How do you split the bills in a relationship? I'm running out of money!

[Newname88]

I've lived more on my own since moving out of my parents house 12 years ago than i have with somebody so just looking to see whats normal.
Moved in with DP in Jan, i've always worked part time and received the benefits i was entitled to which meant i was living comfortably, but would have to save up to afford extras e.g birthdays/xmas etc.
Obviously since moving in together i am no longer entitled to those benefits and we split the bills 50/50 and then pay our own extra's e.g car insurance/tax, i pay the pet costs as they were my pets before we got together.
I am in my overdraft every month long before payday and am using my savings to cover me which are soon running out.
I dont buy unnessary items and i dont get my hair done/nails etc if anything the only extras i spend that i shouldnt are takeaways and days out with the DC, even if i cut back on those i would still be in my overdraft.
DP works full time and does alot of overtime too, on a good overtime month he could earn a good £500-£700 more a month but his company cut overtime since COVID and he now only earns about £200-300 more than me at the min.
He spends way more on extra's/personal stuff for himself but also spends money on us as a family etc.
What do other couples do when one earns more than the other? It's going to get to a point where i run out of savings and have nothing left!

[imissthesouth]

OP definitely don't feel ashamed for claiming tax credits.
@Drumple why shouldn't she take what she's entitled to?

[Drumple]

I didn’t say that she shouldn’t. I said it was a choice to be subsidised by the state. Which it was.

[DownstairsMixUp]

You should both end up with the same disposable when you get paid

[Drumple]

I don’t think they should end up the same because the op has a son she has to support, who isn’t her current partner’s and I think that she should pay for his costs, with a contribution from his father if she can get it.

[TheLegendOfZelda]

Chat to your partner
If you go full time he will have to pay more for childcare. He might prefer to share more of his salary with you instead of the nursery, you won't know until you talk about it
It also might be better for you to live separately and get maintenance

Why doesn't the eldest get maintenance btw? Is that fixable if you go through cms, or not possible?

[Runnerduck34]

Before we married we put a proportionate amount ( according to earnings) in a joint account. So both of you contribute the same percentage of your earnings but in monetary terms that means the higher earner puts in more cash. Once married everything just was paid in and out if joint account.
Its not fair you are in a worse financial position since he moved in, you need to have an honest discussion and tell him you are struggling , does he know how much your income has dropped since he moved in?

[wishywashywoowoo70]

[quote Newname88]@Drumple I'm not going to argue why I think I'm right to have taken them for all those years, I agree it was selfish but I have also worked since I was 17 so I am also contributing my share to the taxpayers for others in similar situations.
Some choose to not work and rely fully on benefits, I know plenty of them. And I also know plenty of couples like me who work part time and have school aged children who are entitled and claim benefits too.[/quote]
You aren't selfish at all. Don't think that

[Pumpertrumper]

This situation is pretty common.
Lots of couples with shared children will explain how they share money/combine and use joint accounts but that’s a different situation.

When there are children belonging to just one partner it gets complicated. Moving in with a child doesn’t obligate you to fund them, nor to top up the loss of benefits their parent receives. As adults entering into cohabitation the standard expectation is 50/50, some may even argue that the partner with children should pay a slightly higher percentage of utilities!
The responsibility lies with the partner with the kids, who stands to lose out, to establish, before moving in, the financial ramifications.

How this should have played out:
DP: Lets move in together!
OP: I’d love to do that but I can’t afford to take the hit and lose my benefit top ups because of your full time wage.
DP: So what do we do?
OP: Well we can either stay as we are and live separately or figure out a split to make it work. I won’t be able to afford to pay 50% though.

^The reasons this rarely happens is generally down to lack of forward planning (not realising benefits will be cut...etc) or pride in not wanting to admit they can’t afford to move in.

I never quite understand the derogatory comments about DP’s who don’t want to pay more than 50% to finance another adult and somebody else’s children.

[Pumpertrumper]

@Drumple

No shame at all in claiming benefits you are entitled to! Just maybe clearer, more upfront communication of what you need from DP in future. Xx

[BrieAndChilli]

This is why of me and DH split I wouldn’t move in with anyone else until kids are grown up. It’s just too complicated.

Me and DH have always had a joint pot since we moved intogether. Originally we earnt similar and then with kids I went on maternity and have been part time ever since as we jointly decided that was what was best for our family.
All bills, spending come out of the same account. Otherwise you end up with the woman by default paying for all the kids stuff while the man just spends his surplus on what he wants.

It’s more complicated with a blended family and in my opinion you should only move in with someone if they are 100% happy to join finances and subsidise your kids. Otherwise it just leads to situations like this and resentment. The man will have reduced his costs by moving in with you (only paying half of council tax, rent/mortgage, utilities, sky/internet etc) whereas normally the woman will lose benefits etc

[ThinkPinkStink]

We split proportionally to our salaries and have the same spending budget (I earn 2x the amount DH does).

Then we each put 50% of whatever is left in joint savings, and 50% in our own personal savings.

So day -to-day we live the same lifestyle, we have shared savings we have equal access to. But I have more personal savings.

It may not be standard, but it works for us.

[caringcarer]

We both pay in £1k into joint account on 1st month. That pays mortgage, gas, electricity, water, council tax, Virgin media package with sport, movies and internet, net flix, food, TV licence, pet, child activities and any other joint purchases like meals out together. Other money goes into joint account account from b2ls and 2 adult sons living at home pay in money too. We each have personal accounts and pay for mobiles, car tax, insurance, meals put with friends, clothes, treats and gifts for each other.

It sounds like you will need to up your hours of work of you are using your savings every month. Do you get child maintenance and child benefit?

[StarUtopia]

Everytime I read these posts, I can't help but think..seriously?!

Joint account. Whole lot goes in there from both of you. Doesn't matter who earns what. You're a team.

Direct debits/bills all come out of here. Food also comes out of here.

Work out what's left. Siphon some off to your savings, some off to his savings, some maybe for holidays and then the rest - split down the middle 50/50. THat's your spending money to blow on clothes and whatever else you want to do (hair, nails, bday presents etc)

Anything other than this is bullshit frankly!

[tarasmalatarocks]

I don’t blame women who work part time and get tax credits one bit if they can do it. Unless you are a pretty high earner or have a high earning partner , full time work , complicated childcare set ups and young kids is a recipe for mental health issues — and I know because I did work full time with a 13 week old , a slightly iffy nanny share plus a commute because I had to financially as we were just over the level of getting any help. Personally I think the OP was mad having another baby without making sure the father was all in in terms of joint pits if living with them, but what’s done is done I guess and hindsight’s a great thing

[tarasmalatarocks]

Joint pots of course!!

[caringcarer]

I would go back to work full time and both pay nursery fees between you. If you earn Nealy as much as do with part time your job sounds like higher earning potential.

[caringcarer]

You should also make 13 year old father pay for his child. Why are you not getting maintenance?

[Notmyusualnamenosiree]

I always wonder if the people who are so adamant about joint accounts earn more, less or equivalent to their partners.

I earn more than my husband. I have my own savings, as does he. Sure we also have shared savings and pay the same % of our different wages into the household.

[Annabellerina]

The reason top up benefits exist at all are because it is widely acknowledged that full time work + full time/majority responsibility for child(ren) + childcare issues + commute + household responsibilities + whatever else is going on in your life = total fucking nervous breakdown

[Embracelife]

The childcare for the shared dc comes out of both your incomes.
Work full time

[giggly]

@Annabellerina if your reasoning for working part time and claiming top up benefits were true surely they’d be very few full time working parents not just mums.
While working full time and juggling childcare and all the shit that life throws your way is difficult it’s not really an excuse to work part time if you can’t afford to.
FWIW my exdh and I put it all into one pot with equal access even when I earned double his salary.

[Annabellerina]

The reasoning is true for single parents not just any parents. People in a couple have a second adult who can pick up the plates they drop. Single parents are doing the work of two.

[SleepingStandingUp]

Have you talked to him op and made it clear you can't afford it? Presumably even just him doing all the food shopping would make the difference.

Does eldest dad work? I'd Def be going through CSA of you can.

Going full time, remember you'll only be paying HALF the extra costs so you should benefit. If you're earning 1100 now then I'm assuming FT would be around 1700-2200 a month, half of two days childcare won't cost you £600 a month

[LilyWater]

@Annabellerina

The reason top up benefits exist at all are because it is widely acknowledged that full time work + full time/majority responsibility for child(ren) + childcare issues + commute + household responsibilities + whatever else is going on in your life = total fucking nervous breakdown

Exactly. And the crazy task of juggling it all is very like contributing to our low fertility rates in the country and similar countries in the West. Can't blame the Govt for trying to help address this crisis through tax credits, child benefit etc. www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-53409521

[LilyWater]

*likely