No birthday present or surprise from fiancée

[kedooo]

Just wondered what people's opinions are on this. So it was my birthday today, me and my fiancée went out for a meal which he paid for Saturday eve. Saturday daytime he said he needed to nip in the shops when we were in town and get me a card and present as he hadn't had time (work has been v.busy). He asked what I wanted and I said I wasn't sure, as the shops were so busy I said not to worry and he said he would transfer me money which he did.

This morning he didn't get me a cake, put up any banners/breakfast in bed/no flowers/chocolates. I'm not materialistic at all and I prefer thoughtful little surprises like this to anything else. I always do things like this for his birthday. My feelings are hurt but he is loving in other ways. Starting to feel like he maybe is taking me for granted and doesn't feel like he needs to make the effort anymore. I think even if work is busy and he hasn't had time to go shopping he could order a present online, AIBU?

If I was you I’d talk to your fiancé and explain what you expect. But you need to realise that not everyone does birthdays in the same way and if that’s not his family experience he might find it strange.

In the kindest way OP YABU. I get it you wanted something special and being pregnant doesn’t help with hormones but you told him not to bother and to transfer you the money! Yes he could have got you something online but I suspect he assumed that transferring you the money covered it and you’d buy something you wanted yourself. That’s what I’d take from that

Does he usually do all the flowers, balloons, breakfast in bed circus? If yes then he’s mean for not doing it this year. It no well then you Can’t really be cross at him for not doing something he never does! Unless you asked him to do it.

I think it’s lovely you do it for him / friends etc. I like to make a big fuss of birthdays but I fully accept my DH was raised differently and that’s not how they do birthdays so unless I tell him that’s what i want (which I personally don’t) then I wouldn’t get it. I do however get DH and the kids all pilling into bed with me to open presents because that’s how he / his family did birthdays.

Mumsnet is a different world when it comes to birthdays.

We always make a fuss, special treats, birthday cakes, banners, presents on our birthdays and our adult sons birthday - I said there was nothing I needed for my birthday last week but was bought a heap of presents by my partner and eldest son regardless.
I can understand your disappointment OP.

How has been on previous birthdays? I assume you’ve had birthdays together previously since you’re 32 weeks pregnant?

Did you not talk about values, expectations and life together before committing to a child?

I think you need to start communicating a bit better going forwards.

I think with most men, they believe what you tell them. Tell them you are fine and they think you are fine. You told him what to give you for your birthday and he did it.

I can’t imagine a lot of males who would put banners up etc unless it was a milestone birthday. The only guys I have seen go over the top like this has been to make themselves look good - usually they will stick it on Facebook so everyone can see what a good partner/husband they are.

I would hate something like this to happen so I'm really direct with my DP. I give him a prod the week before my birthday and jokingly say 'here you, I'm looking forward to my champagne and diamonds very soon!' (Never asked for diamonds for real BTW!) He's not let me down so far. Unlike Valentines where I thought he really meant 'Let's not do gifts.' That was awful...

Well he was going to get you a card and present but you told him not to. In the future if you do want those things then don't tell him not to get them. He took you out for a nice meal - so the occasion has been celebrated. He's been busy and stressed at work. Honestly wanting banners and balloons as an adult I find strange.

The whole thing just sounds so exhausting and demanding, saying one thing but meaning another, expecting so much fuss...

Balloons and banners are for special birthdays like 21st or for kids. You did say 'don't worry' and he transferred money for you. Maybe he isn't one to make a fuss on birthdays. Some people are and some don't see the point. I think it's a combination of being busy and not having that family history of making a fuss. If he's a good person otherwise then I'd leave it.

I think if he's taken you for a meal out and transferred some money (so he has given you a present) I would say he's done enough.

So he bought dinner out, a card and as you didn’t know what you wanted, transferred money for a present. Sounds fine to me. The big birthday fuss is for children imo.

Why would you expect cake at breakfast time? And banners? What a brute - I bet he didn't play Pin the Donkey either!

Is transferring money really good enough? A present is supposed to be something you choose for someone hoping they like it. I'd have told my dh not to bother if he just wanted to give me money rather than putting any thought or effort into buying me something.

Does he usually do banners, flowers, chocolates, cake and breakfast in bed? I know you do, but does he? Different people celebrate birthdays in different ways, as evidenced above.

To me, as he took you for dinner, bought a card, offered to go and buy a gift but you told him not to, he’s done his bit, but if you don’t feel he’s made enough effort, you must TELL HIM, or you’ll be disappointed every year.

@Shoxfordian

Is transferring money really good enough? A present is supposed to be something you choose for someone hoping they like it. I'd have told my dh not to bother if he just wanted to give me money rather than putting any thought or effort into buying me something.

Strokes/folks. I’d prefer it. I’m fussy, and would rather choose for myself.

@Shoxfordian but he tried to buy her a gift and she said kit to bother. He offered to transfer her the money and did so. I’m assume she accepted his offer of the money and didn’t say we’ll know actually I’d like you to get me a gift just not in the shops so maybe look on lone. Poor bloke isn’t a mind reader. She also said she didn’t know what she wanted another reason he gave her money so she could chose something to buy when she was ready! Not everyone is good at buying thoughtful gifts without an idea of what the person wants. I’m great at it always get my family and friends gifts they love and suit their tastes but my poor husband is rubbish so is my best friend. She’s always asking how I think of these things.

Personally I’d be fine being transfer money I much prefer being able to buy my own gift that I want rather than receiving something I didn’t want that doesn’t suit my tastes.

Is transferring money really good enough?

@Shoxfordian I would find it a bit weird, too. That's more like something a parent would do. But apparently OP agreed to it.

Honesty is the answer.

Don't say not to worry or agree to have money transfered if that's not what you want.

Explain to him that you're used to a big fuss on your birthday, and you'd like him to make a big fuss too.
You say you put banners and balloons, but how do you know that's what people wanted?

We have been together 30 years and still do balloons, banners etc for birthdays plus wrapped nice presents and cards
Mumsnet is the only place I know where you're deemed to be childish if you like a fuss on your birthday!

Seriously, you need to let him know that this important to you or you will be on here crying about lack of mothers day effirt/Christmas presents etc for years.
And some people will always say ' oh well men don't think about things like thst"

I don't think he has to be a mind reader to know things that she likes and then buy them

It's really not that hard

Speak to him about what you want! You said nothing and he took you at your word.

@Shoxfordian he offered to buy her a present she said not to bother. She didn’t say don’t buy me one here at the shops I’m nervous about Covid being pregnant but I’d like one so get online please she said not to bother. Instead he offered and presumably she accepted the transfer of money

So yes apparently he does need to be a mind reader to understand that rejecting the offer of a present and accepting the offer of money transferred actually does me no I want you to buy me a gift

@Shoxfordian

I totally agree with you. Also, the OP says she's not materialistic and would have been happy with some thoughtful little surprises. She doesn't sound high maintenance at all really. She just wanted an effort. Is breakfast in bed really too much? Or flowers? Or a thoughtful little present that he chose? Especially a present that he chose.... If I was 32 weeks pregnant in the middle of a global pandemic .... I would be expecting a mini parade to cheer me up! ( Obviously I wouldn't get one lol).

PP are saying some people don't make a fuss on birthdays... The OP isn't one of those people and her partner should know that by now. And I think that's the real problem tbh.

It shouldn't have got to the point where he was offering to buy her a present! Anyone would feel awkward if asked that!
The present should have been boxed off ready and wrapped!

It wouldn't occur to me to put up banners and balloons for an adult, unless it was their 50th or something.

I've never had it done for me or seen it done for anyone over the age of about 12!

I think if he normally does banners /balloons/breakfast in bed then it was a bit miserable of him not to do it this year, especially as you are pregnant and everything is a bit unpleasant at the moment. But if he doesn’t normally do them then you can’t be that surprised that he didn’t this year. Is it a milestone birthday? That might explain why you’d expect things to be a bit different to normal.

For what it’s worth, I don’t think you’re being unreasonable in liking a bit of fuss. We always have a banner or balloons if it’s someone’s birthday and everyone gets a cake. We used to get made a fuss of when we were children and it’s carried on in to adulthood with us doing the same for our parents and partners. I don’t understand the miserable attitude to adult birthdays that some people have!