Can’t see the wood for the trees, red flags or not?

[CarbonD]

Quite a short term relationship, 8 months. I was single for 4 years beforehand. Both of us have children.

DP has always been quite happy with his own space so for example if we had a child free weekend he would only come and stay for one night, preferring the other one to himself. This has now evolved into frequently not coming when he has the opportunity as he needs down time. We can go 2-3 weeks without seeing each other.

He knows I would rather see him more. I feel that especially in the beginning of a relationship we should want to spend time with with each other, baring in mind between the kids being around it would still only be 2 nights a week max.

I’ve given up trying to talk to him about it now, he is who he is (his line) and I knew he liked time to himself. Possible flag 1?

The last week or so there has been quite a bit of tension between us. I’m struggling a lot with work stuff/pandemic/kids etc. He had no kids this weekend and asked me what night I wanted to choose for him to come over (obviously I couldn’t have both). It pissed me off and I’ll admit I’ve been off with him. He messaged me repeatedly this evening saying “why are you even with me, sick of being made out to be the worst boyfriend ever”. He said I am very vocal with my criticism of him and “provocative” with statements and frankly I’m acting like a bitch. Which ended with “just be nicer”. That really hurt my feelings and I told him it did. I got another long missive from him which ended with it being his final word on it tonight and I haven’t heard from him since.

I feel like I cannot ever say anything to him if I am unhappy because I am criticising him, nagging or clearly unhappy. For fairness sake if he was here he would say he always tries to take my feedback on board but he’s had enough of my “brutal words”

I don’t know anymore if I am being a bitch or if he is twisting my words

You may want to see him more, but it appears he has been very clear from the beginning as to how invested he is. He simply doesn't want the level of commitment you do. He's also a prick, so I hope you see that you can do better.

You're not being a bitch. Basically he wants a shag once a week. Nothing more, nothing less. He certainly doesn't want any "emotional stuff". Please raise your bar

Give him space. Permanently. You deserve more than the crumbs of time he is willing to give up.

If by red flag you mean is this a sign the relationship won't work, then yes. These are red flags.

Ultimately, he doesn't want the same things from a relationship that you do. He is not willing to compromise and is uninterested in taking the relationship further. You are. You are putting pressure on him. He doesn't like that and thinks its unfair (he's right). But you don't have to accept his behaviour either. This isn't what you want or need, so move on.

So he said "Why are you even with me?" - I would reply and say "You're right, we are looking for different things, it's best that we split up.Goodbye."

You're not getting what you want and doesn't sound like you will so end it now and move on. As a pp said, he seems to just want you for sex once a week...

At 8 months in, I was seeing my dp once a week, maybe twice... it took a long time for it to develop naturally beyond that. He isn't being horrible just by wanting to keep his space. He just isn't like you, that's all.

You do kind of have to accept people as they are, you know that don't you? If he isn't for you, then let him go, don't try to cajole him into being someone different from who he is.

If his preferences hurt you, then the answer is to dump him, not to try to argue with him or tell him he should have different preferences. With respect, you have known him 8 months, you aren't in charge of him.

Your only 8 months into the relationship and not happy. It doesn’t sound worth it

8 months in and all this crap.
Really!?
What is the point if him?
Where is this going?
He’s just not that into you.
He can happily go weeks without seeing you.
Take the hint.
This is not working for you.
So end it!!!

8 months in it should all still be fresh and exciting and wanting to spend much more time together.

Having his own space is fine but being free a whole weekend I would expect that to be a few hours not half of it.

You want different things.

You want the relationship to develop, to get closer and more 'real', including sharing your feelings.

He wants something casual, that he can drop or pick up as he pleases, without 'hassle'. He's told you so.

Dump him and get on with your life, because as long as you're with him, your whole life in on 'pause'.

Do you have sex each time you meet? If so it’s likely that your dates/time together just sync with his sex drive.

You can tell a lot about people by how the deal with issues - eg aim to resolve a problem by listening, finding common ground in a collaborative, calm, emotionally mature adult way - or they take all feedback or issue as personal criticism, get defensive, it’s escalates to conflict and them attacking you and blaming you. Totally destructive, stubborn and emotionally stunted.

Sounds like he is the latter type.
Why did his marriage end......?

It sounds like this isn't going anywhere now, if you've barely seeing him and he won't ever let you talk about how you feel, and doesn't want to do anything about it. If he outright called you a bitch that's verbal abuse.

If he can not see you for weeks at a time and it's not even an LDR, then it's dead really.

It sounds like you spend a lot of time arguing, which isn't relationship 'goals,' especially at the start of a relationship.

Does he work? If so I would be the same TBH, I would want at least one day/night at the weekend to relax, have my own space and do my own thing. It's not something I can do to anywhere near the same extent with anyone else around. I'm like that anyway even though I'm not working.

If he has his own kids he has at weekends sometimes, a little rare time of a weekend to himself will be even more precious and important.

You want different things/extent of time with other, so he isn't the man for you. You don't want a partner who talks to you like this either- no-one does.

8 months in and you see each other a couple of times a month at the most? I think this is very unusual and most people wouldn't be happy with this situation and would want to see each other more. How do you communicate outside of seeing each other.

I've been with my BF just over a year. We see each other about twice a week. I have my teenagers full time and he's living with a parent currently otherwise I think we would have naturally increased this.

It doesn't work for you. And wouldn't work for most people. I'd end this now.

I wouldn't say it is a red flag that he might want some time to himself when he doesn't have the kids. You are still only 8 months into the relationship. However, it's the way he is handling it that seems to be more of a red flag than the commitment of time.

It sounds like you are both on different pages, you want more commitment than he can give at the moment. I wouldn't presume (like other PP) that he's just using you as and when. Why can't he have some free time to himself when his kids aren't there? Why should he have to assign every free weekend to you? If you were 2 years into the relationship I'd say you were right to be questioning it, but it really is still early days. I'm 9 months into a LDR and this weekend I'm not spending it with my DP because I fancy a weekend to myself while my DC is at their dad's. I just want to take some time to do stuff on my own and have a list of things I want to do which I couldn't do if he was visiting me. My DP is fully fine with that. There's no grumping about it at all. It's all about being respectful and considerate of one another.

You do not want the same things.

There would be no flags of any kind if you were also only wanting the occasional shag. But you want more. His response to you discussing this shows you he isn't going to change, so you are not going to be happy in this relationship - like the vast majority of people I would think. Although what other people think really shouldn't matter - this is about what YOU want in a relationship. It's perfectly possible to have a relationship where the first year iss romance and being excited to see eachother.

Bin him off and get on with finding that.

Sex...frequently doesn’t happen. He has a low libido although is working on it

He does work, has a match once a week on a Sunday (although this has only just started again covid etc)

I think you’re all saying the same thing I’ve been saying to him. He likes having a girlfriend but on his terms only. To fit in around his life and his schedule and what he wants and needs. He’s very reasonable when we are talking and takes feedback on board but then this explosion yesterday that I am very critical/making him feel like shit/clearly don’t like him for him.

He messaged and apologised this morning, said he’d lost his temper because of a joke I made about sex. I asked him to come over this evening but he won’t as feels we need time to calm down

Why did you ask him to come over?

Are you going to use this thread to explain to him that he shouldn't be the way he is? Because that would be really stupid, and cruel.

He has been really clear about what he wants. You dont want what he wants. Why not just end it so everyone can be happier?

Because we’re adults, we are both free and I don’t really want to discuss things over text like children.

This comment from your initial post:

I feel like I cannot ever say anything to him if I am unhappy because I am criticising him, nagging or clearly unhappy.

Doesn’t seem consistent with you recent post:

He’s very reasonable when we are talking and takes feedback on board but then this explosion yesterday

What are YOUR real feelings? Are you back tracking and minimising his behaviours because the fear of being single again is overwhelming?

He was v nasty, emotionally abusive and volatile. But all he has to do is apologise for his outburst, scares you into silence and he gets to keep the status quo without further discussion.

What happened in your previous relationships for you to consider this acceptable?

Why did his marriage end?

said he'd lost his temper because of a joke I made about sex

Right - here we go. He has just told you that he lost his temper and it was your fault for making him annoyed.

In other words, he is making it clear that you need to be a good girl and not do anything to make him annoyed, because he will lose his temper again, and you don't want that, do you?

Massive red flag.

Why on earth would you insist on repeating this toxic pattern of self sabotage?

He is making excuses NOT to see you. He’s not into sex and if anyone sent me a long missive concluding a this is the “last word on this tonight” comment, it would indeed be the last word he’d say to me.

This is a piss poor relationship and you know it. There are lots of men looking for their other half, one they can’t wait to be with, love just spending time with AND fancy the knickers off. The sooner you end it with this guy and stop wasting your own time, the sooner you’ll find the one who makes everything better.

I'd end it. You're not happy. There's no compromising and you both want different things from a relationship.

You're clutching at straws if you think the relationship has a future, or will even go anywhere near meeting your needs, as it's all one-sided.

Please focus your energy on finding someone who will appreciate you for who you are and who knows the meaning of compromise and sharing; and leave the egoist to do his own thing as this is clearly all he wants to do.

@CarbonD

Because we’re adults, we are both free and I don’t really want to discuss things over text like children.

What is there to discuss? Are you saying you are going to dump him face to face because that's more adult, or are you hoping to locate the magic words that will make him not be the person he has consistently told you, and shown you, he is?

If it's the latter, I promise you you'll be SO MUCH happier the day you learn that you can just accept people as they are. You do not have to struggle with this one guy who isn't that bothered about you. There are billions of men out there. Literally. It doesn't need to be such a struggle and drama.

I’d end it. He’s either not that into you, not into a relationship or is a selfish control freak.