What the hell do I do

[Erasemymind]

Can someone help me?
I will try and keep this brief.

Been with DH 19 years. I'm 42, he's 38. We have 3 kids, 17, 11 and 8 years. We have a big house, he has his own business. He has always been massively driven, work is his obsession. I dont work much except to help him out. Haven't worked in 11 years. He employs my two brothers. My mum is disabled, she lives with us. He doesnt drink, smoke, watch football, go out, swear at me, hit me. He tells me he loves me every day. Tells me I'm beautiful, love of his life. He isn't a great dad. Work comes first. He spends almost no time with them. Bare minimum. Is quite short tempered, snappy, bit not physical. Our eldest finds him hard work.

All of the above has been the norm for many years and to be honest, I've prodded along ok. Last year, I discovered lots of stuff on his phone, for eg.
*porn, lots of it

• lots of searching images of women, some famous, some not. One was a mutual friend of ours. He looked her up 5am one morning. Says it was just of interest as we know a lot of the same people. He looked up escort sites.... as far as I can see, just pictures. Porn use was pretty prolific though, even Christmas morning.

Anyway we worked through it. Well, he minimised it and I had to accept it or blow apart our entire family.

Couple times since, I've found more porn. He knows I really dont like the thought of him ogling other women while masturbating, I've made it clear it hurts me. I haven't checked on him in a few months. Today I decided to. Same shit. Pornhub. Every few days. Our sex life is rubbish, hes lazy and he doesnt ignite any passion in me....I've tried so hard but hes just killed it. Always tired. Always stressed. Always just rolls me on my side for a quick 5 min shag. When I showed him.what I found he denied it, blamed our son then admitted it. Said sorry. Its pain relief apparently, for his back, for the stress. I've checked out and I dont know what to do. I stayed last year because of the kids, my mum, everything.... and because I do love him but I'm not happy. I yearn to escape. Everyone says I am mad. He is such a "good man". "Works so hard". "He adores you". "You could do so much worse". Ok , but why do I feel so empty. He buys me beautiful things, I never have to worry about money, all he does is work and sleep. Why cant I be happy? I am going to blow this whole thing up and i just dont know if I'm thinking straight anymore. I want out, to be with someone who makes me laugh and who I want to spend time with. I'm so done here. Is it really justified? Do ALL men do this, as he repeatedly says. Am I being naive ?

Fuck. Anyone ????

Hmm. I don't agree with porn use, OP, but in your situation I don't think it'd be a deal-breaker for me. I certainly don't think you ought to rush into any big life decisions right now, as there would be huge repercussions. I think you need to spend some time thinking about why you're unhappy- is it just the sex life and porn or is there something else? Then, talk through how you're feeling with your partner and make it clear to him that you are wondering about the future of the relationship. See if you can fix it together before throwing in the towel.

Did you post about this a few months ago? Has it got worse?

No not all men do this but some do and if it is a deal breaker for you then get out.

Life is too short

I did yeah...it hasn't got worse I just never felt any better about it. Went through trying to impress him, dressing nice, being sexy, didnt work.... he never gave me any real answers. Its eaten at my mind now since March 2019. It's never sat right. Then when I find more....just basic porn this time, no searching for girls....but it brings it back.to the surface, makes acceptance difficult and the pain resurface. I've stumbled on since last year. It killed it for me but too much devastation for everyone if I leave. So I stayed but never felt the same about him.

Hes now in the living room looking like he is in physical pain for God's sake. Refused dinner
Feels sick apparently and now I feel guilty. Very hard to stop myself comforting him I hate him being upset. Its just a mess

No, all men do not do this and you need to think if this is a deal breaker for you. I'm afraid it would be for me. All the other positives would not be enough to compensate for his behaviour and I would find being in the same house as him intolerable. So sad this is happening to you.

You seem so unhappy.
Must be awful living like that

Oh your poor thing. What you need to do is to get turned off.

You could go crazy listening to other people telling you that you need to be cooler and except this, or other people telling you that you need to split up INSTANTLY, but I suggest a middle ground as a stepping stone. Recognise your right to get very turned off. This leaves you cold right?
Don't talk yourself out of that reaction. This is your reaction. You have a right to that response.

This is not the sex life you want or the romance you want and he's not offering it so Get Turned Off. Disengage, detach... Think of yourself from now on. Have you a job, have you savings? Are you brave enough to start again? Why wouldn't you be happier if you did that? Think about it.

This isn't for you. He gets turned on by porn but this is NOT for you.

The thing is op that if something If he is doing is making you this unhappy and making you want to end the relationship and he wont stop doing it then he is putting his happiness over yours.

Yes it can be argued you are putting your happiness over his but again, life is too short.

If you are unhappy then get out and make yourself happy.

I want out, to be with someone who makes me laugh and who I want to spend time with. I'm so done here. Is it really justified? Do ALL men do this, as he repeatedly says. Am I being naive ?

You only get one life, don't waste it in a desert of misery. You can't be happy because there is more to life than beautiful things so, yes, leaving is justified even though it will be difficult to untangle all the ways you, your brothers and mum are tied in. Your children seem equally unhappy too, I am sure they do not see big house and beautiful things as adequate compensation for a disinterested father who is hard work.

No, not all men do this, he's lying to try and justify his behaviour which is disrespectful to you and it is downright creepy the way he looked up a mutual friend of yours.

He accesses Pornhub, have a read of the thread about Pornhub and their complicity in the trafficking and horrific abuse of women and girls, how do you feel about someone who is prepared to turn a blind eye to that for their sexual satisfaction? Does he sound such a "good man" now?

You are right to want someone who makes you laugh and who you want to spend time with and enjoy their company, that is what a relationship should be, with mutual respect and consideration.

Honestly, OP, you are not living a life you are just existing and that is tragic.

What do you want help with op

Accepting this and staying and coping/outing up with this (people do).

Or planning to leave.

Or just venting for now till you decide.

Either way you will find support on here

Putting up with sorry

Don't feel sorry for him, OP, he's trying to manipulate you. If you really were the love of his life and he adored you as he says ask yourself why he would do something he knows upsets and makes you unhappy and then tries to justify it with the all men do it bullshit trope or worse still try to blame it on your son fgs.

You can do so much worse but life is too short to be unhappy. But then will the grass be greener on the other side?

Have you tried marriage counselling?
You might have just reached the end of your relationship and things won’t get better.

Is there any way you can have a break for a few months?
Maybe he rent somewhere else and you tell the kids it’s to do with work or something. It might make you both realise what you want to do and if that is to break up then it is an easier transition for the kids.

I'd have left last year if it wasnt for the kids, my mum, the fact I am massively financially dependent on him. I have loved him a long time and I don't want to hurt him, but i cant see a way forward. Everything seems so damn perfect to others, yet I'm empty. I want out, but I cant do that. Where would mum live? Boys would be so sad. How would I cope. I'm not brave enough but I know our relationship has probably reached its natural end

I felt similar a couple of years ago, but my OH did stop using porn and our sex life is much better for it.
Your husband has a choice - stop using porn and try and make you feel special again or risk losing you.

Even if he does stop using it, it changes nothing about what hes already done, what I have already seen. Makes no difference now.

@Erasemymind

I'd have left last year if it wasnt for the kids, my mum, the fact I am massively financially dependent on him. I have loved him a long time and I don't want to hurt him, but i cant see a way forward. Everything seems so damn perfect to others, yet I'm empty. I want out, but I cant do that. Where would mum live? Boys would be so sad. How would I cope. I'm not brave enough but I know our relationship has probably reached its natural end

You don't want to hurt him but he cares naught for hurting you, he knows he is hurting you because he lies about it and then tries to justify it.

Things may seem perfect to others but no-one knows what goes on behind closed doors and it is not their place to judge and nor should you care about their judgement.

You would be surprised at how brave you can be, can you really put up with this emptiness and misery for, possibly, another 40 odd years?

I don't even think this is really about porn.

You're latching on to it because it is a useful focus for the complete ick - mental, physical, everything.

You're basically sick to the back teeth of being with someone who isn't a partner (telling you he loves you every day but basically ignoring you and leading a completely separate life isn't ok) is a crap dad, and just isn't a friend or a lover in any way.

Long marriage doesn't and shouldn't mean co-existing with a miserable sod who doesn't make the vaguest attempt to share your life.

I think the custody and financial things could be worked out. It doesn't sound like he has much of a relationship with the kids anyway.

As for hurting him? He hasn't been too worried about hurting you, has he? He talks a great game, but he sure isn't walking it.

You will have to decide what you want. Go to therapy yourself, and decide what kind of life you want to live. He's clearly already checked out of the marriage.

Clearly you are worried about the impact a split will have on your brothers and mother. Don't focus on that right now. Focus on deciding what you want first.

I have loved him a long time and I don't want to hurt him, but i cant see a way forward.

If you are feeling this way he could be too so a good, open conversation about separating might be good even if you end up working through things.

The only thing that would worry me a bit is that he employs your brothers - would this be an issue if you broke up? Would you need to give them a heads up first?

Three of the world’s top ten most visited websites are porn. Safe to say it’s pretty common. Not to say you have to accept it, but I’m always shocked at how little most women understand men’s sexuality. Of course that works both ways! www.similarweb.com/top-websites/

Thanks.

This morning I realised he was also looking at porn on our little weekend away, 2 weeks ago.

We took ourselves off for a little weekend away from the kids. Friday to sunday.just the two of us. And pornhub.

Confronted him. Hes cancelled our weekend away we have booked for our wedding anniversary next month and when I asked why, he said its because I am as much of a cunt as he is.

Drowning here

he said its because I am as much of a cunt as he is
Blimey - what is his explanation for this statement?
Did he justify it?
How are you a cunt?
Do you look at porn all day?
Is your porn the reason you are lazy in bed?
Honestly, that is NOT OK!
You need a proper talk.
Would he agree to some counselling together?
You need to bottom this out if you want your marriage to continue.
If you don't, then you both need to go to mediation to see the what the practicalities would be of separation!

Have you sat down and run the financials?

You'll be entitled to half assets at least (get a forensic accountant if you think he'll hide assets), child maintenance, possibly spousal maintenance, you'll get universal credit and associated benefits, could you apply for benefits as your mum's carer, child benefit (not much I know) etc.

Citizens advice can be very helpful in going through everything.

Also a consultation with a good family solicitor, some do first one free.

Oh and the people who think he's a great husband obviously don't know hrs a bit of a porn addict who's selfish and shite in bed (when he actually has sex with you), and does fk all/is not interested in his kids either.