both as they can't take responsibility for their feelings or behaviour.

I am sorry but I don't think it is fixable. He is acting selfishly and focusing on himself which will understandable cause you to feel angry and resentful.

You have to prioritse yourself and your baby. Don't accept his behaviour unless he is willing to accept responsibility and make amends. Do you have family support?

Original poster

Hopefulmama123 · 09/08/2020 09:11

@Techway

Sadly I think the clue is in your post..he was your world but now you have a baby, who I assume is taking up all your time and attention PLUS you have needs now.

He may not be able to process or articulate why he feels like he does but I bet he is feeling pushed out, angry and missing the focus you had on him. It is very common for emotional unhealthy/immature men to cope badly when a baby is on the scene. They become angry/abusive or just take off...sometimes a combination of both as they can't take responsibility for their feelings or behaviour.

I am sorry but I don't think it is fixable. He is acting selfishly and focusing on himself which will understandable cause you to feel angry and resentful.

You have to prioritse yourself and your baby. Don't accept his behaviour unless he is willing to accept responsibility and make amends. Do you have family support?

Thank you for your reply.

He has been acting so selfishly, but what if he can't help it? He has been having flashbacks and nightmare about his past.

It is really starting to get me down, and I have that ache in my chest all the time. I just want things to go back to normal. He was so supportive for those first 6 weeks.

Yes I have family around to help me, thank god or I would really be falling apart

OP posts:

Shadeslayer · 09/08/2020 09:11

Is it a daughter or a son?

barely seeing our daughter

spend the day together with our son

Original poster

Hopefulmama123 · 09/08/2020 09:13

@TeddyBeans

It does sound like he's suffering from PND. Maybe a few days away will help him? Try reassuring him while he's away and see if he comes to his own conclusion that he loves and misses his family. If he comes back then you can try to work on him getting to the GP for help and if he doesn't come back then you're better off without him

My son's dad made it to just shy of 16 months. A year down the line and my son and I have never been happier. Sometimes it works out for the best to split up

He has been gone a week already. I hope to see him next week so he can see our baby.

We have only text since he has been gone as he wouldn't answer the phone.

Thank you for saying how you are happier a year on, at least that is some hope. Things should get easier day by day.

Just wish I knew if he wanted to return at some point??

OP posts:

Original poster

Hopefulmama123 · 09/08/2020 09:14

@Shadeslayer

Is it a daughter or a son?

barely seeing our daughter

spend the day together with our son

It is a daughter. It felt to personal writing daughter, so thought I would change it too son. But didn't change one.

Sorry, made some sort of sense in my head.

OP posts:

year5teacher · 09/08/2020 09:29

If he’s gone through the care system, this can be incredibly traumatic and it’s possible that he repressed a lot of the bad feelings and told himself it was ok. It could be that now he’s seeing his son be loved and cared for from birth that it’s making memories resurface for him.

I’m not trying to minimise his needs, however - and I say this in EVERY similar case - there is nothing you can do about it or to help him if he is unwilling to help himself.

You can have the most valid, important psychological problem in the world and if it’s constantly negatively impacting your loved ones (especially at a time like this) and you refuse to do anything to try and improve it, then that’s a huge issue. If he’s willing and able to recognise that his behaviour isn’t ok and he may need support to change then fine, if not then sadly you may need to put you and the baby first.

Buxx · 09/08/2020 09:37

I agree with year5 its been a triggering event for him and has probably brought to the surface a lot of supressed trauma.

In your shoes I'd probably want to bring it out into the open and tell him you recognise how hard it is for him. Knowing you acknowledge and understand might be a relief for him and encourage him to get help.

Your daughter is your main priority though, so if you have to live apart whilst he gets help might be best all round.

For what its worth I really feel for him, must be really hard to watch a loving mother and baby interact. It's a back handed complement to you too

Buxx · 09/08/2020 09:39

*compliment

SoulofanAggron · 09/08/2020 09:45

I had a friend who had a baby and it brought up all the stuff from her childhood (she was neglected/saw a lot of drama and after that was in care or fostered.) It's not uncommon apparently. It's not PND as such, or not in the way the average sufferer has it- it's brought on by what's effectively PTSD, as you say he's having nightmares etc.

Either way, he needs to see his GP. Not to do anything about it is cruel to you. And I know he's probably ill, but I would say when he gets back on form he has a lot of making up to do. Your feelings matter too.

SickOfNorthernExile · 09/08/2020 09:53

OP, both my partner and I had shitty childhoods. Having our son triggered both of us unexpectedly... I sought therapy, exDP didn’t.

I have (was undiagnosed at the time) PTSD which manifested as severe postnatal anxiety and intrusive thoughts. ExDP developed something like PND (I think) and was behaving as your partner is now. He refused to get help, which was the reason I left him. Not because he was suffering, not because he was at the pub all the time and drinking secretly and shirking his responsibilities- but because he wouldn’t even try and resolve it.

I’m sorry but if he won’t get help it’s best that it’s over. If he will- you might be able to pull your relationship around, but be ready to be very forgiving and to do some emotional heavy lifting. Probably seek therapy for yourself as you support him through it, so you don’t hold onto resentment etc.

for you. And congratulations on your baby. You’ll be okay.

Original poster

Hopefulmama123 · 09/08/2020 10:02

Thank you all, you have no idea how much this is helping me.

Over the past week there has been some progress, from not talking to me at all, to admitting he has problems. He has apologised a few times for 'making my life hell' and knows he is not the man he used to be.

He says he is petrified this is the new him. He says it was like he was looking down on his life, he knew how awful he was being but couldn't stop.

He knows he needs to sort this issue but still wants to try do it by himself?

It is so draining trying to support him at the moment, especially in this heat with a baby that doesn't want to sleep.

I just want to cry all the time.

OP posts:

Original poster

Hopefulmama123 · 09/08/2020 10:04

@SickOfNorthernExile

OP, both my partner and I had shitty childhoods. Having our son triggered both of us unexpectedly... I sought therapy, exDP didn’t.

I have (was undiagnosed at the time) PTSD which manifested as severe postnatal anxiety and intrusive thoughts. ExDP developed something like PND (I think) and was behaving as your partner is now. He refused to get help, which was the reason I left him. Not because he was suffering, not because he was at the pub all the time and drinking secretly and shirking his responsibilities- but because he wouldn’t even try and resolve it.

I’m sorry but if he won’t get help it’s best that it’s over. If he will- you might be able to pull your relationship around, but be ready to be very forgiving and to do some emotional heavy lifting. Probably seek therapy for yourself as you support him through it, so you don’t hold onto resentment etc.

for you. And congratulations on your baby. You’ll be okay.

Sorry if this is a personal question but you give you ex a chance to try and get help? If so how long did you wait?

OP posts:

year5teacher · 09/08/2020 10:06

It’s good that he’s recognised there’s an issue that needs sorting. I’d be wary of him wanting to do it by himself - why? What does he intend to do? I would say he really needs some counselling to help him through this. Very few people would be able to effectively work through potential trauma and attachment caused by going through the care system themselves without any outside input.

year5teacher · 09/08/2020 10:07

Obviously, this isn’t to say that anyone who has been in care has ongoing issues. Many don’t, but clearly he has.

Igotmyholiday · 09/08/2020 10:08

He needs professional help, you can't fix him. He needs to do it for himself. Don't let him bring you down. You concentrate on yourself and the baby, he needs to do it for himself. I used to drive my ex to counselling, turns out he went in main door then left the building when I drove away. No matter how much you want to you cant fix someone else

Original poster

Hopefulmama123 · 09/08/2020 10:08

@SoulofanAggron

I had a friend who had a baby and it brought up all the stuff from her childhood (she was neglected/saw a lot of drama and after that was in care or fostered.) It's not uncommon apparently. It's not PND as such, or not in the way the average sufferer has it- it's brought on by what's effectively PTSD, as you say he's having nightmares etc.

Either way, he needs to see his GP. Not to do anything about it is cruel to you. And I know he's probably ill, but I would say when he gets back on form he has a lot of making up to do. Your feelings matter too.

It definitely does sound like PTSD thinking about it. He actually has opened up this week that he has had councilling before. But doesn't feel like it worked. He had this when he was in the army, where he also saw some awful things.

OP posts:

Original poster

Hopefulmama123 · 09/08/2020 10:10

@year5teacher

It’s good that he’s recognised there’s an issue that needs sorting. I’d be wary of him wanting to do it by himself - why? What does he intend to do? I would say he really needs some counselling to help him through this. Very few people would be able to effectively work through potential trauma and attachment caused by going through the care system themselves without any outside input.

He just wants to bury it in his head some where and never think of it again. I agree with you that needs professional help, but ad May of you have said I cannot force this 😓

OP posts:

year5teacher · 09/08/2020 10:12

@Hopefulmama123 oh god, so he’s not even intending to do some deep soul-searching and try and work through the issues himself? I’m sorry lovely, it’s incredibly painful and only you can decide how long you’re willing to hold on for but if he will not help himself then there’s nothing you can do.

Original poster

Hopefulmama123 · 09/08/2020 10:12

@Igotmyholiday

He needs professional help, you can't fix him. He needs to do it for himself. Don't let him bring you down. You concentrate on yourself and the baby, he needs to do it for himself. I used to drive my ex to counselling, turns out he went in main door then left the building when I drove away. No matter how much you want to you cant fix someone else

I'm sorry you had to go through this. It just really really sucks that the men we love won't get the help the need.

He keeps saying ' I thought I was stronger than this'

OP posts:

Original poster

Hopefulmama123 · 09/08/2020 10:15

[quote year5teacher]@Hopefulmama123 oh god, so he’s not even intending to do some deep soul-searching and try and work through the issues himself? I’m sorry lovely, it’s incredibly painful and only you can decide how long you’re willing to hold on for but if he will not help himself then there’s nothing you can do.[/quote]
Thank you. I think deep down I knew all of this. There isn't going to be a quick fix. I just feel completely heart broken.

OP posts:

TheWildRumpyPumpus · 09/08/2020 10:18

Having my own children brought up a huge amount of previously suppressed emotional pain about having been given up for adoption and spending time in the care system myself.

I had severe PND to the point I had to spend time in psychiatric hospital - thankfully I had access to lengthy and intensive therapy which helped me process both the things I’d been bottling up and the things I’d not been aware of.

I hope your DH feels able to reach out for support and that you too have a good network around you - I know my DH found it tough going as he didn’t want people to be judgmental towards me or consider me a ‘bad Mum’, but that meant he held a lot in when he could have done with more support.

SickOfNorthernExile · 09/08/2020 10:19

@Hopefulmama123

No ofc you can ask.
I actually saw the issues coming in his case and encouraged therapy whilst I was pregnant. I think he went for... 6 sessions? Then refused to go back.

I gave him 6 months. For 6 months I looked after our son and tried to get exDP to get help. Straw that broke the camels back was when he started to gaslight me and made me think I was imagining things (eg id hallucinated him drinking whiskey from a bottle... he hadnt been drinking when he was stumbling drunk... he didn’t say xyz I’d imagined it). I was really upset by this and realised we were going to end up somewhere that wasn’t healthy for my son, so when he was 8 months old I left.

So I gave him a chance.

It was a waste of time, but I will say that I feel like I can say to my son in good conscience that i did my best to make it work and keep our family together.