I can’t stop thinking about what my life would have been like if I didn’t meet my husband.

[WhoamI83]

15 years I wasted being abused by my husband. He has taken me as far away from myself as a person can go. I look back on myself and I’m so sad at the me I’ve lost.
I think what my life would be like, whether I could have had a nice husband and kids where we were connected and loving. I could have had a great career.

It’s done though and I can’t change what’s happened. I don’t want him to take away the rest of my future also by letting it bring me down but it’s just so awful.

I can’t believe that people like him exist and can do that to others.

I’m in a similar boat, it’s shit isn’t it? I was thinking earlier today that I don’t think I’ll ever fully get over it, so many regrets that only get worse as time goes on.

How on earth do you get over it and get back into normal society with normal chit chat knowing what we know....I really don’t know. My husband has shattered my identity, he should be in jail.

Have you left your husband WhoamI83? Are you safe? Do you have children with him?

Your future is what you make of it, and there is nothing stopping you from achieving anything you want except you. Get rid of your husband and begin again.

Im so sorry i dont know what to say. Allow yourself to grieve. Things will get better. You deserve a future.
Just take one day at a time and be glad you are not with that monster any more.
I remember when i moved into my little studio flat and even though it broke my heart that he was in our lovely home and i wasted all that time with him and was a shell of a person, i just remember walking around like "Wow! Im not being shouted at! I can do something really simple like open the cutlery drawer and not get screamed at!".
Things Get Better by Katie Piper is a really good read if that helps

I suppose we’ll never be the people we once were so it’s about beginning again and creating a new, wiser identity.

Have you actually left him OP? Do you have kids?

I have no contact with my ex whatsoever But the kids do see him so it’s all still hanging around in the shadows until one of us dies.

The only thing that cheers me up when I think similar regrets about my 11 years with abusive Ex, is randomly thinking about Nelson Mandela - how he spent 27 years in prison as a political prisoner, before then being pivotal in removing apartheid from South Africa and becoming president of the country. Randomly, that has always inspired he.

How on earth do you get over it

Therapy, self-help resources, journalling, exercise, mindfulness, etc.

You can't change the past but you have complete control over your present and your future.

You'll have learnt a great deal from your experiences and at least you definitely know what you don't want going forward. And hopefully by now you are free. It just might take some time to figure out how you want to use that freedom.

It takes time to build yourself up again, but you do need to go easy and give yourself the time and space to heal and reflect. There's no rush and you shouldn't feel under pressure to work to someone else's timeline.

Definitely start with therapy/counselling.

@anappleadaykeeps

That was one of my inspirations too!!!
The Hillsborough families spent a similar amount of time fighting for a proper inquiry. I cried when it was over and there was a massive JUSTICE banner hanging from a major public building.
Never Give Up.
We all deserve happiness and a chance to move on from abuse and trauma in whichever form it may have come.

I feel like this all the time! Apologies but I haven’t read other posts yet, I will after I’ve posted, I just had to reply to you before I changed my mind.

I’ve been married for nearly 10 years. He’s not abusive, he works hard and is a good father but I just feel dead inside. I grew up in a very cold and unloving family, and now I’ve re-created this in my marriage. We don’t even sleep in same bed. Apart from my kids I haven’t cuddled anyone for years. I feel really alone. I’m on my phone most nights like I am right now. I just have a fantasy that I married a loving man and was really happy. I’m nearly 40 and I have never been loved. I am planning to one day just leave. I need to wait till my kids have grown up.

What about you OP - any plans to aldo move on with your life?

@Name5532 I hear you loud and clear. The realisation that you married because they adored you.....but what about your feelings? My goodness a whole other thread 😊

I have left and he hasn’t seen his child for quite a while now so I don’t see him. I’m just sad for myself and for my child. Every night I have dreams about him seeking revenge on me. I also really miss the old me. The one who lived automatically, she woke up each day without thinking about what she was doing, she just lived. Now nothing is automatic.

@WhoamI83 start making changes now. Live your life and be happy x

I am glad to hear that you have left and also that he hasn’t seen his child.

Your dreams are likely one of the symptoms of the complex PTSD that you are left with after such a long term, abusive, traumatic relationship.

It’s important to grieve what you should have had and the time that has passed and to process the trauma - depression and pain is part of that journey but if you get stuck you should seek professional help.

Have you seen a GP, had any therapy or done The Freedom Programme?

Take great pride and comfort from the fact that you have given your child the best gift in life by getting them out of an abusive home.

Thanks @Sssloou I’m very happy I’m away but I feel at odds with myself. I’m not in the place I was when I met him, my identity has changed and I can feel it and see it. Which is the complex part of PTSD I think.

You've done the hardest bit by getting out of there, good for you. The rest is about healing. Give yourself time and accept whatever help is on offer ( therapy-wise).
You have the rest of your life to find a genuine love but for now, concentrate on healing yourself. All the best.

You can start to reclaim your identity little by little. Imagine it’s 1000 piece a jigsaw - start with the corner piece of what’s really you and day by day, month by month you will add to it. The new you will be different to the old younger you of 15 years ago - but the essence of you will be in there somewhere shining through.....with extra resilience and compassion. Seek lots of support to build you back up again.

Is the hardest part really leaving. I didn’t really have a lot of choice in leaving, I was going loopy. Survival took over and got me out. I’m finding this part hard. Re-living all my memories but now with real emotions and no fog, it’s chilling. It really hits home everything that has happened. The betrayal, me thinking we were working towards a team a unit and it was never going to happen. It was such a trap and it’s awful.

Yes this part is v hard and emotionally exhausting. You are processing all of the repressed feelings you endured and trying to make sense of the abuse and gaslighting. Do you have professional support to guide your through? It’s pain - but ultimately constructive, healing pain if that makes sense.....unless you are stuck really down deep for too long. How long is it since you left?

So many people don't find the strength to get out of toxic relationships, you have done well to get that far.
If you are struggling to process your experiences then maybe you might ask the dr. To give you the depression test. It's a series of questions that they score in an attempt to measure whether you have become depressed. Sometimes our experiences are so hard to process that we need a little help.
I'm not saying you are depressed, just letting you know that it's possible.

You mention cPTSD and I’m sadly familiar with that. I would say you should try to steer clear of any resource that offers mere sympathy. That alone isn’t going to help, not in the medium to long run anyway - that’s just a Pity Party. Instead you need practical tools for moving forwards and these include:

1. Healthy diet. This promotes good moods, good sleep and good energy levels. You’ll need that to...
2. Get active. Make no mistake, a good portion of people you know who obsess about running or cycling or golf or yoga or whatever, are doing that thing because it gives them a temporary lift from depression. Physical movement can give you a natural high that a fistful or Prozac would struggle to match. Rhythmic movement in particular is shown to have a similar effect as EMDR. If dancing has ever been your thing, definitely channel that.
3. Build continuous success into your life. Complete small projects and self improvements according to your interests. It could be hobbies, adult education or even reading a backlog of novels. Anything that makes you feel like you’ve ticked a box and makes you a teeny tiny % better version of you than before. Have a plan to make this flow of successes continuous and build towards ever greater momentum. This can feed off of points 1) and 2) where a healthier diet leads to x amount of weight loss then y or you build up from not being a runner to doing the 9 week Couch to 5K, then keep trying to trim that time down. You’ll know what sounds right for you. The point is to create a virtuous feedback loop where you’re constantly impressing yourself and through sheer repetition and will, instilling good habits I to your daily routine. This in turn repoints your focus to be forward looking, not backwards looking. When you’ve done that for long enough you’ll begin to feel an inner strength that you never imaged - BUT THIS IS EARNED, NOT SIMPLY ACQUIRED THROUGH TIME ALONE. You’ve got to drag your carcass out of bed each day to commit to this.

You’ll never forget your past but you have the unpleasant choice now forced upon you: you can use it as an anchor or a propeller.

On a final note, you rarely meet a strong person who had an easy past.

Best of luck to you.

I went to the gp before lockdown when I was feeling very anxious and they game me some online course to do, no medication. She said I must feel the pain and not numb it.
The anxiety is wearing off but now I do feel depleted. Now that I really know what has happened to me I’m feeling a little bogged down with the horrible things in life. The realisation is really awful, the way he destroyed me and the memories of me literally collapsing from his tirade of insults....just horrible. I need to turn it around.

I also feel sad that even though he was abusive I thought we were working towards something. We shared lots of things together, Ok so I Know now he really wasn’t invested emotionally but at the time I thought he was. I’ve lost my house, my dog it’s it’s sad.

When I was with him I was so low that I made a list of all the people who would miss me if I was gone, very small list! But I’m definitely not at that stage now! That was low!

She said I must feel the pain and not numb it.
The anxiety is wearing off but now I do feel depleted.

This is v good.

There is no healing without feeling.

You need to grieve the abuse, the manipulation, the life you thought you were having and the future life you had built into your psyche. Grief is messy, overwhelming, ugly snotty tears, screaming raging anger, deep painful hurt. But it needs to flow - to go through all 5 stages. It is exhausting physically and emotionally and that is why you need to be really gentle with yourself in these months.

Painful feelings need to be allowed to come to the surface - acknowledged, considered, expressed in whatever way you want - that’s processing. In time the frequency and intensity of these waves of hurt and anger will subside. It’s a purge and v emotionally unsettling and physically exhausting.

Journaling can help with the head stuff. Getting all of the questions on paper. But the pure physical sensations of anger, depletion, rage, sorrow, sadness need to be allowed to rise and pass through you. They are just bodily sensations - they can’t hurt you - they will subside in a hour and evening - they may come back but less in time. It’s your body doing its work. Let it.