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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Relate counsellor says my husband is emotionally abusive

72 replies

Proseccodreams · 07/08/2020 23:08

My husband and I have not been getting on for a long time now and so we have started seeing a Relate counsellor. When I had my one on one session with her and I was describing how my husband talks to me and treats me she said it was emotional abuse and she feared for my safety. I am so confused. I know I am not happy with the way he talks to me including in front of our daughter but I never felt scared before. She said that when a woman tries to leave an emotionally abusive relationship that’s when they’re at the most risk. Is there any way she’s got it wrong, does it have to be the end of the line for us? I had hoped we could work it through but she is adamant things are unlikely to change

OP posts:

Original poster

Proseccodreams · 09/08/2020 09:23

I think I will have a new way of dealing with him while I get stuff sorted and do some research. I won’t tolerate him talking down to me especially in front of my daughter, and if he starts getting argumentative with me or angry I’m not going to get into it with him, I’ll just walk away. At least that protects my sanity in the meantime

Thank you everyone x

OP posts:

Treacletoots · 09/08/2020 09:23

You're absolutely spot on OP. If you told him you wanted to leave he would likely promise the world and it would last a very short amount of time before reverting back. My exH could barely manage an hour.

He sounds almost identical to my exH. It starts with the subtle digs, undermining comments, selfishness, etc but thankfully I stopped it there and kicked him out.

Luckily, emotional abusive is now illegal and you have the law on your side, which I didn't at the time, he and his friends just thought I was the asshole and he was a perfect husband . Confide in friends, and speak to the police. It may seem like a big step but it is for your own safety.

He behaves in this way because, like you said, he doesn't like you. You can't move on from that. A relationship is supposed to improve both your lives from being in it. What else does he bring to the relationship that makes you want to stay in it. I think you'll find very little.

Please don't expose your DD to this image of what a relationship is, do this for her if you can't find the strength yet to do it for yourself. Get pissed off, you don't deserve to be treated in such an unkind way, you DO matter, you ARE NOT stupid. Show him by removing him and his nasty self from your life.

The feeling of relief when you finally get them out of your life is the best feeling on earth.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/08/2020 09:23

I mean both parties together...

Original poster

Proseccodreams · 09/08/2020 09:25

I think she is refusing to counsel us as a couple further she has said she will see me but won’t go any further with us both. Not sure how to explain that to him. Maybe say I need a break from counselling and he’s not fussed anyway just don’t want him to ask more questions about what we discussed

OP posts:

WhoamI83 · 09/08/2020 09:25

Everything you say sounds like emotional abuse. I don’t have the best past experience to go on but I’m sure people who genuinely love each other don’t want to put each other down, they should help build each other up as a team. They certainly shouldn’t do it in front of the children, they are innocent and as a good parent you’d want the best for them. If you genuinely fall out of love for the other partner then most people would still love there children enough to see them as separate to this. Controlling people do not. They see everyone as possessions. Mine tried to get his child on his side so that they both would hate me and continue the abuse.

Can I ask what do you get out of your relationship? Are your needs being met? I was asked this over a year ago and my answers were, Nothing and I have no needs!
See if you can look past all the fog and confusion and really answers those questions to yourself. We have one life and with children it is our responsibility to make sure that we give them the best start to life we can. Are your children in a family that they will flourish in, will they have a strong role model in their mum or is she tired and anxious. What will their father be teaching them about adulthood?

AnotherEmma · 09/08/2020 09:32

"I also don’t think a counsellor should tell you there is abuse. But where abuse is suspected, a relationship counsellor should refuse to counsel both parties."

Of course a counsellor should say that they think it's abuse! They can't just refuse to help without explaining why and signposting to other help.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/08/2020 09:32

@Proseccodreams

I don’t think you should be dealing with it at all. The counsellor imo should be coming up with a plausible excuse which will protect you and not raise his suspicions. That what they’re paid to do. Have you asked her to do this? Not that I think you should have to ask...

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/08/2020 09:35

AnotherEmma
I get what you’re saying. But they aren’t qualified and can get it very wrong, especially if a client is manipulative and charming. Expressing concern. Discussing the signs. Informing. Signposting. Absolutely.

Original poster

Proseccodreams · 09/08/2020 13:27

No I haven’t asked her. I will do now though

OP posts:

FinallyHere · 09/08/2020 13:41

Some links that might be useful

https://www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

https://www.womensaid.org.uk

Everything we read confirms that counselling is not appropriate when abuse is present. Continue by yourself, say you are the one who needs it. Look up grey rock til you can get out

All the very best.

Dery · 09/08/2020 13:51

Sounds like your counsellor is right and she is also right that you should not have shared counselling with him because there is abuse (it's contraindicated in abusive relationships). I think the fact she is saying she is scared for you is really significant.

Another helpful book is "The Mind of the Intimate Male Abuser: How He Gets Into Her Head". You might find that quite eye-opening. The author - who has worked with abusive men and their spouses for decades - is also very clear in his belief that all abusive men are capable of physical violence. If they haven't used it yet, it's generally because they haven't felt they needed to do so. This is why you have to be very careful around your plans to leave.

Also, while emotional and psychological violence can't kill you they are also extremely damaging to the victim. So he is already inflicting violence on you even if it is not physical.

Fightingback16 · 09/08/2020 14:44

Why aren’t counsellors educated in abuse and have a set routine they follow if they suspect? Eg advice they can give. Sounds like the perfect place to sniff our abuse!

JudyGemstone · 09/08/2020 15:19

Counsellor here. My master's dissertation was on emotionally abusive relationships and themes of power and control so I'm very knowledgeable in this area, however it's true that some aren't. Same as some social workers/police officers/GPs etc aren't.

This one however sounds spot on. Absolutely don't carry on as a couple but see her alone if you can.

Original poster

Proseccodreams · 11/08/2020 08:04

The counsellor must have set days she works. I’ve emailed her to discuss a reason I can give husband for cancelling on Sunday and she hasn’t come back to me yet. Think I’ll just have to say she’s ill this week and has cancelled?
Then hopefully she’ll come back to me with a better reason for going forward

OP posts:

SoulofanAggron · 11/08/2020 09:42

I'd be wary of what the counsellor said as they don't always get it right.

@PeppersYellow With all the names etc he's calling OP, it is objectively, factually abuse.

@Proseccodreams I agree with doing a flit. Better safe than sorry. xxx

neonjumper · 13/08/2020 12:44

@Proseccodreams

The counsellor must have set days she works. I’ve emailed her to discuss a reason I can give husband for cancelling on Sunday and she hasn’t come back to me yet. Think I’ll just have to say she’s ill this week and has cancelled? Then hopefully she’ll come back to me with a better reason for going forward

Counsellors work within boundaries . Your counsellor will not come back to you with a reason to cancel... this will have to come from you otherwise the agenda becomes your counsellor's.

Bunnymumy · 13/08/2020 13:03

The very fact that you need to think of some excuse to continue to see the councillor without some excuse, highlights that he is abusive.

'The councillor wants to see me alone fie the next few weeks should be enough. But it wont be. Because he will be paranoid that she is telling you what he is. That she is onto him. And she is.

Things you are mentioning op, like how he would do a 180 after agreeing to things...thars really common in abusers. Gets to the point where you know they are going to change their mind about things at the last minute, when it will cause you the most problems.

And like you say, you feel he doesn't like you. It's because he doesn't like you. He resents you and views you with contempt. That is not love. Its hate. And that is not your fault - abusers always grow to resent and hate their partners.

I suggest watching some videos from melanie tonia Evans on narcissists (youtube). But dont let him see them or, ever use the word narcissist around him.

The quicker you can get away the better. Thibk of your wee girl. You don't want her to think it is ok for women to be treated this way and they should just excuse it.

AugustBreeze · 13/08/2020 19:35

@neonjumper so don't counsellors have a safeguarding responsibility? Genuine question.

AugustBreeze · 13/08/2020 19:37

And she'll surely have a safe way of "phrasing it" if asked directly by an abusive partner.

neonjumper · 13/08/2020 21:42

[quote AugustBreeze]@neonjumper so don't counsellors have a safeguarding responsibility? Genuine question.[/quote]
Yes they do. This would possibly involve signposting the OP to service providers that could help.
If a counsellor starts to make excuses for clients, the focus comes away from the OP making decisions for themselves. The OP should be leading the decision making , the OP should be at the centre of this.

Original poster

Proseccodreams · 18/10/2020 22:57

@Anniegetyourgun

I don't believe XH meant most of what he said maliciously, he too was "a bit messed up inside" (knowing his father I can see where it came from), but that didn't make it any easier to live with, nor did it make it any more possible to overcome than someone who is deliberately being unpleasant for whatever reason. In the end you just have to ask yourself whether you can or should continue to live with this. It took over 20 years for me to answer that question and get the heck out of there. My mental health will never be quite the same but at least I'm enjoying life a whole lot better, and youngest DC, now an adult, is recovering. Just because the abuse (whether deliberate or not) is not aimed at them doesn't mean it doesn't harm your children.

@Anniegetyourgun how did you leave? Did you tell him to his face or did you leave first and then tell him?

OP posts:

Anniegetyourgun · 21/10/2020 19:33

Sorry @Proseccodreams, I didn't see this post the other day. If it's not too late to be helpful: I told him. I didn't have to do a midnight flit because he was not a dangerous man. I got a solicitor to write to him requesting a divorce. He sent a rather rude reply back, and got a stamp off me to send it! Then we spent about another two years under the same roof until the divorce was finalised and the house sold. It wasn't a fun time, but I was not in any physical danger. He played all the old tricks, but as I could see them for what they were they didn't have anything like the same impact. My sister dragged me off for a holiday when I was at a particularly low ebb, helped me formulate the leaving plan, and coached me in the strategic use of the word "Whatever!". It drove XH mad, or should I say madder than usual, when he came out with some remark that should have had me in tears and I just sneered a bit.

I wasn't going to leave until it was all done because of the financial situation - I was the sole earner but not a high one, and couldn't imagine affording rent on top of bills, plus would not have been able to take the DC for more reasons than one, so I just stuck it out until the house was sold. I don't particularly recommend this as an approach. It's just what I believed I had to do at the time. It wouldn't work for everyone and it certainly won't work with a man who is capable of hurting you.

Hope you're bearing up and keeping cheerful.

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