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Relationships

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Original poster

How do we compromise on where to live or do we continue to live separately?

35 replies

Outdoorsie · 05/08/2020 08:59

So we're together 4 years, late 40s, no children, own our separate houses. After 2 years together partner decides to leave our town and buy a new house an hour's drive away. Now, at the moment there's no talk of living together, but if it comes to it, I don't want to live where he is now - I prefer the town we both lived in and it certainly would be too long for my work commute and I had absolutely no input into this move. I can't see him moving again in the near future. So if this is to come up, has anyone any suggestions? I'd be willing to compromise in another area but I'm not sure he would. I don't think I'm being unreasonable in not wanting to live where he chose - as I said, we were together 2 years at that stage.

OP posts:

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 05/08/2020 09:07

What are your thoughts on marriage?

ravenmum · 05/08/2020 09:09

When he moved, did you discuss what that might mean for your reletionship?

takeanotherchillpill · 05/08/2020 09:13

I suspect he has no intention of ever raising the subject of you two living together. That's not wrong, but you have to decide if you're happy in the relatonship status quo.

weasil42 · 05/08/2020 12:53

Op do you want to live with him or is this a hypothetical question for some point in the future? I may have misread your message but it makes you sound a bit passive in the whole process. Either you reach a compromise that suits you both so you can live together, or you don't live together.

OhioOhioOhio · 05/08/2020 12:55

Yeah. Look where you are on his agenda. Definitely not up there with where he places himself. Literally. Sorry.

merryhouse · 05/08/2020 13:16

I agree that he has no thought of living together.

You've been together four years and it's never come up? He's quite happy just having a girlfriend. And the fact that he made such a decisive move after two years without talking about the implications means that he doesn't think that's going to change.

All you need to do is decide whether you're fine with that.

OhioOhioOhio · 05/08/2020 13:27

And no judgement from me. 30 year old me would have been horrified. 40 + and that would suit me fine.

Original poster

Outdoorsie · 05/08/2020 16:12

When he decided to move he said he didn't want it to affect our relationship. No talk of moving in together at all. The only thing he knows is that I like the town we both lived in, I'm happy there and he knows I would never commute to my job, even when staying overnight there.

In case the topic does come up, I want to know if it would be unreasonable of me to say I'd want us to get a place of our own, not a place he's chosen some years into our relationship? It does concern me though that he's no intention of moving anytime soon

OP posts:

Feralkidsatthecampsite · 05/08/2020 16:14

Quite frankly he has made it obvious imo he intends to live in his house alone..
End of chat.
Or there would have been a proper discussion..
In my 40 's, 2 years in we were married with a dc and a new home together. Chosen together before the wedding...

Honeyroar · 05/08/2020 16:22

He’s not really giving you any signs that it’s very likely you’ll move in together though, is he? He doesn’t sound like a partner, more like a fairly casual boyfriend. Sorry if that sounds harsh. If moving in together ever comes up then you’d obviously have to discuss how you’ll work it out together.

Original poster

Outdoorsie · 07/08/2020 08:53

I found a piece of paper recently and he had listed the pros and cons of me living there, without discussing it with me.

OP posts:

HolyForkinShirt · 07/08/2020 08:57

@Outdoorsie

I found a piece of paper recently and he had listed the pros and cons of me living there, without discussing it with me.

This reminds me of the friends episode where Ross does this !

We're there lots of cons on this paper ?

HGKPG · 07/08/2020 09:06

This is why me and my ex split, one needed to move to the other, no talk (from him) and no real way of sorting it. It's stressful as I think if they want to do something they will.
He wants to come over this weekend and talk, I'm dreading the heartache again at something we go round in circles over.
I hope you can discuss

Chocolate1984 · 07/08/2020 09:15

You’ve be together 4 years and he moved further away from you. I think that says it all. I’d break up.

minnieok · 07/08/2020 09:32

To be honest it sets alarm bells off. If you are right for each other I cant comprehend him moving nor the subject of moving in together not coming up. We talked about how we could make it happen within a couple of months, didn't happen straight away but we needed to ensure it was feasible. (Just bought a house together )

ravenmum · 07/08/2020 09:34

@Outdoorsie

I found a piece of paper recently and he had listed the pros and cons of me living there, without discussing it with me.

Brilliant. What were they? "She could do the washing up", "Won't be able to binge-watch Baywatch"? Well, he's clearly been condiering living with you. But also evidently did not understand that you felt so strongly about not commuting. Does he see it as entirely his choice, rather than you being involved or having an opinion? Why haven't you discussed this?

Parsley1234 · 07/08/2020 09:39

My ex lived 200 miles away and we commuted for 9 years he could not move to me and I could not live there however I was willing to move within his area - I live in Glos he in Wakefield I wd move to Hebden Bridge or similar he would not countenance it. It was his house his town or nothing so guess what it was nothing 🤣

Original poster

Outdoorsie · 07/08/2020 10:32

@Parsley1234

But he moved away when we were together 2 years.

OP posts:

Parsley1234 · 07/08/2020 11:04

I know he did I think from my experience at the beginning of a relationship there’s a lot of good will on each side if he’s moved 2 years in away without a discussion and now he won’t move back and you won’t move what can happen ? It’s tough

elstree2020 · 08/08/2020 09:17

It seems as if he wants a relationship where you have separate houses. For some people this kind of relationship is ideal, is what they are happy with- is it something you would be happy with?

Sakurami · 08/08/2020 09:24

What were the pros and cons? Why did he move?

Techway · 08/08/2020 09:39

2 years is where you often decide to commit or split so I think him moving at that time signalled a distance, emotionally as well as physically.

Not all relationships go somewhere but decide what you want..a commited relationship or him and the distance.

HeddaGarbled · 08/08/2020 09:42

How weird that he’d write that down on paper and then leave it hanging around for you to see.

Nanny0gg · 08/08/2020 10:36

You're in a relationship and he moves away with no discussion.

Why are you still bothering?

Original poster

Outdoorsie · 09/08/2020 09:18

I think I have to accept we'll never live together. Things are okay between us otherwise, he can be a bit 'bossy' at times, likes things done a certain way, but he's a lot of good points also, but lately I feel I don't want to spend every single weekend together, eg want to meet friends and do other things as this is as far as our level of commitment can go.

OP posts:

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