Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Second pregnancy. Another man. Should I bail!?? Help

61 replies

Morningdewso · 06/08/2020 23:15

So I was married before and had to leave when I was three months pregnant after years of abuse. I now have a little girl who is more perfect than life. Dad isn’t present in her life. She is nearly a year and a half now.
When she what three months old I started seeing a friend who i have known (and my family) for 8 years. He seemed solid. Loved me to bits. Total romantic. Loves DD like his own(almost too much). Decided we were gonna go for it and have another so age gaps weren’t a problem. We decided as I wanted to keep my independence we would be a two house family and go between. Completely financially independent.
Problem is now I’m pregnant he’s not the same. He’s trying to control me like my ex and suddenly wants to be on the phone all the time. Generally making life difficult and feel hard. He hasn’t done anything too bad as such it’s just always niggling under the surface. Partly due to his insecurity I think. He’s become overbearing about spending time with my child. And has become super childish. I can’t have two by two. I don’t know if he will stop and if I need to abort now (12weeks) Before I’m stuck with another nutter! I thought he was totally different to except and my family loved him now the don’t even want him to come on holiday with us! Help! What do I do? Bail or not!??

OP posts:

hammie46i · 07/08/2020 05:08

I'd terminate, too and get out of there. This doesn't sound right. Why is he fixated with your daughter?

Wallywobbles · 07/08/2020 05:13

How old are you both?

Does he see that his behavior is a worry?

InTheWings · 07/08/2020 06:01

You were not ready to start a new serious relationship, and you are not happy with him as a partner. So....

ThrawnCow · 07/08/2020 06:06

If you have this baby, there will be 3 of you tied to this man for life.

BluntAndToThePoint80 · 07/08/2020 06:42

Just being slightly provocative here, but you’ve clearly been through a great deal with your ex. Is there any way that is influencing how you perceive his behaviour ? Maybe he’s just excited and feeling protective of you now you’re carrying his child ? Like another PP has said, maybe he’s trying to build a family and not exclude your daughter ? You’ve known him so long I’d find it odd he’d had a total personally change. Although I know abusive folk don’t advertise that they are.

Just a thought, but if it is as you’ve described I’d be worried about him. Please make sure you protect your daughter.

SteelyPanther · 07/08/2020 06:47

Gosh, that sounds very worrying OP.
You said that he’s a farmer - does he have a family farm to be passed down through the family ? Is this baby his heir to the family farm ?
If so, maybe that’s why he’s being so clingy.

SteelyPanther · 07/08/2020 06:48

And if your family are wary, that’s a red flag.
If you’re concerned please tell one of them.

Original poster

Morningdewso · 07/08/2020 07:10

Blunttothepoint I think you make a lot of spot on comments. I don’t think he’s abusive like ex was. It just started feeling like it did before. Perhaps it was me being overly sensitive to signs. I want to nip his behaviour in the bud before it morphs in to another bad one!
Have any of you noticed a difference to your partners while pregnant? Or perhaps you perceived them differently while you were?
He has already said that he felt I had all the power so that’s why he’s been weird.

OP posts:

BusterGonad · 07/08/2020 07:48

He sounds predatory to me, wanting to spend time alone with your daughter makes me extreamly worried. If I were you I'd get a termination and pretend I lost the baby, then gradually ease yourself away from him as to not put yourself in danger. Some men look out for women who've been through abuse previously then pounce when they can.

ThickFast · 07/08/2020 07:58

Most abuse starts in pregnancy unfortunately. Men will often change and become abusive when the woman gets pregnant. And then it gets worse again when the baby is born. So it is a common pattern sadly.

chergar · 07/08/2020 08:17

Why have your family suddenly started feeling this way about him? Has he been controlling in front of them, or something else?

Devil's advocate here but at first his relationship with your daughter raised a red flag but reading again it appears he has known her since she was a baby so maybe sees her as his family and would rather look after her as opposed to a babysitter. He might want to spend time alone with her to give you a rest and have an innocent interaction with her without feeling he is being watched. Obviously this might not be the case and there could be sinister reasons behind it.

You say he is being controlling, perhaps he is making a ham-fisted attempt at looking after you and his baby and your experience with exh has made you wary and look for signs before they are there so ordinary concern for you and the baby could be seen as being overbearing.

However you are the one in this situation, I have only read a snapshot of your life together so he could very well be an abuser and you should get away but from what you have written I can't say for sure.

parababe · 07/08/2020 08:49

@Morningdewso

So I was married before and had to leave when I was three months pregnant after years of abuse. I now have a little girl who is more perfect than life. Dad isn’t present in her life. She is nearly a year and a half now. When she what three months old I started seeing a friend who i have known (and my family) for 8 years. He seemed solid. Loved me to bits. Total romantic. Loves DD like his own(almost too much). Decided we were gonna go for it and have another so age gaps weren’t a problem. We decided as I wanted to keep my independence we would be a two house family and go between. Completely financially independent. Problem is now I’m pregnant he’s not the same. He’s trying to control me like my ex and suddenly wants to be on the phone all the time. Generally making life difficult and feel hard. He hasn’t done anything too bad as such it’s just always niggling under the surface. Partly due to his insecurity I think. He’s become overbearing about spending time with my child. And has become super childish. I can’t have two by two. I don’t know if he will stop and if I need to abort now (12weeks) Before I’m stuck with another nutter! I thought he was totally different to except and my family loved him now the don’t even want him to come on holiday with us! Help! What do I do? Bail or not!??

Sounds like a bit of a nightmare! You say that you left your abusive ex when your DD was three months old, but you also say that you started seeing your DP when she was three months old. Maybe you have not given yourself time to a) come to terms with the abuse that you have been through with your ex. and b) realised what it is that you actually want from a partner. It sounds a little bit like you have jumped from one shitty situation into another. You say 'he seems solid, loves you to bits, totally romantic, loves your DD (this sounds a little creepy BTW) but you say nothing about how you feel for him...... could this be because you have just settled for the first person to show you some love/attention -(please don't think I'm berating your for that, I can totally see why you went there) I think you need to seriously consider what keeping this current pregnancy going means to your future and your baby's future. Dump the controlling Farmer boy and spend some time getting to know yourself and what you want out of a relationship because it certainly doesn't sound like you are getting anything out of this one apart from stress and hassle (and possibly some irreparable damage to your daughter!!)

Mittens030869 · 07/08/2020 09:41

It's the obsession with your DD that I would find very unnerving. My F sexually abused my DSis and me, and one thing about him was that he was obsessive towards us. My DM always thought he was such a loving father but what she didn't get was that it was all about control. (He was controlling towards her as well.)

This does sound disturbing, especially the insistence on alone time with your DD. I'm aware that I could be too inclined to think the worst because of my past, but it sounds like your family are picking up on this too.

As for your pregnancy, I've never advised anyone to terminate a pregnancy before, but if you have the baby, that child will potentially be very vulnerable, as you won't be able to prevent him having alone contact time with him/her.

ChristmasFluff · 07/08/2020 09:46

OP, he is textbook abuser. It is so common for the abuse to begin when the woman is pregnant and 'trapped' by a shared child. Following a bunch of love-bombing to fish you in and fast-forward you.

You made the mistake of believing that because you had known him for years, you knew who he was in a relationship. The two are not the same. Abusers are commonly well-thought -of by those around them. Ditto paedophiles.

I'm another vote for abort and run, otherwise you will be stuck with this abuser forever.

AmandaHugenkiss · 07/08/2020 09:50

So is he demanding alone time with your daughter on weekends when you are free and you could spend time together as a family? That would concern me.

JulesCobb · 07/08/2020 09:52

Loves DD like his own(almost too much)
what does this mean?

Abuse starting in pregnancy is very common. You're stuck at that point. The act can drop.

He is behaving so poorly because he has no control over you. Really not a good sign.

And you moved so very fast with him. It would have been very difficult to know what he was actually like.

Tough decision but if you are leaning towards abortion, act quickly.

JulesCobb · 07/08/2020 09:55

@parababe You say that you left your abusive ex when your DD was three months old, but you also say that you started seeing your DP when she was three months old

No she didnt. She said she left her ex when she was three months pregnant. You even quoted that sentence!

workshy44 · 07/08/2020 10:07

Oh god run, pregnancy is when men's true colors often show.. when they believe you are vulnerable and trapped. You will be stuck with him for the next 18 years if you continue with this pregnancy , which will be a lot harder to deal with than an abortion
Its completely bizarre that he wants to babysit on a farm for a whole day too, especially at her age when they need so much care. Not like a 8 year old that might be "company" for him.
Your gut it screaming at you, listen to it. Tell him you lost the baby, you don't have to cut ties totally but now is not the time to have a baby with someone.

billy1966 · 07/08/2020 11:29

Pregnancy and abusive men seems to be a huge trigger.

He feels you have the power as you are NOT living with him and is desperately trying to regain control by his actions.

This is NOT a man you want permanently in your life, trying to control you.

He lives so close to you, that with a child you would never be free.

OP, please think this through.
You are about to become tightly embedded in a shit show.

Do not focus on how things might hopefully work out if he decides to suddenly not be controlling but exactly how this will play out in your life and farming community, sharing a child with an abusive man who has said he wouldn't ever let you go!!

Dontbeme · 07/08/2020 14:03

I don’t think he’s abusive like ex was. It just started feeling like it did before. Perhaps it was me being overly sensitive to signs

Or perhaps you are becoming more attuned to the early red flags. It is very concerning that your family have found his behaviour so changed that they are withdrawing from him too. Is there a family member that would speak honestly about what they see rather than sugar coat it for you? I would be speaking to that person if possible.

GilbertMarkham · 07/08/2020 14:24

I don't like the sound of him wanting to have your daughter on his own for several hours either.

This x100.

Why does he need to have your year and a half (?) old daughter, whose father he is not on her own?

Why wouldn't he want to spend time with both of you.

I don't know many men who want to have their own kids on their own for extended periods, let alone children who aren't theirs.

I'm trying to think why he'd want to have your daughter alone, without you there a d in not able to think of any good reasons. To the contrary I'm thinking about some extremely bad reasons.

GilbertMarkham · 07/08/2020 14:25

Its completely bizarre that he wants to babysit on a farm for a whole day too, especially at her age when they need so much care. Not like a 8 year old that might be "company" for him.
Your gut it screaming at you, listen to it. Tell him you lost the baby, you don't have to cut ties totally but now is not the time to have a baby with someone.

Exactly.

Child sex abuse images/videos make a lot of money, I understand.

GilbertMarkham · 07/08/2020 14:26

You made the mistake of believing that because you had known him for years, you knew who he was in a relationship. The two are not the same. Abusers are commonly well-thought -of by those around them. Ditto paedophiles.

This.

GilbertMarkham · 07/08/2020 14:30

When you know someone as an acquaintance/family friend, you don't really, truly know them.

Takes a lot of constant, close contact for a while to get to know someone.

GilbertMarkham · 07/08/2020 14:31

You can tell people (including him) you've had a miscarriage if they know about the pregnancy and you choose to have a termination. He doesn't have to know anything about it.

Flip

1 2 3