No birthday present or surprise from fiancée

[kedooo]

Just wondered what people's opinions are on this. So it was my birthday today, me and my fiancée went out for a meal which he paid for Saturday eve. Saturday daytime he said he needed to nip in the shops when we were in town and get me a card and present as he hadn't had time (work has been v.busy). He asked what I wanted and I said I wasn't sure, as the shops were so busy I said not to worry and he said he would transfer me money which he did.

This morning he didn't get me a cake, put up any banners/breakfast in bed/no flowers/chocolates. I'm not materialistic at all and I prefer thoughtful little surprises like this to anything else. I always do things like this for his birthday. My feelings are hurt but he is loving in other ways. Starting to feel like he maybe is taking me for granted and doesn't feel like he needs to make the effort anymore. I think even if work is busy and he hasn't had time to go shopping he could order a present online, AIBU?

I take your point that she could have said please buy me a present online but really anyone with any common sense would know to buy their fiance a present in advance of her birthday

Again, it isn't difficult, if you live with someone to know what they like and buy it

Sounds like you need to discuss what both of your “love languages” are. Gift giving isn’t a love language for me or my partner so we often don’t give gifts and genuinely neither of us care. Often couples have different love languages but having a conversation about what they are saves a lot of unnecessary disappointment.

You can have whatever “fuss” you want on your birthday. It’s your day - do whatever makes you happy.

It’s irrelevant if some random strangers on the internet state they don’t do or like x, y, z
on their birthdays.

Everyone has different expectations, experiences, family traditions. Even you as a couple, within the same family - you might like x - he might hate that and like y.

The important bit is not feeling uncomfortable stating what you would like and being honest about it.

You sort of shot yourself in the foot here - by being too “nice and accommodating”

• when that wasn’t really how you were feeling. Were you brought up to be too polite and people please? If so you will be familiar with the “consent and resent” loop. Agreeing to something you don’t really want to do and seething silently all the way through it.

I would take responsibility for the outcome and be cross with myself for not communicating my needs/wants clearly.....and then I would set about putting it right.

So if your DF is a nice guy just say - can we start the birthday thing again - can you do breakfast, gift, cake, banners etc this weekend instead. If he is run off his feet you can send him links to a shortlist of banners, cake, gifts that do click and collect of delivery.

Listen to your feelings, speak up - turn this around - don’t let poor communication grow and fester into something else - contempt and bitterness.

Enjoy your pregnancy, engagement, wedding, DF.....

You told him not to bother, but wanted him to bother. I would give him credit for actually listening and respecting what you say. This is of greater value that any gift.

If you want something, say it. You are headed for a lifetime of disappointment if you expect mind games to pay off.

@LordOftheRingz

You told him not to bother, but wanted him to bother. I would give him credit for actually listening and respecting what you say. This is of greater value that any gift.

If you want something, say it. You are headed for a lifetime of disappointment if you expect mind games to pay off.

She never told him not to bother though. She told him not to worry about going to the shops. Three days before her birthday, because she's pregnant and is worried about unnecessary trips at the moment. On Saturday he could have ordered something for Monday delivery, he could have made an effort in another way. She never told him not to do anything.

It all sounds very OTT. If you want a fanfare, be explicit when you are asked what you want.

I don't agree with balloons or banners in adulthood but I also have a dh who doesnt really do much for birthdays as he get up in a house where all clothes were hand me downs and an apple on a Friday was a treat. You grew up in a house where bunting etc is normal and you told him not to worry about the present as shops were busy. I have to send mine a link to a specific thing

Learn a lesson from it and don't make a fuss for his next birthday

Learn a lesson from it and don't make a fuss for his next birthday

Jesus - don’t do this - it’s just a race to the bottom......

Speak to him - ask him what he likes on his birthday, tell him what you like ..... also think ahead to other annual celebrations Xmas, mother’s day, Father’s Day etc so you can have clear communication about how and where you spend these.

Yes, the lesson is to ask him what he'd like, rather than just do whatever you like for yourself.

Goodness gracious, we're in the middle of a horrible global pandemic that's killing people around the world, with people social distancing, avoiding crowded places etc., he took you out for dinner on your birthday and offered to go out to get you a gift despite the situation right now, and you told him yourself not to worry about it and he transferred the money to you so you could buy whatever you desired. Unless his behaviour has become less loving in other ways why make such a big deal about a complete non issue? He made effort for your bday, it's not like he forgot about it (if this was the case I'd understand if you were upset). Tbh sounds very spoilt to me to be expecting balloons, banners etc like a child considering the life changing situation we're all in! I dont know if hormones are playing a part but in the kindest possible way, count your blessings OP and get a sense of perspective, a lot of people have suffered a lot in the last few months. All the best with your pregnancy