Trying not to react!

[HittyPitty]

Hello, I’ve posted before and currently am stuck as I am. I spent a couple of years feeling very confused and spoke to Women’s Aid and it was suggested that my husband could have narc traits.

Lately he seems to be trying to goad me to cause a reaction. For example the last few weeks he’s been complaining of how tired he is and has been sleeping in till 2pm at weekends and last weekend had the whole two days to himself to sleep and watch films, at my suggestion. We have a 2 year old who had been saying things like Daddy doesn’t want to play with me.

So now that issue seems to be concluded, today he’s been trying to goad me to cause a row. I’ve told him I’m walking away and he tells me I’m weird. He’s saying really obviously silly and goady things and I think he wants to cause a big row.

We are moving soon and had decided he’d have the smallest room as a home office and our toddler would therefore have the spare double room. Now he wants to take over the double as a three day a week office. I think he’s being impractical just to cause a row.

Secondly today he has been researching my maiden name in a database of slave owners. I told him my immediate ancestors were living in poverty, some in the poor house, but he always wants to link my past ancestry to slavery. If there was a link I would be absolutely horrified but I am genuinely not aware of any. I feel he does this to make me feel awful, he’s not white but is also not from a black heritage.

I’m not really looking for any answers but really just wanted to write this down. I haven’t really told anyone about all this as no one would believe me.

Just leave!

Honestly, he's awful and not going to get any better. There's no point telling us about things he's done - you need to plan an exit.

God he sounds a total misery to live with and sounds like he's controlling your life.. you have to ask for time to do the ironing?! just tell him. In fact tell him to do his own ironing because you won't be doing it any more because you're leaving him.. Please. He's just vile

*There are bank accounts I don’t know about or have access to but he says it’s not my business as it’s his money, I’m currently a SAHM and I think he resents this as he often tells our son about being the sole bread winner and how his cash pays for everything. He does pay for all the bills and I have enough for treats etc so I can’t complain.

He’s had a big promotion so I pointed out that me being home for two years had enabled him to further his career but he says it’s not the case.*

How unfortunate for him that the British court system won't share his view.

You're going to need a forensic accountant involved if you divorce him.

Oh and I agree with the poster who said he's not right in the head.

If it wasn't your "ignorance" about the British empire/colonialism/the slave trade etc (and how could you possibly still be ignorant now that he's enlightened you with his vast historic research skills and knowledge?? ) being used to have a go at you, criticise you, make himself feel superior etc. .. it would be something else.

And yes, everything else sounds like making opportunities to start an argument/herbs reaction too.

I have a sister who appears to be a vulnerable narcissist and she does this when drunk (she's an alcoholic) .. nitpicks on any and everything to start an argument, her topics are always things she's upbraidinv people for, trying to make them feel unferior or guilty about. It's done desperate need to put people in the back foot and feel morally superior towards them. She's also a massive attention seeker.

He sounds like he has done kind of personality disorder.

He's also acting cruelly to your child. That's really sad for them.

*some

He doesn’t like you, let alone love you. Why would you goad your partner and be pleased when they got cross? So fucked up.

What are you going to do?

Please leave him before he does any more damage to you or your son.

Thank you for all the support, it’s hard trying to process it by yourself.

I have been reading up on narcissist traits and seems that’s what it is. Today he is thoroughly fed up due to my offensive and hurtful comments that he isn’t doing enough with our child or letting me have an hour to get on with some housework. Any time I lose my patience with him, usually after weeks of provocation, he becomes very dejected.

I’m just being breezy and cheerful and not paying too much attention. I’m feeling stronger about it all today, so thank you.

I really think you need to consider if this is truly how you want to live your life and if is this a good environment / relationship role model for your dc.