Not even 35 and can't share a bed with DH

[Youremywaterfall]

DH is a fidgety, jumpy, heavy breathing, snoring sleeper. His weight is a hige factor in this I think as he was slimmer when we met and we never had any of these issues before.
He thrashes in his sleep and wakes me up, startles me and keeps me awake with extremely heavy breathing and snoring. He never used to snore at all, so this has come on along with weight gain. He does not want to talk about weight however and does not feel he can do anything about his weight at the moment.
We often sleep separately now in different rooms, which I love for the sake of a getting a good night's sleep, but this has taken a toll on our relationship after almost 3 years of this.
He comes to bed later than me and always wakes me up as he tosses and turns and seems to have to jump each time he does it as of it's an effort to turn over. I always wake up startled and find myself jumping awake in my sleep.
Before lockdown, we stayed in a hotel with a king-size zip and link bed, which was fantastic. Although he still woke me a couple of times with his snoring, I slept so much better. However, money is extremely tight for us at the moment and we can't even afford a new mattress for our king-size bed which I think would help enormously as we clearly need a new one and it's not helping things.
I'm not sure what we can do for the best at the moment? It will take us around a year to save for a new mattress, so what do we do until then? Continuing to sleep separately is driving us apart, but sleeping with him is causing me to feel exhausted. Of course, the other option is that he works on losing the excess weight, but he doesn't seem ready to do that.

When you can afford it, why not buy twin beds? I know many older couples who swear by them . My parents always had them and still had three children and plenty of sex (yes , you don’t always want to know these things about your parents).

It sounds like he would benefit from seeing his GP about possible sleep apnea. Could you persuade him to talk to his GP about it?

Reading between the lines here, it sounds like he is the one who is taking issue with sleeping separately, not you?

Why is sleeping separately “driving your marriage apart” ? Seems he doesn’t want to discuss his weight or sleep separately. You’re exhausted. You still were woken up even in the hotel bed, so while an improvement it still wasn’t a perfect solution.

It sounds like your husband is prioritising his wants over your needs. People need sleep. I am a heavy sleeper, but he sounds like a very annoying bedfellow....

Sleeping apart need not affect your relationship, my DW and I have slept apart most nights for years. She snores, runs in the family, and she usually sleeps later than I do as she works evenings in a restaurant. Long ago we made a deal that we should have sex at least once a week, there is an understanding that we can always go to the others bed whenever we feel the need. We celebrated our 28th wedding anniversary last week and our relationship is probably stronger now than it has ever been. Sleeping apart means better sleep and better sleep means happier people.....

Arrange sex at a pre sleep /post sleep time. That alone could improve the relationship which might encourage discussion.

I’m 34 and the best thing DH and I ever did for our relationship was get the spare room set up as our second bedroom.

We usually start the night together in the same bed, but if one of us is struggling to sleep, we hot foot it to the other room, usually returning in the morning for a coffee in bed together before we get up. It stops us getting annoyed at one another for interrupting sleep and we both manage to get back to sleep more easily if not worrying about disturbing the other.

Sleeping in separate beds doesn’t have to be a bad thing.

I know how you feel op.
My dh snored when he was heavier and rarely does now he’s slimmer but he still jumps in his sleep. He has night terrors though and we can’t do much about them. He also blows when he breathes out which is most annoying.
Could you get a new bed on interest free credit?
Would your dh change his eating habits and portion sizes until he is ready to tackle the weight gain, this is what we did initially? I realised we were cooking more food than we needed and buying a lot of cakes and biscuits.

Reading this haunts me. My last relationship failed due to the utter selfishness of my ex and his snoring. I left him in the end.

Hope you get it sorted OP, not all men are as selfish as my ex.

Has he suggested any solutions? Or is he expecting you to wave your magic wand and and fix it?

I agree that sleeping apart needn't necessarily kill your relationship, my parents have slept apart for decades due to my dad's heavy snoring and have been happily married for 52 years!

I agree with a PP that he should see a GP maybe. Sleep apnoea is when the persons breathing stops for a moment- does it ever seem like that happens? When you said he jumps, maybe that's it. He probably wouldn't want to see a doctor in case they mentioned his weight.

His not being prepared to do anything about his weight must be irritating.

I think I would just roll with having separate rooms- it isn't necessarily a bad thing. Maybe it feels like you shouldn't have to as he could possibly fix it by losing weight?

How is he as a husband in general?

He does not want to talk about weight however and does not feel he can do anything about his weight at the moment

I'm not sure I understand this. Is there some significant life factor going on which means he just isn't up to facing up to his weight gain at present? Just wondering when will be the right time - if not when it's causing him health issues, and upsetting his wife, then when?

He hasn't made any suggestions, other than agreeing to a new bed AFTER we slept in the hotel room- although I have been suggesting this for 2 years.
If we were to sleep in separate rooms, we would have to actively set aside time for intimacy- cuddling and sex etc. But it doesn't seem likely that he will and will just allow us to drift apart. I'm always asleep by the time he comes to bed as he turns in late. He won't have sex on the sofa either as it's expensive and he doesn't want to ruin it! He says that the floor is too uncomfortable 🙄.
He buries his head in the sand with everything- weight, our relationship. I'm the only one who proactively seeks solutions whilst he seems to just find reasons for things not to work.
It's very frustrating.
I see a new bed as the only way of possibly fixing some of this. He needs to lose weight for definite, but is addicted to food. He stays up late eating when Im in bed. It definitely wouldnt surprise me if he had sleep apnoea. I once suggested he go to his GP about it, but he shrugged it off and said he would prefer to lose weight instead. Still waiting though.

We have a king size zip together mattress ,really great.We got ours from Benson beds on interest free credit maybe that may be possible ?Otherwise maybe see if you can pick up a couple of cheapish twin beds.(Charity shops for the frame maybe and a couple of new mattresses?)Sleep is so important, I would definitely see if you can stretch to something like this if you can.Are you happy otherwise ? His weight gain is worrying too ,Does he have problems or stress and is a comfotr eater ?

So:

• he won't lose weight and wont8say when he will
• he won't change his sleep patterns to accomadate closeness
• he won't have sex anywhere but the bed, but also not IN the bed because you can't share

No wonder you think he won't put any effort into maintaining the relationship in separate beds, he's doing sweet FA to maintain it as it is!

Why are you with this Prince among men? What do you get out of all this effort you're putting in (genuine question)?

Although the sleep is not helping, is not the root of your problems - it's his attitude.

We sleep in separate beds 50% of the time (am very grateful to have a spare room), as we don't sleep well in the same bed, but make time to cuddle before bed.

DH and I have been married 50 years next year, and had always slept in the same bed, but just occasionally decamping to the spare bedroom, when one of us had a cough or cold and fidgeted a lot, disturbing the other's sleep.

Eventually about three or four years ago we mutually agreed it was crazy and now have a room each, as we kept each other awake , either snoring or fidgeting, and now it's so much better . We can still sleep together when we have guests using the spare room, but life is much easier now!

Although the sleep is not helping, is not the root of your problems - it's his attitude.

This

You can’t fix a marriage on your own. The physical exhaustion from disrupted sleep will be nothing compared to the emotional exhaustion, of realising that your H is not invested in your marriage.

Good luck.

I could have wrote your second update! Same with my DP, weight gain, snoring, secret eating and wont do anything to solve the problem. He never used to snore, I honestly wouldn't have continued a relationship with him as i'm such a light sleeper. He now sleeps downstairs as we have 2 children in the other 2 bedrooms and i still hear him snoring!

Sleeping seperately 100% saved our relationship, the anger and resentment I felt towards him lying awake listening to his snoring every night would have destroyed us. He makes half arsed attempts to lose weight, but never sees it through beyond a few lbs, so I told him that as the problem is his to sort, and he's choosing not to, he gets the shit end of the stick and sleeps on the sofa.

OP, I once had someone stayed in my house, he snored so loud that we could not sleep. I cannot understand how his wife put up with it in the same room and bed. He need to see the doctor and join the gym.

I feel sorry for so many people who have to put up with having someone snore so loud that they are unable to sleep.

What an arsehole. The common theme in all these threads about men disturbing their wives/partners sleep, which is torture, is the offence they take when suggesting they do something about it.

He gives no shits about your mental and physical health. The impact of long term sleep deprivation.

If you really want to stay with him, make the spare room your permanent bed and tell him if he wants you to share a bed to get off his arse and do something about it.

My STBX was exactly the same. I asked him for years to see his GP as I suspected he had sleep apnoea - he was always falling asleep in the day, was very grumpy and irritable. He eventually did go and was seen at a sleep clinic. The nurse said that undiagnosed sleep apnoea contributes to a lot of marriage break-ups, because it isn't just the snoring or sleep disturbance - it's also the behaviour as a result of the patient being so tired all the time. People can wake up to 100 times an hour if they are really bad, so not only does it impact on you, but their quality of sleep is rubbish too. My STBX started to use a CPAP machine (which isn't pretty I will admit) and his behaviour changed hugely. Unfortunately, it was too late for us and we are now separated. He still hasn't tackled his weight issue though!

Zip up king size bed would possibly help save your marriage? We have one in spare room. I’ve just googled and found one for less than £190.

He needs to want to fix his health, you can’t do that for him. My DH was very patient with me and weight loss. Slimming world was brilliant for me, 2 stones off and still much lighter several years later (despite the general mumsnet hatred for them)

www.divancentre.co.uk/windsor-5ft-zip-and-link-bed-with-10in-deep-medium-firm-mattresses?gclid=EAIaIQobChMIkuS7g46B6wIVWuztCh0RYQbdEAQYASABEgJk_vD_BwE

Thank you for the link.
It seems very cheap, that is my only concern, I'd rather buy something that is good quality and lasts.