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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Why won't he meet in real life

81 replies

averybumpyride · 03/08/2020 18:20

Hi. I've recently started dating again after being widowed in my 30s. My DH is now dead just over 4 year and I have 2 children.
So I met this guy on tinder just over 3 weeks ago. We started texting and he ticked so many boxes. I really like him and we seem to have loads in common. He seems to really like me too sometimes texting all day. I know he is who he says he is cause a friend of the family knows him and says that he is a really nice guy but very shy. He also only lives 3 miles from my house. So after a few days into texting I tried hinting to him about meeting up. He didn't pick up on it so I had to ask him out myself eventually. He gave several reasons why he couldn't but said maybe another time. After a while I asked him out again and this time he gave several excuses about being too busy to be in a relationship and didn't think is was fair for him to meet me when he couldn't commit. I tried stopping the messaging but he asked if we could continue to text as friends. Against better judgment I agreed but after a few days in I said I couldn't keep texting as friends without ever meeting him. He then agreed to meet as friends but when I tried the following day to pin him down to a day he started to back off again. Am I completely wasting my time here. I do believe he is very shy and he told me he has not been with any woman within the last 10 years. I would continue to just text but then I would end up with feelings for him. WWYD

OP posts:

Original poster

averybumpyride · 03/08/2020 22:37

Thank you littlebirdieblue. I loved my husband so much and don't think I will ever love anyone like that again. It's very hard to move on. This guy I messaging has already text twice today but I have not replied, I feel if I do he will just reel me back in again

OP posts:

TwentyViginti · 03/08/2020 22:53

Haven't done OLD for ages, but yes, you do get men who want a pen pal/ego stroke/boredom breaker, but not actual dates!

As pps have said - don't spend weeks and weeks messaging. Arrange a coffee date within a few days of messaging, and take it from there.

TheGodmother · 03/08/2020 22:59

I'm so sorry for your loss. I mean this kindly, but do you think you're ready for OLD?

It's horrendous and you have to develop a thick skin very quick.

Also there are men on there preying on the lonely and vulnerable.

Never ever get invested too quickly with these online personas, if they haven't asked to meet within a week or two, delete them. I hate to break it to you, but they won't just be texting you. They will be cutting and pasting the same message to many women. It's an ego boost for them.

Look after yourself.

bangheadhere40 · 04/08/2020 10:55

This was me....but for months...he was texting constantly but didn't want to meet. Honestly say it's been nice chatting but I'm looking to date so I think we should call it a day, good luck.

highlyunreasonable · 04/08/2020 11:45

But then why go on tinder and put kisses at the end of goodnight messages

There are many many guys (and I'm sure women too!) who like the ego boost/attention they get from chatting without ever having to put any real effort in. Online dating is unfortunately full of them.
Best thing to do is stop the messaging and move on.

Notcoolmum · 04/08/2020 12:03

He's married. He doesn't want to meet you. Block him and move on. You need a thick skin to handle on line dating.

Notcoolmum · 04/08/2020 12:03

@Neveranynamesleft

Maybe keep texting for a while longer and see if anything happens but also keep your eyes open for someone else , just in case ?! You have been told that he's shy and he's not been with a woman / in a relationship for 10 years so he may be struggling. I would give him a chance.

No don't do this.

Notcoolmum · 04/08/2020 12:05

@averybumpyride

I'm truly sorry for your loss. Do you think you are ready to move on? It sounds like you are very vulnerable.

Kaykay066 · 04/08/2020 12:12

Happened to me twice. People are bored (it’s shit) they like to flirt and chat and feel wanted without actually making any effort. It’s an escape and it’s totally shit for people like us who invest in them.

I should’ve learned the first time, lovely guy (seemingly) talked for ages asked to meet and poof he ran a mile and ghosted me. Second seemed lovely too, 2 kids etc talking for ages did meet once then he went to visit friends was fine then same again asked to meet again and he vanished little weasly twat bloody waste of my time. They both clearly enjoyed the chat but then I decided if I didn’t make date plans within a week or 2 of talking then that was it. I established this straight off I wanted to meet someone and wasn’t here to chat endlessly to them. Luckily my next guy was a keeper we chatted for 8 days then met and almost 2 years later still together and happy. Never thought it would happen though. I think you have to prioritise yourself in this, what do you want from tinder and tell men that, be strict and don’t let them behave badly.

Really hope you have better experiences in the future op, it’s hard when people aren’t honest and you feel shit when that happens but It’ll happen maybe when you least expect it, it’s totally his loss!!

vikingwife · 04/08/2020 12:15

Micropenis

Imissmoominmama · 04/08/2020 12:20

Perhaps he’s embarrassed about the way he looks. My friend has dabbled in OLD, but is very overweight and used an older, flattering photo. She daren’t meet men in real life because she’s scared they will be put off by her weight. She’s desperate for company and affection and is trying to lose the weight, but it’s a huge task.

Honeyroar · 04/08/2020 12:28

Don’t forget that this guy has to tick your boxes too. You’d like someone who wants to go on dates and let things develop. This guy wants to faff about. He’s not ticking the box.. So take control, say no. Say no to further texts (you’ve got friends, you weren’t advertising for a friend). You sound like you had a lovely husband- don’t drop your standards in the future. Online dating can cause a lot of heart ache if you let it, so make sure you don’t set yourself up for any by stamping out anything other than normal dating behaviour.

tarasmalatarocks · 04/08/2020 12:44

I had a female friend who used dating sites as pure entertainment, just as many of us might look at mumsnet or Facebook. she was a single mum, and didn’t actually want a relationship when it came down to it- but loved sitting on her sofa of an evening having her ego stroked and bantering/flirting. I’m sure there are men who are the same too and it’s not always instantly obvious

hammie46i · 04/08/2020 12:49

He's a time waster. Bin him off. This is quite common with OLD.

IveGotFrills · 04/08/2020 12:57

BLOCK!

RantyAnty · 04/08/2020 13:23

Block him so you don't have to worry about it anymore.

Definitely meet within a week.
Skype or Facetime with the guy first before meeting.
Assume everything they tell you is a lie until they prove otherwise.
Guys are very good at mirroring you and telling you what you want to hear.
Short coffee date less than an hour in a public place
No going back to yours or his for a long time. You want to date someone not sit on the sofa and watch him play games or be their once a week booty call.
Many online guys are married, cocklodgers, con artists
Verify everything

Original poster

averybumpyride · 04/08/2020 15:47

I know 2 people who know this guy and can confirm that he is 100% single and that he is a very nice person. They both also said he is extremely shy and has not been with a girl in a long time. He is 36 years old. He is good looking in his profile pictures too.
He also lives in a very rural area not far from where I live.
My head knows I need to block and move on but then I wonder if I'm not giving him a fair chance when he is obviously extremely shy. He has already text today but I have not responded

OP posts:

OneWomanOneDog · 04/08/2020 15:59

Honestly, the dating game requires a thick skin, boundaries and ability to move on.

hellsbellsmelons · 04/08/2020 16:00

Am I completely wasting my time here
Yes you are.
Keep ignoring his messages if you can't bring yourself to block him yet.

but then I wonder if I'm not giving him a fair chance
He has made it abundantly clear that he does not want a relationship with you.
He doesn't even want to meet you as just friends.

Take the hint and ignore, then block, then delete him from your life.
Get back on Tinder and get yourself out there.
This one is a dud - throw him back!

Notcoolmum · 04/08/2020 16:02

He doesn't want a relationship. Or to meet you. What are you thinking of giving him a chance to do?

birdy124 · 04/08/2020 16:02

You gave him a fair chance and he has told you multiple times he doesn't want to meet up or have a relationship. Do you think his shyness made him say this? He is showing you everything you need to know. He isn't secretly pining for you and just too "shy" to meet up, he doesn't want to. Sorry if it sounds harsh op, but we've all been there trying make something of nothing.

Please watch the below (funny) video. You're looking for love kernals!

Original poster

averybumpyride · 04/08/2020 16:10

Ok thank you all. I can't just block cause he lives so close but I will send a message later telling not to contact me anymore

OP posts:

morefun · 04/08/2020 16:12

OP I knew someone like this! We ended up being good friends and we meet as friends from time to time. I don't fancy him and have a boyfriend now, but I realised that he is really into someone else and liked having me to text and build his ego as she was rejecting a relationship with him.

Anyway, whatever his reasons, no I wouldn't bother, he's said he doesn't want a relationship and it sounds like you do. So either message here and there as friends or just fade away 😊

ChristmasinJune · 04/08/2020 16:16

@averybumpyride

But then why go on tinder and put kisses at the end of goodnight messages

Because sometimes fantasies are better than real life. Some people can't handle actual relationships but still like the feeling of romance and this fills a gap. This is not for you though so you need to move on. Sorry!

DoingDiddlySquat · 04/08/2020 16:18

If he wanted to meet irl your friends who know him could arrange to invite you both somewhere in a group if shyness is the real reason. Does he know you live close by and have mutual friends. If he still chickens out he really is wasting his and your time.

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