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Original poster

I'm a well-paid housekeeper for my DH

42 replies

Snaptheirfingers · 08/08/2020 19:45

He shows no interest in me. He's WFH in lockdown, I go out to work. He organises Zoom meetings so clearly needs social contact. He goes out every Saturday and Sunday for a 'proper' walk. He never asks me to accompany him or what I want to do over the weekend. Today I spent the day fixing the broken bit in the shower and laying the bricks about the new pond. I'm feeling rather lonely. He's gone off to the pub for the first time tonight with friends we both worked with. On Monday he has the day off to go for a walk with a friend who's older and has mobility issues due to MS (will they have a 'proper' walk?). We both have annual leave in September. He has gone ahead a booked a holiday without telling me. He says he's going alone. He's not having an affair. He has always had little interest in sex and is effectively impotent.
On the plus side, I am in my 60s I work part-time and I live in a nice house, which is handy when the kids come back, like they are now. I need to get my own life but after a full day at work even though it's not every day of the week I'm exhausted. I do all the shopping, cleaning, cooking, domestic admin. I'm OK during the week, it's the weekends I find hard.
He has always compartmentalised me and excluded me. He's abusive isn't he.

OP posts:
Greenbks · 08/08/2020 19:48

I’m sorry op but I’m not sure that constitutes as abusive.

Have you tried to talk to him about this, if so what have you said and how has he reacted?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/08/2020 19:59

What do you get out of this relationship now?. You still have agency here and you do not have to live like this if you so choose.

I presume he has been like this your entire marriage and particularly since your now adult children were born. How aware are your children that you are this unhappy?. And yes you are basically a well paid housekeeper and general dogsbody to this man.

LizzieMacQueen · 08/08/2020 20:00

Did he suggest you go along to the pub tonight? Surely if these are work colleagues of both of you, you should go too?

It's a sad existence yes, but abusive? Not sure. You could divorce if you're not happy.

I know a few couples where their hobbies are widely different and solo holidays (eg hillwalking, ski or tennis) are the norm but your situation sounds different. Why the no discussion before booking? Did he think you'd say he couldn't go?

backseatcookers · 08/08/2020 20:00

It's hard to tell if it's an abusive situation or not but it's definitely bloody joyless, isn't it? You sound resigned to this being the status quo, a little emotionally distant from it all as I'm sure you've become numb. But do you have fun? Do you laugh together? How did you react when he said he's booked a solo holiday? Could he tell you were upset - did you explain how hurtful a thing that is to say to your partner as if you're informing them as a courtesy rather than being a team?

It all sounds desperately unhappy to me I'm sorry OP Thanks

Craftycorvid · 08/08/2020 20:07

He’s checked out emotionally, hasn’t he? And you sound desperately lonely as well as justifiably resentful. How long has it been like this? Sometimes a pragmatic arrangement can work. For instance, you might develop friendships and interests of your own. What would stop you booking a solo holiday yourself? However, if someone’s continual non-present presence hurts, could be time to review your options. You could get some counselling for yourself to provide a sounding board that isn’t a friend or someone involved. You could also get some legal advice about where you would stand financially if you were to separate.

EggysMom · 08/08/2020 20:12

I go out to work ... I do all the shopping, cleaning, cooking, domestic admin

Stop shopping for him, cooking for him, and doing his washing. You're not in a relationship, and you're not paid to be his housekeeper.

Skyliner001 · 08/08/2020 20:14

"He's abusive isn't he?"

Erm. No. 🙄

carly2803 · 08/08/2020 20:15

stop doing everything for him

talk to him,see if you can fixit

if not - divorce him! life is too short

Skyliner001 · 08/08/2020 20:15

He sounds unpleasant and the relationship sounds sad but I don't think you can say he's abusive. Might be time to consider ending it.

Mamette · 08/08/2020 20:17

I think if the DC are grown up maybe it’s time to think about moving on.

A house is not worth the unhappiness. Are you lonelier in this “relationship” or alone, is one question.

yomellamoHelly · 08/08/2020 20:18

Take a leaf out of his book and start arranging a life / holidays / meet-ups without him.

pallisers · 08/08/2020 20:23

He isn't going to change so the way I see it you have 3 choices

  1. stay as you are. You will feel resentful and lonely but maybe the stability of your home and having your children coming back to it will compensate. You will need to compeltely change your expectations though and expect absolutely nothing from him in terms of relationship or friendship - tbh roommates are probably more inclusive of each other than he is.
  1. Leave and see what a new life on your own would be like - you might be surprised at how nice it is not living with thrwarted hopes and resentment
  1. Decide to stay in your home but lose all expectations and all trappings of a shared life. So you shop/clean/do admin only for yourself. You'll probably still do a lot of stuff (you can't exactly pay half an electricity bill) but at least you won't be doing his laundry or cooking his dinner - take a leaf from his book and just do what you want.

Since your husband has checked out, in any case you should start planning your own activities/hobbies/anything at all.

Sorry you are in this position.

Chloemol · 08/08/2020 20:30

Stop shopping, cleaning, his washing, and cooking for him

Let him do it himself. Make your own friends and do your own stuff

GilbertMarkham · 08/08/2020 20:35

The pragmatic route would be to leave him to it, develop your own separate friends, hobbies, interests, activities etc., plan your own singles or group hols, have a discrete friend with benefits (or several) if you'd like one etc.

BranchedOut · 08/08/2020 21:05

Sounds a bit like my marriage, except I don't do much housekeeping, apart from housework. He does the garden, cars etc and pays all bills.
He does his own washing and I don't cook much as I eat at work, so he tends to buy something in.

We don't have a physical relationship and rarely do stuff together.

Over time, I've just ended up doing my own thing at weekends and he does his.
Strangely, this life seems to work for both of us. Confused

Do you want to leave and do your own thing OP?

Hellothere19999 · 08/08/2020 21:08

Lol no he’s not abusive. Just a man. Why don’t you go on a solo trip? I love travelling alone, it’s very liberating.

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/08/2020 21:12

If you’re not happy you can of course leave.

It sounds like he has a full life that he enjoys and you can make the same for yourself, hobbies, interests, friends, walks etc.

Do you suggest things to do together or wait for him to involve you in his plans?

AnyFucker · 08/08/2020 21:15

You sound like you don't believe you have free will

You do

VictoriaBun · 08/08/2020 21:20

What would happen if you said ' Hang on a sec, I'll just put in my shoes ? '
Be it walk or pub, why do you have to wait to be invited ?

Flipflopsaga · 08/08/2020 21:23

What a horrid existence for you! I would find that life so sad and lonely. He is being uncaring, rude and disrespectful and quite frankly, cruel and probably controlling. Why should you tolerate this?! There are many helpful websites that can give you advice and guidance. Just search around how he is making you feel. Life really is too short to live in this drudgery! No one needs to in 2020! Put yourself first for a change. I wish you the best of luck in finding a fulfilling, happy life that you deserve!

Colourmeclear · 08/08/2020 21:24

What would happen do you think if you raised this with him? What would you like him to do? Would you like to do more things together?

dottiedodah · 08/08/2020 21:25

What makes you stay? He seems disinterested in you .Does he know how you feel though ,maybe he has got used to going it alone ? would you want to speak to him about how you feel?.You are not old and could easily get a little flat and have your own life .You are married in name only ATM!

category12 · 08/08/2020 21:33

You have to think about how you intend to spend your old age.

What happens if his health deteriorates - do you see yourself being his carer and all that entails?

I would look to leave the relationship while you're still fit and able, if that's not a future that you see for yourself.

BranchedOut · 08/08/2020 21:39

@category12

You have to think about how you intend to spend your old age.

What happens if his health deteriorates - do you see yourself being his carer and all that entails?

I would look to leave the relationship while you're still fit and able, if that's not a future that you see for yourself.

Or, you could stay, enjoy your nice house etc and then just not care for him should he need it.
Original poster
Snaptheirfingers · 08/08/2020 21:53

I think I'm feeling lonely because my usual get togethers are either not happening or only occasionally with Covid/lockdown.
BranchedOut he has liver cirrhosis and has been in the pub since 6.
DD is home now, we cook what we like, DH never cooks, never comments about food, would eat cardboard if it was served up for him.
It's harder to have separate chores when there is someone normal in the house.
VictoriaBun If he'd said he was going to the pub tonight earlier in the day I might have said I wanted to go, but he tells me just before he leaves whilst I've been laying bricks so hot, sweaty and dirty but not in a sexy way! The first pub trip in 5 months would be worthy of a mention?

OP posts:
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