Can’t see the wood for the trees, red flags or not?

[CarbonD]

Quite a short term relationship, 8 months. I was single for 4 years beforehand. Both of us have children.

DP has always been quite happy with his own space so for example if we had a child free weekend he would only come and stay for one night, preferring the other one to himself. This has now evolved into frequently not coming when he has the opportunity as he needs down time. We can go 2-3 weeks without seeing each other.

He knows I would rather see him more. I feel that especially in the beginning of a relationship we should want to spend time with with each other, baring in mind between the kids being around it would still only be 2 nights a week max.

I’ve given up trying to talk to him about it now, he is who he is (his line) and I knew he liked time to himself. Possible flag 1?

The last week or so there has been quite a bit of tension between us. I’m struggling a lot with work stuff/pandemic/kids etc. He had no kids this weekend and asked me what night I wanted to choose for him to come over (obviously I couldn’t have both). It pissed me off and I’ll admit I’ve been off with him. He messaged me repeatedly this evening saying “why are you even with me, sick of being made out to be the worst boyfriend ever”. He said I am very vocal with my criticism of him and “provocative” with statements and frankly I’m acting like a bitch. Which ended with “just be nicer”. That really hurt my feelings and I told him it did. I got another long missive from him which ended with it being his final word on it tonight and I haven’t heard from him since.

I feel like I cannot ever say anything to him if I am unhappy because I am criticising him, nagging or clearly unhappy. For fairness sake if he was here he would say he always tries to take my feedback on board but he’s had enough of my “brutal words”

I don’t know anymore if I am being a bitch or if he is twisting my words

This is going nowhere.

I really don’t see what he’s done wrong. It sounds like he’s always been honest and consistent about how much time he has available for you, but when he asked when you’d like to see him you got “pissed off” and “a bit off with him”. If you keep complaining to him about the amount of time he spends with you when he’s been clear and consistent, maybe he feels you’re not listening or don’t accept him and he’s annoyed by that.

You sounds like you want different things & aren’t very compatible because of that.

He’s very reasonable when we are talking and takes feedback on board

^

OMG. We'll tell HIM to run. Feedback?!

If I was in a new relationship and was told to “just be nicer” I’d be telling him to fuck right off, tbh.
This is going nowhere. Bin it.

@kerfuffling has it spot on.

So you told him how you feel and he said you were being a bitch??
You're allowed to express your needs, doesn't make you a bitch.
He's allowed to not want to see you more but honestly why are you bothering? You shouldn't have to practically beg for more time with him.

And the saying you make him feel bad is a red flag. He needs to own his feelings, not blame you. It's prob cos he does feel bad but that's YOUR fault in his head.

And not even enough sex?
What is the point of him in your life???

I don't think it's a red flag. He's told you what he wants out of the relationship, he's shown you what he wants from the relationship. You now have to make the decision about wether or not YOU are happy with the relationship he's offering. I'm guessing not. He's been quite clear so now you need to decide. Stay or leave.

Yea I also think he’s shown you and told you what sort of relationship he wants. It’s not what you want and neither of you are wrong per se, it just doesn’t match. You don’t want to end up in a situation where you’re getting less than you need or he is giving more than he wants to as then it’s tension and resentment for you both.

I’d definitely end it because I can’t see it getting to a stage where you’re both happy.

I find generally with misogynistic men that if you don't behave in the way they want you to behave you are suddenly mad or a bitch or provocative, you are not allowed to have an opinion and if you do you are a ball breaker.
Whereas he of course was always open about having his own time therefore needs to make no compromises because "he is who he is".
He'd be dumped if he was my boyfriend.

He's not your partner. You are perhaps a convenient person to use to normalise the image he sells of himself to others and whatever he does the rest of the time.

Are you sure he's not still with his children's mother?

You are not nearly high enough up on his agenda.