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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He doesn't want to have sex with me anymore does he?

49 replies

hopingtobedally · 02/08/2020 23:15

So been married 16 years together 20. Lack of sex has been an issue since about 15 years ago. I've raised this with my husband and very recently said to him this is not right for me it's unfair and if you don't want to solve this please just let me go. No he says, I do love you and do want sex. So time goes on no attempts to try and have sex. We went out today and had a lovely family day. On the way home in the car he is stroking my leg and says it's lovely and gets a bit flirty. So I said maybe tonight your luck may be in? Our four year old does like to sleep in our bed a lot so I made a concerted effort to bribe him into his own bed- fine he was asleep by 8pm. I tell husband this when I go downstairs for a drink. I bath and oil myself with nice body lotion and wait. Half nine comes nothing. Half ten and I'm getting annoyed as I have work in the morning so messaged him saying don't bother I'm going to sleep now
I feel so fucking ugly and rejected
Everytime we discuss this he says he doesn't want to split up but I can't have a shit sex like when I've just turned 40
What the hell now?

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 02/08/2020 23:18

It does seem like you're having to do all the work.

But what do you think would have happened if you'd stayed downstairs with him and maybe had sex downstairs? Does he worry about your son coming in? I hadn't realised just how much my sex drive was dampened by having a child in the house.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/08/2020 23:20

What happened 15 years ago?

I think you’re right and he’s not bothered, sorry.

How often is it happening these days? How’s the rest of your marriage?

Is there a reason you waited so long without giving him a nudge and then sent a message rather than talking to him properly?

If sex matters to you, and being able to talk about things, it doesn’t sound like you’re getting either and it’s okay to decide that’s not enough for you.

dontgobaconmyheart · 03/08/2020 02:53

I suppose if he wanted to then he would OP, as I'm sure you know. It doesn't sound like the relationship is a particularly positive environment for you but equally it would be a mistake to revolve your own self worth on your DP's desire for sex. It has nothing to do with how you objectively look or how attractive you objectively are. His opinion and his sex drive are his own business not a general metric for your value.

He's extremely unreasonable to gaslight you over it though. Pretending he wants it and you're mistaken. 15 years says otherwise doesn't it really. He isn't obligated to want sex or have it but he sounds like he's happy to ignore the effect on you, and lie because presumably he wants to carry on as is and not break up, and knows you will put up with it from experience.

I'd ask for a frank conversation, express you are unhappy and consider leaving if he can't be bothered to say anything other than the usual rubbish. I don't see it changing simply because it has been so long and if I were you I'd feel so resentful I'd not want him either.

mysuperpowerisme · 03/08/2020 03:46

Lifes too short ltb xx

Original poster
hopingtobedally · 03/08/2020 10:21

Any advice on how to raise this and not get the same old response
I'm honestly at a loss

OP posts:
Newmum2018aug · 03/08/2020 10:44

It sounds to me like he needs a wake up call, he knows you're there if he wants it but hes not too bothered. I would get all dressed up and head out with some friends, maybe tell a small white lie and say someone tried to chat you up whilst you were out. He needs to be shook up and realise what hes got whilst hes still got it.

Before all this I would have suggested a chat but by the sounds of it you've already done this and had no results.

Original poster
hopingtobedally · 03/08/2020 11:12

He knows this and he knows other men are interested in me

OP posts:
seensome · 03/08/2020 11:21

Sometimes when you stop paying attention, he'll make a move on you, focus a bit more on yourself, show him what he's missing.
As someone else said, have a girls night out, pamper yourself, let him come to you.
If all else fails, you really have to seriously think if you can stay in this situation.

Babdoc · 03/08/2020 11:23

This problem is more common than you might think, OP, and often gets posted on MN.
The usual list of possible reasons that get trotted out are:
He has an other woman
He’s gay and in denial
He has become dependent on masturbating to porn and can’t get aroused by normal sex
(Also known as “ death grip”! )
He has erectile dysfunction and is avoiding sex
He sees you as a mother to his child, not as a sexual partner (madonna/whore complex)
He has emotionally checked out of the marriage but keeps you on as a convenient housekeeper/childminder.
Any of those sound plausible?
And how long are you prepared to live in an unhappily sexless relationship, as your youth fritters away and your self esteem ditto? Do you want another twenty years of this?

Survived1 · 03/08/2020 11:25

I am about to divorce my husband. Because of financial reasons he doesn't want to move out until the divorce is finalised. It has been a hell leaving with him. He is narcissist and his guslighting never stop. Unfortunately we have two kids and i am financially not secure to move out. I had moment ones that i was going to loose my mind. Becase he is very good twisting anything I do or say. And put me in the place like i am a crazy person infront family or friends. I do not now how to cope with this anymore.

achillesratty · 03/08/2020 11:26

Tell him you didn't sign up for a celibate marriage and living as housemates and he either openly discusses the issue and possible solution or your marriage is over.

It will not get better and he is obviously, for whatever reason happy with the lack of sex in your marriage. You should not let anyone make you feel bad about yourself.

ravenmum · 03/08/2020 11:38

I bath and oil myself with nice body lotion and wait.
You waited? Maybe next time go back down in a slinky negligée, turn the lights down low, switch off the TV, play some sexy music and start stroking and kissing him? Or have you tried that in the past without result?

threesecrets · 03/08/2020 11:39

From someone who is in the same position I would recommend initiating a bit more obviously. So the oiling up etc makes you feel like you initiating but he might not realise all these things. You feel ready but he can't read your mind. I would do stuff like that and get really peeved off and hen realise I haven't made it clear enough to him that I want sex. My DH will never never initiate (confidence self esteem issues) but will rarely reject if I come on to him. I suggest next time go downstairs and start to hug him and kiss him and see what happens. Put yourself out there, take the risk and if he rejects you then, it's clear, he is an arse

ravenmum · 03/08/2020 11:44

How did he know that you were waiting? Did you text him?

SteelyPanther · 03/08/2020 12:02

Unfortunately this is what happened to me.
Many nights staring at the ceiling waiting for him to come up, cried myself to sleep sometimes. I’ve gone down and begged him to come upstairs.
It seems he prefers a bottle of wine.
I don’t start a conversation about it now as he says he will change and doesn’t.
I have accepted that if I want yo stay in this house with our joint income, I have to put up with it. I don’t love or fancy him, I’ve just settled.
If I get the urge I sort myself out, always hit the spot and don’t have to jump up and down for ages waiting for him to finish 😉

Delbelleber · 03/08/2020 12:06

Honestly just call it a day and find someone who can meet your needs.

SteelyPanther · 03/08/2020 12:07

Just to add, hubby didn’t want another child and I did so we didn’t have one.
If I had my time again - due to other thing that have gone on - I’d have left and had another child.
I’m older than you, you shouldn’t settle at your age.
Resentment and regret will creep in. Think about where you want to be in 10, 20 years time.

SomewhereInbetween1 · 03/08/2020 12:36

I'm not sure waiting equates to initiating though? Did he explicitly know what you were waiting for?

Trashtara · 03/08/2020 12:52

He has a low sex drive.

You have to decide whether you can live with that and if you cannot, then you need to leave. There is nothing wrong with leaving because you are mismatched sexually. There is nothing wrong with high or low sex drives. The issues come when sex drives are mismatched.

No one should be forced to have sex, or made to feel bad for not wanting it, but neither should anyone be made to feel bad for wanting sex, or for feeling like the relationship is incomplete because of lack of sex.

15 years and no change tells you everything you nee to know.

But please do not think it is because he doesn't love or fancy you, or because you are ugly etc.

threesecrets · 03/08/2020 15:11

OP try again tonight but be a little clever and let us know if that improves things.

Original poster
hopingtobedally · 03/08/2020 15:36

I've done the initiating for the last ten years
I'm want him to want sex with me not have it because I pester him
I can't make him. I've told him in no uncertain terms today. If he can't be that person to fulfill my sexual needs it's fine just tell me. Don't say you can to try and please me if you aren't feeling it. We both need to feel happy with our lives whether that's together or separately
He says he is that person. He wants to start again. What sort of time limit would people recommend for action to happen?

OP posts:
TheLegendOfZelda · 03/08/2020 15:43

A week? Face it, you've waited ages already. But what if he does it just to please you every x weeks, and it's shit. What then?

SteelyPanther · 03/08/2020 15:46

I’ve heard it time and time again.
No doubt tonight he will make the effort and then ..........
Does he have depression or any reason for this to be happening ?
If not I’d give him one month max.
I’d also be getting my ducks in a row in the mean time as I know what happens to promises, but that’s just me 🤣
Good luck. I hope for you and your child’s sake that he steps up and heeds the warning.

SteelyPanther · 03/08/2020 15:47

But just remember that he’s already had 15 years.

BertiesLanding · 03/08/2020 15:48

Many men never managed to make the shift from the initial buzz of partnership, to the different dynamic of a marriage and children. Often, it drags them back into their own childhoods, and their wives become psychologically confused with their mothers - so sex becomes something to resist rather than something to indulge in. If this is the case, there's precious little you can do, and the responsibility lies squarely with him going and getting the help he needs to finally grow up.

TL;DR - You moved from the "whore" to the "Madonna" - and we all know she's a virgin,

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