Not even 35 and can't share a bed with DH

[Youremywaterfall]

DH is a fidgety, jumpy, heavy breathing, snoring sleeper. His weight is a hige factor in this I think as he was slimmer when we met and we never had any of these issues before.
He thrashes in his sleep and wakes me up, startles me and keeps me awake with extremely heavy breathing and snoring. He never used to snore at all, so this has come on along with weight gain. He does not want to talk about weight however and does not feel he can do anything about his weight at the moment.
We often sleep separately now in different rooms, which I love for the sake of a getting a good night's sleep, but this has taken a toll on our relationship after almost 3 years of this.
He comes to bed later than me and always wakes me up as he tosses and turns and seems to have to jump each time he does it as of it's an effort to turn over. I always wake up startled and find myself jumping awake in my sleep.
Before lockdown, we stayed in a hotel with a king-size zip and link bed, which was fantastic. Although he still woke me a couple of times with his snoring, I slept so much better. However, money is extremely tight for us at the moment and we can't even afford a new mattress for our king-size bed which I think would help enormously as we clearly need a new one and it's not helping things.
I'm not sure what we can do for the best at the moment? It will take us around a year to save for a new mattress, so what do we do until then? Continuing to sleep separately is driving us apart, but sleeping with him is causing me to feel exhausted. Of course, the other option is that he works on losing the excess weight, but he doesn't seem ready to do that.

I don’t understand why it will ruin your marriage. I can’t stand being touched when I sleep. I also don’t operate at the same temperature as my husband. I like a light duvet with nothing covering my feet. Why would you accept other people’s duvet preference and temperature preference? For your entire life! You do realise that good, uninterrupted sleep is essential for preventing things like Alzheimer’s? When you sleep it allows the brain to get rid of toxins. You are literally killing yourself if you insist on putting your need to be near him all night above your need to regenerating your brain.

"He buries his head in the sand with everything- weight, our relationship. I'm the only one who proactively seeks solutions whilst he seems to just find reasons for things not to work."

LTB
The bed is the least of your worries (although it's a big one!)

You need a zip and link and separate single duvets! We've just done this and it makes a really big difference as we aren't waking each other up by tugging on the duvet in the night. Can wrap yourselves up separately!

God if you added sniffing and grinding teeth you'd have been describing my ex husband. I couldn't sleep with it, just couldn't. We ended up in separate rooms, and eventually separate lives when he cheated.

He seemed to think it was my issue not being able to sleep next to him and did nothing about any of it. My current Partner does actually have apnea, but he doesn't jump and flip around in bed sending me flying, he just gently rolls over and continues snoring. I can deal with the snoring.

My DH grinds his teeth, bumps his teeth together, puff puff puffs and snores. Snores so much he wakes himself up. I snapped and said go to the Doctor. He got a referral to a sleep clinic but doesn't have anything wrong as such.

He's been given a mandibular re-positioner (a mouth guard, I call it his snore guard) and he is so quiet in bed now. It's got to the stage where he acknowledges HE sleeps better when he's wearing it. He packs it if he's going away on a business trip!

His is a bespoke version. I noticed Boots are selling mouldable ones now. Perhaps try that?

My DH is overweight too.

My DH's teeth are fucked after years and years of grinding. The guard is helping to protect his teeth a little. He used to wake up with a sore head and neck from all the grinding.

Such a horrible noise. My DD grinds her teeth too, especially when she's unwell.

Definitely worth finding a way to get a new bed.

Could you compromise on bed times? You stay up 30/40 minutes later if he comes to bed earlier? Meet somewhere in the middle? Might stop snacking as well!

Oh, I'm also considering sleep headphones with an eye mask. I might not listen to anything but it should mask any noise. Perhaps the eye mask/ear covering element would help you too?

Dh and I sleep separately but we always have a snuggle before bed and each morning, sometimes leads to sex, sometimes not. We're very close

Don't think sleeping apart damages a relationship that's otherwise good

It doesn't sound like there's much sex going on anyway, OP, so that's not really a reason to not have separate beds/rooms.

I agree with others that the bed issue is the least of your worries, but is the one it is easiest for you to focus on

Op, Choppedupapple found you a link, you instantly dismissed.

You want a quality bed rather than saving your marriage. I don't think the bed is your main problem, but that was a quick dismissal if you genuinely believe the bed is the problem.

Btw ikea has ok mattresses at ok prices, too.

Like everyone else, I don't think the issue here is the bed, I have slept separately on and off throughout my marriage, and it didn't impact anything else- but it sounds like your husband isn't keen on sex anyway, perhaps he feel self-conscious being bigger or perhaps he just isn't into it, but I get the feeling if you had a bigger bed, you would be alone in it mentally even if not physically.

If he was keen to have sex, keen to make your life better (through fixing or helping with the snoring) and keen to keep intimacy in your marriage, separate beds wouldn't be a problem.

I found having one large bed that one person sleeps in (so you can start there for cuddles) and then go to another bed to get your good night's rest works best.

This is all immaterial though, if he's not interested in solving any of your problems.

Look for shops which offer payment on the ''never, never'' - payment in instalments over 12 or 18 months.

But a new bed won't fix your relationship. Best case scenario it makes it ever so slightly more bearable for a bit longer.