My boyfriend doesn’t earn enough money

[Donnowhattodo]

I recently divorced after being a breadwinner for couple of years, spent most of my savings and he got a good job later on but things went bad so now we are divorced.

I now have a boyfriend who is very kind and anything I could wished for apart from his earnings. It’s a long story but he lost everything from his previous marriage so he doesn’t have his own house anymore, no savings. He hasn’t got any children but raised his ex’s children for a long time and still contact them now and then. He is willing to raise my child as if his own(again). He is willing to give me all the money he earns except his car payment and other little stuff.

It sounds like a dream man (too good to be true so I feel more like he is too optimistic!? or because he can say it to look better!?because whatever left over isn’t a big money to consider!?) and I love him but his income really put me off as we won’t be able to survive (even though I have a mortgage free home and he is wishing to move in asap) as I was sick to death of being a breadwinner without any income but just spending all my lifetime savings when I was with my ex husband and I will be utterly skint in a year time. I really don’t want to suffer anymore. I know it may sound like unfair for him(?) but he will be moving into my home which will save him rent and bills but I receive very little money from my ex (under furlough scheme) that cannot even be able to cover my council tax alone. And I am not eligible to get any benefits. I am just over 50. I have never worked in the UK and English isn’t my first language. I will try to find a job but no guarantee and if we would possibly have money issue all the time, I should really reconsider.

I feel sorry for him but this is what I am facing for real at the moment. Am I too selfish and bad? I know a lot of couples are suffering because of money. Would mums regret to have met lower earning partner?

when i met my boyfriend he worked in a factory for 350 euro a week, about a year later he got a better paid job, did that for a few years now he’s self employed and rich as fuck.

He sounds really nice.

I do think women need to only rely on themselves for money, so sort your own job situation out.

OP do YOU actually have a job? I'd say the fact he wants to move into your mortgage free home asap is a red flag but i wouldn't want a man to keep me.
If he's too skint for your liking get rid but support yourself

Op please come back and explain what you mean by ‘breadwinner’! I’m so confused.

@user1481840227

I'm really confused by your post. You have a mortgage free home. You don't get benefits, receive a small enough of money from your ex. You have never worked in the UK and say that your savings will run out next year.

You say you're going to look for a job but there's no guarantee.

You said that he's also willing to give you all of his earnings apart from his car payment etc.
So I can't understand how you would be worse off by him moving in?
What kind of situation will you be in next year if you are single?

This. DH was in this situation, when I met him. We survive, and he is a great step-dad to my DD. She has commented how lucky she is as she really gets on with him, unlike some of her friends. He does more for her than my XH tbh. We're pretty happy tbh. If you have earning potential, don't less this put you off.

Don't live together, keep finance separate and you don't have to worry.

If this bothers you now OP, it will bother you far more once he's living under your roof (no wonder he's so eager to move into your mortgage-free home if he's permanently skint ....)

Look! many of whom criticised my post. my ex was a money sucker. I accepted him because I loved him. He was expecting me to provide every single thing. He never wanted to work whatsoever. as soon as he got a job after 4 years of unemployment (because I urged him to get a job) he wanted to keep all his money. He also had an anger issue. I retired in mid 40 and immigrated to the UK but still on the visa. I had to give my hard-earn money away to my ex when I divorced.

if you guys never suffered from someone who didn't willing to provide for the family and domestic violence, please do not simply criticise someone who is seriously concerning for the future. I don't think people who post on here would need criticism from anyone. Everyone has their own stories.

I met a nice man after and again didn't look at how much he has got but now become serious and starting to worry about the money ( I didn't think that I should have limited to date someone who has more than me when I was dating him) and my past experience of a British man drags me negatively. I am afraid of suffering because of the money, I am afraid of having a not-successful second relationship. Probably, I didn't explain the way that I could get sympathy from you guys but the whole situation that at least moneywise, I am well off than him so far and I am afraid of going down the same old again especially in 50s. ( I am not a good learner!)

@Ragwort

Don't let him move in ... if you like him you can 'date' him but it is sadly a fact that many men prey on single mothers to provide them with a comfortable home .... and other benefits. Why is he so keen to move in?

Do not be in a rush to live with anyone apart from your own child.

That was my first thought - why is he so keen to move in? He has everything to gain - no rent/mortgage, dp who will pay bill, cook etc.

If you are in your fifties, have never worked in the UK, presumably because your visa does not permit you to work, have no entitlement to UK benefits, and don't speak English very well I can see why you are worried that your boyfriend can't support you. What visa do you have? What will you do if your visa needs to be renewed?

You either need to find a richer boyfriend or an income stream. Can you let out a spare room or two to a lodger.

Either that or I would seriously consider relocating back to your home country where you clearly had good employment prospects and an excellent income and could provide for your child and give him a good lifestyle not dependent on the earnings of random boyfriends, no matter how kind they are. I would not want to be in my fifties facing a long old age with no funds.

I'm sorry you experienced those things with your ex husband.

Have you discussed with your new partner that there won't be enough money for you to live? And what does he say to that?

So basically your current security (house etc) comes from your previous earnings, and its that on the line? I can understand you feel stung by your previous relationship. I wonder if you need to take more time to get to know him and to tell him this. Think through some different scenarios - what if you were to work part time? Could you manage? At root you need to feel a bit more certain before the disruption of him moving in

@TehBewilderness

Never be in a hurry to move in together. Focus on your needs and your child's needs. That is enough for now.

This.

I don't think he sounds like "the perfect man" - there isn't one. Being "kind" is a weak definition of perfect.

Why does this man have to move in? What's the rush, in your situation, I would not be keen on giving up my autonomy when you're saying he isn't financially stable himself.

Ok, so you have three realistic options. You could try to find a wealthy husband who will provide for you, which is not something you can realistically rely on. Making yourself totally dependent on another person is a huge risk for you and your child, and you have a lot to lose. Your boyfriend will not be able to keep you when your money runs out next year and it sounds like he just wants somewhere free to live, so option 2 is

You must generate an income for yourself in the UK. Let out a room or set up a company maybe. What did you do in your home country?

Or you can relocate to a country where you have the right to work, downsize your house and get a job.

I think you are right to be worried. Would your best option be to sell your house, return to your country, and get a job again? It sounds as if you need money, and you have no way of getting any. And this man will drain you of what you have within a year.

There's no reason you should have him move in if you're not ready to, or doesn't work for you. Both of you should benefit from moving in together, if you don't feel you will, then don't do it.

Just tell him you're not ready for such a big decision.

I think it sounds like you had a really bad experience before and are understandably worried about another man living off you. How long have you been dating this new man? You say he wants to move in as soon as possible- what’s his rush?

But does this benefit you? If you are asset rich (mortgage free house) but cash poor (no revenue stream/income, depleting savings and slim chance of getting a job?) and he has a job and can bring cash to the home - so you are both benefiting - what’s the issue?

Sounds like you might need his cash as much as he needs your home? A bit transactional? Or is it that his contribution is still not enough for you?

As long as you are not married and you have drawn up fair contributions and you keep your money separate and are ready and able to move him out quickly if needs be then do so.

But what about your child - what do they think of this man - do they want to be raised by him - or would they prefer the 100% undivided focus of their own mother after family dysfunction, DA, family break up and moving countries?

You say he doesn't earn much... what does he earn? I think that's important.

My DH was earning significantly less than me when we met, no savings, no pension, and living in an HMO. 4 years on he now is the high earner, pension almost equivalent to mine, and well on his way (as am I) to retiring at 50. Circumstances change...be with him for who he is...not for his financial standing.

I think it depends on his future potential or ambition. Staying with someone with neither can be really difficult once you have children, as you can end up with an unfair amount of responsibility.

Have I understood the situation correctly?
You own a property without a mortgage.
You do not have an income of your own.
You have used up almost all of your savings in your marriage.
You now have very little money left.

I don't quite understand
If he doesn't move in, are you able to afford all of your bills and food etc on your own?
If he does move in and gives you all of his earnings surely you are better off than you are now even though bills and food costs will go up because of him living there.

Are you trying to say that because you have used up your savings you now need to get a richer man to move in because you are struggling for money?

His situation is ;
He lives with his friend to save rent and bills. He has a very very luxury taste in many things such as car, clothes(I mean top luxury brands that general public can’t afford) he said he is single and don’t know what will happen next minute ( after seen people died from Covid-19) so “let’s treat myself” but then again, he is quite stingy(uhmm I will change this word to “saving”)of spending anything else.
Of course we have already discussed about money. He could earn double or even more than double if he changes his job but he never likes to change his job as it’s very stable but basic income and lowest position you could imagine and he wants to change his luxury car every 4 years even after moving in ( I already told him we will be struggling and he is super optimistic or doesn’t seem to bother)
If he lives on his own(let’s say same type of my house) in a rental, he would pay way more that he would give me.

I know he crushed on me from the start and loves me. I don’t know why I am still dating him and at the same time worrying about the future with him.

Stability(he doesn’t want to be moved here and there) is more than anything for him. (I want to avoid to explain. there is a deep reason for him and I understand but I kind of don’t want to take that responsibility)

Of course, for him, he could meet someone whose children are all grown up and no need to worry about any family stuff and probably he could be told that he can just pay half of the bills( yes he can do that if he wants or someone whose mind is like that)

For me, I am stuck here because I have a quite young child( cannot move outside of the country). Me and my ex are sharing the child upbringing just like other English people and he is not willing to pay any more than CMS.

I am not after being relying on only his income and I am sure I can survive without him.

I’ve got a conclusion from you guys advice. I think I should take a lot more time and get myself a job first and then should consider whether I still want to live with him or not.

Thank you for all your sincere comments.

Your update doesn’t really improve my impression.

You say he is living with his friend ‘to save rent and bills’, so he is currently sponging of his friend, and spending his money on expensive items.

He now wants to move in with you, so you then pay the bills, and look after him, and still have his money to treat himself.

He should pay half the bills wherever he lives (including where he lives now).

Definitely wait and get your life sorted out before letting him move in with you.

I already told him we will be struggling and he is super optimistic or doesn’t seem to bother

I think it is clear that you may struggle, but he will not. That is why it is never a good idea to live with someone who has a different life style and attitude toward finances than you do.