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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Relate counsellor says my husband is emotionally abusive

72 replies

Proseccodreams · 07/08/2020 23:08

My husband and I have not been getting on for a long time now and so we have started seeing a Relate counsellor. When I had my one on one session with her and I was describing how my husband talks to me and treats me she said it was emotional abuse and she feared for my safety. I am so confused. I know I am not happy with the way he talks to me including in front of our daughter but I never felt scared before. She said that when a woman tries to leave an emotionally abusive relationship that’s when they’re at the most risk. Is there any way she’s got it wrong, does it have to be the end of the line for us? I had hoped we could work it through but she is adamant things are unlikely to change

OP posts:
Windmillwhirl · 09/08/2020 03:28

He does not want you going to Relate because he knows he is abusive and your counsellor will make you aware of that.

Read up on emotional/psychological abuse. Your counsellor is correct.

Anniegetyourgun · 09/08/2020 05:44

I don't believe XH meant most of what he said maliciously, he too was "a bit messed up inside" (knowing his father I can see where it came from), but that didn't make it any easier to live with, nor did it make it any more possible to overcome than someone who is deliberately being unpleasant for whatever reason. In the end you just have to ask yourself whether you can or should continue to live with this. It took over 20 years for me to answer that question and get the heck out of there. My mental health will never be quite the same but at least I'm enjoying life a whole lot better, and youngest DC, now an adult, is recovering. Just because the abuse (whether deliberate or not) is not aimed at them doesn't mean it doesn't harm your children.

Original poster
Proseccodreams · 09/08/2020 07:57

This really resonates with me. You all have made such valid points. I think I know what I need to do I just need to grow the balls to do it. And hope he doesn’t “turn” as the counsellor warned. Though I guess an amicable split will be out of the question. The most important thing in the world to me is my daughter, she’s all that matters x

OP posts:
InsaneInTheViralMembrane · 09/08/2020 08:04

Would he call his boss a dummy? Stupid and worthless? No, it’s directed at you.

My EX husband used to hurl abuse at me - and scream in my face “have I ever hit you? HAVE I?”.

They really don’t see it as abuse unless you’re black and blue.

Women’s aid were concerned enough to encourage me to do a “flit” which I didn’t in the end due to loose lips and he found out I was planning to leave...

5 years on and I’m still getting solicitor’s letters refuting abuse. 🙄

I tried so hard to make it work. Suggested counselling and thought if I could be “better”, he would too.

I’m so happy now and this lockdown has magnified just how awful it would’ve been stuck in with me.

The final nail in the coffin for me was him berating me for 2 hours in the car as my 3 year old asked him why he was saying such horrible things to mummy.

InsaneInTheViralMembrane · 09/08/2020 08:05

Stuck in with HIM FFS! 😂 although it’s not been a walk in the park me being with me either!

AnotherEmma · 09/08/2020 08:07

OP, I think you're lucky that you got a good Relate counsellor who was able to identify the abuse, many don't.

If your husband is not keen on the counselling it would be a good excuse to stop. There is no point getting couple's counselling with an abuser. However, it would be very helpful to get counselling on your own if you can.

You don't have to leave him immediately based on one counselling session, you most probably need some time to read and think. If you are doubting whether he is really abusive, you might find this article helpful: www.healthline.com/health/signs-of-mental-abuse
PPs have already recommended "why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft, you can read an extract here.

Definitely talk to someone in real life, a trusted friend or family member, and ideally counsellor too.

If and when you feel ready to start thinking about leaving, you can get advice and support from the National DV helpline (08082000247) and/or your local Women's Aid: www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

fabulous40s · 09/08/2020 08:15

The litmus test - would you want this relationship for your own daughter?

lottiegarbanzo · 09/08/2020 08:27

Your H is showing his contempt for you, loud and clear.

Don't make the mistake of thinking that because he is 'a little bit messed up inside', it's your duty to fix him. Aside from his pre-existing issues not being your responsibility and you not being a psychologist or counsellor, you can't help him, because he doesn't respect you, so won't listen to you.

lottiegarbanzo · 09/08/2020 08:29

Do you think your H loves you, wants to make your life better and wishes you well in life?

That would be the bare minimum for any relationship.

Why tie yourself to someone who despises you and wants to make your life worse?

Original poster
Proseccodreams · 09/08/2020 08:38

I don’t know, he says he loves me but I’m pretty sure he doesn’t like me. He definitely doesn’t respect me..
The counsellor encouraged me to do a flit. Do I really need to do that though, can I not just end it normally. I can’t imagine it would go smooth but a flit just seems so extreme

OP posts:
SteelyPanther · 09/08/2020 08:41

Please tell some friends or family, so that you have support and can be safe.
What you have to remember is that this is about you and your daughter, not him.
Would you want your daughter to be treated this way in her relationships, as she is learning from your situation that this is how relationships are ?
And do you want to live like this for the rest of your life ?

Imagine yourself in 5, 10, 20 years time and think about how you want to be living.

Original poster
Proseccodreams · 09/08/2020 08:44

No I absolutely would not want this for my diabetes and I don’t want her growing up thinking this is ok. I wish he could see it

OP posts:
Original poster
Proseccodreams · 09/08/2020 08:45

Diabetes?! Autocorrect that was meant to be daughter

OP posts:
SteelyPanther · 09/08/2020 08:46

I think you need to consider your options.
Speak to a family solicitor ASAP about what you can expect. Gather some info before that chat such as do you both have private pensions, do you own your house and is your name on the deeds, what bank accounts do you both have including personal and joint. This chat doesn’t mean you have to leave, it’s about preparing if you need it.

Have you discussed divorce with him and what did he say ?
Do you think he would prevent you taking your daughter if you felt you had to leave ?
Do you have somewhere to go if he won’t leave ?

Original poster
Proseccodreams · 09/08/2020 08:53

I have discussed divorce with him and he was accepting of it at the time cos he’s unhappy he doesn’t think I’m supportive. But I do feel that if I did say that’s it it’s over, he would at some point do a 180 and want to try make it work. But I think it would only be temporary....

OP posts:
Techway · 09/08/2020 08:53

Abuse is about control and name calling is designed to make your self esteem collapse. When you feel weak you are more easily controlled.

SteelyPanther · 09/08/2020 08:54

@Proseccodreams

Honestly I think they see changes in me. A lot of friends have backed off. My friends don’t seem to warm to him but he can be shy, he doesn’t try particularly with them most of the time and says I have made him lose his confidence .....
I would worry that this is him actually manipulating the situation and separating you from your friends. Can you not see them without him, to maintain the bond for the future ? Do you have and see your own family ? What do they think of him ? Family are often the best ones at judging.
Original poster
Proseccodreams · 09/08/2020 08:54

That’s the bit that scares me. I don’t think he’d stop me taking my daughter, I’d have to go to my mums if he wouldnt leave

OP posts:
Original poster
Proseccodreams · 09/08/2020 08:56

I do see my friends on my own, but for that he says I don’t include him and live the life of a single woman which is absolutely not true. My sister wants me to get out and she doesn’t even know what the counsellor said. My mum tries her best but I think she worries I’m not happy

OP posts:
SteelyPanther · 09/08/2020 09:00

Ah yes, the promises to make changes.
I’ve heard that one before too.

I have had my own troubles too but we’re still together, for now. It’s easier to stay.
He promised to make changes but never has. Now I don’t ever expect him to change, so I either put up or end it. I’m still wavering.
I know I should make changes too but, quite frankly, I don’t want to. I’m happy to split and be myself, by myself.

SteelyPanther · 09/08/2020 09:05

I often think it’s hard to see yourself when you’re in the middle of it.
If your family are concerned then I would take that as a red flag.

If I were you I would have that first fact finding chat with a solicitor, then think about what you want to do - stay together or split.
If you ask him to split do you want to try again if he offers to ?
Good luck with whatever you choose to do 💐

BlingLoving · 09/08/2020 09:08

I suspect if you spoke to family and friends they would not be surprised. Sounds like your mum and sister are already concerned. I think when a woman changes completely after she starts a relationship, reducescontact with others etc, people.notice and suspect why. Less I formed people may kot realise its abuse as such but even the will know it's because of your dh.

Tell people. Think about your next steps.

AnotherEmma · 09/08/2020 09:10

If you want legal advice, Rights of Women is a good starting point. Lots of helpful info on their website (eg rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-information/violence-against-women-and-international-law/leaving-an-abusive-relationship-what-are-my-legal-options/) and they have a free family law helpline (rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/family-law/).

YorkshireTeaIsTheBest · 09/08/2020 09:21

@Proseccodreams

Thanks for sorting that mistake.🙂 Yes he calls me stupid and says I don’t have a brain, says I’m not good at anything. He’ll never apologise after an argument when he says nasty things to me and very rarely says anything nice to me. He calls me things like dummy mummy in front of our daughter but says I just can’t take a joke. I guess I always thought I could sort things out with him, I’m saying to him at the moment that I am not prepared to let him speak to me like he does anymore and it has to stop. The counsellor says she’s worried I’m not safe. I’ll do some reading up. I just always thought we would be able to work through it
Listen to the cousellor and do Relate alone for now. She might see you both on your own. Mine saw us together and two sessions on our own and then together twice. My then husband happened to be away one weekend and told me the "counsellor said it was no longer appropriate as I was abusive and manipulative and he couldn't help us and the appointment was cancelled" -I texted the counsellor and confirmed the appointment. I turned up he showed me a text from him saying "Yorkshire Tea says she wants to cancel the appointment as you are not a good counsellor and she doesn't trust you" -we then compared messages going back several weeks. He'd been sitting there in his sessions minimising what he did and the abuse and making out it was me. Looking back he would say things like "I don't know what the problem is with my family. I love them. I love Yorkshire Tea. But they don't like each other and I'm trapped in the middle" and so on. The reality was they were violent, called me and the children names and swore at us. Very different. The counsellor told me to be very careful. I continued with him for 6 months or longer -as it then became longer term counselling whilst I left and it was my support. He also told me -ex was dangerous. Turned out he was right. For the moment -do counselling on your own. But yes, leaving and standing up to my ex was the time he kicked off.
Mummyoflittledragon · 09/08/2020 09:23

It sounds as if you are getting a lot of contempt and anger from him. It is vile that he’s trying to get your dd on side to bully you too. If you don’t split, she may be forced to go along with it for her own protection and if she hears what he says enough times, she may believe them. You say your dd is the only one, who counts so I don’t think you can consider staying together by the sound of it. I also don’t think a counsellor should tell you there is abuse. But where abuse is suspected, a relationship counsellor should refuse to counsel both parties.

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