Losing the will to live with OLD. Please help.

[6079SmithW]

I've been single for nearly two years since ending an abusive relationship in November 2018.
I'm 45. I like my life and independence, but I'm very lonely and would like so much to meet someone.
I'm on Tinder and Bumble. I get lots of matches but after that point it's been pretty much disaster.
I've had numerous men not look like their profile pictures or be shorter or heavier than they've claimed. I've had men ask me for money. I had horrible lecherous men who have openly looked me up and down like I'm in a cattle market.
I've been asked (in the initial conversation) on several occasions my clothes or bra size, favourite sexual positions and whether I spit or swallow. And I've had the attempted bullying and verbal abuse when I refuse to answer.
One man I was video chatting with (our first conversation), suddenly lowered the camera to show he was wanking. I dated another man for nearly four months before he told me he was still with his wife.
This weekend I had a date planned with a man I've been chatting to for over five weeks. Phone calls, messages, video chats, all going really well. Then Sunday morning he just ghosts and hasn't been in contact since.
I can't take any more disappointment. I can't take any more wankers or dickheads or bastards or liars.
Please help!

I'm a bloke and I cannot comprehend on what stratosphere any of the things you mentioned would even enter my head. Sounds like you have had horrid luck.

@6079SmithW

I've been single for nearly two years since ending an abusive relationship in November 2018. I'm 45. I like my life and independence, but I'm very lonely and would like so much to meet someone. I'm on Tinder and Bumble. I get lots of matches but after that point it's been pretty much disaster. I've had numerous men not look like their profile pictures or be shorter or heavier than they've claimed. I've had men ask me for money. I had horrible lecherous men who have openly looked me up and down like I'm in a cattle market. I've been asked (in the initial conversation) on several occasions my clothes or bra size, favourite sexual positions and whether I spit or swallow. And I've had the attempted bullying and verbal abuse when I refuse to answer. One man I was video chatting with (our first conversation), suddenly lowered the camera to show he was wanking. I dated another man for nearly four months before he told me he was still with his wife. This weekend I had a date planned with a man I've been chatting to for over five weeks. Phone calls, messages, video chats, all going really well. Then Sunday morning he just ghosts and hasn't been in contact since. I can't take any more disappointment. I can't take any more wankers or dickheads or bastards or liars. Please help!

I worked for match.com so I would recommend you go on a site where you actually pay a subscription. Men who are serious about dating will pay a subscription and not quibble about the £5 or whatever it is nowadays

Good luck

Mate I feel your pain ha ha. I've been single 3 years but wasnt interested in meeting anyone for the first 2 years. I'm getting to the point where I'm thinking, fuck it i think id rather just stay single and I think thats what I'm going to do. I've not used tinder, but I have used pof and recently joined bumble. I also paid for match once but in my experience, its the same blokes on all of the sites anyway,if they're on one they're on them all.

I'm a bloke and I cannot comprehend on what stratosphere any of the things you mentioned would even enter my head. Sounds like you have had horrid luck

Not true to your username then.

But seriously, I think well.sdjusyed blokes often think women are exaggerating or making stuff up when we recount the experiences of sexual.harsssment etc we've had; because they don't think or act like that, they don't realise the significant proportion of men who do .. and what a pall they cast in their activities.

I was so shocked that he was doing it (we weren't discussing anything remotely sexual or arousing) that I didn't even register his size. I just laughed.

Hopefully he thought you were laughing at his todger.

Ah, the comments you think.of after the event, but at the time mild end of the wedge (that we know of) sex offenders tend to put to totally on the back foot through shock etc.

Op one thing I forgot to say is that any dating coach worth their salt will tell you that old should only be one strand of your dating "strategy". I know it's difficult in these circumstances, but you have to try to expand and change the circles you are moving in through hobbies etc and keep.doing so until you meet potentials.

It's even possible with kids - I saw a lady with her child at a kayaking/paddling club I went to, they went out on one of the club's double kayaks. I do t know if she was single or not but if she was there were a couple if single men (not "young") who seemed on the lookout and one seemed lovely (the other was a nice guy in many ways but a little bit off the bracket).
Keep in mind that new female friends/acquaintances may have single male contacts (relatives, partners mates.etc.) too, any expansion and variation to the people you're meeting is a good thing.

Thanks again everyone for your comments.

@TheGodmother Would you really be that ruthless about deleting people? I suppose I always feel so lucky/flattered that anyone has matched with me I'm reluctant to delete anyone until I'm absolutely sure there's no mileage in it.

@Saucy99 I guess you must be one of the (rocking horse poo) good guys 🙂 The majority of men I have encountered have been just vile. I swear to God if my exDH wasn't such a nice man I don't think I'd believe they exist anymore.

@GilbertMarkham Hopefully he thought you were laughing at his todger. 🤣🤣🤣

OLD is a minefield and I can assure you that there are plenty of both sexes who are single for a reason!

I met several women who photograph much better than they actually look.
Several who are really hard to hold a conversation with when there isn't a screen between.
One who wanted to be showered with expensive gifts and hinted that sex would follow, oddly I didn't suggest a 2nd date but did buy the 2 round of drinks where I had coke and she had expensive cocktails before I made my excuses and left.

I also matched with a few who had clearly gotten themselves on the outside of half a bottle of wine just wanted me to talk dirty to them while they flicked the bean.
I even matched with one who when I mentioned that I sometimes cycle went into a full on rant about how much she hated cyclists and would happily crash into them and kill them on the road.

TBF I did really well on OLD and also matched with some lovely women however, I also have to thank my fellow males for setting the bar really low which made me look decent!!

About a year ago I matched with an amazing woman who has redefined my understanding of love and I really believe that "this" is my happy ever after.

So good luck, it can work.

Maybe learn to celebrate a single life well lived.Own your singledom. Invest in good sex toys.Or just FWB-less pressure/expecation. Ive been happily free of a partner for over 10 years. Would never inflict it on myself again..Too much submissionn and compromise. Read the Whoopi Goldberg bio-she has an enlightened view on coupledom & relationships (for the sake of anyone being better than no-one) because most people cant handle being on their own.

I agree with the owning your singledom. I finally got there after a long-term relationship ended several years ago.

After that breakup a d a period of mot even looking for anyone, I did OLD but was very picky and went on only a few dates with people. I had a full, busy and happy life and maybe that's why I felt I could be very choosy. I wasn't looking to fill a void, find happiness as I was already content.

I will be with someone I met online a year next month. He's gorgeous, hard working and incredibly kind. He also makes me laugh . He also lives a 10 min walk from me. Without OLD I am doubtful we would have met.

I certainly had my share of idiots as well when I was doing a lot of OLD in my younger years and at times became disheartened. For me, anyway, the key was not making OLD a real focus. I just left it in tbe background and only replied to those I really felt could go somewhere. It sounds ruthless but hey, it worked for me so far.

And as I use to remind myself: you only have to find one.

I personally only went on 9 dates in 2.5 years. I had a lot of interest but when I actually whittled it down to who was worth meeting, this was it and for 90% of those, it didn't even get past the first date. I'm seeing someone now who seems really lovely but it's a long time coming and even then it's still early days. We met up very quickly, within a week and actually met up as potential friends but then hit it off. I think you have to try and make it all less of a focus in your life so it doesnt overstress you. You are your own happiness. Celebrate what you have/are. Be picky and value yourself. I think that makes you less disappointed when people don't make the cut. But definitely keep putting yourself out there. I have several friends who met online and are together years later.

Unfortunately you need to pay for a different site if you want someone serious. I met dp OLD but it's cost around £100 for a 6 month membership. I did tinder as well but they were either after one thing or lying (about age mostly, some married)

I found occasionally I just needed to take a couple months break from it all. There are some weird people out ther e and the whole process can be quite judgey. I tried pof shortly after I moved house and went on date with someone I wouldn't normally have gone out with. Two years later baby on way and a wedding in planning, so it can work.

Welcome to the world of OLD. Regardless of whether you pay or not the outcome is the same. Yes there are more on the likes of tinder but there are also some genuine people there too. You need to develop a thick skin and unfortunately believe nothing until it happens. Meet quickly as many just want a pen pal. When it stops being fun take a break then go back. I don't know how many times I gave up deleted profile as the amount of crap that was there. I kept going back though as I wanted someone in my life as I got older to share experiences with. Two years ago I met a great guy on Bumble so I'm glad I persevered. Good luck

I met my fiance on tinder but it took a lot of weeding out. I agree with meeting up sooner rather than later, I think it was 10 days for our first date

@6079SmithW I would suggest the dating thread on here for some more advice . I agree with other posters having been on and off with it myself . It’s sad that it has got to be so sex focused I think when it began it was more for genuine relationships but now seems to be free for all pick up sites. I have had similar to you with sex talk from oaid sites so I think it makes no difference it’s about luck, perseverance and timing I think.
And as people say if it’s not fun then take regular breaks and be clear on your intentions and boundaries early on. Good luck 😀

It's happened again!
I had a date last night. We'd been talking on the phone for days beforehand and getting on really well so I was looking forward to it.
The date went really well (I thought). He asked for a second date. There was a fair amount of kissing.
This morning our match has been deleted from Tinder and his profile picture is missing from WhatsApp. I sent a quick "Hey, how are you?' message but it didn't deliver.
He's blocked me hasn't he??

OP, how long have you been communicating/talking to him before you met last night? People tends to have unreasonable expectations of actually meeting in real life.

Some will go along with the dates, but that do the unkind thing of just blocking. Do not over invest in chats/texts.

@Year2020 The thing is he was so enthusiastic throughout, planning future dates etc. I can accept that he may have gone home, thought it through and then changed his mind. It's that he didn't have the decency to just message me and say so. Just to block someone is so shit. ☹️

@6079SmithW I have just a similar experience got on really well one date , second one planned for tomorrow and he has been reading my messages for the last three days but not replying . It’s so annoying and frustrating don’t know whether to leave it or send him another text. It’s rude and cowardly what is wrong with these men ? No element of common decency what site was he from out of interest ?

@Msyoganidra32 This last one I met on Tinder, although it's happened to me with men from other sites before too.
I just feel really stupid.
And I'm really so embarrassed that I can't seem to tell who's trustworthy and who isn't.

I think match is crap actually- as is e-harmony. You pay and pay and specify what you do not like and who do you think contacts you? any man way above the age range you specified, with a long list of your non negotiable.Or worse, men with hidden profiles. It's crap and to worth the money. Men are on all the apps I found.

Bumble is not that good but I have had a few dates from there, as with Hinge. Downloaded Tinder and deleted after 15 minutes because I was shocked but tbh, the amount of Cinderella stories you get on MN you'd think that Tinder has the highest success rate of finding a top bloke

I don't get it.

*Tinderella not Cinderella

Completely agree with @TheGodmother. I found Match had the same amount of idiots as the free sites, and the same men across all sites 😂

I met my partner on a hook up site - wasn't expecting to but we met and fell in love.

With OLD you need to be ruthless like @TheGodmother says. Strengthen your boundaries and take no shite.

@6079SmithW it’s not you it’s them . They are mostly weirdos with issues or hang ups and I don’t think you can ever tell really . A lot of them are so good at lying and pretending that it is hard . Making me feel like giving up now it s too much effort you would have thought at my age 40s snd 50 s people would not be into all this game playing but sadly not