Am I wrong for feeling uncomfortable/jealous of my boyfriend commenting about other women?

[driventodistractionk]

So I've been with my boyfriend for about 6 months now and everything is great. He compliments me all the time, tells me I'm the most beautiful girl he's ever seen and generally treats me really well. No qualms. He's quite traditional so there's not an inch of me that doesn't think he has good values. A few months ago we were watching a video together and he randomly blurted out this (in my opinion, quite unattractive) woman was cute.

I let it slide even though it sort of hurt. We then were watching some crappy reality tv show together and two different times, he said two of the girls were really pretty. I kind of questioned what he meant and then he said "I just think she's really good looking" I told him in a non-threatening/controlling way that I didn't particularly like him commenting about other girls like that in front of me. Especially because of the way he said it. He was kind of apologetic and said he didn't realise it would upset me.

The other night we were briefly watching some other tv show and some girl had a tube (probably due to an eating disorder) and he mentioned that a lot of girls do it for attention and then had to add in that it's usually the attractive ones.

The other day I was dropping him at work and along the way was a girl sitting at the bus stop, I swear from my memory he had to almost physically turn his head to have a look at her. I just thought it was quite weird.

As a result, this has sort of seared some form of anxiety in me. I now look at his female FB friends and see if he likes their photos, usually, he does. They're not really scantily dressed girls.

Now, I understand these sort of comments may be completely normal.

What do you suggest? Are my concerns ridiculous since we're happy together? Do I start doing the same to him?

You need to get a gentle grip on yourself. Other people are attractive-he’s only pointing that out.

Has jealousy always been a problem of yours?

He's not exactly going "phwoar I'd shag her".

DP and I regularly point out women and men we think are attractive.

And liking female friends normally clothes pictures doesn't seem to be an issue.

(eating disorder comment is odd tbf)

Sounds like he's almost making a point of looking at other women in your presence.

I'd be cautious.

Does he undercut your confidence in any other ways that seem innocuous/accidental on the surface, but might not be?

@jorisbonson

Can I ask in what way you find it a bit odd as well?

@category12 Thanks for your response. Do you have any examples?

I think it’s a sign of deep seated insecurity to be upset if your partner says someone on tv is attractive, although physically ogling women in front of you is not acceptable, if indeed that’s what he was looking at at the bus stop.

I’d maybe focus on your own insecurities and jealousy as otherwise you’re trying to find someone who can never mention another woman in your company And you can’t stop what they are thinking, even if they don’t say it.

Hmm. His comments seem fairly normal to me, except that he does seem to be making them rather frequently. I think the odd comment is ok, but if it happens all the time I'd find it a bit off putting.

and he mentioned that a lot of girls do it for attention and then had to add in that it's usually the attractive ones

sounds like a good old fashioned sexist to me.

Yes, I agree the tube comment is a nasty thing to say.

The eating disorder comment is outrageous! Is he quite young?? The looking at other people, men, nbd

Ha! I meant to say "meh" not men!!

I think that's a good question category12. Is he playing on your insecurities to undermine your confidence so he keeps you close because he's the insecure one ?
I think the best way to go is to learn not to care. Remind yourself that he chose you and you are gorgeous ! Jealousy will just eat away at you. Boost your self confidence instead.

@tenredthings I think it could be a factor of this at play. We are quite a few years apart (he's older) and to be frank, he makes it very clear that I'm almost too attractive for him. Just says in general that I'm above average attractiveness. I just don't understand why someone would do it this way, it just creates negative emotions. Thanks for the tips!

how old is he?

Mentioning someone on tv is attractive - ok

Pointedly turning to ogle a girl at a bus stop while in your company. Definitely not ok. Creepy and disrespectful to you.

Comments that basically pretty girls starve themselves for attention - not ok - thick, sexist twat

You do sound quite a jealous person and from your descriptions re his comments I wonder if hes doing it on purpose to wind you up. The comments sound quite frequent. And to pointedly perv over the girl at the bus stop when you have already told him you are not comfortable with this sort of thing makes me think it will get worse not better

The odd comment is fine, but not if it's often enough to seem deliberate and testing your reaction. As he thinks you're very attractive, it's a bit "... but don't think you're the only attractive woman around". The eating disorder comment is pretty nasty or displays real ignorance. How does he react if you casually comment on a good looking man?

I think that's a good questioncategory12. Is he playing on your insecurities to undermine your confidence so he keeps you close because he's the insecure one
If you think this is the case the you should be thinking hard about whether you should stay with him. You are only 6 months in and already feeling anxious, jealous and stalking his facebook. This isnt how people in decent relationships make each other feel. If you're like this after 6 months imagine how ground down you will be after a few years

and he mentioned that a lot of girls do it for attention and then had to add in that it's usually the attractive ones

Honestly this sounds like something an incel would say on a red pill reddit forum. It’s full of bitter neck beards all furious that the attractive they want won’t date them. All the while spewing poison that they’re too NICE for their own good and that the reason women won’t date them isn’t because they’re misogynistic losers who live in their parents basement, it’s because they’re “too nice”.

Your boyfriend sounds like a twat. Sorry.

Examples - little "jokes" that are always at your expense. Treating your opinions as a little bit silly. Taking over tasks you're doing because he can do them better or doing things for you that you can do perfectly well yourself. Making you feel somehow a bit incompetent or silly yet on the surface seeming to be on your side.

It depends how the comments are framed. I don’t mind DH commenting that someone is attractive. We both do the same and can each accept both the opposite and same sex is attractive. I probably wouldn’t like the head turning. Too much would upset me. It has to be respectful. I’ll admit to being a little insecure.

I totally disagree with the other posters, from experience.

He's a misogynist. Make no mistake. He's slowly drip feeding this in to make you think it's OK. He's trying to make you know that he checks out other women to undermine your confidence. He's also commenting on women with serious issues as being attention seekers. Red flag, red flags all over!

He'll get worse, he'll likely start with subtle negging comments about you, then move to subtle controlling behaviours.

Personally, I would strongly suggest you LTB before you lose any more of your self confidence but it's not always that simple. Read up on bad relationship behaviours, coercive control, gas lighting etc and open your eyes to his behaviour, and makes it easy to spot if it does escalate. Too often victims of this are too far down the rabbit hole to see what's happening to them, like a frog in slowly boiling water.

Occasionally DH and I will comment on a celebrity who we think is attractive but we'll discuss is as the whole person, I.e. we both really like Harry Styles because of how he pushes boundaries with his style, but also recognise he's a very talented performer. Obviously being very attractive is just part of the package. Not an issue. If DH or myself sat and said 'phwoar, they're attractive' in a predatory way, I'd be seriously questioning the underlying motive.

It can come from insecurity. If you're a lot more attractive than him and he knows it, it could be to try and bring you down a peg or two and make you think you're not out of his league.

Finding other people attractive = fine

The commenting (after you've told him you don't like it) head turning, etc = not so fine.

You are completely within your rights to set boundaries, and they are your boundaries; it doesn't matter if people on here or in real life agree with them or not. If he chooses to ignore them then that tells you all you need to know about him.

The problem for me is that you told him that you didn’t like it and he’s still doing it. I know this sort of thing can eat away at your confidence.

You find yourself sitting tense in a restaurant just waiting for him to start ogling other women.

It’s not a huge deal for him to keep his thoughts to himself. Why does he need to tell you that other women are hot? What does it add to your relationship?

I wouldn’t personally have any problem with any of it other than the eating disorder comment which is uninformed and misogynistic. It wouldn’t make me feel insecure, just grossed out that my partner had those views.
I don’t really think it’s reasonable to expect your partner to never find anyone else attractive as long as they live - that isn’t how it works in even the most monogamous of relationships, and it’s quite overbearing to expect otherwise. I think all you can do is just stress to him that you don’t like to hear it, but you have to accept he will still be thinking it.