Fiancé walked out on me and 11 week old baby

[Hopefulmama123]

I really would love to talk to someone that has been through this or similar...

My partner was literally my world, I thought were were perfect for each other. He was an amazing partner in life until around 6 weeks ago..

He has been progressively been feeling more and more down and become more withdrawn. Working longer hours secretly going to the pub after work and barely seeing our daughter.

Things came to a head last weekend when we were meant to try and spend the day together with our son and he disappeared off for 6 hours to do one of his hobbies. I phoned and said if he could not come home ASAP apologies then to just not bother coming home for that one night, as I didn’t want him to just give me the silent treatment all day and walk on eggshells.

He had a very challenging upbringing being in care and went through a lot of abuse, one of his catch phrases used to be ‘i wouldn’t Have changed anything, it’s made me who I am today’ it’s like through having our son and lockdown something has suddenly clicked in his brain.

I think he is depressed but he will not admit to this. He seems mentally veer unstable and says that he has never felt more down. He has been staying with friends all week as he has no family.

What do i do?! On one hand I’m so angry that he has left me, looking after a newborn can be so overwhelming as a 24/7 job, I had an emergency c sec and a few health issues and I would really appreciate some help from him. On the other hand does he just need time to have a think and then possibly return?? So I have to be kind and not put on too much pressure? Or am I just getting my hopes up for no reason?

I feel so lost, this is not the life I had imagined for our family unit! Any help would be appreciated 😓

OP this sounds like a very difficult and sad situation, for him and for you.

I'd be pushing him to go to the GP, and also to get in touch with napac.org.uk/.

I'd encourage you to be open with your family/ health professionals (including health visitor?) about what's going on, and get support for you and your baby.

You can encourage him to go to counselling, it may make you feel better to feel as though you’ve tried ‘everything’ to help him. You can say to him that you need him to help himself and not ignore the issue.

I’m worried also that you’re expending al this emotional energy on him when you have yourself and a tiny baby to look after, and it sounds like you’re taking sole responsibility for the LO. You need support and help too, do you have family or friends nearby who can give you real life support?

I relate somewhat as having DC raised some trauma for me, but I dealt with it.

I think in an ideal world he wants you to brush this back under the rug now. I am not sure you will be able to forgive him in the long term if he has no intention of helping himself

I have two friends who are single mums as their husbands, who grew up adopted, left shortly after their children were born. It is very common unfortunately.

Maybe if your fiancé knew how common it was it would help him see that he isn’t weak, but he does need help to break the link and stop the trauma passing down the generations.

Please keep encouraging him to seek help, but make your main focus your baby. You can’t fix him yourself. Sending prayers your way.

I wouldn’t give up on your relationship just yet. However I think you need to put yourself and the baby first. Whatever he is not coping with, frankly you are the priority. If he won’t make you it too, for whatever reason, you need to. The most important thing for YOU now is to feel supported, to focus on your baby, to bond well, to get a good healthy start in your journey into motherhood.

I had similar with my Ex, who became even more selfish when I was pregnant, he withdrew affection, and was a nightmare when the baby was small. Really mean and horrible. I did actually separate from him in the end, as his stress was interfering with me being a Good mother. And that had to come first.

So I don’t know how you do it - you could still say you loved your DP and you would give him time but that he has to do the heavy lifting of processing his own stuff. You need to do enough heavy lifting being a mother - and possibly this may mean he moves out or you live together but he MUST find a more constructive way of dealing with stuff.

"I wouldn’t give up on your relationship just yet. However I think you need to put yourself and the baby first. Whatever he is not coping with, frankly you are the priority. If he won’t make you it too, for whatever reason, you need to. The most important thing for YOU now is to feel supported, to focus on your baby, to bond well, to get a good healthy start in your journey into motherhood."

This. I'm sorry that your partner has had such a traumatic past but there are a couple of things that really struck me about your original post. You say he was "literally your world" but you also say you "didn’t want him to just give me the silent treatment all day and walk on eggshells." Reading between the lines, I think he has trained you to put him first in all things on the basis of his traumatic past and given you a hard time whenever you haven't done that. Actually, that was never healthy but having children has brought it to a head because someone else now has a much stronger claim on your time and attention.

When your baby is so small, your attention is naturally more or less entirely focused on her and he will be coming a very distant second. That is absolutely as it should be but he is clearly struggling with that because he has never been around healthy family dynamics. Actually, lots of men struggle with it whatever their background. By continuing to refuse to come home, he is ensuring that a lot of your emotional energy continues to be focused on him rather than on your daughter and that he continues to occupy your time and attention. It may be subconscious but that is why he is not motivated to sort himself out.

What he's done is actually appalling but he's used to you pandering to his needs and trying to make him feel better and he's making sure you continue to do that. At the moment, I don't think he has enough of an incentive to sort himself out. Just saying he can see he's behaving really badly but he can't do anything about it - sorry that's bollocks: he's choosing not to do anything about it because he knows he's got your full attention now and he's scared he'll lose it again if he starts behaving like a properly supportive husband and father.

So I think you need to get a bit tough with him now. As Icecream says, you can make clear you love him and you want him home, but you're not going to continue a pointless dialogue where he refuses to do anything about his difficulties: he needs to sort himself out - go to the GP, get some therapy and/or anti-depressants, but he cannot just continue to absent himself from family life and not expect consequences. He is damaging your relationship and there will come a point where too much damage has been done for it to recover.

@TheWildRumpyPumpus

Having my own children brought up a huge amount of previously suppressed emotional pain about having been given up for adoption and spending time in the care system myself.

I had severe PND to the point I had to spend time in psychiatric hospital - thankfully I had access to lengthy and intensive therapy which helped me process both the things I’d been bottling up and the things I’d not been aware of.

I hope your DH feels able to reach out for support and that you too have a good network around you - I know my DH found it tough going as he didn’t want people to be judgmental towards me or consider me a ‘bad Mum’, but that meant he held a lot in when he could have done with more support.

Thank you for your insight.

Did you just access this help through your go?

[quote SickOfNorthernExile]@Hopefulmama123

No ofc you can ask.
I actually saw the issues coming in his case and encouraged therapy whilst I was pregnant. I think he went for... 6 sessions? Then refused to go back.

I gave him 6 months. For 6 months I looked after our son and tried to get exDP to get help. Straw that broke the camels back was when he started to gaslight me and made me think I was imagining things (eg id hallucinated him drinking whiskey from a bottle... he hadnt been drinking when he was stumbling drunk... he didn’t say xyz I’d imagined it). I was really upset by this and realised we were going to end up somewhere that wasn’t healthy for my son, so when he was 8 months old I left.

So I gave him a chance.

It was a waste of time, but I will say that I feel like I can say to my son in good conscience that i did my best to make it work and keep our family together.[/quote]
Thank you.

I do feel a certain amount of loyalty towards him so do feel like I 'can't give up on him yet'

He honestly was the nicest man, he used to help not only me but my whole family out, we are all in a state of shock and not really sure what to do yet.

But... I do not know how much longer I can keep this level of emotion up. It is completely draining me. At some point something is going to give.

@Aknifewith16blades

OP this sounds like a very difficult and sad situation, for him and for you.

I'd be pushing him to go to the GP, and also to get in touch with napac.org.uk/.

I'd encourage you to be open with your family/ health professionals (including health visitor?) about what's going on, and get support for you and your baby.

Thank you for this.

I have been trying to keep conversations 'light' and just about our daughter when we have been texting, but this does look like a really useful website.

Is there a best way to approach him with things like this?

@year5teacher

You can encourage him to go to counselling, it may make you feel better to feel as though you’ve tried ‘everything’ to help him. You can say to him that you need him to help himself and not ignore the issue.

I’m worried also that you’re expending al this emotional energy on him when you have yourself and a tiny baby to look after, and it sounds like you’re taking sole responsibility for the LO. You need support and help too, do you have family or friends nearby who can give you real life support?

I am expending far to much energy thinking about him, I just can't seem to stop.

I am a fixer by nature he told me to stop as 'not everything can be fixed' perhaps he is right.

Something does need to give as I can't keep this up, i fee so overwhelmed. I do have support from my mum and she has been coming round most evenings to make sure I'm eating and will hold the baby for a little while I can have a break.

I was hoping over time I would almost desensitise to him and all of this. He just keeps giving me hope that things will get better.

One minute I feel I would be better off by myself and then I remember the man he was and feel like I can't give up on him yet! All I want is him back, but I suppose I need to accept that this is quite unlikely.

@peajotter

I have two friends who are single mums as their husbands, who grew up adopted, left shortly after their children were born. It is very common unfortunately.

Maybe if your fiancé knew how common it was it would help him see that he isn’t weak, but he does need help to break the link and stop the trauma passing down the generations.

Please keep encouraging him to seek help, but make your main focus your baby. You can’t fix him yourself. Sending prayers your way.

Thank you for your kind words, they really do mean a lot to me ❤️

@IceCreamSummer20

I wouldn’t give up on your relationship just yet. However I think you need to put yourself and the baby first. Whatever he is not coping with, frankly you are the priority. If he won’t make you it too, for whatever reason, you need to. The most important thing for YOU now is to feel supported, to focus on your baby, to bond well, to get a good healthy start in your journey into motherhood.

I had similar with my Ex, who became even more selfish when I was pregnant, he withdrew affection, and was a nightmare when the baby was small. Really mean and horrible. I did actually separate from him in the end, as his stress was interfering with me being a Good mother. And that had to come first.

So I don’t know how you do it - you could still say you loved your DP and you would give him time but that he has to do the heavy lifting of processing his own stuff. You need to do enough heavy lifting being a mother - and possibly this may mean he moves out or you live together but he MUST find a more constructive way of dealing with stuff.

I feel like he has taken himself away as he knows I do not like the man he has turned in to.

I ask him if he had a timeframe in which he would spend with our friends and he said 'I've not really thought about it yet'

His currently plan is just to work and work so he can't think about everything. It's crazy when I write that now.

@Dery

"I wouldn’t give up on your relationship just yet. However I think you need to put yourself and the baby first. Whatever he is not coping with, frankly you are the priority. If he won’t make you it too, for whatever reason, you need to. The most important thing for YOU now is to feel supported, to focus on your baby, to bond well, to get a good healthy start in your journey into motherhood."

This. I'm sorry that your partner has had such a traumatic past but there are a couple of things that really struck me about your original post. You say he was "literally your world" but you also say you "didn’t want him to just give me the silent treatment all day and walk on eggshells." Reading between the lines, I think he has trained you to put him first in all things on the basis of his traumatic past and given you a hard time whenever you haven't done that. Actually, that was never healthy but having children has brought it to a head because someone else now has a much stronger claim on your time and attention.

When your baby is so small, your attention is naturally more or less entirely focused on her and he will be coming a very distant second. That is absolutely as it should be but he is clearly struggling with that because he has never been around healthy family dynamics. Actually, lots of men struggle with it whatever their background. By continuing to refuse to come home, he is ensuring that a lot of your emotional energy continues to be focused on him rather than on your daughter and that he continues to occupy your time and attention. It may be subconscious but that is why he is not motivated to sort himself out.

What he's done is actually appalling but he's used to you pandering to his needs and trying to make him feel better and he's making sure you continue to do that. At the moment, I don't think he has enough of an incentive to sort himself out. Just saying he can see he's behaving really badly but he can't do anything about it - sorry that's bollocks: he's choosing not to do anything about it because he knows he's got your full attention now and he's scared he'll lose it again if he starts behaving like a properly supportive husband and father.

So I think you need to get a bit tough with him now. As Icecream says, you can make clear you love him and you want him home, but you're not going to continue a pointless dialogue where he refuses to do anything about his difficulties: he needs to sort himself out - go to the GP, get some therapy and/or anti-depressants, but he cannot just continue to absent himself from family life and not expect consequences. He is damaging your relationship and there will come a point where too much damage has been done for it to recover.

Thank you Dery.

I hadn't really thought about things this way, and thank you for your insightful response.

I think this is the way things are heading. I just know that if I am more strict and urge him to get help he will cut off all communication/ be more grumpy. I guess where I have been being supportive of him I can at least talk to him when I want.

But then I suppose that is him controlling me isn't it?!

I have not dealt with mental health issues like this before, I didn't know wether to be supportive and him know I'm there or just be a bit harsher. I was of the thinking that if he really wanted to get better then he would get help?! But know this can't always be the case?

"I have not dealt with mental health issues like this before, I didn't know wether to be supportive and him know I'm there or just be a bit harsher. I was of the thinking that if he really wanted to get better then he would get help?! But know this can't always be the case?"

A difficulty with MH issues is that the person suffering them isn't always open to doing what is necessary to alleviate the issues. But there's a reality here which is that you have a tiny baby and you need your partner and her father to be with you and the longer he is away the more destructive the effect on the relationship. He is also stealing time and emotional energy from your daughter with his behaviour. Parenting is amazing but it's also seriously tough. Is he going to bail every time things get difficult? If so, there will soon come a point when you will decide you and your DD are better off without him rather than having him come and go.

I'm not sure how often you're in touch with him. Maybe send him a message saying you love him and want to support him but you need to concentrate your emotional energy on your daughter (a) because she's a tiny baby and she needs that, and (b) because you are having to do the work of two parents since he is not there to share in the parenting. Consequently, you will only be in touch, say, twice a day (morning and evening) to remind him you love him and want him to come home but you won't be in more frequent contact than that because you don't think it's helpful to him or to you.

@dery thank you

The first couple of days he did not respond to any of my messages or calls. When he left he said he did not want to be with me any more 'as we had both changed and not compatible'

He then took this back and said it was he who was the problem. But he hasn't actually mentioned at all that he does want to get back with me.

He responds when I message him, but has not ever actually messaged me first over the last few days, so this wouldn't be a problem. Yesterday we were texting most of the day and I felt so down always looking at my phone.

Today I have not messaged him, so I think from this point on I will only message him in the evenings and give him an update on his daughter. This should take away some of the strain on my emotions.

Thank you for your advice!

@Hopefulmama123 - you're welcome: so sorry you're going through this.

And based on your updates, he's being more of a bastard about this than I had initially understood to be the case. I had imagined that he was initiating the text contact and agonising over being away from you and your DD even if he wasn't getting his act together to put it right. But it sounds like he's been letting you make the running. Tbh, I'm beginning to think you're well rid of him.

Yes, one update a day on his daughter sounds like the way to play it for now, perhaps for the coming week. And then maybe reduce it to every other day if he's still not back. He needs to see that you are withdrawing from him as a result of his behaviour. Although frankly, given your update, I'm not sure that he hasn't already done irreparable damage. If he does start wanting to come back, he's going to need to work extremely hard to prove himself to you.

@Dery he is being a bastard. Since his complete change in personality we had been arguing quite a bit. As he was never home, grumpy, withdrawn, silent treatment - I could tell he didn't want to be there.

It was like he was pushing and pushing until I asked him to leave (but only for the one night I thought) as he didn't want to look like the bad guy walking out on his newborn.

He doesn't want to come home I don't think until he is better, as the disagreements are likely to resume and he doesn't have the 'strength ' for that right now.

He doesn't want help yet, so probably not going to come home any time soon, if at all!

I need to stop chasing him don't I. Give him time and space and get on with my life, that just seems so difficult right now 😓 I need to get rid of that picture in my head of what I thought our future would be like.

Yes, he may well have - consciously or unconsciously - manipulated the situation so that you ended up asking him to go somewhere else for the night so that he can tell himself that you kicked him out rather than him choosing to leave.

Yes - just leave him to it now. You've done what you could. I suspect that if and when he does ever want to come back, you'll have decided you're happier without him - apart from anything, how can you ever trust him again if he can leave you and your tiny child when you're both at your most vulnerable and not immediately be trying to fix himself so that he can come back? He'd have to spend years making it up to you.

It's so devastating for you to have the future you imagined with him smashed to bits like this. You've been through a huge amount. You will get over it, but be gentle with yourself and make sure you take advantage of all the support that family and friends can offer you.

There is a highly effective treatment for
Ptsd called EMDR which works quickly, in a few sessions. It's not free or available through the nhs and he may still want counselling but it's a different approach to the 'go and talk about it for 5 years' one. And it works. The army use it.

How long where you together? How old are you both?

MH issues can make someone very selfish but he seems to be functioning, knowing what he wants, keen to manage people's perception of him but also going out. Some of that suggests he has just decided a baby and family life isn't for him.

If he is unwilling to seek help, despite saying he is the issue then he doesn't want this resolved. It is extremely painful for you but its fairly common for emotionally unhealthy people to be able to switch off feelings suddenly. It is because their attachment was never very deep and only functioned when their partner was serving their needs. As soon as that "supply" is switched off, which happens over time or when a new baby arrives and vives for attention they take off. To justify their leaving they start to find fault with their partner and build a narrative that the partner doesn't recognise.

If you are a fixer then your instinct will be to help him but you are a mum now and your energies have to be towards your daughter and ensuring she gets the best start in life. It is why trauma is passed on through generations as living with an emotional unhealthy partner is draining.

Pete Walker writes on the subject of CPTSD but I really wouldn't recommend you try to fix him. It is highly specialised counselling but needs the person to be very motivated. He doesn't seem to have the motivation.

It sounds like he has checked out. I hope he steps up as a father but it sounds like you got supportive family around you.

Try not to chase him, he has to come to you.

Therapy can help him but he has to choose that path for himself.

I'd detach with compassion. You can't fix him or make him someone is isn't (yet). This is a journey best taken alone. By all means be friendly and co parent but let him go and consider yourself a single mum now. It's hard but you'll be ok.