I’m not coping, is anyone able to talk?

[PiecesofGlie]

I turned 36 yesterday and suddenly everything has hit me all at once. I am so sad. I’ve only ever lived with one man in my twenties. I was devastated when it ended.

Here I am, heading to 40. My younger sister getting ready for her wedding next year, she’s 29, marrying someone she met at 19. I know it doesn’t do to compare but it is almost impossible not to when it’s someone close to you.

I’ve watched friends marry, have children, celebrate new homes and weekends away, for the last two decades nearly.

I’m so lonely. I get dates and second dates etc but never seems to be with a man who feels like it is home. It feels unfamiliar and clinical and sexual banter rather than warmth, sincerity and a feeling of home.

What is most awful is that the man I met when I was 30 who did make me feel all those things, died in an accident after year long relationship. We talked about marriage and kids and were on the same page. He’s gone for good. I don’t think of him everyday necessarily or even compare him with others but it feels so fucking unfair.

I now have to organise a hen do and talk about people I’ve met and if I like any of them, like I’m 20 all over again.

I’ve had therapy, still have it. I just need to talk today because I feel like the world is caving in on me.

I'm going to sound a little harsh here do I hope you take this in the intended spirit.

When someone (partner) has died you remember the wonder and the perfectness of it all. You don't necessarily put the mundane at the forefront of your mind. It's hard to move on from that and for someone else to live up to that (unachievable) standard.

You will never meet someone the same , but you will meet someone different, infuriating, irritating (the reality of a relationship rather than what you have built up in your mind). But will also have amazing , wonderful elements. But you have to allow imperfect.

Get out there. Meet people allow yourself to be scared a little let yourself go.
You never know what's round the corner

My friend feels like you do after her spouse died. I don’t have any suggestions but you’re not alone in how you feel.

Can I ask why the first/second dates don’t carry on? Are you dumping because they can’t match your previous partner?

Happy birthday for yesterday!

36 you are young - I’m 43 and I kind of wasted my 30s believing I was over the hill and divorced and then dumped by my second partner it was truly a heartbreaking time in 2015 - Single mum to children with special needs!

One evening I made a list of things I had always wanted to do - join gym, play badminton for fun, pottery class, go on a holiday just for me etc etc

How did I get through it - well after crying into carbs and ice cream - I had some major weight to shift - through gritted teeth and feeling like a super blob I joined a gym and went 2/3 times a week when it was quietest Friday nights and Saturday evenings. I exercised and took control of my eating habits. - slowly slowly I felt a bit better and looked at some meet-up groups for board games days out and badminton. My social circle was depleted and I was lonely. I needed to meet some new people and so I attended a few meet-up groups and I went on days out and met some lovely new people - new friendships with women who are now like my sisters! Incidentally I do have two sisters - they were busy with their lives and family and couldn’t really relate to my issues as a single mum.

I was sad I was alone I had no partner - but I had two children who needed me and I had to get better mentally and physically. When they were away at their fathers I started using the time to go to the gym, go on day trips. I thought about what made me happy and there were days of binge watching Netflix too - which is totally fine.

It is very difficult to kick yourself into action. Going out and doing things alone is very daunting to begin with - but as you start walking in that direction it gets easier. I got healthy, I got out and about to do unusual things day trips and tried new hobbies - went to charity events and met a whole new group of people. As I got healthier I looked and felt better with more confidence I dated a little online - but my outlook changed.

I understood I made my happiness and another person wasn’t going to come into my life and fix everything. I met some interesting people have some very funny and oddball stories.

Today I’m blessed with a lovely life - I do have a wonderful partner - but before he entered my life I was happy again. I’d travelled to a few places alone and with new girlfriends - I think travel has been the ultimate change I booked little City breaks - even took my sister on one to escape her daily grind. She still talks about the few days we spent in Austria. As for my list of things I want to do - I’m still working through it.

As for my weight well I’m a Bridget Jones it comes off it has gone in in lockdown but I no longer value myself on my looks. I’ve battled with podgekinsons for over 20 years - and yes it’s good to be healthy - however I no longer devalue myself over the number on the scale or the jeans that don’t zip up. It’s a process I’ll get healthier again and I’ve surrounded myself with good people. That’s important finding that group of friends and family who encourage inspire and bring out the best in you, and love you unconditionally.

If tomorrow my relationship ended - I know I’d have solid support and whilst I’d be devastated my life wouldn’t be over. I love my partner he is truly amazing. I just know that I’d find comfort and strength to build myself up. Life is what you make it and I’ve learned to be positive, love with an open heart - including loving your friends and building them up and talking of holidays and travel we will one day go on.

@PiecesofGlie you are young you are free and single - you have a whole world out there waiting for you. Walk in the sunshine - and look in the mirror and tell yourself I am beautiful I am strong and I have lots to offer the world! You do - you really do!!

Thanks for these really lovely posts. It means a lot.

The poster who asked if I compare dates with my ex - no definitely not, I could see his flaws and in fact there were things I wanted to change about him, it was just the last memory of someone who I was there on the brink of a future with that breaks me.

katy your post is inspiring. I think the added fertility worry has also made me feel past it now. It is hard to move towards when it feels so scary...if you know what I mean? I feel like it is so daunting to do things alone and while i did that a lot in my twenties it feels scary now and I resent it as my friends and family are all settled and don’t have to do it. I’m just exhausted. I don’t know where to begin.

Hi @PiecesofGlie. Your post made me really sad. Although my situation wasn’t exactly the same as yours I had very similar thoughts up until I met someone last year just before my 37th birthday. I had got married at 29 to someone I had known since school, but two years in this person revealed himself as someone completely different, and I had a nightmare trying to get him out of my life. I then had two 2-year relationships with men that I liked but just weren’t committed to me, were quite selfish and the relationships were going nowhere. During this period I used to speak to friends and they’d ask me questions like yours... it was always the same question, but is he the ‘one’? I always despaired because I felt like I’d found my ‘one‘ years ago and it still all fell apart. I didn’t trust my feelings, I felt thoroughly alone, and like you I just wondered how others seemed to have it so straightforward. For example, my younger brother got married the year after me and watching his marriage,life, family, develop was like a sad reminder of what could have been.
Like you I had good things, my wonderful family, close friends, job, home. But I did feel empty with no one to share it with.
Last spring I was at my lowest and had started online dating again when I met someone and haven’t looked back since. We both felt exactly the same, had no time for games and just got stuck in. It hasn’t been easy due to some complications but there has never been a single doubt in my mind that he is the right person for me. We are now expecting together and whilst it’s very easy to despair at people saying it will come, it does. But try to enjoy your life in the meantime. However, do date. As much as people slate online dating it worked for me and many others.
Also, allow yourself to feel low sometimes. It’s not a crime, you are allowed to feel sad and lonely. But that feeling will pass. Chin up xxx

It's royally shit, I know, I've been there. You get all kinds of advice and some of it helps and some just makes you feel worse. For what it's worth, I found the only way to survive was to take myself away from that place I so desperately wanted to be. To find happy people with alternative lifestyles, who did not conform to the married with kids trope. It doesn't fill the void, but it reminds you you're not alone and that there's joy and self worth to be found without fitting into the socially approved 'family unit'. You have so much to give, and until the right person comes along you need to find somewhere else to pour all your love and personality. That's what people mean when they clumsily suggest 'getting a hobby'. It's more than just taking up netball or joining a club in the hope of meeting a man - it's about finding some meaning for your life that doesn't depend on someone else. Also, it's a total cliche, but you often find The One when you're not looking. Suddenly, one day, it just happens. When you least expect it. Totally unengineered. And it can happen at 29 or 49 or 79. Don't give up hope.

It’s so hard though and I feel like I am damaged now after what happened. I just don’t know where to turn.

artemis thanks. That’s one of the problems...people say stop looking, others say ‘well they won’t just land at your door!’ And so it goes on.

And now I feel like I am older, damaged with emotional baggage.

You’re no more damaged then anyone else at 36 who’s had life experiences. I think we all have our shit it just comes in different ways and at different times. But it is hard and you are in the middle of it right now so it does seem like there’s no way out. But there is you just can’t see it yet. There is so much power in that word ‘yet’ x

Op I have been in a similar position to you so understand how you are feeling and it can be very hard. I often used to feel like I didn’t want to tell friends how I was truly feeling about it all either but had to force myself to open up to my loved ones about it and had some great support from them. It wasn’t about them giving me solutions but just having people to listen and just be there for me that really helped.

I found the idea of thinking what the rest of my entire life was going to be like all the time really daunting so just tried to think more shorter term like what does the next few weeks look like, what nice things could I do for me, spend time with loved ones etc and thinking in that way did help stop me obsessing about it all the time.

I did online dating off and on and a while and used to get quite tired of it and just couldn’t be bothered at times so I would take myself off it until I felt a bit more happier and would then go back on. I did meet someone in the end who is lovely.

There is hope and lots of wonderful people out there but completely understand how it can be hard to believe this at times when you think when is it going to be my time. My advice would be do what feels right for you and reach out to those around you for support and don’t feel bad for doing that.

Hi OP, not sure what to say, but could you get out of organising the hen do? I think it's your sister's? I'm sure she would understand and as you mentioned it in your post, I feel like maybe it's compounding your understandable feelings of loss. I think it would be reasonable for you to suggest she asks a friend to organise it.

I also wonder if antidepressants would help, or even getting a dog, if your job allows. Sorry you are feeling so sad and I hope you have some sunshine today to lift you Keep talking here.

I recall feeling total dispair when at 36 my marriage was over. We had no children due to my infertility and I had always wanted 4 kids or at least 2 by the time I was 30. It seemed so hopeless, my friends had happy marriages and babies as they wanted them.

But, one thing I did learn is that people often dont have it all, not everything that looks great is necessarily so. And life has a habit of not working out as you plan!

That was many years ago and I have a DP and we have a much loved DS conceived on my last ever ivf attempt!

Things do work out, you have to keep the faith.

Have you ever thought of adopting a child and how fulfilling and rewarding that would be?

@PiecesofGlie

I know it so difficult to remain positive and whilst your surrounded by what you think are happy families! They probably are just rubbing along and keeping it together. Most people are just walking a tightrope with family life limited by finances and lifestyles imposed on them. Honestly a lot of families struggle with so much.

Let me tell you now this time in your life is very important - you have no family commitments you can make big decisions without the worry of family life.

Turn your perspective upside down - you are looking at life by societal norms - Really is this the only way to achieve happiness - erm no!

I married young at 24 because it was put upon me - family and religion - if at 24 I had not had those constraints - I might not have any children at 43 - I would possibly be living alone in some happy corner of the world.

When I look back at life I wonder how much more I could have lived had I not married and had children. I love my children - I just feel like I would have been a better mother daughter sister friend - had I lived by my own standards.

I think about life now and truly at 36 I was a single parent and society views you as a burden - there were just looks of sympathy and the reminder that I was almost solely responsible for these children. Children need happy parents and sometimes it’s unfortunate that parents can’t make life together - should you be outcast because you tried and it didn’t work out - same applies to you - should you be outcast because you aren’t married with children.

I’m not a burden on society, I’m not washed up and I’m certainly not a loser because I divorced. Despite the claims of society my children are doing ok they have a better life than I did at the same age and my parents are still married. Point is you could have had the best family life and the most devoted parents - that doesn’t guarantee a good life. Life happens and you can’t control everything.

I know you feel the pressure - just release yourself from these constraints. There are so many women who took a leap of faith into family life because of this pressure and have suffered. Many single mums are victims of narcissistic abuse - domestic violence. The pressure to settle and have children is awful forcing women to accept awful partners.

Knowing what you want is great - however it is also wise knowing what you don’t want - what is unacceptable to you and arming yourself with the knowledge of what can happen to you - is protecting yourself.

@PiecesofGlie - I prescribe you to watch a Indian match maker on Netflix - why because you will see the disparity play out in the series between the men and women. I’m hoping it empowers you to see a different perspective and understand family life with children cannot solely be achieved by having the best body and looks or finding the right partner. The most attractive men with the most success - can be the most terrible family men! A millionaire with model looks - doesn’t make a good family man.

That happiness you desire starts with you - because unless you are happy you won’t attract that same happiness. Don’t compare your life with siblings or friends they are on their path and you are on yours. What’s most exciting about your path and you don’t even know it - is you have the power to pave it and make it your own.

Travel, date, try new things - but remember this is about happiness - so you have to continue on your little path once you do find someone. Your happiness can not be dependent on another person - for me that means looking to book that cookery class at this restaurant I ate in and planning another pyjama party at a hotel with my friends. I have to do things independent of my children and partner so when I come back to them - not only am I refreshed but I have new ideas that I can enjoy with them. Maybe my children would enjoy the cookery class! You can’t evolve until you try something new. Being brave and taking that first step is difficult - you can do it - I’m behind you.

@PiecesofGlie - you have a lot to offer the world.

agree with a pp. ad's may help to pull you up and continue.

I understood I made my happiness and another person wasn’t going to come into my life and fix everything

so you have to continue on your little path once you do find someone. Your happiness can not be dependent on another person

Solid advice @KatyKeene 👍