Losing the will to live with OLD. Please help.

[6079SmithW]

I've been single for nearly two years since ending an abusive relationship in November 2018.
I'm 45. I like my life and independence, but I'm very lonely and would like so much to meet someone.
I'm on Tinder and Bumble. I get lots of matches but after that point it's been pretty much disaster.
I've had numerous men not look like their profile pictures or be shorter or heavier than they've claimed. I've had men ask me for money. I had horrible lecherous men who have openly looked me up and down like I'm in a cattle market.
I've been asked (in the initial conversation) on several occasions my clothes or bra size, favourite sexual positions and whether I spit or swallow. And I've had the attempted bullying and verbal abuse when I refuse to answer.
One man I was video chatting with (our first conversation), suddenly lowered the camera to show he was wanking. I dated another man for nearly four months before he told me he was still with his wife.
This weekend I had a date planned with a man I've been chatting to for over five weeks. Phone calls, messages, video chats, all going really well. Then Sunday morning he just ghosts and hasn't been in contact since.
I can't take any more disappointment. I can't take any more wankers or dickheads or bastards or liars.
Please help!

[dafodilsunflower]

@6079SmithW - no worries. Best of luck with your search for work

[6079SmithW]

@missbunnyrabbit @PigglyWigglyWoo Nice to hear success stories 🙂

@dafodilsunflower Thanks for your post. I had started to feel like it was me. It doesn't help that due to covid19 I have recently been mad redundant too. No job, no boyfriend - I was feeling like a complete reject ☹️

[dafodilsunflower]

OP I can relate to you getting fed up with OLD. There are people who have met partners with OLD and it's all down to luck at the end of the day.

It's good to have breaks from OLD and keep standards high. I've had smutty videos sent to me. It's best to block them.

I personally haven't found paying dating sites much better than free ones. I've been propositioned for sex on the first date from a Bumble date (no thanks) and been asked for sex via a message after a first date I met on match.com. I also dated someone deceptive I met on a paying site and fell for him.

Don't ever think there's something wrong with you. It's a numbers game - sift through the ones who don't want the same things as you.

Hope you have some better dates in the future

[FatalDistraction]

I can't believe middle age men act like this around women who are in their 40's. Surely they have twigged that they won't fall for that shit?

I would have to have some fun with it. Asking about my bra size. I'd say "my breasts are a nightmare. They are way too big for my skinny frame. I used to be an underwear model but was told they are too big for normal adverts".

Then I would ask about them, "are you over 5ft 8"? What is your waist size? Are your shoulders smaller circumference than your waist. What shoe size are you? What % of hair do you have?" I'd tell them "Here's my measurements. I like a person who has high standards. What are yours? I don't do small, small feet and beer bellies. Also, I do't mind a bit of salt and pepper, but baldness makes me shudder. If you are loaded though, I can shut one eye to some of the above. Can't wait to meet'ya".

[GetThatHelmetOn]

re the wanker - I was so shocked that he was doing it (we weren't discussing anything remotely sexual or arousing) that I didn't even register his size. I just laughed.

I think this is part of the problem, next time don’t laugh, you don’t need to pretend you are enjoying what you find offensive, just block straight away.

[Nsky]

Oh dear, has happened to me, been on my own nearly 20 yrs ( boy through choice)
OLD can be dicey, move on from the losers and report the wankers, at 58 nearly invisible

[PigglyWigglyWoo]

And for a counter argument, he was abroad so we didn’t meet for 18 weeks!

[PigglyWigglyWoo]

I was on tinder for 5 years but in 2018 I met my boyfriend of almost 2 years. Tinder can work

[missbunnyrabbit]

I met my bf on Tinder and he's lovely. His best friend met his girlfriend on there too. One of my friends is getting married to someone from Tinder.

It's a load of luck and some tactics. You MUST meet up with people asap, do not waste time messaging. I would message for about two days and then ask to meet. Any weird comments, just unmatch. Be picky.

[FifteenToes]

HarmlessChap -

TBF I did really well on OLD and also matched with some lovely women however, I also have to thank my fellow males for setting the bar really low which made me look decent!!

Yeah, I'm recently separated and, while I'm not ready yet, thinking that eventually I will probably start OLD.

Reading threads like this makes me think that all I'll have to do is give an honest description of my looks, age and personality, and converse with whoever crosses my path like a half-decent half-civilised human being, and I'll be welcomed like a God in comparison. WTF is it with some men?

[Msyoganidra32]

Nothing wrong with wanting those things it’s natural not weak and I couldn’t agree more. If you were with someone who was decent then being in a relationship is good and you get those things . Sadly OLD is riddled with BS . Keep going OP you never know I guess ..

[6079SmithW]

@Woolwichgirl @Sally2791 @roarfeckingroarr

Thanks for your advice. I do appreciate the value in enjoying being single. I like my life a lot. I get to spend quality time with my DC, I do as I please, I don't have to consider anyone.

However when the DC are at their dad's I'm lonely sometimes. More than that I miss physical contact so much. I've always been like this. I had a (male) friend in university who used to cuddle me and let me sleep with him (really sleep not shag) because I was missing contact so much.

I love holding hands, kissing, cuddling. I love sex. It's easy to find sex if/when I want it, but I want to find a regular partner. And someone who I actually want to have a conversation with rather than want on a physical level (ie fancy the pants off). I want someone who is worth investing my time in, and feels that I am worth investing time in too.

Because I feel these things so strongly I don't think I can embrace being single. I can in the short term but definitely not as a choice for the long term. I appreciate that people will judge me as weak because I feel I need to be in a couple, but that's just the person I am.

[roarfeckingroarr]

It's not worth the hassle, is it? That's what it boils down to. I think I would focus on myself and friends.

[overacupcoffee]

Harmless little chap.- Love your response and dating stories!

For me, Tinder's full of all sorts
I agree be quicker to meet in person
I disagree with being to picky about them cancelling or not able to go first time.. we all have a life be willing to work out something that suits both of you
How is your profile and photo?
Be selective or if your doubtful delete..

The dating world is full of one offs and shallowness it is sifting through and finding a connection
Also as suggested find real life connections and contacts.
Mostly do not let all this tindering make you feel anything but good about yourself!!

[Sally2791]

I agree with enjoying singledom. Your experiences have shown how shoddy a lot of men’s behaviour is, it’s definitely better to be single than lonely within a rubbish relationship. Perhaps change your focus to spending your time really indulging your own needs, interests, passions, be that reading, sport, volunteering etc. It seems more likely that you would find happiness and fulfilment that way, with the possibility of meeting someone who genuinely shared your interests and values.

[Woolwichgirl]

Cant you just enjoy your singledom?
Are these men really worth the headache?
I mean if you are lonely theres always hobbies,girlfriends,church volunteering etc.
I know the above list wont give you butterflies in your stomach like a man would,but they come with less hassle.
I personally have been man free for a year plus and am happier for it.
Sex was always something I didnt care about so not missing out really.
I think the key is to love your own company.

[6079SmithW]

Thanks again for the responses. I know I need to get more resilient but I just feel absolutely defeated tonight.
I'm sad, and I'm lonely. But I'm also kind, clever, funny and interesting. It just seems that no one even wants to make the effort to find that out.
It's the fact that it's all so casually done. All the talking and dating and lie upon lie but it's so nonchalant that it doesn't even register. Then they just ghost. And probably pay no mind at all to how shit it can make a person feel. Where has common decency and respect gone??

[Msyoganidra32]

@6079SmithW it’s not you it’s them . They are mostly weirdos with issues or hang ups and I don’t think you can ever tell really . A lot of them are so good at lying and pretending that it is hard . Making me feel like giving up now it s too much effort you would have thought at my age 40s snd 50 s people would not be into all this game playing but sadly not

[BatshitCrazyWoman]

Completely agree with @TheGodmother. I found Match had the same amount of idiots as the free sites, and the same men across all sites 😂

I met my partner on a hook up site - wasn't expecting to but we met and fell in love.

With OLD you need to be ruthless like @TheGodmother says. Strengthen your boundaries and take no shite.

[LilMissRe]

*Tinderella not Cinderella

[LilMissRe]

I think match is crap actually- as is e-harmony. You pay and pay and specify what you do not like and who do you think contacts you? any man way above the age range you specified, with a long list of your non negotiable.Or worse, men with hidden profiles. It's crap and to worth the money. Men are on all the apps I found.

Bumble is not that good but I have had a few dates from there, as with Hinge. Downloaded Tinder and deleted after 15 minutes because I was shocked but tbh, the amount of Cinderella stories you get on MN you'd think that Tinder has the highest success rate of finding a top bloke

I don't get it.

[6079SmithW]

@Msyoganidra32 This last one I met on Tinder, although it's happened to me with men from other sites before too.
I just feel really stupid.
And I'm really so embarrassed that I can't seem to tell who's trustworthy and who isn't.

[Msyoganidra32]

@6079SmithW I have just a similar experience got on really well one date , second one planned for tomorrow and he has been reading my messages for the last three days but not replying . It’s so annoying and frustrating don’t know whether to leave it or send him another text. It’s rude and cowardly what is wrong with these men ? No element of common decency what site was he from out of interest ?

[6079SmithW]

@Year2020 The thing is he was so enthusiastic throughout, planning future dates etc. I can accept that he may have gone home, thought it through and then changed his mind. It's that he didn't have the decency to just message me and say so. Just to block someone is so shit. ☹️

[Year2020]

OP, how long have you been communicating/talking to him before you met last night? People tends to have unreasonable expectations of actually meeting in real life.

Some will go along with the dates, but that do the unkind thing of just blocking. Do not over invest in chats/texts.