Am I wrong for feeling uncomfortable/jealous of my boyfriend commenting about other women?

[driventodistractionk]

So I've been with my boyfriend for about 6 months now and everything is great. He compliments me all the time, tells me I'm the most beautiful girl he's ever seen and generally treats me really well. No qualms. He's quite traditional so there's not an inch of me that doesn't think he has good values. A few months ago we were watching a video together and he randomly blurted out this (in my opinion, quite unattractive) woman was cute.

I let it slide even though it sort of hurt. We then were watching some crappy reality tv show together and two different times, he said two of the girls were really pretty. I kind of questioned what he meant and then he said "I just think she's really good looking" I told him in a non-threatening/controlling way that I didn't particularly like him commenting about other girls like that in front of me. Especially because of the way he said it. He was kind of apologetic and said he didn't realise it would upset me.

The other night we were briefly watching some other tv show and some girl had a tube (probably due to an eating disorder) and he mentioned that a lot of girls do it for attention and then had to add in that it's usually the attractive ones.

The other day I was dropping him at work and along the way was a girl sitting at the bus stop, I swear from my memory he had to almost physically turn his head to have a look at her. I just thought it was quite weird.

As a result, this has sort of seared some form of anxiety in me. I now look at his female FB friends and see if he likes their photos, usually, he does. They're not really scantily dressed girls.

Now, I understand these sort of comments may be completely normal.

What do you suggest? Are my concerns ridiculous since we're happy together? Do I start doing the same to him?

I have an ex who did this, and it should have been a huge red flag- he was very misogynistic. I'm in a relationship now where we don't do this out of respect for each other. If you're unhappy with it, and I would be- especially the bus stop head turn, I would drop him now.

@Arrivederla @DemiL Thank you to both of you! Yes, it seems like he almost does the ogling/look intentionally as well. I remember a few weeks ago we were in a restaurant together and it was like he was deliberately looking at this middle-aged Asian woman when I looked at him.

Would doing it to him be worthwhile?

If so, some pointers please so it's not overtly obvious.

@Yellowranger Very interesting, thank you. As I used to be signed to a modelling agency here in Aus, I've got a few slightly revealing bikini shots on my Instagram. We were speaking of marriage a while ago and he questioned the photos I have but claimed to say he wouldn't ever tell me what to do, just was unsure why I would post revealing photos because I'm just 'too beautiful', apparently. At times, he does seem a bit misogynistic and double standards kinda thing. I just find it really hard to find men that don't have these views.

I wouldn’t like his comments at all.

Tbf I’ve never had a relationship with a man who would talk like that about women nor make it obvious they were looking at someone. The eating disorder comment was very weird.

@year5teacher Yes definitely agree that it's impossible to not find other people attractive, I do all the time but I feel I don't have the need to say it/show it in front of him.

I often say men on telly are handsome. I will also look at a man in the street if I think they’re fit but I do it in a discreet way because it’s pretty disrespectful to all involved to openly ogle someone. My partner also says when he thinks women are fit and I really have no problem with it - we would never say that about anyone we knew personally!

Just because I and others don’t mind it doesn’t mean you have to have no issue with it - but I would consider how secure you feel in yourself and the relationship. I think if my partner said I couldn’t ever mention if I thought a celebrity or someone on tv was hot then I would feel a bit about it.

The more you write, the more I feel that the issue is your partner just doesn’t respect women. It can be quite frightening for women to be openly ogled by a man in the street.

I wouldn't like it at all, OP, and in my (extensive) experience of dating it is not the norm for men to comment that they find other women attractive in front of me. Besides, you've told him that it upsets you, asked him not to do it, yet he still does it and that's a massive red flag for me. It's also disrespectful of him to make it obvious that he's looking. I fully expect any man I date to find other women hot, but what I absolutely insist on is that they have the respect and sensitivity not to keep reminding me of the fact. I don't like his attitude at all.

He sounds like a twat and he is trying to chip away at your self confidence. We all find members of the opposite sex (or same sex) attractive. That's normal. But each couple is different- some couples its pretty much unspoken, me and my partner will rarely mention anyone elses attractiveness and its usually in context of a conversation and causes no offence. But some couples both enjoy having a good look and see no harm in it, may buy each other calendars etc.
At the end of the day this guy acting like a sexist prick and is making you uncomfortable. Doesnt come across as harmless banter.

Would doing it to him be worthwhile?

Why would you waste your time and your life playing stupid games with this dickhead? Seriously, move on and find someone decent. He sounds more and more awful the more you post.

Btw is there any particular reason you needed to voice that the person he was ogling was a 'middle aged asian woman'

@XiCi Was more a form of expression, can see how it may come across politically incorrect. Truly meant no harm.

I tried doing it back and he didn’t even seem to notice. Honestly, I wouldn’t waste your energy.

I know exactly how it makes you feel. I wish you well. It sounds like you are too good for him.

I agree with Treacletoots. You're setting yourself up for a big fall there, OP. You don't really know him after only six months - and what you do know of him, you're making excuses for.

He doesn't think that you're too attractive for him. That is nonsense bollocks chat perpetuated by men who want to shut you up and give you something else to focus on.

It's up to you if you will put up with this. I wouldn't now but I might have when I was younger... and be kicking myself for putting myself through it.

There's nothing wrong with you being unhappy with this. Yes, it's normal for us all to recognize when people are attractive, but at the very least, his mentioning it when he's with a newish partner shows a lack of social skills; it's boarish.

His leering makes it seem like he views women as objects.

If it seems like he's deliberately doing the staring/head thing to fuck with you, that's even worse. What it would imply to me is he's telling you he is open to getting off with other women. If he genuinely feels inferior, maybe it's to make you feel insecure and to try and bring down your confidence a little, so you're more likely to stay with him.

At the end of the day, we can't know his motives for the staring etc, so what matters is he does it and it's not ok.

His comment about anorexia wasn't good- if someone has a medically prescribed feeding tube, the motivations behind them having got to that point of course can't be boiled down to wanting to get attention. His implying that attractive women are doing that to be looked at suggests he thinks attractive women are 'asking for' male attention.

As you know as you are one yourself, attractive women going about their day are not 'asking' to be leered at. Some women might dress mostly for attention I suppose, but a lot of them wouldn't find this leering pleasant.

He sounds quite disrespectful to me
Why would you stay with someone who makes misogynist comments?

OP, when you say "He's quite traditional so there's not an inch of me that doesn't think he has good values." you have made a massive incorrect assumption that his being 'traditional' equates to having 'good values', so you are dismissing his misogynist comments and thinking you can fix his endless ogling.

If your pointing out you don't like it wasn't enough for him to stop, then why would game-playing and tactics?? And if it did, it would indicate that he will only do what benefits him, and does not give a fig about your feelings on things.

And under 6 months in he is talking about marriage - another huge red flag. Google 'love-bombing' and 'fast-forwarding'.

This is not a good man, and this is early days in the relationship. You've only wasted 6 months so far. How much longer do you want to waste with him?

OP, why do you want a relationship with a man who makes you feel uncomfortable? A relationship where you’re having a war of attrition ogling other people to wind the other up is neither mature nor healthy. Why would you even want to engage in this?

Look, you’ve told this man you feel uncomfortable with him looking at and commenting on other women. Quite frankly I don’t blame you, it’s disrespectful to your partner to openly ogle others. Instead of taking on board your words and stopping the disrespectful behaviour that is making you uncomfortable, he’s taken your words on board and is now deliberately doing it more. What does that tell you about him OP? Does that tell you he’s a decent man who respects you and cares about your feelings?

I’m not even going to start in on his eating disorders comment it’s so outrageously ignorant and misogynistic.

Come on OP, look at this rationally. Is this a relationship where you think you will feel respected and supported? If the answer is ‘yeah, but...’ then the answer is no.

Lots of men look at other women...and lots of women look at other men and women who are attractive. I do it, other people do it. The bottom line is if you that in front of a partner, and make it obvious...you are a manipulative and disrespectful person who likes to grind the other down. I used to be a model back in my day...my kids would call that stone-age...I also went to University to get a postgraduate education. My ex-husband called me beautiful, stunning, gorgeous bla, bla. My ex-boyfriends have done the same...they all looked at other women less than discretely when out to dinner etc. They all got dumped for various reasons...but calling me beautiful was amongst them. It is such a superficial compliment...call me intelligent, call me a good mother, call me a skilled business woman, call me a great artist...I would thank you, don't tell me I am 'hot', 'lush', 'stunning' etc...I teach my daughter that the shop front is not important and the back room is what matters. If you married him, you may eventually get older looking and then you have to wonder if he would still fancy you. He likes you now for being young and beautiful...how would he feel when you have had a few kids, might be larger, with wrinkles...it happens to everyone, and there must be a foundation for a relationship based on a friendship as well as attraction. Tread carefully with this man, you may end up with the loser in the cafe who was leering at me in front of his wife and kids yesterday...I just pondered as to why she tolerated such behaviour.

was unsure why I would post revealing photos because I'm just 'too beautiful', apparently Eeeewwwww!! Red flag, red flag! Basically if I give you a complement I can slyly assert control what you wear and which pictures you post...

People find other people attractive-normal. That he needs to constantly tell you that he finds someone attractive is the issue. I agree with others that he is not confident and he is trying to make you feel insecure.
It's goady and he is wanting you to react imo.
My ex was like this and admitted that my good looks scared him and he was constantly worried I would run off with someone else.
My dp and myself don't feel the need to share if we occasionally briefly like the look of someone else.
We find all the "phwoar I so would" type comments on celeb etc pictures in front of their OH's on social media really odd.

@driventodistractionk

Just to say.... I get the impression that you feel that your attractiveness is a factor in how well you should be treated... Kind of that you are more attractive than others and therefore can't understand this even more. The fact is everyone deserves to be treated with respect in their relationship. And you aren't being treated with respect in this one.

Also, just the fact he commented on someone who you consider "quite unattractive" stuck out for me, alongside the "middle aged Asian woman". Neither of these women are your competitors. These comments in themselves are a tiny bit misogynistic. Don't let yourself look in the wrong direction to work out your feelings about this. Good luck.

I agree with Zenithbear, there's no need for me to tell my husband who I find attractive other than him and vice versa. I don't know why couples do this but it's just odd. Some involve other people in this pantomime and it's vomit-inducing. It's happened to me personally and I don't see that creepy couple anymore.

I imagine all the "Oooh, I so would" dribblers as those sort who would raucously screech at a stripper. As badly behaved as some men in strip clubs. Yuck.

The 'too beautiful ' comments made the hairs on my arm go up. It gave me the creeps.
I had a boyfriend years ago like this.
It started off that I was ' too beautiful "
Then it was ' I bet loads of blokes want to date you've
Then it ramped up to ' you think you are someone fucking special dont you!'
Thankfully my husband of the last 30 years has never connected like this, never commented on someone's attractiveness and never started at someone.
I'd think hed gone insane in the membrane if he did!
Your boyfriend is not very nice.
You said in your opening post that everything is great. Clearly it isnt.
You've asked him not to do something but he continues, he stares at people ( the crep) he has subtlety mentioned your insta photos. Come in, all this after 6 months!!

I's find it odd he's keep mentioning it, but some people put a lot of emphasis on looks. If it happens ever time you watch telly then that's too much, if it's three times in 6 months i doubt I'd have even noticed, and maybe you need to look at your own insecurities. I dated someone who genuinely found the female form attractive and liked looking. It wasn't in a pervy way, just the same was as a keen gardener would look at a nicely mown lawn (if that makes sense lol)

The comment about attention seeking sounds like a bit of good old sexism creeping out