Can he change his drinking habits?

[Violet313]

I have 2 children, one who is 3.5 and one is 4 months old.

I’ve been with my partner for 6 years. We moved in together as soon as we found out we were expecting our first.

All I can say is the last few years have just been hard.

My partner has been a heavy drinker, when I say heavy, he doesn’t drink every night. He will only normally drink Fridays and Saturdays.
He will buy at least 8 tall cans and sometimes with that 2 or 3 bottles, never drinks spirits, only beers!

He used to try and get away with drinking on a weekday normally a Wednesday to break up the week (and sometimes he will still try) but I put a stop to that as much as I can

When he drinks, (and he drinks fast) his attitude changes
He has never ever been violent towards me or our children so I’m never in fear or anything. But it’s his personality.
He withdraws, looks as though he is staring in to space, and sometimes can’t acknowledge or keep in a conversation, it’s as if he’s in his own little world

He does take medication for some sort of anxiety to calm his mind (I have told him many times he shouldn’t drink /that we need to go to the doctors) but he won’t listen.

My 3 year old knows when he drinks he becomes a bit “strange” and she mentions it but he doesn’t say anything, in the mornings when I tell him how he has been he says he’s sorry, but he doesn’t feel he’s doing anything wrong!!

On a few occasions, he has spoken to me not nicely and can be confrontational if he feels threatened.
This was seen in front of my dad last year, and said he noticed my partner would have a drink, and then 10 minutes later have another one and took advantage of the beers.

When we go round to peoples houses or away, it’s always mostly me who has to look after my children.
Once my daughters medication was due at a set time when he was going round to my dads house for a meal where I was joining later. He “forgot”
His memory sober is terrible anyway, but when he drinks it’s worse
He just sits down with the family and I feel I’m always the one minding the children.

I do of course ask (sometimes shout) at him to help me but it’s so embarrassing and on occasion he has refused saying “he’s entertaining” but also, it’s like he can’t move when he’s had a few drinks because he must feel too drowsy! (In one way might be a blessing - who would want a drunk person to look after 2 children!)

I do love him, I do, but I for a long time almost have a bit of resentment towards him.
I feel like it's affecting my mental health too!

When I have told him in the mornings when he is sober of how he is, he just dismisses it, and whenever I try to say “ let’s go to the doctors to see what we can do” or “please cut down HOW much you drink and how fast”
And I threaten to walk out, he just tells me to stop being so silly

My dad is aware of his ways, and has said the only way he will change is if you left

But I don’t like the idea of doing this.

I feel like I’m always causing an argument between me and my partner but I don’t want to be unhappy for the rest of my life!

Sorry for the essay!

Any advice would be much appreciated

Update: he's gone to bed at 8pm this evening for me to settle the little one as he is feeling so drowsy (he blames the heat)!

He will only change when he wants to and he has got to really want to. Otherwise you will not be able to compete. If you want to put it into context work out how much money is going on alcohol instead of his family.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. Do you love this man or are you confusing that with codependency?. Codependency and alcoholism fit hand in hand. You are also further enabling him and that only gives you a false sense of control. Alcoholism is not called the family disease for nothing and your children and you are being affected markedly by his drinking. Like many posts of this type too it’s mainly about the alcoholic.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?

Your man’s primary relationship is with drink, it’s not with you or your children. Your 3 year old is already picking up on her dads drinking to excess. What do you want your children to remember the most about their childhoods, their dad being drunk whilst you remain perpetually preoccupied and otherwise wring your hands helplessly so therefore not fully emotionally available to your children?. You cannot and are indeed not protecting them or yourself from the realities of his alcoholism. You cannot even begin to help yourself or your children whilst you live under the same roof as he. He needs to be gone from your day to day lives.

Your dad is right in that you should leave him but there are no guarantees re alcoholism. Your partner here could go into lose everything and everyone around him and he could still choose to drink afterwards. You are not responsible for him or his choices and he is also showing no indications of wanting help, not that you are at all qualified to help him anyway. He does not want your support or help.

The 3cs re alcoholism are:-
You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

I would start planning your exit from this relationship before things go from bad to worse for you and your children. I would also suggest you contact Al-anon as they are very helpful to people affected by another persons drinking.

Stop threatening to walk out if you do not mean it. He will never take any threat you make to leave him seriously if you keep on with doing that.

Your dad seems supportive, how can you be further helped into leaving this drunkard?

Your dad is right although he may not change even then

The only person who can change things is you

You have a choice re this man whilst they do not. Make better choices re your lives for you and they going forward. Do not keep on saddling them with a drunkard for a dad because they will not say thanks mum to you for doing that to them.

Your Dad is right. Listen to him and let him support you.

Your DH is an alcoholic. Call him a problem binge drinker if that feels more comfortable for you. The label doesn’t matter. AA define someone as an alcoholic when it affects the relationships around them - regardless of when, what, where, how they drink.

An alcoholic is problematic 24/7. He is either drunk, hungover or white knuckle riding plotting and waiting for the next drink - so don’t be fooled that the weekend drinking is not an issue or even that he is “sober” when you speak with him.

You would do well to educate yourself on alcoholism and get support from Al Anon.

The key things to understand are:

• that this is a progressive disease - it gets worse as time goes by - they may not end up drinking more but the impact in greater on health, job, family, finances, MH etc.

• you didn’t cause it,
• you can’t control it
• you can’t cure it

• addicts live in denial and deception.

• nothing will change until he hits his rock bottom

• with zero consequences for his behaviour, you are enabling his alcoholism because you are ahead of him making adaptations and behind him clearing up

• it will drain, drain, drain you

• your DCs will suffer more than you. They already have one parent who is not emotionally or physically present and the other parent (you) is preoccupied and drained so they are probably only getting 25% of the emotional support they need. If you leave him you can double this to 50%.....and also remove the heart breaking neglect and dismissal that your 3 year old already has sensed, absorbed, internalised.

This family set up will cause your DCs to have behavioural issues as children and chronic MH issues and adults. Google adult
children of alcoholics to see what’s in store for them. Also search for drink / alcohol related threads here and you will where this is going.

What went on in your DH life that he requires anxiety mediation? What was his upbringing like and what are his parents like?

You leaving him could be the shock he needs to hit rock bottom sooner rather than later - he may sort himself out in time (which would be great for your DCs in longer term). AA recommend a whole year sober, no relapses, before embarking on a relationship.

Don't make empty threats as that reinforced there attitude. If you say you're going to walk out do it. Get your DC and leave, not forever but it should quickly change his attitude. Unfortunately he will only change is he wants to, and it doesn't sound like he want to change at all.

In my personal experience a person will only stop drinking when they want to. I spent the last 20 + years with an alcoholic for a father. He had a health scare 3 years ago and we all thought it was the kick he needed to stop drinking which lasted all of 5 mins. He sounds like your partner. He would go into his own little world, hardly speak or aware of what was going on. Everything revolved around the next drink. My story is a bit more positive. In March of this year he became very unwell, I ran OOH GP and basically said to my dad get in the car we're not arguing about it the GP wants to see you. He qss admitted for 3 weeks that evening. We were transferred to a&e and seen by the medics where I told them the extent of his drinking. He had been unwell leading up to this and had had a abdo scan a few weeks previous. They told him that night one more drop of alcohol will kill him. He hasn't drunk since. Nearly 6 months sober.

He can only change it if he doesn’t wants to and it doesn’t sound like he does. I think if you decide to leave you need to do it knowing that he may never change. Also are you sure it’s just alcohol? It rings alarm bells that it sounds more like drugs to me or drugs and alcohol

He has to be ready to quit completely. It sounds like he's in denial.

I speak as someone who was married to a functional alcoholic but the kids were starting to ask questions which shamed him into stopping completely.

You would be smart to listen to your father. Your partner won't even acknowledge there's a problem, therefore his chances of changing are exactly zero.

Don't raise your children like this because he will probably get worse.

Can he change his drinking habits?

In theory he could.

But does he actually show any interest in changing?

You wanting him to, isn't going to make the slightest bit of difference. Change has to come from him.

What you can change, is the life you give your children. Do you want them to grow up thinking this is normal?

Hi OP. Sorry, this sounds like a hard situation for you. I think one of the problems is that the stereotype of an alcoholic is a park bench drunk. In reality, many more alcoholics continue some level of “normal” functioning and a lot function at a relatively high level. That doesn’t mean they aren’t incredibly hard to live with. Added to this, our society is extremely accepting of heavy drinking and often doesn’t want to acknowledge when recreational drinking has tipped into problem drinking.

The reason I say all that is that if your OH is only drinking 2 nights a week, many people would accept that as ok and I think that must make it hard for you to really work out what’s going on here. He may not be physically addicted (unless he is drinking secretively-do you have any suspicions?), but there are a few alarm bells ringing from you post and it sounds like he certainly has far too much psychological attachment to alcohol. As @Sssloou says, the labels don’t really matter and his drinking is a big problem to you and, increasingly, your children.

I think your dad is spot on and he absolutely won’t change unless HE wants to. No amount of pleading, shouting or cajoling from you will change the situation.

Sadly, drink problems/alcoholism tend to get worse over time. You are obviously encountering a lot of denial when you try to talk to him about it and that is classic behaviour. You could issue an ultimatum to try to make him sit up and listen. However, ultimatums (in my view) should only be issued once and only if you really mean them, so make sure you really think carefully first and be ready to follow through with your threats if necessary.

I really wish you luck.

He. Will. Never. Change. Sorry, but that's my experience/

He can, but he won't. He won't want to. Listen to everyone else on this thread. Your 3-year-old is already learning that daddy is different when he's been drinking. At 3 years old. Let that sink in.

Do you want to condemn your children to a childhood of this? The children of alcoholics end up damaged. I know, because my two are still recovering from the repercussions of what their dad did.

He has to stop drinking completely. And if he won't, you have to leave. There are no other options.

He could change but only if he wants to. You can’t make him. Sometimes ultimatums can work if the person accepts that they are losing something they care about and admit they need help. But you’ve already given him ultimatums but not followed them through, so why should he bother to change!

It’s very sad but the only things are going to change is if you take control.

Your dad is right, listen to him.

Why would you subject your children to this? Your 3 year old is already being traumatised by his drinking, she has told you this.

Alcohol is more important to him than you or his children and he won't change because he doesn't think he has a problem.

Stop worrying about him and start worrying about the damage he is causing your children.

Well, your dad is no fool, that's for sure.

Theres no magic wand OP. If there were, there would be very few problem drinkers in this world. The cold hard facts are that your partner really would prefer you to shut up and let him drink, and that isn't going to change.

Up to you whether this is what you want in your life, and in your DC life.

Oh please, even if you leave he will only stop when he is ready..focus on you and what you can do not him. You get your dc out or if you arent married and its not his property kick him out.
All the threats, the pleads don't make any difference.

He can change but its up to him, i used to drink alot but honestly made me a dick when i did. now i dont drink at all and glad as dont miss or need it sadly still a dick at times. Like i started with he needs to know it's a problem and only he can change it.

My DP had a pretty severe drinking problem. He drank every day after work, usually having went for a pint at lunch time, and weekends were just constant.

It was incredibly difficult for me. I was depressed, scared (not of him) and felt totally powerless.

I was at a complete loss about how to manage it. My threats to leave didn't work, my crying, writing letters, screaming in frustration. Ultimately, the want and need to change came from him. He realised how ill he was making himself and how much his behaviour impacted on me and our happiness.

On 1st September it will be 1 year since he touched a drop and we're expecting our first baby in December.

People can change their habits, and beat addictions however it HAS to be an internal change. All the crying and moaning won't do it until the person understands themselves.

Alcoholics are for life in my experience. I had an alcoholic family member who gave up alcohol but 10 years later they started drinking again. They don’t think they have a problem.

I know two alcoholics who have managed to become long term sober. They've worked very hard to achieve this. I know of many more who have not been willing and able to do it, sadly.

Dealing with alcoholism is a lifelong process, very hard work and can only be achieved with total commitment from the alcoholic. Is that your DH?

My uncle was an alcoholic and my aunt left him when my cousin was 7 or 8. My uncle was never sober for more than a year or maybe two for the rest of his life. The emotional impact on my cousin was immense.

I'd doubt your DP will change.