He doesn't want to have sex with me anymore does he?

[hopingtobedally]

So been married 16 years together 20. Lack of sex has been an issue since about 15 years ago. I've raised this with my husband and very recently said to him this is not right for me it's unfair and if you don't want to solve this please just let me go. No he says, I do love you and do want sex. So time goes on no attempts to try and have sex. We went out today and had a lovely family day. On the way home in the car he is stroking my leg and says it's lovely and gets a bit flirty. So I said maybe tonight your luck may be in? Our four year old does like to sleep in our bed a lot so I made a concerted effort to bribe him into his own bed- fine he was asleep by 8pm. I tell husband this when I go downstairs for a drink. I bath and oil myself with nice body lotion and wait. Half nine comes nothing. Half ten and I'm getting annoyed as I have work in the morning so messaged him saying don't bother I'm going to sleep now
I feel so fucking ugly and rejected
Everytime we discuss this he says he doesn't want to split up but I can't have a shit sex like when I've just turned 40
What the hell now?

[threesecrets]

@ExhaustedFlamingo has hit the nail on the head. I've realised that I can't control my partners intentions etc but I can manage how I respond. Yes, in the past and even now sometimes when I'm triggered or feeling stressed, it really gets me down, but I'm trying to see the positives. We can have sex (it just takes me to initiate) but there are other couples where it's the opposite and they are constantly pestered for sex or some couples where the DH can't maintain an erection and can't physically have sex so things could be worse.

[ExhaustedFlamingo]

So he’ll have sex with you if you initiate it. That’s a completely different issue than refusing to have sex.

Lying upstairs waiting for him to come up relies on him taking some initiative and making some kind of approach.

Maybe he has massive self-esteem issues around taking the initiative? Some people find it virtually impossible.

Maybe he only feels aroused if you’re more dominant hence why he needs you to take the initiative?

This isn’t an issue of you not having sex. This is you being dissatisfied with him making you feel desirable. You’re not in a sexless marriage because he consents to have sex if you initiate.

It’s not unreasonable to want him to initiate sex. It’s not unreasonable to feel dissatisfied. And it’s a valid reason to walk away. I just think it’s helpful to be clear what the issue is - it’s about him making an effort and making you feel desired, not an actual lack of sex because according to your descriptions that’s there for the taking. The issue is you want some giving as well.

[organicbox]

Sorry for the typos.

Also, there's lots of people here telling you to see it from his position, try harder, maybe do this or that...

Honestly, if you're anything like me, you did all that for decades.

It's pointless

[organicbox]

I've been you. I spent decades in this situation. It's gas lighting. He says he does want you/ that you do have sex/ that he is just tired/ that it's hard with the kids bla bla bla but one reality, he doesn't want you.

My husband was completely like this and I left him. For this and for a general lack of connection that made me feel more like someone's dog than they're wife - he said he loved me and wanted me around but for what?! No real connection at all in the end.

And now it's only that I'm out of it that he's an utterly avoidant person who can't manage deep real relationships, and that he gaslights, controls and manipulates so as to not have to connect.

Stop trying. You are wasting your life. You will start to like yourself again once he leaves.

[SteelyPanther]

How are you feeling this morning OP ?

[hopingtobedally]

No affection doesn't compliment doesn't tell me he loves me etc

[Trashtara]

By continually leaving me upstairs alone

That's your interpretation. What are his other interactions with you like? Does he call you ugly? Does he touch or hug you?

Though to be fair, it sounds like you are done with the relationship anyway, which is totally fair.

You're fogging a dead horse.

[TimelyManor]

But what is he like in his interactions with you? Apart from the not wanting sex thing?

[hopingtobedally]

By continually leaving me upstairs alone

[Trashtara]

How does help make you feel ugly?

[threesecrets]

Well then that's not OK. Sorry. Bit of a distraction but what is his relationship with his parents like?

[hopingtobedally]

He makes me feel ugly

[TimelyManor]

What's he like with you though? Is he supportive, kind, thoughtful?

[hopingtobedally]

Very passive and lazy
He would sort the broken tv out in a flash like I said because he likes tv

[threesecrets]

Ah sorry. So if you initiate will he respond positively? Or make excuses. Sorry if I didnt fully understand

[TimelyManor]

What's he like in other aspects of your relationship. OP?

[hopingtobedally]

It literally is last chance saloon
I feel so much stronger today

[cravingthelook]

You are me a few of years ago. It never gets better sorry.
I'm single (15 months now) and happy and looking for love again. I have a couple FWB and I've never been happier

[hopingtobedally]

@threesecrets that's what I've been doing maybe the last five or six years. I've told him over the years I need some give and take

[threesecrets]

Ok but the pressure of "you aren't satisfying me I need more" etc can be offputting and stressful for him perhaps. I can't believe I'm being so understanding to the man given im in the same position but I'm trying to figure out ways to deal with it. My DH won't initiate but won't refuse and I accept that now. It's not worth losing my marriage over

[rvby]

I've told him in no uncertain terms today. If he can't be that person to fulfill my sexual needs it's fine just tell me

Just a gentle suggestion here.

It might be time to stop asking him to make a decision for you, and also, probably time for you to move on from taking his words as actions - I mean- he can say whatever he wants can't he? You know by now, surely, that talk is cheap and nothing will change.

Might it be time to look back on the marriage, read his actions rather than his words, and accept that the sexual part of your relationship is over? Regardless of his excuses or promises, iyswim.

It's been 15 years of this. Is he going to change? No, it's really really unlikely that he will. It's you that needs to make a decision on that, not him. He isnt the answer here.

[Vodkacranberryplease]

Tell him you want to be able to see other people. Act like you're doing him a favour and taking the 'pressure' off him. Then leave him to it and he will either find a miracle cure or you will split.

He may have low testosterone but unless he goes to a doctor, and takes the medication it won't get fixed and he doesn't want to do that because very simply he can not be bothered. However if he no longer had the option of doing nothing he would either have to or lose you. Currently he can pretend it's not that bad.

[Onemansoapopera]

You can't live like this. I couldn't. I left my very attractive but completely sexless ex feeling completely undesirable. Suffice to say that I found my now DH and we are 6 years on I'm now 48 and have sex allll the time. It's not over for you physically but this relationship is over.

[Trashtara]

Yep, I'd give him a month and use that time to get everything together, plan financially for a future without him. I wouldn't tell him you're giving it a month though, or he may make effort for a month then stop again.

Very much sounds like you don't want to continue the relationship if he can't fulfil you sexually, and if you continue you'll just get more and more resentful.

However I also wouldn't want to have sex with someone who was just having sex because I wanted it. Nor would I want to be the person feeling forced in to sex more regularly than I wanted.

[BertiesLanding]

Many men never managed to make the shift from the initial buzz of partnership, to the different dynamic of a marriage and children. Often, it drags them back into their own childhoods, and their wives become psychologically confused with their mothers - so sex becomes something to resist rather than something to indulge in. If this is the case, there's precious little you can do, and the responsibility lies squarely with him going and getting the help he needs to finally grow up.

TL;DR - You moved from the "whore" to the "Madonna" - and we all know she's a virgin,