Husband leaving

[MyJackieD]

After 20 years and 3 children he’s told me he”s leaving for OW he met 6 months ago. How do I deal with this I’m heartbroken.

oh love I'm so sorry

What an arsehole to do that over lockdown too.

I'm heartbroken for you.
He'll realise what he has lost when he finally leaves.
I am so sorry.

Op
I’m so sorry that you are going through this. Do you have real life support nearby?

Thanks for the messages. No just me and children. Their hearts will be broken too. H never spoke of any problems.

Oh OP. I'm so sorry. Please do not do the pick me dance. Please don't beg him to come back. Please Google relationship 180.

This has now turned from a romantic to a business relationship and you need to treat it as such. If you don't he will squeeze every last drop of self respect you have. Be strong, you CAN and will survive this and come out stronger the other side.

Don't let him shirk his childcare responsibilities, make sure he pays you what maintenance is due. Get a shit hot lawyer and get a free first appointment with every local one so he can't.

Someone else will be along in a moment for some really good practical advice. Documents, bank accounts etc.

What a dick. I'm so sorry for you.

Have you got some close friends you could talk to? Even if its just to offload your feelings

Thanks. I don’t feel ready or able to speak irl yet, I just dont understand

What you do is say BYE BITCH.

Make sure you've got copies of all financial information. Anything you have access to, get it.
File for divorce, citing infidelity. Get in there before him. You can do it online. Get a solicitor, and ensure that you get everything you and your children deserve. He's getting to leave you, he doesn't get to ruin your life.

Don't beg. Don't plead. Don't leave the door open for him.

Know that you WILL get over this. He doesn't get to see your tears and your children don't need to.
Your friends, however, they should absolutely see your tears. And your swearing. And pour your wine. Don't try to do this alone. Don't be ashamed of your relationship breakdown, it's not a fault of yours.

Dump on MN as much as you have/want to. There are thousands of women scorned here who will always have your back.

I just cannot stress enough that you will get over this. It won't feel like it for a long time. But you will.

I'm sorry this is happening to you.

Get focused. Get what you deserve. Then get on with loving yourself the way that bastard should have.

OP I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I just don't know how men can do this, yet so many of them do. My advice is to get good legal advice and make sure that you get a good settlement and if the relationship with OW fails, don't take him back. He will do it again that's for sure. The taboo is broken, he knows he can get away with it. I speak from experience here, OP.

Good luck, and big hugs.

I’m sorry this has happened to you. It’s heartbreaking I know.

Is he if an age he could be having a mid life crises? Perhaps you’ve both been busy and life has become repetitive. The sex has dried up as you are both tired and have other priorities. He randomly meets some younger people at work zoom chats or whatever and thinks over his life. Thinks ‘is this what I want. I need something exciting’. Then some burd comes along and he’s all ‘this is my chance, I feel young again’ and things just kinda happen.
He might just be thinking with his dick. Or perhaps it’s escapism as his job is hard and the kids are hard work or you’re both arguing all the time and he’s unhappy and has wanted to go for a while.

Obviously this is all conjecture. But perhaps you need to talk to him to understand what happened. Not to try and win him back. Because that’s a lost cause, you could never trust him again could you?

If he can’t talk about it the least he could do is write you a letter about what’s happened and why. Men are shit with talking about feelings, well the ones I know are!

Get your ducks in a row as they say. Take photos of any financial documents, bank statements, wage slips, P60 whatever.

She may be a gold digger and if he’s infatuated he may prioritise spending on her to try and shirk his responsibilities to the children.

Take legal advice or go on womens aid website. Where will he stay. Where will you and dc stay. Who pays the mortgage. Will the house have to be sold. So many questions.

Again sorry you are going through this and I hope I haven’t upset you.

💐

Is he if an age he could be having a mid life crises? Perhaps you’ve both been busy and life has become repetitive. The sex has dried up as you are both tired and have other priorities. He randomly meets some younger people at work zoom chats or whatever and thinks over his life. Thinks ‘is this what I want. I need something exciting’. Then some burd comes along and he’s all ‘this is my chance, I feel young again’ and things just kinda happen.
He might just be thinking with his dick. Or perhaps it’s escapism as his job is hard and the kids are hard work or you’re both arguing all the time and he’s unhappy and has wanted to go for a while

Ffs eliza

Op- think about you, how do you feel. What do you want to happen?
What has your h told you about his current situation?

So sorry op did you know about the ow or suspect anything? How old are dc

What a shock for you take it a day at a time

I’ve read a lot of mid life crisis, all rings true.
Yes I want him back but he’s made it clear he doesn’t want me so that’s out of my hands.
Children all mid/late teens.

@MyJackieD

I’ve read a lot of mid life crisis, all rings true. Yes I want him back but he’s made it clear he doesn’t want me so that’s out of my hands. Children all mid/late teens.

Please stop making it clear to him that you want him back, if anything force yourself to lie and say you dont. Men are weird, and if you are pleading itll put him off you more. Keep your dignity and show yourself as a confident woman who doesnt need him. If you do you will look back on this one day and be so glad you stood your ground. X

Hugs

All I can do is give you hope that there's a world out there full of amazing opportunities. I was you 18 months ago (no ow admittedly but h of 20 years left) today I'm on holiday with dp planning the rest of our lives. Take care.

What @newmum2018aug said:

Even if you're dying inside (it won't last) never ever say to him you want him back. Don't leave that door open. Learn the phrase 'off you fuck' and say it with a smile on your face. If you have to cry, don't let him see.

Go spend some money and time on yourself, skincare regime, new clothes, hair and be your best self. Don't do it to win him back, do it for yourself.

He is no longer on your team, don't confide in him, don't trust him, and don't for one second think this is your fault.

DHs exW left him for her boss, expecting him to beg her to return. Instead he asked me out, and we've been together ever since. Suddenly he was the cheating husband and she was the poor wife who wanted him back. It's all about basic psychology, we want what we can't have.

Show him you don't care, and he can fuck off with his shiny new.life. Get everything you're entitled to and start building a wonderful new life without him. I can guarantee he will be back begging you to take him back within 3 months but I can also promise you won't want him.

You will get through this, and the sooner you accept it, you can.grieve for the loss of the relationship and heal.

We all have your back, we've been here and come out of the other side far far better.

Okiedokie - thank you x

What do I tell the Dc, they will be in bits?

What a stupid bastard your husband is, thinking the grass is greener - he is on an ego trip.

Do not do the pick me dance, as other posters have suggested get financial correspondence sorted, support your kids and take it one day at a time. This situation happened to me 10 years ago.

I am now happier in my life than I ever was with him.

Regards the kids tell them the truth, don't paint a pretty picture.

He doesn't deserve the kids to be told any different.

Thanks for all the support x

@Treacletoots has given some great advice, as have others on this thread so I’ve not got much more to add op. But please know you are not alone, it is not your fault and you will get through this 💪❤️

Thanks @iheartJKR

OP YOU don't tell your kids. That's his job. He's the one about to upset them, he is responsible for it. Don't do his dirty work.

@MyJackieD I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

You are me a year ago. 24 yrs together, couple of kids.

Small things - eat and sleep, are you doing either? Eat what you can, when you can. Sweet drinks can help when you need some fuel. Sleep - if you struggle, try and sleep mediatation track and any helpful routines. I really struggled, for a few weeks 4 hours sleep was an achievement, worst was 2hour 12 mins. I had sleep pillow spray, a sleep balm for my wrist, feet, temples and I took nytol.

Meditation - I didn't before but its been a game changer. I use a free app called Insight Timer and its full of free guided meditations. Find a sleep one you like and when things get too much try and take 2 mins on one in a quiet spot.

Everything you feel is ok to feel. Life is going to be really awful for a while, gut churning, whirling different world. You will cope, you will get through it and its so hard to imagine what that looks like but trust that it will.

The kids - I was honest and child age appropriate. I did it all, he wasnt involved as the choices he was making at the times meant I didn't trust him. I told them he didnt love me anyone, he had met another woman who made him realise he didn't love me and I really stressed the different love that adults have to paternal love. They know its not about them, its between us two. At the time it was such a sad experience, me and kids all in tears. But now I look back and realise that is was the beginning of us being a really strong unit. They saw me cry, I saw them cry, we hugged but we also got on with our lives and we have lots of fun!

Admin - if you can, understand the financial situation. Do you rent? Mortgage? Work? Understand the values in and out, what the committments are and can you make it work without him? Look at Universal Credit as soon as you can as they dont back date.

Legal advice - ask around for any recommendations or look at the Resolution website. Get an idea of who you want on your side when the time comes.

Its awful but you will get through stronger than you realised possible.