How do you split the bills in a relationship? I'm running out of money!

[Newname88]

I've lived more on my own since moving out of my parents house 12 years ago than i have with somebody so just looking to see whats normal.
Moved in with DP in Jan, i've always worked part time and received the benefits i was entitled to which meant i was living comfortably, but would have to save up to afford extras e.g birthdays/xmas etc.
Obviously since moving in together i am no longer entitled to those benefits and we split the bills 50/50 and then pay our own extra's e.g car insurance/tax, i pay the pet costs as they were my pets before we got together.
I am in my overdraft every month long before payday and am using my savings to cover me which are soon running out.
I dont buy unnessary items and i dont get my hair done/nails etc if anything the only extras i spend that i shouldnt are takeaways and days out with the DC, even if i cut back on those i would still be in my overdraft.
DP works full time and does alot of overtime too, on a good overtime month he could earn a good £500-£700 more a month but his company cut overtime since COVID and he now only earns about £200-300 more than me at the min.
He spends way more on extra's/personal stuff for himself but also spends money on us as a family etc.
What do other couples do when one earns more than the other? It's going to get to a point where i run out of savings and have nothing left!

[Bluntness100]

We also pay proportionate to our earnings, obvs you need to take the pet costs out if that’s your agreement.
However plenty do fifty fifty it’s up to the couple.

[Bluntness100]

If you are fully committed, sharing all assets and savings, both working at capacity and a blended family, then I think the fairest is the "all in one pot, take out a set amount of personal spends". All expenses for children (yours or his, including maintenance) come out of the joint pot.

This is the thing, opinions, everyone has one, i don’t think this is the fairest way at all and wouldn’t do all in one pot ever and I’ve been with my husband since I was twenty and I’m now 51.

[xxxemzyxxx]

Me and my DP for years now (even before we got married) put all outgoings together (inc personal stuff like car insurance, loan repayments, gym memberships, etc) and all our income together. We put a set amount in savings per month then the remaining money is divided equally between us so we both have the same amount of money to spend on what we want for ourselves.

I know this won’t work for everyone but at one point I was on a lot more money than DH and doing it any other way I just saw as unfair as then DH had next to money after paying bills. Now he earns a little more than me and we agreed to carry on the same as it works really well for us and neither of us are unhappy.

[Newname88]

@Soontobe60 2 DC and only one is with current partner.

@Embracelife 2 DC are 13 and 1. Youngest is obviously with current partner, i get no maintenance for older DC from the father, this is a longstanding issue.
We rent the house together, did dicuss buying but as the relationship is fairly new we wanted to rent first and see how things go.
I could certainly work full time but this would incur more nursery fees and the nursery fees for me working part time are quite alot already. It also allowed me to be around for older DC in the school holidays as i get no childcare help from his dad in that respect either but now he's older it isn't so much of a requirement but i certainly wouldnt want him at home every school holiday alone 5 days a week.

[2155User]

@Newname88

Unfortunately, if what you would earn working full time is more than nursery fees, then you need to go back to work full time.

[ShopTattsyrup]

Household bills and rent are paid 50-50 between us. I earn fractionally more than him (about £100 pcm) so I usually do an extra big food shop to make it fair. We each pay for our own car, mobile, he pays for Disney+ (for all the Marvel movies) I pay for Netflix (for all the Doctor who).

Remaining money is for each to do as they wish, save or spend :)

[bravotango]

50% of wages go into the joint account, absolutely everything comes out of there. This allows for fluctuating incomes (DP self employed)

[ButteryPuffin]

Split bills proportionate to earnings. Also, set up a joint account for bills and domestic costs and each put an agreed amount into that. That way you keep your independent accounts, but you work out how all the boring bills are covered first and foremost.

[TellerTuesday4EVA]

Very un-Mumsnet but we just have a joint account and everything goes in & out of there. For a long time I was the higher earner now DH earns more than double what I do but it's one pot and anything in it is ours.

But then we've together many years, one child together. I imagine it would be more complicated if there's DC from previous relationships etc.

[anotherdisaster]

Hi OP, sorry if I've missed this. Did you move into his rented house or did you jointly find one together? If the latter then it would have been sensible to work out what you can afford, if you would prefer to do 50/50 with him. If that't the case you would have to rent somewhere cheaper. Its then up to him if he wants somewhere bigger and he makes up the shortfall.
I think people have been harsh telling you to go back full time! I do however always think it a bit unfair if you have to be part time but are still expected to pay 50%. Surely you are providing free childcare for your joint child? if you went full time he would then have to pay half nursery fees!
You need to speak to him about it. Tell him you just can't sustain paying 50% of the current place and that you are better off living alone - see what he says.

[PeachMoon]

If he is only earning £2-300 more than you, and you are running out of money and topping up with savings then surely he is also running out, or close to running out of money each month?

It sounds like you need to sit down together and have a complete review of all money coming in and out and make cuts where you can.

Also, if your part time earnings are so close to his full time earnings, could you consider going back full time, which sounds like it will be a higher salary than his, so he can go part time to cover the childcare gaps?

[category12]

If you working part-time is to jointly benefit you both as the parents of a 1 yr old and to allow him to work full-time untroubled by childcare worries, then he should be paying more.

It's ridiculous for you to be paying 50/50 when your incomes are not similar and you have lost out on income by moving in together. He should be paying in proportion to his income, and you likewise.

If he would prefer you to continue to pay 50/50 he needs to enable you to maximise your income by going full-time, and so he needs to pay half childcare costs and take on at least half of pick ups/drop offs and cover when the child is ill etc.

[BlueJava]

We split it proportionally, I pay 60% he pays 40% of all joint outgoings (I earn more). This is for mortgage, all household expenses, takeaways and anything for our DCs. For holidays we usually agree separately on what to do - sometimes if I really want something fancy I will pay flights and hotels and he'll pick up meals and trips out, but we agree in advance.

[Whiskyinajar]

Yes it is hard when you have children (and especially one under five) to work full time AND earn enough to cover nursery fees.

We have a family pot and we put in proportionately depending upon earnings.

That’s way we both have spending money and it’s fairer.

He is not subbing you as some have suggested here.....he’s your partner and the father of one of your children. Jeepers back in the 70s my stepdad took all of us three children on and willingly made sacrifices for us even though we were not his children biologically. Guess who I see as my REAL Dad?

I think you need to talk to your partner about things and also look at low cost stuff for holidays free days out etc. It isn’t easy.

[Batshittery]

We rent the house together, did dicuss buying but as the relationship is fairly new we wanted to rent first and see how things go
You have a child together. Surely that is a bigger commitment?

I now earn more than my DH. He is semi retired. I pay for most things, and am happy to do so. We also have separate savings. It has never been a problem between us. Been together 30 very happy years, so you could say we are fairly committed

[Batshittery]

We don't have young children.

[PeachMoon]

Sorry if I've misunderstood, I see you say he spends a lot on personal stuff & family treats, but if he only earns a fraction more than you and everything is split 50/50 that doesn't really make sense if 50/50 is leaving you significantly short each month.

Are you sure he doesn't earn a lot more, or is he accruing debt? Or are his personal outgoings significantly less, i.e. the car insurance, phones, etc?

[SantaMonicaPier]

Since we married we have kept the same amount of money back for personal use then put the rest into the joint account. This included times when I was on mat leave and also when I became the higher earner. I can imagine it will be more complex if you do not share one of your children though.

[whichteaareyou]

Before we were married we paid 50/50 rent and bills and then he'd pay 75% of the food bill. We're married now so it's all joint

[Margo34]

Another proportionate splitter here. DH earns 3x my salary. He wasn't happy with a proportionate split at first, until I said 'OK here is what I can afford to spend on mortgage & bills, you can match it so we pay the same each 50/50, so our month yl budget is £x...' we looked at a couple of properties within that budget and he hated them all finding them unsuitable, then found ones himself that he was happy with and agreed to a proportionate split of all joint bills.

[averythinline]

Did you not talk this through before moving on ? ... you were always going to lose some of your benefits ..
Childcare for your youngest is a joint responsibility.. not yours ..
We are an all in one pot family, have a budget for essentials and spend what we want on what we want normally but chat through big purchases.
Friends who do similar divvy out spending money each (if any left)
Other friends do the household budget (includes transport and childcare cost) then cover proportional to income ..
You need to cms for your eldest as part of your income

[ButteryPuffin]

Very un-Mumsnet but we just have a joint account and everything goes in & out of there.

See, I think this is totally Mumsnet. This place is full of people saying 'everything in one pot'!

[lottiegarbanzo]

I find it strange you didn't work this out before moving in together. You knew the move would lose you benefits but that you were not in a position / preferred not to take on extra work, because you're caring for the (his) baby.

So how did he propose to make the lost benefits up to you? To cover his part of the childcare costs for the care you are providing? To make this arrangement affordable for you?

It sounds as though he expects you to subsidise him and provide free childcare!

The reason you lose benefits is that you are assumed to be benefiting from your partner's income. He is not supposed to be leeching off you by making you pay half of everything, while failing to compensate you for your childcare hours.

I think the obvious answer is a joint family budget for everything. Work out all your income, by writing yours and his into one spreadsheet and totalling it by the year and month.

Then, on a separate spreasheet, all your outgoings, jointly and separately, by the year, month and week (some things are annual expenses, like insurance, others are monthly bills, some might be weekly). Don't forget occasional things; like Christmas, birthdays, other gifts, dentist, sight tests, glasses, haircuts etc. You don't need to get into the minutiae of personal spending together but do need to get an idea of this separately, so you know the totals.

The first thing is to make sure your total monthly income exceeds your essential outgoings. Then see how much is left, for discretionary spending and saving.

You certainly need to allocate equal amounts of personal spending money (and be equitable about what this is supposed to cover e.g. if one of you wears glasses and the other doesn't, I'd argue that expense might be considered part of an 'essential family health' line in the budget, rather than meaning that person has less for personal spending on clothes, nights out and hobbies). If there's anything left for savings, agree whether those are joint e.g. towards a house deposit, or whether they are personal. Set up savings account(s) accordingly.

It is so helpful to see it all spelt out in a budget. It shows you, in a really obvious way, what your fixed costs are that cannot be changed and what areas of spending could be cut, or expanded, depending on income and priorities.

[FizzyPink]

This isn’t particularly relevant as we have no children so both work full time. We earn roughly the same amount if I get my bonus but DP works long hours 6 days a week whereas I’m more 9-5.30. We’re also both quite high earners (£60-70k) so have plenty leftover to spend on ourselves and that is solely personal money.

We each put £900 a month into the joint account which covers rent, bills, food shopping and maybe a meal out. If we go on holiday then we’ll just put an equal amount into the account and use that to pay for all meals out or drinks or whatever so it’s completely fair

[haggistramp]

Something doesn't add up here. Is everything really 50/50? Does this include childcare?