Trying not to react!

[HittyPitty]

Hello, I’ve posted before and currently am stuck as I am. I spent a couple of years feeling very confused and spoke to Women’s Aid and it was suggested that my husband could have narc traits.

Lately he seems to be trying to goad me to cause a reaction. For example the last few weeks he’s been complaining of how tired he is and has been sleeping in till 2pm at weekends and last weekend had the whole two days to himself to sleep and watch films, at my suggestion. We have a 2 year old who had been saying things like Daddy doesn’t want to play with me.

So now that issue seems to be concluded, today he’s been trying to goad me to cause a row. I’ve told him I’m walking away and he tells me I’m weird. He’s saying really obviously silly and goady things and I think he wants to cause a big row.

We are moving soon and had decided he’d have the smallest room as a home office and our toddler would therefore have the spare double room. Now he wants to take over the double as a three day a week office. I think he’s being impractical just to cause a row.

Secondly today he has been researching my maiden name in a database of slave owners. I told him my immediate ancestors were living in poverty, some in the poor house, but he always wants to link my past ancestry to slavery. If there was a link I would be absolutely horrified but I am genuinely not aware of any. I feel he does this to make me feel awful, he’s not white but is also not from a black heritage.

I’m not really looking for any answers but really just wanted to write this down. I haven’t really told anyone about all this as no one would believe me.

Well isn't he a twat.

I despair sometimes when I read the posts about these horrible men who seem to think they can treat women like shit.

I am sorry to say I would not put up with any of it but this is your life and it is up to you if you want to continue living with someone who clearly does not give a hoot about your feelings.

You're moving? Good. Take the opportunity to move somewhere he doesn't live.

What does slavey have to do with you now?... unless you walking around being a racist it's not important.

He sounds like my exdp, who had a pattern of causing little argument over three days, the first two we would work it out and then the third day he would explode. Not always as in anger but depression, crying, leaving for a few days.

I didn't see it at first but it got worse. It usually followed a really good patch of our relationship. He just couldn't deal with the joy he needed the attention from a argument or problem.

I later discovered this is part of his relationship history and why they didn't make it pass a certain amount of time.

If I was you I would look back and see if you can see a pattern of his behaviour. Does he keep pushing until you are upset, is it around payday etc.

The clearer it is in your head the better you are able too see it for what it is.

He sounds like a selfish man child.

Basically he is a bully. Looking for something new he can have to make you feel small. And yes, this is the sort of shit narcissists do.

I agree with pp, take this opportunity to move away from him. You need to get away from him. He hates you and he means you harm. Narcissists need to create arguments so that they can win them. And they win them by making you into the 'loser' by any means necessary. Do you really want your kid to think this is what relationships look like?

Get out. Fast.

*he can use

Do yourself and your son a favour and move somewhere different to him.

Why would you even want to put up with that? He sounds pathetic

I’m sorry to hear this OP. As a PP said could you use the move as an opportunity to move yourself and your child somewhere else? This does not sound like a healthy or happy environment to be living in.

And let's not play it down with 'man child'. Npd is not about immaturity it is about emotional stunting. They never formed empathy. You know who else didn't? Their brother and sister cluster b personalities - psychopaths and sociopaths. It's a step sideways from those. Seriously op, get out and run, fast and far.

Narcissists need to create arguments so that they can win them. And they win them by making you into the 'loser' by any means necessary.

Yup.

OP yes he is trying to goad you. Some people purposefully get their kicks like this. It makes him feel powerful and like he's better than you. They feed off other people's upset and it genuinely makes them happy. He's an arsehole.

Look up "grey rock" strategy for coping with this and make plans to get away.

Thank you everyone, it’s only over the past couple of years that I’ve realised what is happening. He’s spent years bringing up race and implying I’ve no idea about racism and the legacy of the British Empire. He can go on for weeks about it. If I get upset he says well it’s an uncomfortable topic for you to talk about.

Of course I realise there are lots of things I’m not aware of and that being white I can’t understand racism. But it feels like he’s using this important issue to make me feel bad about myself.

There are other topics too he will create an argument from and then tell me I’m unable to communicate if I disagree.

My main worry is that my own emotions seem to have frozen over. I used to feel so upset when he went on at me but now it washes over me. But I also can’t feel many positive emotions which is horrible. It makes me wonder if I’m a narcissist myself. But I’m thinking it’s trauma in a way and that part of me is protecting myself from the sad emotions as I get a glimmer of feelings now and then.

Thank you for listening :)

He doesn't sound right in the head.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

You are not a narcissist; you have two qualities that your H does not have and those are empathy and insight. You are and continue to be traumatised by him.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. Your son cannot afford to grow up thinking that his dad's narcissistic behaviours both towards you and he is at all normal. He will emotionally damage his son too.

You are not a narcissist. Your frozen feelings are self preservation.
You need to get away from this man ASAP

it’s only over the past couple of years that I’ve realised what is happening.
This is the bit that breaks my heart. Years! Years?! OP, this is YOUR life that's ticking along unhappily like this. Please please don't waste time with someone who drains the life and soul from you. He just sounds like a horrible, objectionable bully.

Thank you again, I’ve been thinking and I’m sure the fatigue, needing constant naps and two weekends to himself were an attempt to goad me.

I deliberately told him he must take the time to himself and suggested going to the doctors about it. I think because I didn’t react and encouraged him to have the rest he said he needed he decided to goad me with the slave owners database search and then finally saying he would be taking over the spare double room in our new house instead of letting our son have it.

Then I did react and got cross and today he’s really happy and is backing down about the room. So it seems to prove the theory of how people like that operate.

It’s amazing how long it takes to become clear in your mind. I think now I’m going to focus on looking after myself better and trying yoga to see if that helps unfreeze my feelings. I used to have very strong emotions, I could strongly feel other people’s pain etc but now there is nothing much.

I’m so glad you are going to focus on looking after yourself better OP but please tell me that includes leaving this relationship?
Like GnomeOrMistAndIceGuy said please don’t waste any more years of your precious life on this awful man.

Aside for being an abusive wanker he sounds boring as hell. If someone tried to lecture me on history because I'm white I would tell them where to go.

The funny thing with my husband is that he seems to have empathy towards his siblings and parents and no one would ever believe in a million years that he could be unpleasant! Thank you for all the advice and my starting point is to start looking after myself much more.

@HittyPitty

The funny thing with my husband is that he seems to have empathy towards his siblings and parents and no one would ever believe in a million years that he could be unpleasant! Thank you for all the advice and my starting point is to start looking after myself much more.

He's a good actor, that's all. It's not empathy.

Just out of interest, is he black? Why is he so interested in proving that you have connections to the slave trade?

I would take advantage of the move to go somewhere else without him.

I would put money on there being financial and/or sexual abuse too in this relationship.

Just to reply to HollowTalk, he’s not black but he knows it really upsets me when he implies I’m ignorant of the atrocities of the British Empire and the slave trade. He tells me I’m ignorant, which to an extent I suppose maybe I am. It upsets me as it feels like there’s implications of racism or ignorance about white privilege. So if I say it’s upsetting me he says it’s an uncomfortable topic for you or talks about white fragility. But in this case I feel he is doing it as a way to make me feel really bad about myself.

There’s no physical or sexual abuse, it’s really what I’d call emotional and now and then verbal. He has no interest in the sexual side and won’t see the doctor or try to sort it out.

There are bank accounts I don’t know about or have access to but he says it’s not my business as it’s his money, I’m currently a SAHM and I think he resents this as he often tells our son about being the sole bread winner and how his cash pays for everything. He does pay for all the bills and I have enough for treats etc so I can’t complain.

He’s had a big promotion so I pointed out that me being home for two years had enabled him to further his career but he says it’s not the case.

It’s so sad as he was a different person when we met.

Nah *he ACTED like a different person when you first met.

Quite often narcissists have issues around sex. It's not just deviance issues it can actyally be a total lack of interest in it. Sometimes this is for control purposes too as they are punishing you and don't want you to get the intimacy and comfort the closeness of sex may bring. So of course they dont want help for it.

Even if you were the direct descendant of slave owners it would be no excuse to treat you badly in your relationship.

Do you think he secretly wants to find out you have a link to slavery so he can use it as a stick to beat you with?

Why are you still with him?

Oh God, please leave him. He's horrible. As others have said, he's not right in the head.

What kind of person spends their time focused on how best to upset and hurt the person they were supposed to love and cherish?t

You'll be so much happier without him and the inevitable damage he's doing to your child.

OP it is hard enough to read about the war he treats you (emotional, verbal and now financial abuse too) but honestly, what you have said about son is chilling. He is using him to abuse you, setting him up to have a really low opinion of you - and of other women no doubt. Please leave him, this is horrendous. Your son deserves to live in a home where he isn’t subjected to this behaviour for himself or witnessing it as “normal”

Hi everyone, sorry for adding to this thread again. It’s been hard to access counselling at the moment so this is a really helpful way to log things. The past few weeks my husband has been having lie ins and naps as he feels very fatigued and told me his body needed to rest whenever he needed to sleep.

Lately he has slept a lot, naps during the working day and throughout the weekend.

Today I lost my rag as I’ve been asking for a couple of hours to get some ironing done since lockdown. If I go upstairs to do it my husband and son will come up and play round me or he will call me down to help. Today he was calling and callling as he’d started making a really complicated lunch for us and so our son was sat at the table eating a different lunch and I had to come and help. It culminated in my husband telling our son to go away several times as he tipped out some flour. I finally got mad and told him he must try and supervise our son while cooking like I do. Then I was told to go away too and later he told me I was a bitch!

My toddler needs lots of attention and supervision and so it’s really hard for me to get the housework done. However I’m with my son from about 7-7 and then by the time I’ve cooked I’m so tired. Granted my husband does a quick hoover round while I put our son to bed.

I feel such a fool for getting mad at him as he twists everything back on me and now says I’m always mad! I tried the grey rock approach but it’s so hard not to justify yourself!