Second pregnancy. Another man. Should I bail!?? Help

[Morningdewso]

So I was married before and had to leave when I was three months pregnant after years of abuse. I now have a little girl who is more perfect than life. Dad isn’t present in her life. She is nearly a year and a half now.
When she what three months old I started seeing a friend who i have known (and my family) for 8 years. He seemed solid. Loved me to bits. Total romantic. Loves DD like his own(almost too much). Decided we were gonna go for it and have another so age gaps weren’t a problem. We decided as I wanted to keep my independence we would be a two house family and go between. Completely financially independent.
Problem is now I’m pregnant he’s not the same. He’s trying to control me like my ex and suddenly wants to be on the phone all the time. Generally making life difficult and feel hard. He hasn’t done anything too bad as such it’s just always niggling under the surface. Partly due to his insecurity I think. He’s become overbearing about spending time with my child. And has become super childish. I can’t have two by two. I don’t know if he will stop and if I need to abort now (12weeks) Before I’m stuck with another nutter! I thought he was totally different to except and my family loved him now the don’t even want him to come on holiday with us! Help! What do I do? Bail or not!??

No one can tell you if a termination is a good or bad idea for the situation because you have to be 100% certain of that decision. I always said I'd be fine with an abortion when I was younger but I know now that it would cause me a lot of upset. It's such a personal decision.

I do agree with PP that you need to get as far away from this man as you possibly can. If the only way you can do that is with an abortion then you may have some more reassurance for the right decision for you.

Please seek counselling before you put yourself - or your daughter - through another troubling relationship.
Your daughter was only 3 months old when you started out with him
I'm really sorry. I know this won't be what you want to hear, but all the 'sorry you're in this position hun' messages won't help. What will help is tackling this issue (bad choices) from the root, so that this doesn't keep happening in future.
It is known that women who have been abused will continue to attract abusers, as they can sense vulnerability a mile away. And giving it so little time after your last relationship won't help. It doesn't matter that you knew him before, as you weren't in a relationship with him then. And it's only when the going gets tough that we see what somebody is really like.
I really do wish you well though

I had a termination at 10 weeks through BPAS as my partner was controlling and I had to think of my child I already had. He will only get worse and I can see multiple flags. Personally I would have the termination and tell him I had a miscarriage. This is what I did and I do not regret it one tiny bit. Freedom for you and your child is what you need. Also do the freedom program after this.

Also abuse doesn't often start to show until youre pregnant or have a child with them. Womens aid are great for advice and helped me see things clearer.

My F was a pillar of the community, devout Christian and seemingly a loving husband and father. There was no reason for my DM to know or suspect that he was an abuser. She also had no family, having been orphaned at 10, so there was no one around close enough to see what was going on or to warn her.

You're fortunate to have a close family watching out for you. They obviously know there's something wrong where this man is concerned.

I hate my DP when I'm pregnant especially in first few months of fatigue and sickness. I'm not saying your ex wasn't abusive, but it sounds like that first trimester hate focused you to leave. Personally if you want the baby, then I'd see how it goes. I don't like to say it but it could be your hormones as it happened before. Current partner sounds like he is being interested and caring, but as other poster say men can change when not the centre of your attention and I totally appreciate the feeling of not wanting to be touched ( however you have a DD already so he's used to being second place, plus a busy life with a farm.) Maybe he's having a life crisis, feeling insecure?

He has already said that he felt I had all the power so that’s why he’s been weird.

I'm not sure power comes up as much as a concept in a healthy, happy relationship. It's just not an issue, as either neither party is thinking about it, or is happy with it. It seems an odd thing to say - and even less healthy that he would feel the need to do something to put you down to "redress" the balance.

I felt differently about my DP when I fell pregnant, honestly I couldn't stand him and thought what have I done, I wanted to split up and felt I didn't love him anymore. I was constantly irritated by him and I questioned everything. BUT the difference here is that I still knew he was a good man and that he wasn't abusive in the slightest.

No one can tell you whether or not to terminate, that's your choice but I do think he is showing a more sinister side and wanting your DD on his own when you could be together is really weird.

Run

What is he doing specifically that is acting weird?

What is he doing that has caused your family to turn against him after a v close RS for 8 years including several holidays annually.

I think that you have not healed - reflected changed, grown, - from your initial abusive RS and to be so deep into another not long after giving birth.

I cannot contemplate being a single parent and having the energy and mental capacity to date when my first born was 12 weeks old. I suspect it wasn’t like this and he swept in like a white knight to help you out?

What have you learnt from your first abusive RS?

What’s important now is that you are hesitant, confused, irritated, unsettled - that’s more than enough of your gut screaming to detach and withdraw - you don’t have to understand him or work it out - you just need to respond to you body screaming .... run.

"Honestly don’t know where I went wrong. Right from the beginning I lay down the law and said I’m not looking for a father for DD nor anything else from you. I’m totally independent. just want a normal adult relationship!"

I think there are confusing elements to your situation and tbh I'm not surprised if your BF is feeling confused and a bit desperate. You do already have a DD and you decided to make a sibling for her; although you were going to live in separate houses, how was it going to work for your elder DD when her younger sibling has a father on the scene but she doesn't? Also, how can you go from trusting him enough that your new baby would shuttle between your two households so that he would have sole care of the new baby for a significant amount of time to not trusting him at all?

What you were proposing with him was not simply a normal adult relationship but something much more committed, involved and complicated.

I'm not sure how easy it would be for your DD either as she got older: if she sees that her younger sibling has has a father-type bond with this man but you have expressly excluded her from any similar relationship with him.

I seem to be more or less alone in this reaction, but I think his instinct of wanting to bond with your DD and build a close relationship with her as well as the child which is biologically his own is natural and healthy. And that it would be hurtful for her to have a situation where her younger sibling has a father figure but she's excluded from that family dynamic.

Your elder DD is still so little that you probably can't imagine her becoming alive to the dynamics I have described above, but believe me, from about age 3-4 onwards, she would start to notice that there was a man who was around her mother and her younger sibling a lot of the time, but for some reason her mother won't let her have a close relationship with him.

Pregnancy is a very emotional time and ideally not a time for serious life-changing decisions but of course the decision of whether to continue with your pregnancy or abort it has to be made now. I'm pro-choice but I still think having an abortion is a very difficult thing to do and fortunately I've never faced having to do so but I have one or two friends who have. It was the right thing for them at the time and they don't regret it. You somewhat rushed into this pregnancy and having this man's child certainly will bind you to him for life and he will clearly want to be involved. So you need to decide whether you can face that or whether you need to disentangle yourself from him.