What the hell do I do

[Erasemymind]

Can someone help me?
I will try and keep this brief.

Been with DH 19 years. I'm 42, he's 38. We have 3 kids, 17, 11 and 8 years. We have a big house, he has his own business. He has always been massively driven, work is his obsession. I dont work much except to help him out. Haven't worked in 11 years. He employs my two brothers. My mum is disabled, she lives with us. He doesnt drink, smoke, watch football, go out, swear at me, hit me. He tells me he loves me every day. Tells me I'm beautiful, love of his life. He isn't a great dad. Work comes first. He spends almost no time with them. Bare minimum. Is quite short tempered, snappy, bit not physical. Our eldest finds him hard work.

All of the above has been the norm for many years and to be honest, I've prodded along ok. Last year, I discovered lots of stuff on his phone, for eg.
*porn, lots of it

• lots of searching images of women, some famous, some not. One was a mutual friend of ours. He looked her up 5am one morning. Says it was just of interest as we know a lot of the same people. He looked up escort sites.... as far as I can see, just pictures. Porn use was pretty prolific though, even Christmas morning.

Anyway we worked through it. Well, he minimised it and I had to accept it or blow apart our entire family.

Couple times since, I've found more porn. He knows I really dont like the thought of him ogling other women while masturbating, I've made it clear it hurts me. I haven't checked on him in a few months. Today I decided to. Same shit. Pornhub. Every few days. Our sex life is rubbish, hes lazy and he doesnt ignite any passion in me....I've tried so hard but hes just killed it. Always tired. Always stressed. Always just rolls me on my side for a quick 5 min shag. When I showed him.what I found he denied it, blamed our son then admitted it. Said sorry. Its pain relief apparently, for his back, for the stress. I've checked out and I dont know what to do. I stayed last year because of the kids, my mum, everything.... and because I do love him but I'm not happy. I yearn to escape. Everyone says I am mad. He is such a "good man". "Works so hard". "He adores you". "You could do so much worse". Ok , but why do I feel so empty. He buys me beautiful things, I never have to worry about money, all he does is work and sleep. Why cant I be happy? I am going to blow this whole thing up and i just dont know if I'm thinking straight anymore. I want out, to be with someone who makes me laugh and who I want to spend time with. I'm so done here. Is it really justified? Do ALL men do this, as he repeatedly says. Am I being naive ?

Fuck. Anyone ????

Also I tolerate (moderate) porn use and use it myself but the looking up acquaintances, friends, maybe women he's seen out and about locally (as happened to one poster on here, coffee shop worker I think) for ogling and very likely masturbating over .... To me is another level and very very icky behaviour.

He just decided to satisfy his curiosity about that woman randomly at five in the morning .. really?

He's gone from 'feeling sick' and being upset and because that didn't work on you he's now cancelled your weekend away and called you a cunt, lovely. He wants everything his way and on his terms doesn't he, no consideration for you at all, he prizes his porn use above you and your relationship.

No wonder you are drowning, the toll this is taking on your mental health and general well being is coming across loud and clear in your posts, can you honestly live the rest of your life like this?

He says he loves you, you're the love of his life, beautiful, buys you lovely things as a way to show this and yet he doesn't seem to like you nor is he interested in you as a person.

You may have more power than you think you have, does he revel in his 'good man' persona to others? Is his image and your marriage and status as others see it important to him? If so, he is highly unlikely to want that shattered. Looking up images of your friend to use as wank fodder, blaming your son for the porn on his phone, looking up escorts, his use of porn at every available opportunity would certainly paint him in a very different light to those who think he is such a good man.

Regarding your brothers working for him, it's tricky but he is bound by employment law in that regard and again he would look bad if he used them to exact revenge on you for leaving him. Likewise with your disabled mother, he would come across as cruel and nasty.

A clean break/amicable split explained away as you just drifting apart but remaining friends that enables him to retain his reputation may well play into his ego and allow him to still look like the 'good guy' in the eyes of others.

because I am as much of a cunt as he is Really?! Because you dared to question a behaviour that is upsetting you and damaging your marriage? The porn use aside that is so disrespectful of you, and the cancelling of the weekend away is a manipulative tantrum designed to keep you in line. And when that didn't work he tried to guilt trip you, and left you feeling awful- a giant, manipulative red flag.
One of the big reasons my ExH is now an Ex is because of his porn use. I knew he used it and I tried to be understanding because I also believed that it was 'just what men did' and I didn't want to be a prude. But so much of the free porn that's out there is so nastily misogynist and is all about humiliating and hurting women. Eventually that crept in to my marriage and poisoned it. My ExH wasn't interested in normal sex, and subconsciously I think he had started to believe women could be humiliated and and disrespected, it just became normalised for him. Eventually I told him I didn't like it and what it was doing to our marriage, but but then I suspect he was addicted and couldn't stop, and didn't want to. I just wanted to say from someone who has been there and has now moved on it is definitely not normal and not all men are like that. His addiction is one thing (he is putting porn use ahead of his marriage and a fulfilling sex life with his wife, so he is addicted). However, his blatant disrespect for you and the disregard he has for upsetting you is the giant red flag that's concerning me. Also, yes you are dependant on him, but you have been together for 19 years; if you did chose to end your marriage you would not be left destitute, he would have to support you and your DC.

You ask why you feel so empty, I would hazard a guess its because he's taking care of your material needs but absolutely none of your emotional needs, and that is not a way to live your precious life. I felt exactly the same, like I had a big hole in the pit of my stomach and someone had turned all of my emotions off. I think its the only way we can cope sometimes, when we're being manipulated by someone who's trying to convince us that our very reasonable demands are outrageous; and when our basic emotional needs for trust, safety, respect and tenderness from those we love aren't being met. All of your husband's efforts- the denials, the tantrums, the sulks have been about getting YOU to back down. He has absolutely no intention of changing his behaviour and you should base your decisions accordingly. Good luck

We took ourselves off for a little weekend away from the kids. Friday to sunday.just the two of us. And pornhub.

I don’t have an issue with my partner watching porn.
But this would be my breaking point, especially as he knows how you feel.

Hey there,

I remember when my partner used to watch porn, but as soon as we moved in together he stopped. I feel like it's 100% disrespectful. A LOT of men say 'it's just what men do'. Imagine if we women searched up porn of men that were bigger in size than them, imagine how they would feel.

All the advice has been great but two in particular caught my eye. 'Get turned off' is the best advice anyone could give, you're sick of it so simply stop caring. I remember when my boyfriend would speak to me like crap some days and I simply stopped caring, he got no response, and learned that if he wants to speak to me he learns respect.

Another thing to take into consideration is the financial side. You would get half of assets as someone said (whether people agree if this is right or wrong is none of their business). You could claim for benefits.

At the end of the day, maybe he isn't the one. You got married, had kids, but what if he isn't it? There is a man out there that would adore you I promise you. My mum is in her 40's and has been in and out of relationships her whole life, dealt with abuse, everything. Now, she has a husband that really loves her and they're as happy as ever.

I really wish you the best of luck and hope that you force a change in this man or leave. Everything happens for a reason.

The porn isn't the issue now. As you said yourself, he has done what he has done... and for you it's turned you off.

You are married. You have a long marriage. The 'big house' and the 'business' are assets of that marriage. You are not 'financially dependent' because half of everything in simplistic terms is yours. !

You could divorce, sell the big house and buy a smaller one with your share and house your mum and kids. You could keep the big house as part of your settlement and stay where you are.

The problem is YOU don't know where you stand regarding what you can expect from your decisions .

Knowledge is power. Yet some knowledge and make a decision based on that.

The place to start is with an initial conversation with a good divorce lawyer. It commits you to nothing. However it will give you options. Including the option to stay, press for relationship counselling (together or alone). Or to take the step to leave.

Do this one thing or you will still be in the same position this time next year.

Btw... if he cancelled the holiday, why don't you just go on your own or with a friend ? Give you some thinking space away from kids and him Erasemymind ?

Thank you, your words hurt my soul but make so much sense...an aching in my stomach and a complete detachment of emotion....yes. yet I feel constantly on the verge of tears.

I'm getting the silent treatment now. Its hard but really, what is there to say anyway. Hes said sorry, but says "what more can I do???" "You won't believe me now anyway". True. We sit in awkward silence, then I get up.and do something else. Feel like I have an elastic band around my head. What to do. The only way to regain normality is to be nice again, be "me" again... I guess I will but it'll be an act. I don't feel anything really, just sad. Very aware.
Like a pp.said, maybe the porn, yeah I could overlook it AGAIN but he booked this little getaway, 'you and me time' he said. He booked us a massage. He bought me a diamond bracelet (wedding anniversary gift), he said " whatever you want". I didnt want anything really. Happy to chill, eat, drink, switch off. We left on the Friday. He accessed pornhub at 6am. So, morning wank. We were going away! Dirty weekend! Why do that?? Then again, same day. 5pm. Again 6.30pm.

It's too much. I had no idea at the time either. What a clown.

Oh almost forgot.
I also spotted that he was on pornhub while I was at the hospital with our eldest son who had chest pains. 9.30pm, just after texting me. I also remember that night, coming back home from hospital at midnight to find nothing done. Him asleep in bed. Our two younger sons not seen to. Still awake watching TV. Lights on. Animals not seen to. Nothing.
I remember thinking, cheers mate, nice one. Didnt say anything though, couldn't be arsed

But now I know he was also having a great old time with himself on top of all.that shit, my blood just boils..... !!!!!!!!

So, that's lovely.

So why not get some advice Erasemymind . You are 'obsessed' by this. I mean that kindly but to be timing his porn access ? Just why ? It's not a surprise. You know he does this. You have known it for years. It's not going to change.

You have to either accept it. (Which you obviously can't) or do something.
What you can't do is wring your hands and say ' he accessed it at 6, 12, 3, 5 &8 ' .. It achieves nothing . That time has past.

You seem to think if you point out that he accessed porn while your son was at A&E then he is going to suddenly 'feel bad' ... he's not. He doesn't get it. He never will. It really doesn't matter if he is having a wank on the morning of his grandmothers funeral .. NOTHING you can say about him is going to guilt him in to stopping.

Your cannot change another person - you can only change how you respond to them.

Your choice boils down to leave . Take your share of the joint marital assets and build your own life away from this situation.
Or
Stay. But that means you can't be running an inventory of his porn access. Mostly because it's going to drive you more insane than you can imagine.. and will achieve nothing.

Will you PLEASE see a lawyer and find out where you stand ? At least give yourself some realistic options. ?

And seriously. What is stopping you going on the cancelled break with a friend ? If you were going, you have childcare sorted.. just go... x

I'm sorry OP, sounds tough. Do you think maybe he has a porn addiction?

He needs help with this, either he's lazy and selfish (maybe because he's exhausted from working so much?) and it's quicker and easier to "sort himself out" and/or he's watched that much porn he's desensitised himself to "normal" sexual triggers.

Of course this is a massive turn off for you, so your sex life becomes less and less regular and he watches more and more porn.

He needs help and you need a break, he needs to seek help for his addiction.

I totally understand- I have an identical situation OP. Problem with me is I have’turnedoff’ and that I think keeps the habit in place. I do accept others have no issue with it so I try not to be judgemental, for me though, it’s an utter turn off. I essentially have child locks on but block nothing so get to see what’s accessed . When it gets to be a habit like brushing teeth and not a bit of ‘occasional’ personally I find it really disrespectful, especially as it’s all the minute you aren’t around. It does seem such an inadequate reason to leave someone for though especially when you see some of the real arseholes on here, the problem is though it’s personally given me ‘the ick’ as they say — I’ve brought it up twice before and expected it to stop and it hasn’t - he doesn’t know how I know though .

From what you have described, what your relationship is little more than a hollow shell. Your H connects with you and the children when he feels like it but withdraws into his own world to suit himself. He doesn’t spend time with his children and isn’t, you say, a good father. He leaves you to ‘get on with it’ and just chucks an expensive present your way every so often. I’m not surprised you feel unhappy, never mind the porn (which you do seem a little over obsessed with, we get you don’t like it that’s fine, but it seems more a symptom than a cause of your marriage malaise).

I can see that you are worried that it is more complicated for you to split because of your mum and brothers. But that’s not a reason to stay locked in an unhappy marriage.

Some people talk about porn as if it's some kind of God given right or a minor detail. We're talking about real human beings being used as objects in a truly disgusting, misogynistic and abusive industry. If you're married to someone who is helping facilitate this industry and seeking and indulging in sexual pleasure from it, of course a lot of wives will be disturbed by this . OP don't let anyone downplay your feelings. Tell him to seek help/counselling for his porn addiction as it's a serious matter and it needs to be addressed to get your relationship back on track.

He's obsessed. While you and your child were in hospital, he wanked to pornhub and let you come back to a messy house.
He sounds likeva total waste of space.

Definitely agree with Gilbert Markham. Stop just thinking about it and posting on MN and start being proactive. Go into your financial situation and see how much money you would have. You need to start looking for work. Even if you were lucky enough to find a landlord who would rent to you you would need a large deposit/rent upfront. If you signed on as unemployed you would need to sign on regularly and may have to take a job that Job Centre advise you to take otherwise you will be sanctioned. Remember that if you rented privately there is the constant threat of rent increases and eviction when landlord wants to sell. I left my partner several years ago and whilst I don't regret it, i have had to face the nightmare of all of the above mentioned problems, some of which almost took me to the edge of a breakdown with worry. Leaving is not impossible but go into it with your eyes open and do your research thoroughly.

I just don't think this is about pornhub. This is about money.

OP you sound miserable and I dont blame you at all. Taking all the porn issues out of it, it still sounds shit.
He calls you a cunt and tries to blame your son for his own porn habit?!
Please get rid. Life is too short.

I’d have to divorce him, rolls you onto your side every time for sex, addicted to porn. No, I wouldn’t want your life OP. Make a change, only you can do it. Get some legal advice ASAP.