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Relationships

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Original poster

I want to divorce on grounds of Adultery

41 replies

Isreeh · 07/08/2020 18:32

Hi all,

I have a question for everyone who knows the UK law. If I want to divorce my DH on the grounds of Adultery but without naming the other woman. Is that possible? I know if I name her she gets a copy of the divorce petition but I don't have her address, nor do I want her to see where I am living with my contact details.
Thanks x

OP posts:

TimelyManor · 07/08/2020 18:33

Which part of the UK are you in?

category12 · 07/08/2020 18:40

Yes, you can divorce without naming the co-respondent. In fact it's generally advised that you don't, as it makes it messier.

I would consider unreasonable behaviour as an alternative, tho - you can still include him having inappropriate relationships as one of the reasons.

category12 · 07/08/2020 19:02

The reason I suggest unreasonable behaviour as the alternative, is it's far easier to prove than adultery - if he's likely to contest the divorce at all? If you know he won't defend the divorce and will just sign it off, then fine.

Usernameisgone · 07/08/2020 19:05

You can do it without naming the other person.

Oopsiedaisyy · 07/08/2020 19:56

I got divorced, he claimed adultery and didn't name anyone as he couldn't

GeorgeTheFirst · 07/08/2020 20:07

It is possible but only if your husband will admit
the adultery

Sanch1 · 07/08/2020 20:10

And you have to petition within 6 months of finding out. I wanted to divorce for adultery but as I'd tried to make it work for a year it was too late, so I had to use unreasonable behaviour and use the adultery as one of the reasons.

spongedog · 07/08/2020 20:30

He tried to divorce me on grounds of unreasonable behaviour. There were so many lies I counter-petitioned on grounds of adultery. And that is our final divorce petition - "unnamed woman". I would not have done this had his grounds of unreasonable behaviour not been so ridiculous. I never wanted our DC to ever see such rubbish. I am of course aware that family court paperwork is private but things leak out. You can name, but are advised not to. (Shame really).

I did respond to the original petition with wording that would have allowed HIS unreasonable petition to proceed, but he, through his legal team, would not agree to any changes. So fuck that, was my response.

Ciderandskatesdontmix · 07/08/2020 20:47

I divorced on grounds of adultry. I didn't name her, but I knew he wouldn't contest the divorce as he was desperate for it to go through as he had managed to get the OW pregnant within a month of walking out 🙄. As pp have said, if he won't contest the petition then go for it, otherwise just go for unreasonable behaviour.

Dery · 07/08/2020 21:03

"I know if I name her she gets a copy of the divorce petition but I don't have her address, nor do I want her to see where I am living with my contact details."

Just on the last part, if you don't want other people to see your address, I'm pretty sure there is a separate form which you can complete separately so that the court has your address but the other parties don't.

Original poster

Isreeh · 07/08/2020 21:36

Thanks all, I’m in London and he admitted the adultery in March last year but they continued with their on/off relationship. I’ve threatened him divorce lots of times as he won’t break contact with her. I’ve just had enough of fighting for a man who doesn’t care much I have to try save the marriage. It’s been lost wasted time on my side. However he walked out on me in Jan 2019 and we’ve not lived together since. I moved out of his house when I found out. So it’s been a 1 year and 8 months when it all came out. Would that still count for adultery.?

Also has anyone used the free Divorce service on gov.uk Website?

OP posts:

category12 · 07/08/2020 21:41

If you separated within 6 months of the adultery, then yes, it would count - (time separated doesn't count in the 6 months limit for adultery).

I did my divorce just using the Gov UK site. We didn't have assets to speak of and sorted out the child access arrangements ourselves, so it was pretty straightforward. Court fees are £550.

Overtherainbow2020 · 07/08/2020 22:34

Yes you can, I did.

Moonflower12 · 07/08/2020 22:54

In 4 months time you can do a no- contest desertion divorce. I think they are even easier?

Original poster

Isreeh · 07/08/2020 23:04

@Moonflower12 I have considered waiting for two year separation but he gets away for how he treated me. I would rather go with adultery without naming her.

@category12 He admitted the affair in March 2019 by which time he already moved out. I guess I could give that as a compromise otherwise It would be unreasonable behaviour. Was there any help on the gov.uk Site for questions, eg if he contests anything I say?

OP posts:

millymollymoomoo · 08/08/2020 08:43

Will he admit it as grounds for divorce? If not just go for UB
No impact to settlement and no real moral High ground re divorce papers
You can for example use something like, his sexual relations with another woman you found to be unreasonable

Muppetry76 · 08/08/2020 09:41

The reason for your divorce does NOT appear on the final 'you're divorced' paperwork. It is not available to anyone - other than to prove your marriage is over.

Much as it grates (my ex got his paperwork submitted a day before me, so his 'reasons' are on the court application), the best thing to do is list a few things due to unreasonable behaviour, and include the adultery on there. From there on, it's simply a paper exercise. I appreciate that you want to make him pay, but there really is no incentive for this. It is incredibly rare for adultery or abuse to effect the financial outcome either.

category12 · 08/08/2020 09:46

I found the Gov UK site really easy and it did answer my questions, but I wouldn't say it advises per se - it mostly gives you your options and what to do next.

I would recommend unreasonable behaviour as you can include his adultery amongst the reasons and you can spend some time getting it all out while you're writing them - and then severely edit them down into single formal sentences .

Do you think he is likely to contest anything?

Original poster

Isreeh · 08/08/2020 11:45

@millymollymoomoo I think he will admit adultery if I do not name her.
@category12 yes there is that advantage with UB
@Muppetry76 I do want him to pay. He had an affair in the first year of marriage after I suffered a awful miscarriage and then blamed me for his actions. He’s never been truly sorry for any of it.

In all of this it’s a very sad state because as we all know when you marry someone it’s for love and a happy future together.

OP posts:

Muppetry76 · 08/08/2020 11:55

I do want him to pay. He had an affair in the first year of marriage after I suffered a awful miscarriage and then blamed me for his actions. He’s never been truly sorry for any of it.

I get it. I really do.

But there really is no point chasing this so it goes on the paperwork - because all the final paperwork will say is that you are divorced. Nobody, unless they are close enough to either of you to share the nitty gritty, and read all the solicitor and court correspondence, will ever know why you got divorced. Unfortunately, courts are very black and white, there is no emotion. And at the financial stage there is no advantage either, except for the most extreme of extreme cases (and 'regular' adultery isn't one).

Where you are at the moment is horrible. I know because I've been there and it's all-consuming. And it will continue to be until you can take a step back and see a bigger picture - a future without him.

The people close to you know the reasons why you're getting divorced. Even if it said in bold capitals the reason for the divorce he can still tell people his own story; the decree absolute is just a piece of paper I keep in my legal paperwork folder now.

Original poster

Isreeh · 08/08/2020 14:40

@Muppetry76 what you are saying makes a lot of sense. I guess the hardest part is the lost promised future we planned together. Once it’s final then there is no going back and trying to fix something massively broken. I didn’t get a chance to really enjoy my married life because he kept putting the OW first with all her issues. My close friends and family all know the reasons and think divorce is the right answer as I’ve been separated for 1 year and 8 months now. It’s very hard as I’m 46 and wonder if I’ll meet someone again. Thinking of a future without him is hard and sad because off the wonderful experiences we’ve shared. Life is so tough at times but I am the one holding myself back in fear. I need to find the strength to finally let go. X

OP posts:

cece · 09/08/2020 00:44

I am divorcing using unreasonable behaviour. One of those is his relationship with another woman.

TheNortherner · 09/08/2020 00:56

I offered my ex (a man) adultery or unreasonable behaviour on the grounds of having sex with men....both were true...guess which he picked

Worakls · 09/08/2020 09:11

Hi @Isreeh. I am going through similar at the moment so thought I'd share what I have learnt so far. Firstly I found about my husband's adultery in October (third time!). We separated in January, with him moving out in February. I have had my first appointment with my solicitor who confirmed as mentioned above that I can divorce in grounds of adultery because we separated within 6 months of me finding out, although I only officially filed for divorce about a month ago (the knob asked for a year before I filed so he could go to therapy and get help and prove he's changed... Found out he's on bloody tinder and every other dating app!).
Anyway, it's all underway now. I have had my first mediation session (first one is 1:1) and I thoroughly recommend it. It reassured me hugely and made me feel like this could actually work out okay. She was so balanced and supportive.
As for the paying of the initial fees, I have paid for now (you have to when you file online) but ticked the box asking for him to pay me back. I told him this and he went mental! So be prepared... His excuse is that he doesn't want to divorce, I do. He'd happily stay separated. The fact that for me the fees are a third of my monthly wage, but for him it's a day's work really angered me but I've agreed to pay half for an easy life.
I hope that helps. Feel free to ask any questions or DM me if you like x

Original poster

Isreeh · 09/08/2020 10:59

@Worakls so sorry to hear about situation. I find it a complete audacity that these men think it’s okay to have affairs. I wasted all of last year trying to resolve the issues, went to counselling, took advice from his family, friends, waited patiently for things to improve. He even took her on two holidays last year while I cried and suffered my new husband was no longer the man I married. I can’t keep waiting for him to change as that’s down to him. He’s now agreed to a divorce but I wanted to use adultery as the reason. I guess UB gives more opportunity to write the other things.

I feel for you, he’s playing you for a fool and he won’t pay his half is a joke. He’s treating you like you did something wrong. That’s like my soon to be ex husband. Thanks for the offer of personally DMing you. X

OP posts:

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