Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My boyfriend doesn’t earn enough money

51 replies

Donnowhattodo · 08/08/2020 01:21

I recently divorced after being a breadwinner for couple of years, spent most of my savings and he got a good job later on but things went bad so now we are divorced.

I now have a boyfriend who is very kind and anything I could wished for apart from his earnings. It’s a long story but he lost everything from his previous marriage so he doesn’t have his own house anymore, no savings. He hasn’t got any children but raised his ex’s children for a long time and still contact them now and then. He is willing to raise my child as if his own(again). He is willing to give me all the money he earns except his car payment and other little stuff.

It sounds like a dream man (too good to be true so I feel more like he is too optimistic!? or because he can say it to look better!?because whatever left over isn’t a big money to consider!?) and I love him but his income really put me off as we won’t be able to survive (even though I have a mortgage free home and he is wishing to move in asap) as I was sick to death of being a breadwinner without any income but just spending all my lifetime savings when I was with my ex husband and I will be utterly skint in a year time. I really don’t want to suffer anymore. I know it may sound like unfair for him(?) but he will be moving into my home which will save him rent and bills but I receive very little money from my ex (under furlough scheme) that cannot even be able to cover my council tax alone. And I am not eligible to get any benefits. I am just over 50. I have never worked in the UK and English isn’t my first language. I will try to find a job but no guarantee and if we would possibly have money issue all the time, I should really reconsider.

I feel sorry for him but this is what I am facing for real at the moment. Am I too selfish and bad? I know a lot of couples are suffering because of money. Would mums regret to have met lower earning partner?

OP posts:
Lifeisconfusing · 08/08/2020 01:56

I think if you love him and he’s a good person you should stay with him. (Good men are hard to find these days) if you love each other you have to go through the good and the bad. Does he want to get a better paid job? Is he self motivated? Make sure he pays his way and respects it’s your house.

You can’t chuck love away for lack of money think of (titanic) good luck op

ReefTeeth · 08/08/2020 02:00

I disagree with pp.

It's an issue for you now, it will only fester if you don't address it.

You will end resenting your DP.

user1481840227 · 08/08/2020 02:06

I'm really confused by your post.
You have a mortgage free home. You don't get benefits, receive a small enough of money from your ex. You have never worked in the UK and say that your savings will run out next year.

You say you're going to look for a job but there's no guarantee.

You said that he's also willing to give you all of his earnings apart from his car payment etc.
So I can't understand how you would be worse off by him moving in?
What kind of situation will you be in next year if you are single?

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/08/2020 02:09

You have a mortgage free home but cannot cover your bills? With or without him? No benefits with or without him? Is that right?

If he buys his own food and pays for the extra council tax/heat etc., are you worse off?

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 08/08/2020 02:18

@user1481840227

I'm really confused by your post. You have a mortgage free home. You don't get benefits, receive a small enough of money from your ex. You have never worked in the UK and say that your savings will run out next year.

You say you're going to look for a job but there's no guarantee.

You said that he's also willing to give you all of his earnings apart from his car payment etc.
So I can't understand how you would be worse off by him moving in?
What kind of situation will you be in next year if you are single?

Yes, I’m also confused. Did you leave a bit off your thread title? Because it reads like you mean my boyfriend doesn’t earn enough money to provide for me Confused

Look, I don’t necessarily think it’s wrong to consider a partners earnings/potential earnings when deciding whether you want to commit to a relationship but you do have to be fair about it. If he (or indeed any other man) uses the same criteria to decide if you’re a long term prospect as a partner than you’re not likely to measure up either!

Yankathebear · 08/08/2020 02:23

So you want him to hand over his earnings, raise your child and you don’t work?

Sounds like you are the one looking for a free ride.

How long have you been together?

ClaryFairchild · 08/08/2020 02:40

I assume an additional adult in the house will cause your bills to increase by more than he will bring in, so the savings you have will be used up faster? No, don't let him move in.

You need to do something to bring in some income though, especially if you're not entitled to benefits. Can you sublet a room? Take in ironing? Walk dogs?

TehBewilderness · 08/08/2020 03:16

Never be in a hurry to move in together.
Focus on your needs and your child's needs. That is enough for now.

MySweatyPie · 08/08/2020 03:26

I don't understand.. if you had a job out of the UK why are you in the UK now? I hope you didn't move for him?

I'm really confused how you were the breadwinner but never worked in the UK?

Anyway he isn't that much of a catch and i would be very wary of a guy who wants to raise my child as his own. Your child has a father already.
The arrangement benefits him more than you. So far sounds like you will end up sugar mommy. If you know money caused a strain before why didnt check what his job was before getting serious?

Mintjulia · 08/08/2020 04:00

So you have a mortgage free home and are living off savings. Those savings are running out and you will need to get a job within the next year. Fair enough.

Your boyfriend is a low earner but will contribute to the household, covering his food and extra bills.

As far as I can see, you won’t be worse off. You will have companionship and someone to help raise your dc. As long as you don’t marry him, so that he has a claim on your home, I can’t see the problem, unless you expect someone to keep you so you don’t need to work.
In your circumstances, I wouldn’t move someone in while your daughter is small, regardless of financial situation.

Out of interest, if you have never worked in the UK and aren’t entitled to benefits, how will you live when you are too old to work?

katy1213 · 08/08/2020 04:06

I'm not sure I follow this but I wouldn't let any man move into my mortgage-free home unless he was bringing a lot more than this to the table. Not my idea of a dream man!

Pixxie7 · 08/08/2020 04:24

I suppose it depends on what means more to you money or your partner.
I think you are being very self obsessed and he would be better of without you.

JoJoSM2 · 08/08/2020 04:33

It sounds like you think it’s a man’s job to provide for you? Even when it’s just a boyfriend, you’d expect him to provide for you and your child?

In the English culture, you’d be expected to work and earn your own money so I’m not sure you’ll get much sympathy.

If you’re not sure about your boyfriend than either dum him or carry on dating without any additional commitments.

MySweatyPie · 08/08/2020 04:34

I don't understand this business of partnering up to help raise up your own child.. by all mean shack up with someone if you get on and they are decent but why are they even expected to be involved in bringing up your child?

If i were to become a single parent i wouldn't dream of bringing around a replacement daddy let alone move him in my and child's home when they are under 18. It's just so selfish.

overnightangel · 08/08/2020 05:01

You’re taking the piss

Mintjulia · 08/08/2020 05:01

@Mysweatypie Having been a single mum for 9 years now, there are lots of reasons to involve a new partner in raising a child.

  • the bio-parent is permanently absent
  • sharing child-raising shares the load
  • the child enjoys it
  • the partner enjoys it
  • it is more convenient for everyone
  • if people live in the same house, it’s a natural process.

It isn’t always a good idea and I haven’t moved anyone in but plenty make new families very successfully.

GreenRoads · 08/08/2020 05:10

OP, you say English isn’t your first language — are you using ‘breadwinner’ correctly? Because that implies a job, not that you spent your life savings in your last marriage. (Why?)

Is your situation that you’ve never had a UK job, but you supported your household on your savings, and now you’re embarking on cohabitation in your house with a low-income man whose salary won’t bring in enough to support you and your children?

Do you have the right to work in the UK? Why haven’t you, instead of spending your savings? Why are you even contemplating relying on a man financially?

FortunesFave · 08/08/2020 05:20

This has to be a wind up?

Bl3ss3dm0m · 08/08/2020 05:50

Blatantly place saving as I really would like to know the answers to many of the pp's questions!

Fressia123 · 08/08/2020 06:22

I'm not entirely sure the OP is using "breadwinner" appropriately. That's my best guess

Ragwort · 08/08/2020 06:41

Don't let him move in ... if you like him you can 'date' him but it is sadly a fact that many men prey on single mothers to provide them with a comfortable home .... and other benefits. Why is he so keen to move in?

Do not be in a rush to live with anyone apart from your own child.

Windmillwhirl · 08/08/2020 06:52

It sounds like you want a man that will provide for you comfortably. If that's not him, which it doesnt sound like it is, let him meet someone that isnt interested in what he earns.

Fallsballs · 08/08/2020 07:05

Ehhh don’t let him move in and the dilemma is over.

lilgreen · 08/08/2020 07:09

Sounds like he has a lot of baggage and low income you have a mortgage free home. Cynical I know but...

sammylady37 · 08/08/2020 07:18

How long are you with him? You say you’re recently divorced and now with a new boyfriend- his long, exactly? Him being keen to move in ‘asap’ and raise your child as his own are two red flags for me. As are the woe is me tales from how he ‘lost everything’ in his previous marriage.

However, you are waving some red flags yourself with your apparent attitude towards him supporting you rather than you supporting yourself.

Swipe left for the next trending thread