I’m not coping, is anyone able to talk?

[PiecesofGlie]

I turned 36 yesterday and suddenly everything has hit me all at once. I am so sad. I’ve only ever lived with one man in my twenties. I was devastated when it ended.

Here I am, heading to 40. My younger sister getting ready for her wedding next year, she’s 29, marrying someone she met at 19. I know it doesn’t do to compare but it is almost impossible not to when it’s someone close to you.

I’ve watched friends marry, have children, celebrate new homes and weekends away, for the last two decades nearly.

I’m so lonely. I get dates and second dates etc but never seems to be with a man who feels like it is home. It feels unfamiliar and clinical and sexual banter rather than warmth, sincerity and a feeling of home.

What is most awful is that the man I met when I was 30 who did make me feel all those things, died in an accident after year long relationship. We talked about marriage and kids and were on the same page. He’s gone for good. I don’t think of him everyday necessarily or even compare him with others but it feels so fucking unfair.

I now have to organise a hen do and talk about people I’ve met and if I like any of them, like I’m 20 all over again.

I’ve had therapy, still have it. I just need to talk today because I feel like the world is caving in on me.

It feels like I’m drowning today, I just want one of these nice things to happen

What nice things are in your life at the moment?

My friends and job. I’m ok. Just desperately sad at how life has turned out. I can’t see a future.

Hi PiecesofGlie,

Please don't despair, you are having a bad day. This too shall pass. I am sorry about the man who passed away. But that fact you have felt that sort of love with someone means you will feel it again. Also, do you want kids? And do you want kids with a partner or are you happy to have kids on your own and then meet someone later? You have so many options. Just think carefully about what you want and how you might achieve that.

I was your age when my ex-husband left me for a younger model. I had two very young ones then - 3 and 5 - and I never thought I would find anyone again. I even got into a relationship straight after with an emotional manipulative man and it put me off having a relationship for years! Seven years on, I truly have a wonderful life. My kids are amazingly well-adjusted, happy children.

I have used online dating on and off for years and I have also dated people I have met in real life. I have such funny (and unfunny) stories to tell. But the last few years, I have had FWBs, I have been happily single, I have dated people who are grieving a lost partner, I have had flings, I have had periods of loneliness and despair.

Lockdown has made me realised I want a partner for myself, I don't need to live with them, my children do not need to meet them (their Dad is involved). And I have found that mindset really freeing, I can date anyone I want really. I am currently seeing a lovely man I met online and we are smitten with each other! He is 48 and I'm 43. I don't know if this will last and in some ways, it doesn't matter, I want to live in the present.

Is there anyone you can talk to in real life? I have a really good girlfriend whom I see all the time and we share everything and it really helps. She's your age, had IVF with her long-term partner (she's the one with issues) and then they split so she doesn't want any children but now focussed on finding a life partner and that's okay too.

Take care and keep posting on here if you have no one to talk to.

are you sure your theraphy is working for you?
your bf dying is quite a bad luck but it can happen to anyone.
i feel like nice random things happening were for when i was younger, as i got older i had to try hard for such things to happen.

There's always a future OP, and we don't know what it has in store. L
What hopes or plans or goals do you have to aim for, that aren't linked to a relationship?

And on the hen, try to come up with some non-commitall stock responses for all the nosy gossips. Your personal life is none of their business.

Never give up hope, whatever happens and however old you get. I know your feeling older at 36 but really you are still in the prime of your life, keep going on dates and someone will click, weddings can also good be an opportunity to meet someone.

Thanks. I do have people to talk to but I’m just so low today that i thought it might help to talk here.

I just hate how my life has turned out. I feel so much loss for the life I wanted. I don’t want a family alone but realistically, after 5 years of dating, it doesn’t seem that I will meet anyone now, and I don’t want to just settle for someone for the sake of it. There’s no point. I’m also past the point of wanting to try super hard to make something work. I can’t be bothered.

I have therapy but the reality is that my life isn’t how I expected or wanted it to be and I don’t know how to face more celebrations of other people’s lives.

I don’t have much goals or plans outside a relationship. My life is how I want it just with nobody in it to share it with. My friends are great but it isn’t the same. I’m left out. I’m lonely every night.

I also feel damaged by what happened to me and so feel nobody will want to take that on. I’ve had therapy but obviously it will always stay with me what happened.

as pp asked would you be willing to have children even if you dont have a dp?

No I wouldn’t want to do that :(

also, being alone is better than being with someone who abuses you, cheats on you.

Am just 2 years older than you...how difficult to deal with the loss of a loving partner. It’s not the same but I let go of a meaningful relationship in my early 20s and have mourned it...wonder how it would be if things had turned out differently...

Do you have any loving pets to dote on? My two rescue dogs were abused, neglected, scrappy little things & rehabilitating them has given my life so much meaning, I live for them now. I have had some bad relationships & promised them no more men! They will get to co-sleep with me for life now.

If I didn’t have them would feel lonely, instead of alone - there is a key difference.

Also with their special needs they have pushed my patience to its limits at times, so while it’s not like having actual kids, they do keep me busy.

I know it’s so cliche to say “hey get a cat!” Like the crazy cat lady cliche. But it’s a cliche because it’s true, that the bond between a loving pet & owner can give people a strong will + reason for existence.

Also tinder has destroyed the dating world, I do think it was easier 20 years ago...we were forced to all talk to each other, people would go to dinner parties & bring along a single friend, play Cupid / matchmaker... it doesn’t happen anymore.

We really need to bring back dinner parties as a good way for people to meet each other (and actually be able to engage in casual, yet meaningful conversations)

Am rambling but just want you to know you’re not alone in how you feel & your post has resonated with me

Have you tried going to bereavement groups like Cruse or WAY? I know WAY is widowed and young but you were in a relationship so the marriage bit is just a technicality as you were headed there. Therapy is great but I wonder if you’d benefit from talking to people in a similar position? It might make you feel less lonely? Your feelings are perfectly understandable and valid. Search Facebook for your local WAY and Cruse groups.

Trauma and grief does stay with you, and will impact on your life, but it doesn't necessarily mean anyone else won't want to deal with it with you.

Why not set yourself some life goals or challenges? As a kind of distraction from loneliness, a way of broadening your circle, and a focus for achievements? Travelling, education, career-wise? Learning a new skill?

Thanks. I appreciate the posts.

I just feel like I am drowning. I feel like life is cruel and unfair. I can’t imagjne ever meeting anyone. It just isn’t something I can see happening now and that leaves darkness. I never wanted a lonely life, I don’t think anyone does

@bluebell34567 so true! It is undoubtedly better to be single than in a mediocre / sad / abusive / neglectful relationship. When you’re feeling raw & heartbroken. Loneliness just sucks. I intend to deal with it by always having a jack russell X by my side. Don’t expect to be in another relationship again now...

I’ve done so much travelling and learning and courses and reading and therapy.

I know there’s always more out there but I’m done with it. It’s just a distraction from what I really want and I feel like giving up now.

Not once has my sister been told to get a hobby or learn something new or go travelling. She’s just spent her life so far in a meaningful relationship

What kind of things do you enjoy doing OP? What brings you joy ? Do you have any passions or pursuits ? also bear in mind 2020 has been awful for people feeling disconnected & lonely this year. How has lockdown affected you?

I just want to be a family. That’s all I want.

I’ve spent my whole life doing things I enjoy. I don’t want another free evening to do as I please. I want a family and commitment. I feel so broken.

I never expected to be a single mother of 2 at the age of 36! That was truly shit. I worried about what other people thought about me. I had a shitty part-time job.

But now, I am so proud of what I have achieved. I am so proud that I have managed to re-start my career. I have a great job, great colleagues now. I managed to buy my own house, that has given me so much security and stability. Seven years ago, I remember seeing my counsellor for the first time post-marriage breakdown and I could hardly breathe for crying as I felt I had lost everything.

Also, a family can come in lots of different forms. Don't be stuck on that mum/dad/children family unit. I have seen many units like that existing in true unhappiness. My unit is quite unique, it's me and my children and my lovely male au pair currently. And I have close friends who are welcome into my home anytime and my children love seeing them.

I feel like I’ve lost everything too. I went for a fertility check last month and they said all ok but some evidence of thickness in lining which may or may not be normal for me, but could indicate I previously had infection. That topped everything off really as now I feel that kids are definitely off the cards. Life just feels very hard.

It is so hard OP, I feel for you.
My older sister is single, in her 40s with only a few serious relationships and no marriages/children. I've been with DH for 20 years and we have our Dc.
There is no difference to how we lived our lives, or how 'nice' we are as people - my sister dated a lot more and is a more attractive, successful, engaging person than I am. Meeting my DH was nothing more than a pure fluke for me, so yes I would say life is, if not actively unfair, then simply ambiguous as to what people experience.

But remember, things can only change if you keep going.

Would you consider going it alone? Using a sperm donor? If you can’t find a partner but know you really want kids would that be an option for you? One of my best friends was in exactly your position at your age. This is going back 10 years now. She did it. She doesn’t have a partner but her and her son are so happy and close. She lives a wonderful life. She was really down and sad before she had him. It’s just my experience of knowing somebody who has gone it alone.